Turner Classic Movies
Written by: Zach Kanin
Announcer: We now return to the 1956 classic “Angels in the Trenches.”[ dissolve to scene: soldiers firing rifles in the trenches ] [ there’s an explosion, and the Captain’s down ]
Private: Captain! Are you alright?!
Captain: I’m shot! Oh, God, I think I’m dying!
Private: Captain, NO!
Captain: Oh, yes, it’s true! I’m not gonna make it, Private! Can you deliver a message for me?
Private: Of course, sir! Anything!
Captain: Tell my wife I love her.
Private: I will tell her on my honor.
Captain: And tell my son…
Private: Yes, Captain?
Captain: Tell my son… there’s no Santa Claus…
Private: Are, are you sure you want me to do that, sir?
Captain: Yes! You must! And explain to him how sex works!
Private: Um… maybe someone else should tell him this stuff.
Captain: I’m dying, Private… I can see the light…
Private: Okay! Okay, I’ll tell him! You rest easy, Captain.
Captain: One last thing.
Captain: Tell my son that a cripple isn’t a full human being.
Private: What?! Why?!
Captain: It is my final wish! Promise me!
Private: I promise.
Captain: And tell my wife’s sister I love her —
Private: Her sister?!
Captain: More than my wife. Make sure they BOTH know I love her more than my wife! Alright?
Private: Maybe I should get a pen and paper…
Captain: I’m so cold… so very cold.
Private: [ unbuttoning his jacket ] Here, Captain — take my jacket.
Captain: Tell my son that you killed me!
Captain: Please! I think it will give him some closure.
Private: Captain! Why would I kill you?
Captain: ‘Cause it’s my dying wish, Private.[ an explosion, as Thomas is shot ]
Thomas: NOOOOO!!!! OH, I’vE BEEN HIT!! OH!![ the Private runs over ]
Thomas: Oh! Am I gonna make it?!
Private: It doesn’t look good.
Thomas: [ catching his breath ] Can you do something for me?
Thomas: Please… tell my wife that I’m working late!
Private: But — but you’re DYING!
Thomas: She’ll NEVER let me live this down![ an explosion, as the Lieutentant is shot ]
Lieutenant: Now I’M dying!
Private: One second! [ he rushes over ] LIEUTENANT!!
Lieutenant: [ catching his breath ] I want you to write a letter to my congressman.
Private: A letter?!
Lieutenant: Yes! Tell him there’s a pothole on Dumont Street. Tell him it’s so big, they should call it Dumont Crater instead of Dumont Street.
Captain: PRIVATE!! Back to me!
Private: [ rushing over ] What is it, Captain?
Captain: [ whipping out a leopard-print negligee ] I want you to put this on and dance around for me!
Private: I’m NOT gonna do that!
Captain: Okay, it was worth a shot! Listen — I want you to dress up like a doctor and tell my brother he’s got cancer. Trust me!
Private: [ outraged ] NO!!
Captain: It’ll be hilarious!
Thomas: PRIVATE SCOTT!!
Private: [ rushing over ] Yes, Thomas?
Thomas: [ catching his breath ] Tell your mother… she’s so fat she doesn’t have a lazy eye, she’s got a ribeye!
Private: [ confused ] My mother?!
Lieutenant: And tell her she’s so fat… the zoning board called and said if she gains any more weight… she’s gonna have to install… a second butthole!
Private: Im’ not gonna tell her that!
Thomas: Please..! Tell your mother… [ he catches his breath ] that she is SO fat… [ he catches his breath ] That’s all! Just, please! Please tell her that she’s fat…[ Thomas dies ]
Captain: PRIVATE SCOTT!![ Private rushes over ]
Captain: Tell your mother that she’s… [ he grity his teeth ]
Private: WHAT?! What, that she’s FAT?!
Captain: She’s… [ he grits his teeth and falls dead ]
Private: Captain! [ he looks around ] Okay… I’ll tell her. I’ll tell my mother she’s FAT![ the Private salutes, as the screen reads “The End” and fades ]