Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 22
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10v: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
…..Seth Meyers
Nicolas Cage…..Andy Samberg
…..Bradley Cooper
Stefon…..Bill Hader
Announcer: Weekend Update, with Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: Good evening. I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:
Sources are saying that Saif al-Adel, a former Egyptian Special Forces operative, has been appointed the “caretaker” of Al Qaeda in the wake of Bin Laden’s death. Al-Adel was chosen because of his military background, his youth and because he was the last one to shout “Not it!”
President Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu met Friday at the White House, one day after Obama called for Israel to return to its 1967 borders. It’s hard to know what was said at the meeting, but I’m betting on heavy use of the word “meshuganah”.
Despite announcing that he would not for President, Donald Trump insisted, Monday, that if he had stayed in the race he would have won the primary and the general election. Pretty bold, when you consider the fact that he’s not even winning his time slot.
Seth Meyers: It was revealed this week that Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with his long-time housekeeper. That brings us to a segment we like to call “Really!?!” with Seth.
[ show title card ]
Seth Meyers: Really, Arnold Schwarzenegger? You had an affair with the maid, in your house? You know, when powerful people have affairs, they usually put a little effort into it. I mean, really! Secret rendezvous. High priced call girl. What did you do? Just sit in your recliner and point at your weiner whenever someone walked by? Really?
Did you really think it was a good idea for your mistress to work in your home for fourteen years after the affair? Right in front of your wife? Thats so risky! Im not even married and I erase my Internet history every four hours. Just in case I die and my mom comes over. Really!
I have to say, you have giant balls for a guy who definitely has tiny steroid balls. Really! And then it was revealed on Wednesday that the child you fathered with the housekeeper was born just days after Maria Shriver gave birth to your other son. Two kids in a week! So wait, every time I saw you smoking a cigar, were you just celebrating another baby? Youre like Oprah, but with babies. [ imitating Schwarzenegger ] “You get a baby! And you get a baby! Everybody gets a baby!”
Also, I couldnt help but notice every one of your movies makes a perfect New York Post headline for this story: “Junior”, “Twins”, “True Lies”, “Predator”, “Judgment Day”, “Collateral Damage”, and “Raw Deal”. Thank God you passed on the action-comedy Governor Horn Dog.
And you brought the maid on vacation with your family. Really?! Thats a little suspicious, isnt it? Hotels already have maids. Thats like bringing weed to Amsterdam. Really!
But Arnold, really, this is the important part: If this baby is the future leader of the resistance against our robot overlords, let us know. We wont forgive you, but it WILL help your case. Really!
[ show title card ]
Announcer: This has been “Really!?!” with Seth.
Seth Meyers: It was reported that the Walt Disney Company has officially bought the trademark to the name “Seal Team 6”, the name of the unit that killed Osama Bin Laden. So get ready for a very disturbing sequel to “Up”. [ aside ] You don’t want to see that? I don’t want to see that movie.
The winner of the Miss Madison beauty pageant was forced to give up her crown this week, after she was arrested for identity theft. You know, I’m starting to think the best way to win a beauty pageant is to come in second and just wait.
A man in Wisconsin, on Tuesday, ate his 25-thousandth Big Mac on the 39th anniversary of eating his first one. Then afterwards, he ate a piece of broccoli and died.
Seth Meyers: And now it’s time for “Get in the Cage!”, a segment where actor Nicolas Cage sits down with fellow thespians to discuss the craft of their recent work. Please welcome Nicolas Cage and Bradley Cooper!
Bradley Cooper: Wow! Thank you SO much for having me, Nick! I am, uh, REALLY excited to get in the Cage!
Nicolas Cage: Oh, that’s very kind of you, Bradley. Now, let’s begin with a question about your new movie, “The Hangover: Part 2”.
Bradley Cooper: Yep. Shoot!
Nicolas Cage: In it, you play a gentleman who has a wild, drunken night in Bangkok, and then must face the grim repercussions.
