SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 10/01/11: Arlene

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts:

  Season 37: Episode 2:

11b: Melissa McCarthy / Lady Antebellum


Arlene….Melissa McCarthy
Tim….Jason Sudeikis
Kyle….Bill Hader
Delivery guy….Jay Pharoah
Co-worker….Kenan Thompson

[Office building] [Cut to inside an office. A handsome guy walks into the office]

Tim: Morning guys. How are you doing?

[Arlene at her desk, is a frumpy, feisty, overweight gal with glasses]

Arlene: Hey, hey good morning Tim. Hey….

Tim: [sits] How are you doing Arlene? How is it going?

Arlene: [flirty] I tell you this. It’s getting better now, Tim. It’s getting a lot better now.

Tim: If you say so. All right. [Arlene slides her chair next to Tim bumping him] Good morning.

Arlene: Hey, good morning. Is good now.[horny as hell] You know, I made a pretty intensely hot pot of coffee that I wanted to know if you wanted to get into with me, make it my body, just hot and sweaty and then that coffee…you like your coffee pretty hot ? You like that? Yeah? You like it hot Tim?

Tim: [embarrassed] No. Not really Arlene. Thank you.

[Kyle is a nerdy guy with a ponytail]

Kyle: I like my coffee hot, Arlene.

Arlene: Shut up, Kyle! Just shut up. Hey, Tim?

Tim: Yeah?

Arlene: Somebody left a personalized “I love u” mug on my desk last night. You have any idea who might have left ….[extremely close to Tim] who left that mug…who left that mug all up on my desk?

[Arlene rubs her titties with Tim’s tie]

Tim: Place of business, place of business, Arlene. I know it wasn’t me. I know that, I know that.

Arlene: Ok. [Arlene goes back to her desk, slides her chair] He does protest too much, he does protest too much! You know who said that? “He does protest too much”

Tim: Yeah, it was Hamlet.

Arlene: Wrong! Shakespeare….Shakespeare.

[Delivery guy brings colored helium balloons and a balloon pony]

Delivery guy: Got some balloons for Arlene?

Arlene: Oh, man! That’s me. Thanks, man. You know what Tim? [slides next to Tim with the balloons and pony in her hands] I gotta tell you, I like that when you see something you like, that you just go after it. Say, I like that.[feels her body up, including her crotch]

Tim: Come on, come on! If I do that I’d be in so much trouble.

Arlene:[all over Tim] Not with me. You’d get in trouble but with your pants off.

Tim: Arlene, I appreciate…

Arlene: Hey, wait a minute! Tim? Is this you? [looking into the balloon pony’s genitals] Are you my Italian stallion?

Tim: I’m not, I’m not Arlene, I’m not….[Arlene blows into the balloon pony’s dick]

Arlene: You like that? You like a quiet whisper?

Tim: My ears should be up there. I wouldn’t be able to hear that down there. No, I’m not even Italian. I’m actually Polish and Ukrainian.

Arlene: You know what? I like that mix. I like that mix. Kind of two messed up countries. I like that, man. I gotta call, I gotta call all my sexual partners. [grabs Tim’s phone, dials] Boop, boop, boop, boop[presses her boobs]

Tim: Use your own phone. You don’t have to make the noises!

Arlene: Yes you do, man! You do when it’s like that. Bro, you got competition cause this guy is game on. [hangs up]

Co-worker: Arlene, could you keep it down, please? We’re working here.

Arlene: Yeah, I’m working. I’m working on the lady boner that this one here put in my pants.

Tim: Come on.

Arlene: You put it there, you put it there. [kisses Tim’s shoulder, sniffs him]

Tim: Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! Please, come on Arlene! Ok?

Arlene: Tim, I’m gonna say this and I want you to get it. When you have this.[slaps her chest] Just open up. I like it, I’m into it, and I want you to just go.

Tim: No, Arlene….

Arlene: Just do it, just do it.

Tim: I’m happily married.[shows ring] I have kids, ok?

Arlene:[makes like throwing away the ring] Whoosh!

Tim: No. It’s still there. Ok, look. [slaps balloon pony away]Ok,look, there’s nothing going on between us. Never has been, never will be.

Arlene: Ok, I think you’re wrong but I don’t want to make things weird. So, I just want to back off a minute, let you think about it.[back to her desk, points to the ceiling] Hey, what is that? Oh my God! What is that?

Tim: What is what?

[seductive electronic music, Arlene dances lasciviously next to Tim, she takes the ribbon and rubs it back and forth between her legs, she humps the balloon pony , rides the pony, slaps her ass, puts Tim’s hands on her ass]

Tim: [mortified] No, I’m not doing that! I’m not doing that! Stop it! I can’t do that! Please, please—don’t—we can’t do this anymore—stop it!

[Arlene kisses the balloon pony deep in the mouth, licks him]

Tim: Arlene, stop! Please, Arlene you gotta stop. No, no—do not.[takes the balloon pony away and the balloons and turns off the music] Ok Arlene, nothing is gonna happen between us, ok? Nothing.

Arlene: Sorry, I’m sorry. Now I’m embarrassed. I sent all these things to myself. Please don’t look at me. [pops the balloons with her fists, puts them under her shirt] Stop looking at me! Stop looking! Stop looking at me!

Tim: Ok, just–you don’t have to put them there.

[Arlene puts more balloons under her shirt and pops them, one balloon doesn’t pop and she throws herself violently against her desk popping it loud]

Tim: Don’t—I hope that was a balloon, I hope that was a balloon. Ok.

Arlene: Sorry.

Tim: It’s ok.

[Delivery guy enters again]

Delivery guy: Arlene, looks like you got some flowers too. [gives her a bunch flowers]

Tim: Arlene? Seriously, flowers? That’s really sad, that’s really sad.

Arlene: No, man. I sent the other stuff to myself, yeah, but I didn’t do this, I promise I didn’t—

Kyle: I sent them to you.

Arlene: Kyle? Why?

Kyle: I want to be with you Arlene.

Arlene: You–you—you are totally out of my league. That’s the only reason I went for Tim.

Tim: What the hell is that suppose to mean?

Arlene: Tim, shut up. Kyle, you’re like a model, man.

Kyle: A ponytail model. Is not a big deal.

Arlene: It is a big deal.

Kyle: I always loved you, Arlene.

Arlene: I don’t know what to say.

Kyle: [points] Hey, what’s that?

Arlene: I don’t see….

[ seductive electronic music plays, Kyle and Arlene dance with lust, Arlene clears Tim’s desk and Kyle humps her with gusto]

Tim: You broke my phone again.

Arlene: Yeah! Yeah!

[cut to outside the office] [cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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