Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 1
Either the 7th or 8th GOP Debate
Shepard Smith…..Bill Hader
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Rick Perry…..Alec Baldwin
John Huntsman…..Taran Killam
Ron Paul…..Paul Brittain
Herman Cain…..Kenan Thompson
Rick Santorum…..Andy Samberg
Michelle Bachmann…..Kristen Wiig
Newt Gingrich…..Bobby Moynihan
Announcer: And now, live from the Strom Thurmond Memorial Library in Lynchfield, South Carolina — it’s Either the 7th or 8th GOP Debate. And now, please welcome your debate moderator: from FOX News — Shepard Smith.[ dissolve to Smith at his podium ]
Shepard Smith: Good evening. I’m Shepard Smith, and I come from a town full of secrets. I’d like to begin by apologizing for responses by the audience at the previous three debates, who booed a soldier, cheered executions, and applauded the death of an uninsured man. It was inappropriate. I’d also like to apologize for the late start tonight — there was a six-car pile-up on Route 20 that burst into flames. [ the audience applauds ]
Tonight’s debate is between former governor Mitt Romney… and governor Rick Perry. There are also six other people who will NEVER be president, but showed up anyway. Their names are John Huntsman… Ron Paul… Herman Cain… Rick Santorum… Michelle Bachmann… and Newt Gingrich.
Now, before we begin, we had complaints that our soudn effects marking the end of a candidate’s time sounded too close to a doorbell, and therefore is making dogs at home go crazy. So we changed the sound to this: [ a cat meows ]
Governor Perry, we’ll begin with you. A mere three weeks ago, you were the darling of the right wing of the Republican Party, but now, after three debates, your inconsistent performances have given your supporters doubts. My question is: Can you speak for ten seconds without alienating your base?
Rick Perry: Now, the Conservative Base needs to know that Rick Perry stands with them 110%. I believe we need to lower the corporate tax rate, I believe we need fewer regulations, I believe all ten-year old girls should be vaccinated for HPV so they can enter into menaingful sexual relationships. No? Uh… oh, I’ll try again. “Rick Perry… consistent…” Uh, I believe Social Security is a Ponzi scheme, I believe we need to build a fence to keep the illegals out; however, should any illegals get through and have children here, I believe we should open our hearts and pay for their education. [ the audience boos ] No? Do-over! Do-over! Uh… Rick Perry only listens to two people: Jesus Christ and Rachel Maddow! [ the audience boos ] No? No. Damn!
Shepard Smith: Mitt Romney. Despite currently polling second, voters still don’t seem to conenct to you. Tell us: Who is Mitt Romney?
Mitt Romney: Well… I’d like to start by saying that I know things have gotten pretty heated between Governor Perry and I in the last few debates… and I… I just want to thank him for not playing the Mormon card. Now, I know it’s there and I know it’s tempting.
Rick Perry: Oh… I’m gonna do it soon, real soon, you just wait!Now, look — Mitt Romney might not be the perfect candidate. But he’s the PERFECT candidate in comparison to the other candidates! Next to Rick Perry, I’m a centrist. Next to Michelle Bachmann, U’m a private sector businessman. Next to Newt Gingrich, I have a normal, human-sized head. Next to Ron Paul… well, I’m the Fonz! And, next to Herman Cain… [ he motions his hand and mouths “I’m White” ] Now, next to John Huntsman, it gets tricky. Because we’re both Mormon and have similar haircuts. But I think I compare favorably to him because I didn’t spend the last two years in China.
John Huntsman: No, no… now, see, I resent that, Mitt. My time spent as Ambassador to China is an asset, but it does not define me. I understand Chinese economy… I understand, a little bit, Chinese culture… [ in Chinese dialect ] You want a little bit Chinese history? Ya ya, okay! Maybe some Chinese-U.S. relation, maybe? Home, please. Ni-hai! [ he yells offscreen in a foreign tongue ] Okay, I read back! 1. Chinese economy; 2. Little bit Chinese culture; 3. Chinese history; 4. Scallion pancake; 5. John Huntsman good president, 2012 — HOW YOU PAY?!
Shepard Smith: Now, sadly, we have to ask questions to condidates who can’t and won’t win. But we will promise to get back to Mr. Romney and Mr. Perry as fast as we can. Gentlemen, do you accept our apologies?
Rick Perry: That’s alright.
Mitt Romney: Yeah, we get it.
Shepard Smith: Newt Gingrich. I’m calling your bluff. Do you really want to be president?
Newt Gingrich: [ rolls his eyes and shakes his head ] No!
Shepard Smith: Would you like to leave now, and beat the rush out of the parking lot?
Newt Gingrich: Thank you!
Shepard Smith: Rick Santorum. You seem confused and flabbergasted by modern-day life.
Rick Santorum: [ almost crying ] Yea-ah! Yuo might say that.
