SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 09/24/11: Turner Classic Movies

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 1












11a: Alec Baldwin / Radiohead

Turner Classic Movies

Written by: Zach Kanin

Captain…..Alec Baldwin
Private…..Taran Killam
Thomas……Bobby Moynihan
Lieutenant…..Fred Armisen

[ open on TCM logo ]

Announcer: We now return to the 1956 classic “Angels in the Trenches.”

[ dissolve to scene: soldiers firing rifles in the trenches ] [ there’s an explosion, and the Captain’s down ]

Private: Captain! Are you alright?!

Captain: I’m shot! Oh, God, I think I’m dying!

Private: Captain, NO!

Captain: Oh, yes, it’s true! I’m not gonna make it, Private! Can you deliver a message for me?

Private: Of course, sir! Anything!

Captain: Tell my wife I love her.

Private: I will tell her on my honor.

Captain: And tell my son…

Private: Yes, Captain?

Captain: Tell my son… there’s no Santa Claus…

Private: Are, are you sure you want me to do that, sir?

Captain: Yes! You must! And explain to him how sex works!

Private: Um… maybe someone else should tell him this stuff.

Captain: I’m dying, Private… I can see the light…

Private: Okay! Okay, I’ll tell him! You rest easy, Captain.

Captain: One last thing.

Private: Yes.

Captain: Tell my son that a cripple isn’t a full human being.

Private: What?! Why?!

Captain: It is my final wish! Promise me!

Private: I promise.

Captain: And tell my wife’s sister I love her —

Private: Her sister?!

Captain: More than my wife. Make sure they BOTH know I love her more than my wife! Alright?

Private: Maybe I should get a pen and paper…

Captain: I’m so cold… so very cold.

Private: [ unbuttoning his jacket ] Here, Captain — take my jacket.

Captain: Tell my son that you killed me!

Private: Me?!

Captain: Please! I think it will give him some closure.

Private: Captain! Why would I kill you?

Captain: ‘Cause it’s my dying wish, Private.

[ an explosion, as Thomas is shot ]

Thomas: NOOOOO!!!! OH, I’vE BEEN HIT!! OH!!

[ the Private runs over ]

Thomas: Oh! Am I gonna make it?!

Private: It doesn’t look good.

Thomas: [ catching his breath ] Can you do something for me?

Private: Anything!

Thomas: Please… tell my wife that I’m working late!

Private: But — but you’re DYING!

Thomas: She’ll NEVER let me live this down!

[ an explosion, as the Lieutentant is shot ]

Lieutenant: Now I’M dying!

Private: One second! [ he rushes over ] LIEUTENANT!!

Lieutenant: [ catching his breath ] I want you to write a letter to my congressman.

Private: A letter?!

Lieutenant: Yes! Tell him there’s a pothole on Dumont Street. Tell him it’s so big, they should call it Dumont Crater instead of Dumont Street.

Private: Okay…

Captain: PRIVATE!! Back to me!

Private: [ rushing over ] What is it, Captain?

Captain: [ whipping out a leopard-print negligee ] I want you to put this on and dance around for me!

Private: I’m NOT gonna do that!

Captain: Okay, it was worth a shot! Listen — I want you to dress up like a doctor and tell my brother he’s got cancer. Trust me!

Private: [ outraged ] NO!!

Captain: It’ll be hilarious!

Thomas: PRIVATE SCOTT!!

Private: [ rushing over ] Yes, Thomas?

Thomas: [ catching his breath ] Tell your mother… she’s so fat she doesn’t have a lazy eye, she’s got a ribeye!

Private: [ confused ] My mother?!

Thomas: Yeah!

Lieutenant: And tell her she’s so fat… the zoning board called and said if she gains any more weight… she’s gonna have to install… a second butthole!

Private: Im’ not gonna tell her that!

Thomas: Please..! Tell your mother… [ he catches his breath ] that she is SO fat… [ he catches his breath ] That’s all! Just, please! Please tell her that she’s fat…

[ Thomas dies ]

Captain: PRIVATE SCOTT!!

[ Private rushes over ]

Captain: Tell your mother that she’s… [ he grity his teeth ]

Private: WHAT?! What, that she’s FAT?!

Captain: She’s… [ he grits his teeth and falls dead ]

Private: Captain! [ he looks around ] Okay… I’ll tell her. I’ll tell my mother she’s FAT!

[ the Private salutes, as the screen reads “The End” and fades ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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