Bradley Cooper: That is correct.
Nicolas Cage: So my question is: HOW AM I NOT IN THAT MOVIE?!!”
Bradley Cooper: Uh, what do you mean?
Nicolas Cage: Well, it has the TWO classic elements of a Nic Cage film! 1. I’m told the actors were given FOOD! 2. It’s basically a shot-for-shot recreation of my life! I AM the Human Hangover!
Bradley Cooper: Uh — look, Nic. I’m sorry you weren’t in “The Hangover: Part 2”. Maybe you were too busy. I mean, you’re in EVERY movie. You’re like a dangerous Eugene Levy.
Nicolas Cage: [ absorbs this compliment ] That’s high praise! Look, you seem nice, Cooper-Scooper! But, nevertheless, you lack the key ingredient to being a true film icon: Nomadic eyebrows, that have long since traveled from their home. The forehead village they grew up in was a safe haven! When ADVENTURE came calling! And like the gladiators of yore, they rode across the crescent moon that is my hairline! And THAT… is the audacity of hope.
Bradley Cooper: I think I’m ready to get out of the Cage.
Seth Meyers: Yeah, that I would do.
Nicolas Cage: There’s only ONE way out of the Cage! A fight to the death! TWO men enter! TWO men leave!
Bradley Cooper: I think it’s one man enters.
Nicolas Cage: Yeah, math was never my strong suit! And NOW, in the words of my fellow actor and life coach Mel Gibson… “Prepare to die from human bites!”
Seth Meyers: [ amused ] Oh, I’m sorry. Mel Gibson is your life coach?
Nicolas Cage: Yes!
Seth Meyers: Who’s your accountant?
Nicolas Cage: Wesley Snipes.
Seth Meyers: Okay, yeah.
Nicolas Cage: It’s a long story!!
Seth Meyers: Wrap it up!
Nicolas Cage: Fine by me, Seth! For now it is time for me to ride off to my NEXT adventure!
Bradley Cooper: Oh! What’s that?
[ camera zooms on Cage ]
Nicolas Cage: I’m gonna kill the ghost of Osama bin Laden!
Seth Meyers: Nic Cage and Bradley Cooper, everyone!
On Tuesday, the Pillow Fight World Cup was held in Brooklyn, New York. And that’s what you want — people in the Kingdom of Bedbugs shaking their linens out in the open. What a nightmare!
A growing trend among expectant parents is to have the sex of their baby revealed through “baby cakes,” which contain either blue or pink icing inside, rather than having a doctor tell them. And what could be more American than saying, “Yeah, yeah, doctor. I’ll believe it when I hear it from a dessert. Thank you, though.”
A new trend on the Internet is photos of people “planking”, which is the act of lying face down, keeping one’s body stiff while balancing on top of something. Or what protestants call “sex”.
A woman in Pennsylvania was arrested after she allegedly fed marijuana-laced margarine to a 12-year-old girl she was babysitting. Marijuana-laced margarine? “I can’t believe it’s Pot Butter!”
Seth Meyers: Tonight is the season finale, so I just want to say to everyone out there: THank you for watching, and have a wonderful summer! [ he looks off-screen ] You ready to go, Stefon?
[ Stefon appears in front of the news desk ]
Stefon: Yes!
[ Seth grabs his bag and steps around the news desk to join Stefon ]
Seth Meyers: Where are we going again, Buddy?
Stefon: It’s that thing… of when a beach is covered in jellyfish, and a sunburned old man braids your hair.
Seth Meyers: So… can my girlfriend come?
Stefon: No.
[ “Casablanca”-style music pots up ]
Seth Meyers: Stefon… I think this is the beginning… of a beautiful nightmare.
[ Stefon nods hsppily ]
Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers. Good night!
[ Seth and Stefon walk off with a sly wink to the audience ]
[ fade ]
