SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 05/21/11: Strauss-Kahn’s Cell



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 22






10v: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga

Strauss-Kahn’s Cell

Guard…..Paul Brittain
Dominique Gaston André Strauss-Kahn…..Taran Killam
Inmate #1…..Jay Pharoah
Inmate #2…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on exterior, Rikers Island ] [ dissolve to interior, jail cell, as Dominique Gaston André Strauss-Kahn is led inside by a Guard ]

Guard: Probably not the high-end accomodations you’re used to, Mr. Strauss-Kahn, but, uh, make yourself at home.

[ Strauss-Kahn sits on a bench as the Guard exits; a pair of inmates at the rear of the cell take notice ]

Inmate #1: Did you hear what I heard?

Inmate #2: Well, we best introduce ourselves!

[ they step forward and surround Strauss-Kahn ]

Inmate #2: Hey! Hey, we heard all about you on the news!

Inmate #1: Mr. Dominique Strauss-Kahn! Former head of the IMF!

Inmate #2: Well, guess what, Mr. Strauss-Kahn? I have a question for YOU! [ he leans closer ] What’s the IMF gonna do about the debt crisis in Greece?

Inmate #1: I tell you what I’D do: I’d let ’em default, get Greece out of the Eurozone.

Inmate #2: Come on, man! You gotta give Greece a chance to settle they debt!

Inmate #1: With what?! Greeks don’t be payin’ their taxes! Where’s the revenue gonna come from? They gonna sell a chillion dollars worth of feta?

Inmate #2: Oh, snap! Come on now! Come on now, don’t be beatin’ on the Greeks!

Inmate #1: You know what the biggest Greek export is? Hard-working Greeks!

Inmate #2: True! True!

[ Strauss-Kahn smiles quietly ]

Inmate #2: Yeah, Strauss-Kahn kinda likes that! Look at Strauss-Kahn! Ha ha! Yeah!

Inmate #1: Yo! You wanna feel bad for somebody? Feel bad for the Irish.

Inmate #2: Oh, I hear that! You GOTTA feel Ireland! [ they bump fists ]

Inmate #1: Man. The Irish been eatin’ dirt and potatoes for 400 years. You can’t blame them for thinking it was their time for soem happiness.

Inmate #2: Yeah, but the good news is, the Irish know how to HANDLE hard times! They like the Germans!

Inmate #1: What?! You can’t say that! The Germans the only people in Europe that know the score right now!

Inmate #2: What about Sweden?

Inmate #1: I mean countries in the Eurozone.

Inmate #2: Well, you didn’t SAY that!

Inmate #1: [ he shrugs ] We talkin’ about the Euros! So leave Sweden out of it!

Inmate #2: Well, when it comes to the Euro, Sweden thanks God every day that they were left out of it! [ he playfully shoves Strauss-Kahn ] You know what I’m talkin’ about, Strauss-Kahn![ Strauss-Kahn smiles along ]

Inmate #2: Yeah, he likes THAT one! See, he’s smiling a little bit! He’s in JAIL, but he’s smilin’! Yeah!

Inmate #1: All I’m saying, is the Germans have proven that the only way out of a debt crisis is austerity measures. You get in a jam, you gotta cut back.

Inmate #2: Yo! But you can’t expect the rest of Europe to act like Germany! I mean, Germans be GOOD at being hos-tile — that’s they habit! All a German needs to smile, is a half a sausage and a carton of Menthol! I mean, you can’t expect somebody in Spain to be happy with that! In Spain, they need to rezone sangria!

Inmate #1: And I guess Germany has to pay for Spain’s sangria?

Inmate #2: They do if they don’t want the Euro to crumble.

Inmate #1: [ he scoffs ] Would you have Germany bail out Portugal?

Inmate #2: Bitch, you know I got no love for Portugal! Portugal ain’t nothin’ but the dingleberry hanging off of Spain’s nutsack! [ he scoffs ] Portugal! And they low-ass broke! They can fall in the ocean for all I care!

Inmate #1: So now you willin’ to let a domino fall. But when it was Greece, it was a different story.

Inmate #2: Yo! Greece created democracy! I got MAD respect for Greece!

Inmate #1: Man, creation of democracy is in the PAST, yo! Greece wantin’ respect for democracy is like Nas wantin’ respect for Illmatic!

Inmate #2: Oh, snap!

Inmate #1: I mean, DSK know what I’m talkin’ about!

Inmate #2: [ laughing ] Yeah, that’s fair! Okay! That’s fair!

Inmate #1: It’s been really good talkin’ to you, Mr. Strauss-Kahn.

Inmate #2: Yeah. It truly has. So, uh — [ he looks around the cell ] We gonna RAPE you now! Yeah!

[ both inmates place their hands on Strauss-Kahn’s shoulders ]

Inmate #2: And…

All: “LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!”

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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