Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 1
Top Gun 25th Anniversary DVD
Voice of Director…..Paul Brittain
Tony Danza…..Fred Armisen
Al Pacino…..Alec Baldwin
Harvey Fierstein…..Bill Hader
Paula Abdul…..Nasim Pedrad
Alan Alda…..Bill Hader
Crispin Glover…..Andy Samberg
Tom Hanks…..Taran Killam
Sinbad…..Kenan Thompson
Mindy Cohn…..Bobby Moynihan
Prince…..Fred Armisen
Bobcat Goldthwait…..Taran Killam
[ open on “Top Gun” film footage ]
Announcer: 25 years ago, Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer took to the sky, to see who would become… “Top Gun”! And now, you can experience the high-flying action all over again, with the 25th Anniversary DVD of “Top Gun”! Including never-before seen screen tests!
[ cut to archive screen test footage ]
Director’s Voice: Tony Danza screen test.
Tony Danza: “I’m sorry, I can’t tell you that! It’s classy fries!”
Director’s Voice: No, it’s “classified.”
Tony Danza: Ohhhhhhh! I thought it was like classy fries, you know, like, curly fries.
[ cut to next audition ]
Director’s Voice: Al Pacino!
Al Pacino: “I got a need! I got a real need for speed! You got no i-dee-uh! Where am I at! …In regards to speed?”
[ cut to next audition ]
Director’s Voice: Harvey Fierstein.
Harvey Fierstein: [ confused ] This is not a gay film?
Director’s Voice: No.
Harvey Fierstein: But it says in the script that we play volleyball in jean shorts.
Director’s Voice: It’s not a gay film…
Harvey Fierstein: I say: “Iceman’s on my tail, he’s coming hard.” I literally said that to a bathroom attendant last night.
[ cut to next audition ]
Director’s Voice: Paula Abdul.
[ Paula does her “Straight Up” dance moves ]
Director’s Voice: No!
[ cut to next audition ]
Director’s Voice: Alan Alda.
Alan Alda: “Son… your ego’s writing checks your body can’t cash!” [ he smiles ] Oh, you know, that is a terrific line! I feel like I understand EVERYTHING about this movie! Just from the one line! That’s good writing! And I don’t know FUCK about airplanes!
[ cut to next audition ]
Director’s Voice: Crispin Glover.
Crispin Glover: [ with hands clenched ] “Get your damn hands off her… Iceman!”
Director’s Voice: Wow.
[ cut to next audition ]
Director’s Voice: Tom Hanks. Okay, and action!
Tom Hanks: “Re-quest-ing a fly-byyyy! Ghooooost! Ghoooooost!
[ cut to next audition ]
Director’s Voice: Sinbad, Take 35.
Sinbad: “MAN, you got to be out of your MIND to go upside-down like that! What you got, brain damage?!” [ he puts his helmet down and picks up a microphone ] And what’s with girls today, huh?! They don’t even wear bikinis any more! All they do is put on a little DENTAL FLOSS like this: [ he pulls on his pants at his ass ] “Oh! Where’s the beef? Somebody tell me where the beef is at!”
[ cut to next audition ]
Director’s Voice: Natalie, from “The Facts of Life”.
Mindy Cohn: “Hey, Goose! You big stud! Take me to bed, or lose me forever!” [ she giggles ]
[ cut to next audition ]
Director’s Voice: Prince. Take 1.
[ Prince hides behind aspotlight ]
Director’s Voice: Prince?
[ cut back to Al Pacino’s audition ]
Al Pacino: …And if I’m flying the plane, and all of a sudden a bird shits on the windshield — what happens then? What happens then? I’m over AFGHANISTAN! I’m dropping BOMBS on AFGHANISTAN, and a bird takes a GIANT shit on the windshield! What… do I do?
[ cut to next audition ]
Director’s Voice: Bobcat Goldthwait.
Bobcat Goldthwait: I’m Bobcat Goldthwait… and I’m waiting for the part of FROSTY THE SNOWMAN!!
Director’s Voice: No, it’s “Iceman.”
Bobcat Goldthwait: ICEMAN?! [ he screams ]
[ return to Harvey Fierstein’s audition ]
Harvey Fierstein: The last line in the movie is, uh, “You can ride my tail any time”? Guys! That’s, like, my mantra.
[ cut to “Top Gun” product footage ]
Announcer: Own it today!
[ fade ]
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