SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 05/21/11: WXPD News


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 22

10v: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga


Jack Rizzoli……Jason Sudeikis
Wanda Ramirez……Nasim Pedrad
Herb Welch……Bill Hader
Dan McDonald……Justin Timberlake
Ken Yi……..Fred Armisen
Heckler…..Andy Samberg

[ open on news logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching WXPD News, New York.

[ dissolve to studio anchor ]

Jack Rizzoli: Good morning, everyone, I’m Jack Rizzoli.

Wanda Ramirez: And I’m Wanda Ramirez.

Jack Rizzoli: Our top story today: a junior high school in Long Island has been evacuated after a dangerous carbon monoxide leak. Veteran reporter Herb Welch is on the scene, who this week celebrated his 70th year with the network. Hello, Herb.

[The 90-something year old Herb is seen, thick glasses and all, standing in front of a school. As always, he stands slouched talking very close to the microphone.]

Herb Welch: Hello, Jack.

Jack Rizzoli: Now, Herb, walk us through what’s happening at that school. Have all the students been evacuated?

Herb Welch: I’ve, uh….got a guy. This is teacher Dan McCarty.

Dan McDonald: It’s McDonald, actually. Dan McDonald.

Herb Welch: ….It’s the same thing. Alright, alright, what happened.

[Herb smacks Dan in the face with the microphone.]

Dan McDonald: Well…..[Herb starts to move the microphone around as Dan moves around trying to talk into it]…we were told about the leak this morning, so I gathered the children and had them evacuate the school.

Herb Welch: Wh-wh-what kind of teacher?

[Herb smacks Dan in the face with the microphone again.]

Dan McDonald: Uh….I’m an art….art teacher.

Herb Welch: Like with the macaroni and the…..[Herb breathes heavily taking his time in between words]….and the yarn?

[Herb smacks Dan in the face with the microphone again.]

Dan McDonald: Uh….I teach drawing actually.

Herb Welch: There you have it: like it or not, the folk scene is here to stay. Back to you, Jack.

Jack Rizzoli: No, no, no, Herb, hold on a sec.

Herb Welch: What?

Jack Rizzoli: Stay there a minute, okay? Does Dan know what caused the leak?

Herb Welch: What?

Jack Rizzoli: [laughing a little bit] Does Dan know what caused the leak?

Herb Welch: I don’t know what caused it, I just got here.

Jack Rizzoli: I know you don’t, Herb. I know you don’t. Ask him “do you know what caused the leak?”

Herb Welch: Hey! Don’t write my copy, you lifeguard! [Herb turns back to Dan, but first has to hide his face from laughing.] What leaked?

[Herb smacks Dan in the face with the microphone again.]

Dan McDonald: The boilers in the school have been a problem for a long time…..[Herb continues to move the microphone, now lowering it closer and closer to the ground]…and I, for one, am appalled!

[Herb brings the microphone back up.]

Herb Welch: Hey –

Dan McDonald: The school –

[Herb is now smacking Dan in the face with the microphone.]

Dan McDonald: The school –

Herb Welch: Hey, I got a question for ya. [He smacks Dan again with the microphone.] Do you think, uh….do you think Lucille Ball is a…..a Pinko?

[Herb smacks Dan again with the microphone.]

Dan McDonald: I’m…I’m sorry, did you say Lucille Ball?

[Jack interrupts.]

Jack Rizzoli: Yeah, Herb, exactly. Stay on point please.

Herb Welch: Name names, come on.

[As Herb goes to hit Dan with the microphone once again, Dan rips it out of his hands. Herb brings up his back-up microphone with his other hand and smacks Dan.]

Wanda Ramirez: Herb, does Dan think school officials were aware of the problem?

[Herb looks annoyed.]

Herb Welch: Ugghhh…[to Dan] so, you see the fights last night? [Herb hits Dan with the microphone.]

Jack Rizzoli: Come on, Herb. Herb, Wanda asked you a question.

Herb Welch: Yeah, well she can go back to her kitchen.

Jack Rizzoli: Herb….Herb, answer her.

Herb Welch: I’m not taking my set-ups from a hat-check girl!

Dan McDonald: Excuse me, can we talk about the students, please? They were put in real danger by our principal. That….that man, right over there! [He points at Principal Ken Yi standing off to the side.]

Ken Yi: Excuse me, that is absolutely not true!

Herb Welch: And that’s the news! Stay tuned for “Playhouse 90” with Lee Jacobs! Thank you!

Jack Rizzoli: [annoyed] No, no, Herb turn around and talk to that principal! Come on!

Herb Welch: [annoyed] Suck an egg, you manequin.

[Herb shuffles over to Ken, and is also motioning for Ken to move closer to him. A car passes by and a heckler yells out the window.]

Heckler: You suck, Herb Welch!

Herb Welch: [pointing at the car] Thank you!

[Herb must now hide his face away because of laughter.]

Herb Welch: [to Ken Yi] Alright….uh….now who are you?

Ken Yi: Hi, I’m the principal here. My name is Ken Yi.

Herb Welch: [having a flashback to the war] Oh, Banzai, huh? Remember me?! [He begins to hit Ken with the microphone in an attacking fashion. Dan comes over and pulls him away.]

Jack Rizzoli: No! Herb! No, no, no, no! Herb! Come on! The war is over, Herb!

Herb Welch: What? What happened? What did I do?

Jack Rizzoli: You blew the story, that’s what you did.

[Dan takes the microphone from Herb as he restrains him. Herb is still trying to kick Ken.]

Dan McDonald: I’m sorry, Jack? Maybe you should be a little more patient with Herb. He may be old, but that just means….[Herb is flailing about. He pushes the microphone into Dan’s face.]….[to Herb] stop moving….just means that his soul is wise.

Herb Welch: Jack? If Shep Kramer knew about the way you anchor, he’d turn over in his grave.

Jack Rizzoli: No, he wouldn’t, Herb, because Shep Kramer was cremated.

Herb Welch: They burned my friend!

Jack Rizzoli: Okay, come on! Herb, come on, pull it together, buddy.

Herb Welch: You son of a bitch! [He runs towards the camera and starts hitting it with his microphone.]

Jack Rizzoli: Okay, just cut away. Can we cut away for a minute please? Oh man. As always, we apologize to you in the Asian and female communities. Up next, we’ll talk to Long Island officials…

[Jack is handed a piece of paper and reads it.]

Jack Rizzoli: Oh, but first, some very sad news. I’ve just received word that our own Herb Welch died five seconds ago. Here is seen on assignment in 1963. [A black and white photograph is shown of Lee Harvey Oswald being assassinated while being interviewed by Herb.] Mr. Welch had been in bad health. We…we go now to the scene. Gentleman, what happened.

[Herb is sitting on a bench holding a microphone. His eyes and mouth are wide open, and he has apparently stopped breathing.]

Ken Yi: The guy started to cough and then he turned pale and he wasn’t breathing…

Herb Welch: Sulplise! (Said in a Japanese accent) [He gets up, lunges towards Ken, and begins hitting him with the microphone, as Dan tries to break it up.]

Jack Rizzoli: Cut away! Cut away! Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Well, it appears that Mr. Welch is still alive and as unprofessional as ever.

[Jack is suddenly hit in the face with a microphone. Herb apparently made a quick trip to the studio.]


[The WXPD New York logo is shown once again.] [Fade out.]

Submitted by: Matt W.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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