Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 22
Dominique Gaston André Strauss-Kahn…..Taran Killam
Inmate #1…..Jay Pharoah
Inmate #2…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on exterior, Rikers Island ] [ dissolve to interior, jail cell, as Dominique Gaston André Strauss-Kahn is led inside by a Guard ]
Guard: Probably not the high-end accomodations you’re used to, Mr. Strauss-Kahn, but, uh, make yourself at home.[ Strauss-Kahn sits on a bench as the Guard exits; a pair of inmates at the rear of the cell take notice ]
Inmate #1: Did you hear what I heard?
Inmate #2: Well, we best introduce ourselves!
Inmate #2: Hey! Hey, we heard all about you on the news!
Inmate #1: Mr. Dominique Strauss-Kahn! Former head of the IMF!
Inmate #2: Well, guess what, Mr. Strauss-Kahn? I have a question for YOU! [ he leans closer ] What’s the IMF gonna do about the debt crisis in Greece?
Inmate #1: I tell you what I’D do: I’d let ’em default, get Greece out of the Eurozone.
Inmate #2: Come on, man! You gotta give Greece a chance to settle they debt!
Inmate #1: With what?! Greeks don’t be payin’ their taxes! Where’s the revenue gonna come from? They gonna sell a chillion dollars worth of feta?
Inmate #2: Oh, snap! Come on now! Come on now, don’t be beatin’ on the Greeks!
Inmate #1: You know what the biggest Greek export is? Hard-working Greeks!
Inmate #2: True! True![ Strauss-Kahn smiles quietly ]
Inmate #2: Yeah, Strauss-Kahn kinda likes that! Look at Strauss-Kahn! Ha ha! Yeah!
Inmate #1: Yo! You wanna feel bad for somebody? Feel bad for the Irish.
Inmate #2: Oh, I hear that! You GOTTA feel Ireland! [ they bump fists ]
Inmate #1: Man. The Irish been eatin’ dirt and potatoes for 400 years. You can’t blame them for thinking it was their time for soem happiness.
Inmate #2: Yeah, but the good news is, the Irish know how to HANDLE hard times! They like the Germans!
Inmate #1: What?! You can’t say that! The Germans the only people in Europe that know the score right now!
Inmate #2: What about Sweden?
Inmate #1: I mean countries in the Eurozone.
Inmate #2: Well, you didn’t SAY that!
Inmate #1: [ he shrugs ] We talkin’ about the Euros! So leave Sweden out of it!
Inmate #2: Well, when it comes to the Euro, Sweden thanks God every day that they were left out of it! [ he playfully shoves Strauss-Kahn ] You know what I’m talkin’ about, Strauss-Kahn![ Strauss-Kahn smiles along ]
Inmate #2: Yeah, he likes THAT one! See, he’s smiling a little bit! He’s in JAIL, but he’s smilin’! Yeah!
Inmate #1: All I’m saying, is the Germans have proven that the only way out of a debt crisis is austerity measures. You get in a jam, you gotta cut back.
Inmate #2: Yo! But you can’t expect the rest of Europe to act like Germany! I mean, Germans be GOOD at being hos-tile — that’s they habit! All a German needs to smile, is a half a sausage and a carton of Menthol! I mean, you can’t expect somebody in Spain to be happy with that! In Spain, they need to rezone sangria!
Inmate #1: And I guess Germany has to pay for Spain’s sangria?
Inmate #2: They do if they don’t want the Euro to crumble.
Inmate #1: [ he scoffs ] Would you have Germany bail out Portugal?
Inmate #2: Bitch, you know I got no love for Portugal! Portugal ain’t nothin’ but the dingleberry hanging off of Spain’s nutsack! [ he scoffs ] Portugal! And they low-ass broke! They can fall in the ocean for all I care!
Inmate #1: So now you willin’ to let a domino fall. But when it was Greece, it was a different story.
Inmate #2: Yo! Greece created democracy! I got MAD respect for Greece!
Inmate #1: Man, creation of democracy is in the PAST, yo! Greece wantin’ respect for democracy is like Nas wantin’ respect for Illmatic!
Inmate #2: Oh, snap!
Inmate #1: I mean, DSK know what I’m talkin’ about!
Inmate #2: [ laughing ] Yeah, that’s fair! Okay! That’s fair!
Inmate #1: It’s been really good talkin’ to you, Mr. Strauss-Kahn.
Inmate #2: Yeah. It truly has. So, uh — [ he looks around the cell ] We gonna RAPE you now! Yeah![ both inmates place their hands on Strauss-Kahn’s shoulders ]
Inmate #2: And…
All: “LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!”