SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 05/21/11: WXPD News



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 22












10v: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga

WXPD News

Jack Rizzoli……Jason Sudeikis
Wanda Ramirez……Nasim Pedrad
Herb Welch……Bill Hader
Dan McDonald……Justin Timberlake
Ken Yi……..Fred Armisen
Heckler…..Andy Samberg

[ open on news logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching WXPD News, New York.

[ dissolve to studio anchor ]

Jack Rizzoli: Good morning, everyone, I’m Jack Rizzoli.

Wanda Ramirez: And I’m Wanda Ramirez.

Jack Rizzoli: Our top story today: a junior high school in Long Island has been evacuated after a dangerous carbon monoxide leak. Veteran reporter Herb Welch is on the scene, who this week celebrated his 70th year with the network. Hello, Herb.

[The 90-something year old Herb is seen, thick glasses and all, standing in front of a school. As always, he stands slouched talking very close to the microphone.]

Herb Welch: Hello, Jack.

Jack Rizzoli: Now, Herb, walk us through what’s happening at that school. Have all the students been evacuated?

Herb Welch: I’ve, uh….got a guy. This is teacher Dan McCarty.

Dan McDonald: It’s McDonald, actually. Dan McDonald.

Herb Welch: ….It’s the same thing. Alright, alright, what happened.

[Herb smacks Dan in the face with the microphone.]

Dan McDonald: Well…..[Herb starts to move the microphone around as Dan moves around trying to talk into it]…we were told about the leak this morning, so I gathered the children and had them evacuate the school.

Herb Welch: Wh-wh-what kind of teacher?

[Herb smacks Dan in the face with the microphone again.]

Dan McDonald: Uh….I’m an art….art teacher.

Herb Welch: Like with the macaroni and the…..[Herb breathes heavily taking his time in between words]….and the yarn?

[Herb smacks Dan in the face with the microphone again.]

Dan McDonald: Uh….I teach drawing actually.

Herb Welch: There you have it: like it or not, the folk scene is here to stay. Back to you, Jack.

Jack Rizzoli: No, no, no, Herb, hold on a sec.

Herb Welch: What?

Jack Rizzoli: Stay there a minute, okay? Does Dan know what caused the leak?

Herb Welch: What?

Jack Rizzoli: [laughing a little bit] Does Dan know what caused the leak?

Herb Welch: I don’t know what caused it, I just got here.

Jack Rizzoli: I know you don’t, Herb. I know you don’t. Ask him “do you know what caused the leak?”

Herb Welch: Hey! Don’t write my copy, you lifeguard! [Herb turns back to Dan, but first has to hide his face from laughing.] What leaked?

[Herb smacks Dan in the face with the microphone again.]

Dan McDonald: The boilers in the school have been a problem for a long time…..[Herb continues to move the microphone, now lowering it closer and closer to the ground]…and I, for one, am appalled!

[Herb brings the microphone back up.]

Herb Welch: Hey –

Dan McDonald: The school –

[Herb is now smacking Dan in the face with the microphone.]

Dan McDonald: The school –

Herb Welch: Hey, I got a question for ya. [He smacks Dan again with the microphone.] Do you think, uh….do you think Lucille Ball is a…..a Pinko?

[Herb smacks Dan again with the microphone.]

Dan McDonald: I’m…I’m sorry, did you say Lucille Ball?

[Jack interrupts.]

Jack Rizzoli: Yeah, Herb, exactly. Stay on point please.

Herb Welch: Name names, come on.

[As Herb goes to hit Dan with the microphone once again, Dan rips it out of his hands. Herb brings up his back-up microphone with his other hand and smacks Dan.]

Wanda Ramirez: Herb, does Dan think school officials were aware of the problem?

[Herb looks annoyed.]

Herb Welch: Ugghhh…[to Dan] so, you see the fights last night? [Herb hits Dan with the microphone.]

Jack Rizzoli: Come on, Herb. Herb, Wanda asked you a question.

Herb Welch: Yeah, well she can go back to her kitchen.

Jack Rizzoli: Herb….Herb, answer her.

Herb Welch: I’m not taking my set-ups from a hat-check girl!

Dan McDonald: Excuse me, can we talk about the students, please? They were put in real danger by our principal. That….that man, right over there! [He points at Principal Ken Yi standing off to the side.]

Ken Yi: Excuse me, that is absolutely not true!

Herb Welch: And that’s the news! Stay tuned for “Playhouse 90” with Lee Jacobs! Thank you!

Jack Rizzoli: [annoyed] No, no, Herb turn around and talk to that principal! Come on!

Herb Welch: [annoyed] Suck an egg, you manequin.

[Herb shuffles over to Ken, and is also motioning for Ken to move closer to him. A car passes by and a heckler yells out the window.]

Heckler: You suck, Herb Welch!

Herb Welch: [pointing at the car] Thank you!

[Herb must now hide his face away because of laughter.]

Herb Welch: [to Ken Yi] Alright….uh….now who are you?

Ken Yi: Hi, I’m the principal here. My name is Ken Yi.

Herb Welch: [having a flashback to the war] Oh, Banzai, huh? Remember me?! [He begins to hit Ken with the microphone in an attacking fashion. Dan comes over and pulls him away.]

Jack Rizzoli: No! Herb! No, no, no, no! Herb! Come on! The war is over, Herb!

Herb Welch: What? What happened? What did I do?

Jack Rizzoli: You blew the story, that’s what you did.

[Dan takes the microphone from Herb as he restrains him. Herb is still trying to kick Ken.]

Dan McDonald: I’m sorry, Jack? Maybe you should be a little more patient with Herb. He may be old, but that just means….[Herb is flailing about. He pushes the microphone into Dan’s face.]….[to Herb] stop moving….just means that his soul is wise.

Herb Welch: Jack? If Shep Kramer knew about the way you anchor, he’d turn over in his grave.

Jack Rizzoli: No, he wouldn’t, Herb, because Shep Kramer was cremated.

Herb Welch: They burned my friend!

Jack Rizzoli: Okay, come on! Herb, come on, pull it together, buddy.

Herb Welch: You son of a bitch! [He runs towards the camera and starts hitting it with his microphone.]

Jack Rizzoli: Okay, just cut away. Can we cut away for a minute please? Oh man. As always, we apologize to you in the Asian and female communities. Up next, we’ll talk to Long Island officials…

[Jack is handed a piece of paper and reads it.]

Jack Rizzoli: Oh, but first, some very sad news. I’ve just received word that our own Herb Welch died five seconds ago. Here is seen on assignment in 1963. [A black and white photograph is shown of Lee Harvey Oswald being assassinated while being interviewed by Herb.] Mr. Welch had been in bad health. We…we go now to the scene. Gentleman, what happened.

[Herb is sitting on a bench holding a microphone. His eyes and mouth are wide open, and he has apparently stopped breathing.]

Ken Yi: The guy started to cough and then he turned pale and he wasn’t breathing…

Herb Welch: Sulplise! (Said in a Japanese accent) [He gets up, lunges towards Ken, and begins hitting him with the microphone, as Dan tries to break it up.]

Jack Rizzoli: Cut away! Cut away! Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Well, it appears that Mr. Welch is still alive and as unprofessional as ever.

[Jack is suddenly hit in the face with a microphone. Herb apparently made a quick trip to the studio.]

Jack Rizzoli: HOW IS THAT?! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!

[The WXPD New York logo is shown once again.]

[Fade out.]

Submitted by: Matt W.

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