SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 10/01/11: Past Bedtime

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 2

11b: Melissa McCarthy / Lady Antebellum

Past Bedtime

Daughter…..Vanessa Bayer
Large Friend…..Melissa McCarthy
Skinny Friend…..Kristen Wiig
Father…..Jason Sudeikis
John Lithgow…..Taran Killam

[ FADE IN ]

[ EXT. HOUSE – NIGHT – ESTABLISHING SHOT ]

[ INT. GIRL’S BEDROOM ]

[ CLASSIC ROCK PLAYS ON THE BOOMBOX ]

[ A GIRL and her two friends rock out to the tunes. The LARGE FRIEND gyrates on the bed while the SKINNY FRIEND dances goofy. ]

Father (O/S): Girls… Girls!? What’s going on up there!?

[ The girls turn off the MUSIC and plop themselves on the large bed, pretending to sleep. The father ENTERS. ]

Father: Oh! You’re all asleep. I could have sworn I heard music… Oh well, gotta pick out my pants tomorrow. Leaning towards kh-ahki.

[ The father shuts the door. The girls rise from the bed, giving muffled giggles. The daughter turns on the boombox blasting CLASSIC ROCK and they all begin dancing again. ]

Father (O/S): Girls… Girls!

[ The girls turn off the MUSIC and plop themselves on the large bed, pretending to sleep. The father enters. The girls are lying in different positions.]

Father: Am I going crazy? I know I heard music! Well, time to take my vitamins. Let me tell you – the day you start taking vitamins, you know you’re one foot in the grave already!

[ The father shuts the door. The girls rise from the bed, giving muffled giggles. The daughter turns on the boombox blasting CLASSIC ROCK and they all begin dancing again. ]

Father (O/S): Girls… Girls!

[ The girls turn off the MUSIC and plop themselves on the large bed, pretending to sleep. The father enters. ]

Father: Girls, wake up! I know for sure I heard music from this room!

[ The daughter feigns waking up. ]

Daughter: Dad, we we’re sleeping! A couple of chipmunks from outside, came in from the open window, and jumped on the boombox!

Father: Chipmunk, huh?

Large Friend: It’s true.

Skinny Friend: We all saw it!

Daughter: Can we go back to bed, Dad?

Father: Sure, sweetie. You girls get a good night, sleep. Right now, I’m a pill short & a dollar late… What a minute – that doesn’t even make sense!

[ The father shuts the door. The girls rise from the bed, giving muffled giggles. The daughter turns on the boombox blasting CLASSIC ROCK and they all begin dancing again. ]

Father (O/S): What’s that noise!?!?

[ The girls turn off the MUSIC and plop themselves on the large bed, pretending to sleep. The father enters. ]

Father: Uh-huh… Calcium… that’s the one I needed to take!

[ The father shuts the door. The girls rise from the bed, giving muffled giggles. The daughter turns on the boombox blasting CLASSIC ROCK and they all begin dancing again. The father storms in and turns the boombox OFF.]

Father: A-HA! I KNEW IT! You girls lied to me! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!

Daughter: Daddy, it’s no big deal! We’re just dancing!

Large Friend: Can’t we just have some fun?

Skinny Friend: What’s the problem with that?

Father: Uh-uh, no way! You girls willfully lied to me! You are never to dance AGAIN!

[ The lights fade out and JOHN LITHGOW ENTERS. ]

John Lithgow: Good evening. I’m John Lithgow. The following skit which you just saw was not intended for comedic purposes but to illustrate a true-life situation which occurred, later becoming the basis for the movie “Footloose”. You know, as 27 years have passed since that film was made, many of the themes still hold true today. More so, their importance could warrant a remake of the film for today’s generation.

[ Lithgow glances OFF-CAMERA. ]

John Lithgow: What!? They’ve remade “Footloose”!?!?Well, when’s it coming out…? October 14th!?!?!!? Who did they get for Rev. Moore…? DENNIS QUAID!!! THEY GOT QUAID!!! QUAID!!!!! I can’t take this anymore! Girls, put on the music, I THINK WE NEED TO DANCE!

[ The daughter puts on “Footloose” by Kenny Loggins. All the girls start dancing around Lithgow. He gently pushes them away after awhile.]

John Lithgow: Girls, please! I’m better doing this on my own!

[ The girls step aside as Lithgow mimics Kevin Bacon’s famous two-step routine from the film. ]

[ EXT. HOUSE – NIGHT – ESTABLISHING SHOT ]

[ end ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

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