SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 09/24/11


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 1

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

September 24th, 2011

Alec Baldwin



Steve Martin

Seth Rogen


Either the 7th or 8th GOP DebateSummary: Shepard Smith (Bill Hader) moderates the latest debate between Republican frontrunners Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis), Rick Perry (Alec Baldwin), and other candidates who don’t stand a chance at their party’s nomination.

Recurring Characters: Shepard Smith, Mitt Romney, Michelle Bachman, Newt Gingrich.



Alec Baldwin’s MonologueSummary: Alec jokes about Ben & Jerry’s new Schweddy Balls flavor, then triumphes that his 16th hosting gig finally puts him ahead of Steve Martin’s record. Martin then shows up to make sure that Baldwin is hosting without the aid of steroids, and employs drug expert Seth Rogen to analyze Baldwin’s urine sample.


Red Flag ParfumSummary: The enchanting fragrance that warns would-be suitors that the attractive woman in the bar might not be worth the pursuit.


“All My Children” Wrap PartySummary: Susan Lucci (Vanessa Bayer) toasts her glass to a roomful of actors and actresses whose real-life quirks are just as overdramatic as their soap opera characters.

WDHX NewsSummary: Denise Fineman (Kristen Wiig) reports live, via tape delay, from Costa Rica, where her desk anchors (Alec Baldwin, Abby Elliott) are unable to protect her from jungle creatures about to attack.

Note: This sketch had previously been cut from dress rehearsals of episodes hosted by Ellen Page and Amy Adams during SNL’s 33rd season.

Radiohead performs “Lotus Flower”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Tony Bennett’s (Alec Baldwin) summer movie wrap-up derails into a discussion about women’s hygeine products.

Recurring Characters: Tony Bennett.


Who’s On Top?Summary: Contestants (Alec Baldwin, Vanessa Bayer) try to guess which of two male celebrities would be on top if they were involved in a hypothetical gay relationship.


Top Gun 25th Anniversary DVDSummary: The 25th Anniversary DVD re-release features audition outtakes from unlikely 80’s-era celebrities.

Recurring Characters: Tony Danza, Al Pacino, Harvey Fierstein, Paula Abdul, Alan Alda, Crispin Glover, Prince, Mindy Cohn.

Note: This was cut from the dress rehearsal of last season’s finale.


Child PsychologistSummary: Child psychologist (Alec Baldwin) ignores his whiny daughter (Nasim Pedrad) for her own good during a dinner date at home with Elaine (Vanessa Bayer).


Radiohead performs “Staircase”

Turner Classic MoviesSummary: Captain (Alec Baldwin) gives his private (Taran Killam) unusual final requests after being shot by the enemy.



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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) discusses the state of the economy and how nothing has changed since he assumed office.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

Rock’s WaySummary: Appearing in various Broadway productions, Chris Rock (Jay Pharoah) breaks the fourth wall to perform stand-up routines making fun of each play.

Note: This piece will air on next week’s episode.


Netflix ApologySummary: Netflix founders (Jason Sudeikis, Fred Armisen) apologize for their recent bad policy changes, then proceed to make more inane policy changes.

Headz UpSummary: The text-based app that clues people to their surroundings and keeps them out of danger while their eyes are glued to their tech devices.

Note: This ad parody will eventually air on the episode hosted by Daniel Radcliffe.

Willy Wonka ReunionSummary: The kids from “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” (Nasim Pedrad, Vanessa Bayer, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, Alec Baldwin) get together on “The Today Show” for a 40-year reunion.

Top Gun 25th Anniversary DVD IISummary: The 25th Anniversary DVD re-release features additional audition outtakes from unlikely 80’s-era celebrities.

Note: This was cut from the dress rehearsal of last season’s finale.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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