Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 22
Jack Rizzoli……Jason Sudeikis
Wanda Ramirez……Nasim Pedrad
Herb Welch……Bill Hader
Dan McDonald……Justin Timberlake
Ken Yi……..Fred Armisen
[ open on news logo ]
Announcer: You’re watching WXPD News, New York.[ dissolve to studio anchor ]
Jack Rizzoli: Good morning, everyone, I’m Jack Rizzoli.
Wanda Ramirez: And I’m Wanda Ramirez.
Jack Rizzoli: Our top story today: a junior high school in Long Island has been evacuated after a dangerous carbon monoxide leak. Veteran reporter Herb Welch is on the scene, who this week celebrated his 70th year with the network. Hello, Herb.[The 90-something year old Herb is seen, thick glasses and all, standing in front of a school. As always, he stands slouched talking very close to the microphone.]
Herb Welch: Hello, Jack.
Jack Rizzoli: Now, Herb, walk us through what’s happening at that school. Have all the students been evacuated?
Herb Welch: I’ve, uh….got a guy. This is teacher Dan McCarty.
Dan McDonald: It’s McDonald, actually. Dan McDonald.
Herb Welch: ….It’s the same thing. Alright, alright, what happened.
Dan McDonald: Well…..[Herb starts to move the microphone around as Dan moves around trying to talk into it]…we were told about the leak this morning, so I gathered the children and had them evacuate the school.
Herb Welch: Wh-wh-what kind of teacher?[Herb smacks Dan in the face with the microphone again.]
Dan McDonald: Uh….I’m an art….art teacher.
Herb Welch: Like with the macaroni and the…..[Herb breathes heavily taking his time in between words]….and the yarn?[Herb smacks Dan in the face with the microphone again.]
Dan McDonald: Uh….I teach drawing actually.
Herb Welch: There you have it: like it or not, the folk scene is here to stay. Back to you, Jack.
Jack Rizzoli: No, no, no, Herb, hold on a sec.
Herb Welch: What?
Jack Rizzoli: Stay there a minute, okay? Does Dan know what caused the leak?
Herb Welch: What?
Jack Rizzoli: [laughing a little bit] Does Dan know what caused the leak?
Herb Welch: I don’t know what caused it, I just got here.
Jack Rizzoli: I know you don’t, Herb. I know you don’t. Ask him “do you know what caused the leak?”
Herb Welch: Hey! Don’t write my copy, you lifeguard! [Herb turns back to Dan, but first has to hide his face from laughing.] What leaked?[Herb smacks Dan in the face with the microphone again.]
Dan McDonald: The boilers in the school have been a problem for a long time…..[Herb continues to move the microphone, now lowering it closer and closer to the ground]…and I, for one, am appalled![Herb brings the microphone back up.]
Herb Welch: Hey –
Dan McDonald: The school –[Herb is now smacking Dan in the face with the microphone.]
Dan McDonald: The school –
Herb Welch: Hey, I got a question for ya. [He smacks Dan again with the microphone.] Do you think, uh….do you think Lucille Ball is a…..a Pinko?[Herb smacks Dan again with the microphone.]
Dan McDonald: I’m…I’m sorry, did you say Lucille Ball?[Jack interrupts.]
Jack Rizzoli: Yeah, Herb, exactly. Stay on point please.
Herb Welch: Name names, come on.[As Herb goes to hit Dan with the microphone once again, Dan rips it out of his hands. Herb brings up his back-up microphone with his other hand and smacks Dan.]
Wanda Ramirez: Herb, does Dan think school officials were aware of the problem?[Herb looks annoyed.]
Herb Welch: Ugghhh…[to Dan] so, you see the fights last night? [Herb hits Dan with the microphone.]
Jack Rizzoli: Come on, Herb. Herb, Wanda asked you a question.
Herb Welch: Yeah, well she can go back to her kitchen.
Jack Rizzoli: Herb….Herb, answer her.
Herb Welch: I’m not taking my set-ups from a hat-check girl!
Dan McDonald: Excuse me, can we talk about the students, please? They were put in real danger by our principal. That….that man, right over there! [He points at Principal Ken Yi standing off to the side.]
Ken Yi: Excuse me, that is absolutely not true!
Herb Welch: And that’s the news! Stay tuned for “Playhouse 90” with Lee Jacobs! Thank you!
Jack Rizzoli: [annoyed] No, no, Herb turn around and talk to that principal! Come on!
Herb Welch: [annoyed] Suck an egg, you manequin.[Herb shuffles over to Ken, and is also motioning for Ken to move closer to him. A car passes by and a heckler yells out the window.]
Heckler: You suck, Herb Welch!
Herb Welch: [pointing at the car] Thank you![Herb must now hide his face away because of laughter.]
Herb Welch: [to Ken Yi] Alright….uh….now who are you?
Ken Yi: Hi, I’m the principal here. My name is Ken Yi.
Herb Welch: [having a flashback to the war] Oh, Banzai, huh? Remember me?! [He begins to hit Ken with the microphone in an attacking fashion. Dan comes over and pulls him away.]
Jack Rizzoli: No! Herb! No, no, no, no! Herb! Come on! The war is over, Herb!
Herb Welch: What? What happened? What did I do?
Jack Rizzoli: You blew the story, that’s what you did.[Dan takes the microphone from Herb as he restrains him. Herb is still trying to kick Ken.]
Dan McDonald: I’m sorry, Jack? Maybe you should be a little more patient with Herb. He may be old, but that just means….[Herb is flailing about. He pushes the microphone into Dan’s face.]….[to Herb] stop moving….just means that his soul is wise.
Herb Welch: Jack? If Shep Kramer knew about the way you anchor, he’d turn over in his grave.
Jack Rizzoli: No, he wouldn’t, Herb, because Shep Kramer was cremated.
Herb Welch: They burned my friend!
Jack Rizzoli: Okay, come on! Herb, come on, pull it together, buddy.
Herb Welch: You son of a bitch! [He runs towards the camera and starts hitting it with his microphone.]
Jack Rizzoli: Okay, just cut away. Can we cut away for a minute please? Oh man. As always, we apologize to you in the Asian and female communities. Up next, we’ll talk to Long Island officials…[Jack is handed a piece of paper and reads it.]
Jack Rizzoli: Oh, but first, some very sad news. I’ve just received word that our own Herb Welch died five seconds ago. Here is seen on assignment in 1963. [A black and white photograph is shown of Lee Harvey Oswald being assassinated while being interviewed by Herb.] Mr. Welch had been in bad health. We…we go now to the scene. Gentleman, what happened.[Herb is sitting on a bench holding a microphone. His eyes and mouth are wide open, and he has apparently stopped breathing.]
Ken Yi: The guy started to cough and then he turned pale and he wasn’t breathing…
Herb Welch: Sulplise! (Said in a Japanese accent) [He gets up, lunges towards Ken, and begins hitting him with the microphone, as Dan tries to break it up.]
Jack Rizzoli: Cut away! Cut away! Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Well, it appears that Mr. Welch is still alive and as unprofessional as ever.[Jack is suddenly hit in the face with a microphone. Herb apparently made a quick trip to the studio.]
Jack Rizzoli: HOW IS THAT?! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?![The WXPD New York logo is shown once again.] [Fade out.]
Submitted by: Matt W.