Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 1
Child Psychologist
Jeff…..Alec Baldwin
Elaine…..Vanessa Bayer
Raquel…..Nasim Pedrad
[ open on Jeff and Elaine seated at a candlelit dinner in his house ]
Jeff: [ toasting her glass ] To a wonderful evening.
Elaine: Thanks for having me over. I didn’t want to say this before, but I’ve read ALL your books on Child Psychology.
Jeff: Yes. Well, helping parents raise their children is my life’s passion.
[ suddenly, Jeff’s daughter Raquel slowly passes through the front room, crying ]
Elaine: Uh — who’s that little girl.
Jeff: That’s my daughter Raquel — she’s grounded, just ignore her. That’s my first rule of parenting: To acknowledge her… is to give her the power. Uh — more of this fabulous wine?
Elaine: If the doctor recommends it!
[ he pours more wine, as Raquel reappears from the opposite direction, crying harder ]
Raquel: I know you can hear me!
Elaine: Okay, she seems really upset. If you need to take a moment with her —
Jeff: Oh, no, no, no! She’ll tire out soon. My e-wife never understood that. But my ex-wife’s not here tonight, it’s just… you and me.
[ Raquel appears right behind her father, crying ]
Raquel: It just seems like by now you would have come and talked to me!
[ Elaine glances over at Raquel ]
Jeff: Don’t look at her, Elaine! If you make eye contact with her, you give HER the power!
Raquel: [ now standing behind Elaine ] I feel like your parenting style isn’t really paying off! [ she leans over Elaine ] Hi, lady… I like your bangs… here’s a note! [ she hands the note over and cries directly into Elaine’s face ]
Elaine: I’m gonna read this.
Jeff: Fine! I know what it says already!
Elaine: [ reading ] “I’m sorry if i’m ruining your date, but I’m actually a really rational person.”
[ Raquel watches from behind a potted plant ]
Elaine: [ continues reading, as Jeff mouthes along ] “I’m in the plant, if you ant to talk. P.S.: Are you my new mother?”
Jeff: Elaine, let me ask you a question — how is your shrimp cocktail?
Elaine: To be honest, I haven’t tried it. There’s been other things happening.
[ Raquel cries as she lays atop a hutch and throws dishes at the floor ]
Jeff: Keep your eyes on ME, Elaine! If you turn around and see what’s happening, you’ll give her the power!
[ Raquel throws more dishes and cups to the floor ]
Jeff: Elaine, it feels like we’re the only two people on Earth, doesn’t it? [ he casually sips his wine ]
Raquel: Look what I’m doing!! I could FALL!! Let’s TALK about that!!
Elaine: [ flustered ] Oh, my God! Maybe we should just —
Jeff: Acknowledge she’s alive? No! Her mother suggested that. She was WEAK, and a regular psychologist! Trust me! Because of MY philosophy, she will grow into a well-adjusted, emotionally stable young lady.
Elaine: [ looking past Jeff ] Uh — well — um, Jeff? Jeff?
Jeff: Is my tennis jacket on fire behind me? I have many tennis jackets.
Raquel: [ desperately ] It’s your favorite!
Jeff: [ outraged ] NOT THE BLUE!! — [ he almost turns his head, but stops ] Ohhhhh! You see that, Elaine? She almost got me. I almost gave her the power.
Elaine: Listen, Jeff — I just want to say something. I’m starting to think that —
Jeff: Elaine… I know what you’re going to say, and you’re right: This date is going really, really well. One of the best dates either one of us has been on in years. But there’s one more thing, Elaine. If you acknowledge the terrine of tapioca above your head… you give her the power.
[ Raquel cries as she dumps tapioca over Elaine’s head ]
Raquel: I’m so sorry, Elaine! This is NEVER about you! I PROMISE t’ll come right out!! [ she puts the bowl over Elaine’s head ]
Jeff: She’s wrong, Elaine! Don’t let HER know that YOU know that you have tapioca all over your head!
Elaine: I’m sorry, Jeff, alright? Um…Raquel? It’s okay. I acknowledge you. What can I do?
[ Raquel guffaws ]
Raquel: Oh, man! Elaine, you dummy! You gave me the power! [ she dumps in her daddy’s lap ] Dad, you’re too GOOD for this BOZO!
Jeff: You’re right, sweetheart, she’s a fool. [ to Elaine ] After we have sex, Elaine, you should probably go home.
[ fade ]