Shepard Smith: It seems like, if there were a time and place in history that best fit your values, it would likely be Salem, Mass. in 1692.
Rick Santorum: [ shaking his head ] Sounds right! I’m sorry… what’s the question?
Shepard Smith: Why stick your neck out and run for president, little guy?
Rick Santorum: [ nervously ] Look — this country is headed into a sca-scary direction, okay? I mean, jsut yesterday, I read a statistic that half — HALF!! — of all marriages… end in SWEATPANTS!!
Shepard Smith: I believe you read that on a billboard for the NBC sitcom “Whitney”.
Rick Santorum: [ confused ] Did I do wrong?
Shepard Smith: [ smiling ] You did! Michelle Bachmann.
Michell Bachmann: [ she grins laciviously ] You know you want it!
Shepard Smith: You were an early leader in the polls, but then numbers dipped when Newsweek showed a picture of your face.
Michell Bachmann: [ smiling ] That’s correct.
Shepard Smith: In Thursday’s debate, you said you believed Americans should pay no taxes at all. How would that work?
Michell Bachmann: Shep… I believe paying no taxes can help us return to the America I love — not the America of Ronald Reagan, not the America of the Founding Fathers — but, rather, the America of thousands of years ago, in which feral bands of mud people lived in their caves, never worrying that Barack Obama was gonna come and take their hard-earned pelts or infringe on their right to bear spears. That’s my America. [ she smiles ]
Shepard Smith: How do you rebound from your falling poll numbers?
Michell Bachmann: Uh, Shepard, I’m persistant. And when I want something, I won’t take “No” for an answer. Take, for instance, when I first met my husband. We were both at a party and I saw him across the room, acting out all the parts from the musical “Grease”. Smitten, I asked him out for a hot water and lemon. He said: “Miss Thing, here’s a quarter — buy yourself a clue.” But I wouldn’t give up. In closing: fences, Jesus, papilloma, eyeballs. [ she smiles ]
Shepard Smith: Jeepers creepers, those are some spooky-ass peepers! Moving on… Herman Cain.
Herman Cain: Who?
Shepard Smith: Mr. Cain, your only experience is serving as CEO of Godfather’s Pizza. How does running a pizza chain equate to running a country?
Herman Cain: Well, Shepard… the one constant through all the years has been PIZZA! America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers, but PIZZA has marked the time. If you order it… pizza will come. Theres no better motto for the federal government than that of a pizza place. Pizza doesnt come to your door unless you ask for it. But when you ask for it… pizza will be there in ten minutes. If you order it… pizza will come. Its four o’clock in the morning, and youre high as a kite and the stuff in your fridge is weirding you out? If you order it… pizza will come. Pizza will come. Oh, pizza will most definitely come. And if you vote for me, America, I promise you… that I WILL deliver![ the audience applauds wildly, as Cain basks in his glory ]
Shepard Smith: Once again, Herman Cain has received wild applause. Now, Mr. Cain, please know that will not translate into actual votes.
Herman Cain: [ he grins proudly ] I am aware!
Shepard Smith: Ron Paul.
Ron Paul: [ gawkishly ] Damn right!
Shepard Smith: You were, uh, painted into a corner last week when you were asked a very pointed hypothetical question about liberty. So let’s do that again!
Ron Paul: G-g-great!
Shepard Smith: Let’s pretend you are a representative of the federal government walking down the street. You see a house on fire. Do you act?
Ron Paul: [ shaking his head frantically ] Nooo!! That’s none of my business!
Shepard Smith: What if… the house is full of puppies? Puppies with their noses pressed against the glass. Do you act then?
Ron Paul: No! That is NOT my place!
Shepard Smith: What if… the puppies were making this noise: [ he moans like a helpless puppy ] And they’re all wearing bows. What would you do?
Ron Paul: I’d let the puppies BURN! I am a PURIST! The puppie should DIE!!
Shepard Smith: Well… Ron Paul, you stuck to your guns! Your weird, old guns!
Rick Perry: Uh, Shep? Shep, if I may, I’d like to, uh, attack Mitt Romney as a flip-flopper.
Shepard Smith: You sure? It’s late in the debate. This is when you normally get tired and confused.
Rick Perry: Not tonight! Yeah, I’m ready. [ he begins ] Mitt Romney’s city was for… uh… against… Obamacare… but what about… [ he yawns ] Mitt Romney? I mean… Mitt… Romneycare… Was it was before he was before…?
Shepard Smith: Uh-ohhhh…
Rick Perry: Was it was… [ he leans on his podium ] He was before… [ he leans closer to his podium ] Board of control! [ he slouches down on his podium and snores ]
Shepard Smith: And he’s asleep! That concludes tonight’s debate. As a reminder to Chris Christie: It’s wide open, buddy! Stay tuned for our next debate, which begins in five minutes and features questions from animals. I’m Shepard Smith, I’m a silly little rag doll, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiight!!”