SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 10/01/11: Arlene


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts:

  Season 37: Episode 2:

11b: Melissa McCarthy / Lady Antebellum


Arlene….Melissa McCarthy
Tim….Jason Sudeikis
Kyle….Bill Hader
Delivery guy….Jay Pharoah
Co-worker….Kenan Thompson

[Office building] [Cut to inside an office. A handsome guy walks into the office]

Tim: Morning guys. How are you doing?

[Arlene at her desk, is a frumpy, feisty, overweight gal with glasses]

Arlene: Hey, hey good morning Tim. Hey….

Tim: [sits] How are you doing Arlene? How is it going?

Arlene: [flirty] I tell you this. It’s getting better now, Tim. It’s getting a lot better now.

Tim: If you say so. All right. [Arlene slides her chair next to Tim bumping him] Good morning.

Arlene: Hey, good morning. Is good now.[horny as hell] You know, I made a pretty intensely hot pot of coffee that I wanted to know if you wanted to get into with me, make it my body, just hot and sweaty and then that coffee…you like your coffee pretty hot ? You like that? Yeah? You like it hot Tim?

Tim: [embarrassed] No. Not really Arlene. Thank you.

[Kyle is a nerdy guy with a ponytail]

Kyle: I like my coffee hot, Arlene.

Arlene: Shut up, Kyle! Just shut up. Hey, Tim?

Tim: Yeah?

Arlene: Somebody left a personalized “I love u” mug on my desk last night. You have any idea who might have left ….[extremely close to Tim] who left that mug…who left that mug all up on my desk?

[Arlene rubs her titties with Tim’s tie]

Tim: Place of business, place of business, Arlene. I know it wasn’t me. I know that, I know that.

Arlene: Ok. [Arlene goes back to her desk, slides her chair] He does protest too much, he does protest too much! You know who said that? “He does protest too much”

Tim: Yeah, it was Hamlet.

Arlene: Wrong! Shakespeare….Shakespeare.

[Delivery guy brings colored helium balloons and a balloon pony]

Delivery guy: Got some balloons for Arlene?

Arlene: Oh, man! That’s me. Thanks, man. You know what Tim? [slides next to Tim with the balloons and pony in her hands] I gotta tell you, I like that when you see something you like, that you just go after it. Say, I like that.[feels her body up, including her crotch]

Tim: Come on, come on! If I do that I’d be in so much trouble.

Arlene:[all over Tim] Not with me. You’d get in trouble but with your pants off.

Tim: Arlene, I appreciate…

Arlene: Hey, wait a minute! Tim? Is this you? [looking into the balloon pony’s genitals] Are you my Italian stallion?

Tim: I’m not, I’m not Arlene, I’m not….[Arlene blows into the balloon pony’s dick]

Arlene: You like that? You like a quiet whisper?

Tim: My ears should be up there. I wouldn’t be able to hear that down there. No, I’m not even Italian. I’m actually Polish and Ukrainian.

Arlene: You know what? I like that mix. I like that mix. Kind of two messed up countries. I like that, man. I gotta call, I gotta call all my sexual partners. [grabs Tim’s phone, dials] Boop, boop, boop, boop[presses her boobs]

Tim: Use your own phone. You don’t have to make the noises!

Arlene: Yes you do, man! You do when it’s like that. Bro, you got competition cause this guy is game on. [hangs up]

Co-worker: Arlene, could you keep it down, please? We’re working here.

Arlene: Yeah, I’m working. I’m working on the lady boner that this one here put in my pants.

Tim: Come on.

Arlene: You put it there, you put it there. [kisses Tim’s shoulder, sniffs him]

Tim: Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! Please, come on Arlene! Ok?

Arlene: Tim, I’m gonna say this and I want you to get it. When you have this.[slaps her chest] Just open up. I like it, I’m into it, and I want you to just go.

Tim: No, Arlene….

Arlene: Just do it, just do it.

Tim: I’m happily married.[shows ring] I have kids, ok?

Arlene:[makes like throwing away the ring] Whoosh!

Tim: No. It’s still there. Ok, look. [slaps balloon pony away]Ok,look, there’s nothing going on between us. Never has been, never will be.

Arlene: Ok, I think you’re wrong but I don’t want to make things weird. So, I just want to back off a minute, let you think about it.[back to her desk, points to the ceiling] Hey, what is that? Oh my God! What is that?

Tim: What is what?

[seductive electronic music, Arlene dances lasciviously next to Tim, she takes the ribbon and rubs it back and forth between her legs, she humps the balloon pony , rides the pony, slaps her ass, puts Tim’s hands on her ass]

Tim: [mortified] No, I’m not doing that! I’m not doing that! Stop it! I can’t do that! Please, please—don’t—we can’t do this anymore—stop it!

[Arlene kisses the balloon pony deep in the mouth, licks him]

Tim: Arlene, stop! Please, Arlene you gotta stop. No, no—do not.[takes the balloon pony away and the balloons and turns off the music] Ok Arlene, nothing is gonna happen between us, ok? Nothing.

Arlene: Sorry, I’m sorry. Now I’m embarrassed. I sent all these things to myself. Please don’t look at me. [pops the balloons with her fists, puts them under her shirt] Stop looking at me! Stop looking! Stop looking at me!

Tim: Ok, just–you don’t have to put them there.

[Arlene puts more balloons under her shirt and pops them, one balloon doesn’t pop and she throws herself violently against her desk popping it loud]

Tim: Don’t—I hope that was a balloon, I hope that was a balloon. Ok.

Arlene: Sorry.

Tim: It’s ok.

[Delivery guy enters again]

Delivery guy: Arlene, looks like you got some flowers too. [gives her a bunch flowers]

Tim: Arlene? Seriously, flowers? That’s really sad, that’s really sad.

Arlene: No, man. I sent the other stuff to myself, yeah, but I didn’t do this, I promise I didn’t—

Kyle: I sent them to you.

Arlene: Kyle? Why?

Kyle: I want to be with you Arlene.

Arlene: You–you—you are totally out of my league. That’s the only reason I went for Tim.

Tim: What the hell is that suppose to mean?

Arlene: Tim, shut up. Kyle, you’re like a model, man.

Kyle: A ponytail model. Is not a big deal.

Arlene: It is a big deal.

Kyle: I always loved you, Arlene.

Arlene: I don’t know what to say.

Kyle: [points] Hey, what’s that?

Arlene: I don’t see….

[ seductive electronic music plays, Kyle and Arlene dance with lust, Arlene clears Tim’s desk and Kyle humps her with gusto]

Tim: You broke my phone again.

Arlene: Yeah! Yeah!

[cut to outside the office] [cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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