Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 1
Alec Baldwin’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Alec Baldwin!
Alec Baldwin: Thank you! [ waving off the audience applause ] Thank you, thank you! Thank you very much. I’m Alec Baldwin, and I’m DELIGHTED to be hosting the season premiere of “Saturday Night Live”. This is my 16th time hosting! [ the audience cheers ] Which means that, tonight, I am passing Steve Martin, and setting a new record for the most times hosting “SNL”. Now, a lot of people make a big deal about the record. I don’t really care about that, it’s not a competition — because if it was, I’ve won! But, when you think about it, time is on my side. What is Steve — 100? So… no matter how many times he hosts, I’ll always have time to catch up. Steve and I, by the way, are friends. We were in “It’s Complicated” together, and, uh, when I hosted the Oscars — Steve was a big help. He’s very talented. Uh, what’s that thing he plays, the round guitar thing that Kermit the Frog plays? The BANJO! Yeah, the banjo, thank you.
But, you know, I’ve made so many memories over the years, and I’ve played so many characters… but the one sketch people always ask me about is Pete Schweddy and his famous Schweddy Balls! [ the audience cheers ] And now, Schweddy Balls is its own Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor. Now — true story, true story — there’s a family organization that is angry about the name, because they think it’s INAPPROPRIATE for the grocery store aisle. Well, if you don’t like Schweddy Balls, Ben & Jerry has a new ice cream flavor JUST for you — it’s called “Go Fudge Yourself!” [ the audience laughs] But — [ he looks offstage ] ohhhh!
Alec Baldwin: Oh, really? Oh, really? [ he stands back ]
Steve Martin: Welllll, aren’t we proud of ourselves?
Alec Baldwin: Steve, what are you doing here?
Steve Martin: Oh, I was just passing by the studio in full make-up… and I heard you were breaking my hosting record and, while I’m happy for you, I wanted to make sure you were doing it without the use of steroids or performance enhancing drugs.
Alec Baldwin: Well, that’s ridiculous! I’m hosting completely steroid-free!
Steve Martin: Well, then you won’t mind… [ he holds up a cup ] giving us a little sample.
Alec Baldwin: You expect me to do that in front of everyone?
Steve Martin: Of course not. Uh — people![ medical equipment is wheeled in ]
Alec Baldwin: Who are they?
Steve Martin: I brought along a medical team, AND an expert on drug use.[ Seth Rogen awkwardly steps on stage, to thunderous applause ]
Steve Martin: Thank you! [ to Baldwin ] Let’s get to it.
Alec Baldwin: Ohhhhh, Steve! You’re my nemesis!
Steve Martin: [ with sinister chuckling ] Oh-ho, Alec Baldwin! You don’t even know how to pronounce the word “nuh-me-sis”!
Alec Baldwin: Let’s get this over with![ Baldwin takes the cup and steps behind a curtain to pee ]
Steve Martin: I wonder if my being out here counts as a hosting? Could you check that for me?
Seth Rogen: Yeah, yeah… no problem, no problem. [ he punches it into his cellphone ] No… no, it doesn’t count. Sorry.
Steve Martin: Hmmmm… how many hits came up when you searched my name?
Seth Rogen: Oh, a lot! 108!
Steve Martin: Whoa-ho! Bingo![ Baldwin returns ]
Alec Baldwin: Here’s your sample, Doctor!
Seth Rogen: Thank you![ Rogen begins to analyZe the sample alongside the other doctors, but Steve grabs it from him ]
Steve Martin: Oh, that won’t be necessary. [ he sqigs the urine and swishes it around in his mouth ] Aniasin… a little B-12… but no steroids. [ he takes another swig ] Let’s see… a little linguine vongole…
Alec Baldwin: AMAZING!
Steve Martin: There’s another flavor there… [ he glances at Baldwin’s crotch ] Cialis for daily use.
Alec Baldwin: DAMN you, Steve!
Steve Martin: But… no perofrmance enhancing drugs. Baldwin, you’re doing it fair and square.
Alec Baldwin: Thank you, Steve! [ he extends his hand ]
Steve Martin: I don’t believe you washed that. [ Baldwin withdraws his hand ] But, my sincere congratulations.
Alec Baldwin: Are we good now?
Steve Martin: We are good.
Alec Baldwin: Then will you say it with me, my friend?
Steve Martin: I sure will, pal.
Alec Baldwin: We’ve got a great show for you tonight!
Steve Martin: Radiohead is here!
Seth Rogen: So stick around, we’ll be right back!