Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 1
Who’s On Top?
Vince Blake…..Bill Hader
Paul…..Alec Baldwin
Madeline…..Vanessa Bayer
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Announcer: And now, it’s time to play everyone’s favrotie game of strategy:
Audience: “Who’s! On! Top?!”
Announcer: And here’s your host — Vince Blake!
[ Vince Blake runs out ]
Vince Blake: Hello, everyone! Welcome to another edition of “Who’s On Top?” We’ve got three great contestants today. You folks ready to play?
Madeline: Yes!
Jason: You bet!
Paul: You know it, Vince!
Vince Blake: Alright, the rules are simple: As we all know, when two gay men have sex, one person is the top, and one is the bottom. We’ll show you two male celebrities, who — hypothetically — could have sex, and you decide Whooooooo’s On Top?
Jason: No. [ laughing ] No, no. No, thank you, I’m not playing this. [ to the other two contestants ] Good luck,nice meeting you. [ he exits ]
Vince Blake: Well, as usual, explaining the rules has cost us a contestant. Paul, Madeline, are you still ready to play?
Madeline: Sure!
Paul: One-hundred percent!
Vince Blake: It’s a simple game. for instance, if I saud Hannity & Colmes: Who’s On Top? The answer would be?
Paul & Madeline: Hannity!
Vince Blake: Obviously! Obviously. Alright, Paul, you’re up first, and here’s your question: We’ve rocked out to their songs for over THIRTY years; between them, they’ve sold almost 300 million albums; but if Billy Joel and Bruce Springsteen had sex, tell me: Whooooooo’s On Top?
Paul: Ohhhhhh… That’s an excellent question, let me think this through, uh… uh… The easy answer would be that Bruce is on top, because he’s the Boss. But it can’t be that simple. Physically speaking, Bruce is more muscular, but Joel’s a buldog…
Vince Blake: Ten more minutes.
Paul: Don’t rush me! Uh… let’s see, Billy Joel and Bruce Springsteen are both legends, but Bruce has always stayed humble and he takes pride in a hard day’ work, even if it ain’t pretty. Uh, BILLY JOEL’S on top!
[ ding! ]
Vince Blake: Correct!
Paul: Ahhh!
Vince Blake: Alright, Paul, you’re in the lead with $10,000! As always, I have to point out we here at “Who’s On Top?” are in NO WAY insinuating that ANYONE mentioned on this show is or has ever been gay, etc. etc. etc., blah blah blah blah! Alright! Madeline, you’re up! They are two of cinema’s favorite international stars, but if Roberto Benigni and Gerard Depardieu had sex… Whoooooooo’s On Top?
Madeline: Uh… shoot! I KNOW this! Okay. Well… Benigni’s a squirmer, so he would be hard to hold down. Um… but if anyone can do it, it’s Gerard. So… um… I’m gonna say GERARD DEPARDIEU’s on top!
[ buzz! ]
Vince Blake: Sorry, Madeline. You forgot Depardieu is French, and therefore a BOTTOM!
Madeline: [ throwing her hands in defeat ] Of course!
Vince Blake: Yes. Yes. Well, Paul, you’re back up. They delighted millions of children in “The Lion King”… but when Timon and Pumba have gay sex, Whooooooo’s On Top?
Paul: Oh, I was just thinking about this. Uh… Timon and Oumba, of course their motto was “Hakuna Matata, what a wonderful phrase, Hakuna Matata, ain’t no passing craze, it’s a problem-free philosophy, Hakuna Matata”… [ thinking ] There IS no top! They trade off positions evenly! It’s a circle of life!
[ ding! ]
Vince Blake: That is correct! That is correct! That’s great. Let’s pause now for a word from one of our sponsors. [ a beat ] What? Still no sponsors? I can’t blame them. Alright, let’s keep playing. Paul, you’re in the lead, so you move on to our Lightning Round. But don’t worry, Madeline isn’t leaving empty-handed — she’ll be going home with the “Who’s On Top?” Home Edition!
[ reveal home edition slide ]
Paul: Uh, Vince? I’d just like to say that when the show began, I thought it might be a reckless game of sexual gossip. Uh, but if you use your instincts about personality and status, you’ll see that these ARE the right answers.
Vince Blake: That’s right. It’s a SMART game! Let’s go to the Lightning Round.
[ Vince and paul step into the circle together ]
Vince Blake: Okay, Paul. In this round, I’m going to ask you to picture tow men having sex —
Paul: DONE!!
Vince Blake: Uh — let me finish! Of those two, you’ll try to guess as many TOPS as you can before tiem runs out. Alright? Annnd… GO! Mark Twain and Seth Green — Who’s On Top?
Paul: Oh, please! Mark Twain.
Vince Blake: Correct! Kimbo Slice, the old man from “Up” — Who’s On Top?
Paul: Surprisingly, the old man from “Up”.
Vince Blake: Correct! ’70’s Kenny Rogers, Kenny Rogers now — Who’s On Top?
Paul: Uh, I-I-I don’t want to picture that! Pass!
Vince Blake: Correct! Paul Giamatti —
Paul: The other guy!
Vince Blake: Correct! Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil — Who’s On Top?
Paul: Oprah Winfrey!
Vince Blake: Correct! Final question! Final question! The cast of “Entourage” — if they all had sex, put them in order from bottom to top!
Paul: Oh, crap! Okay… Turtle’s on the bottom… but now it gets trickly. Drama wouldn’t be next, he’s too proud —
Vince Blake: 45 minutes.
Paul: Uh… I got it! I got it! Uh — Turtle… E… Drama… Ari… Vinnie’s on top… while Scott Caan watches!
[ ding ding ding! ]
Vince Blake: You just won $600,000! You can walk away now, or LOSE IT ALL!
Paul: I WANT TO LOSE IT ALL!! [ electorni flushing sound effect ] What?!
Vince Blake: Well, too bad. That’s all for today! Stay tuned for the Gay Sex Elimination Show! Good night!
[ fade ]
