Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 2
The Comments Section
Matthew Knox…..Bobby Moynihan
Mrs. Heffernan…..Nasim Pedrad
Carl Durbin…..Taran Killam
Jennifer Evans…..Melissa McCarthy
[ open on talk show set ]
Jeff: Hello. And welcome to “The Comments Section”, the show that takes a closer look at what people write below articles and videos on the Internet. Today we welcome some of the most prolific commenters on the Web. They’ve been posting anonymously for years, but today we get to see the people behind the comments. Our first guest is Matthew Knox, better known by his Internet handle “XXXDeathbyFartsXXX”.
Matthew Knox: [ blowing fart sound with his mouth ] Great to be here?
Jeff: [ chuckling ] There’s that snark! Now, uh, some of your comments may be construed as a bit negative. For example: Under a clip of a ten-year old girl singing “The Star Spangled Banner”, you wrote: “Epic fail haha you loser u r fat”.
Matthew Knox: [ he laughs reflectively ] Yeah!
Jeff: And, also, under a video of a horse rescuing its owner from a fire, you wrote: “Mad gay yo”. What was gay about that?
Matthew Knox: [ shifting his eyes ] Uh, I don’t know — the horse? [ he laughs ]
Jeff: Okay. Then, last night, you went after this elderly woman. We have a clip.[ reveal clip of elderly woman dancing ]
Jeff: Now, she was dancing at her grandson’s birthday party, and you wrote: “Dumb ass old lady! Haha, her hat fell off. Kill yourself”.
Matthew Knox: Hey — I just calls ’em like I sees ’em!
Jeff: mmm-hmm. That, and there’s no consequences because you’ll never meet any of these people.
Matthew Knox: [ he nods ] Exactly! [ he laughs ]
Jeff: Well, we’ve got that old lady here with us today.
Matthew Knox: [ surprised ] What?
Matthew Knox: No!
Jeff: Yeah, yeah, yeah we do. Uh, Mrs. Heffernan? You want to come out here and shame him? Here’s Mr.s Heffernan.
Mrs. Heffernan: [ entering ] Thanks, Jeff.
Jeff: You’re welcome.
Mrs. Heffernan: [ leaning over Matthew ] So you think I’m a dumbass?
Matthew Knox: No… No, no — you’re totally nice!
Mrs. Heffernan: You think my teeth are bad, that I should kill myself?
Matthew Knox: No… no, you should keep living.
Mrs. Heffernan: Yeah. Here’s my comment: I think you’re ROTTEN! [ she ambles away ]
Jeff: [ giggling to himself ] Our next guest is Carl Durbin, or as he’s known online: “Ultimatestud2Good2Btru”
Carl Durbin: [ nervous ] Actually… can I leave?
Jeff: Mmm… no. No, stay put. Now, Carl, sometimes you comment on other people’s comments, right?
Carl Durbin: Yeah, that’s right. Sometimes I don’t even look at the source material… I just wait for someone to make a sincere point, and then I’ll write something like, “Learn to spell, dweeb!” Or “YOU SUCK BIG ONES!” in all caps!
Jeff: Hmm-hmm. Right. But most of the time you just write the word “Boobz.”
Carl Durbin: [ laughing ] Yeah! That’s my thing!
Jeff: Mmm-hmm. Actually, we have a list of things you wrote “Boobz” under. We have a photo of Margaret Thatcher… a woman interviewing another woman about a robbery… and we have a song by Miss Piggy.[ Carl cannot stop laughing at his efforts ]
Jeff: So, now, how do you decide how many O’s to put in “Boobz”?
Carl Durbin: It — it’s the size.
Jeff: Mmm-hmm. The size? It’s the size?
Carl Durbin: Of the boobz.
Jeff: No, I get that… I get that. And, uh, what does your girlfriend this about all this?
Carl Durbin: [ stunned ] Oh, I don’t have a girlfriend.
Jeff: Yeah, I know. I was kidding! [ he laughs ] Our final guest is Jennifer Evans, AKA DaTruf! [ mocking ] DaTruf. Now, Jennifer, your comments focus mostly on promoting your political agenda, correct? Uh, for example, under a video of a bear falling out of a tree onto a trampoilne, you wrote: “Obama is our first Nigerian President!”
Jennifer Evans: Yeah! I did. Yeah.
Jeff: And under a clip of a bride tripping and falling into her own wedding cake, you wrote: “No more illegals. Illegals SUUUUUCK”!
Jennifer Evans: [ annoyed ] Yeah, Jeff, that’s what I said!
Jeff: Alright, let’s see… Under a video tribute to the late Gene Siskel, you wrote: “9/11 is inside job”.
Jennifer Evans: Yeah. Yeah. I sure did.
Jeff: Yeah. What exactly are your political views?
Jennifer Evans: Uh — they’re correct! Uh, or I wouldn’t have said them! But they were correct! God!
Jeff: Alright, but why put them all over the Internet?
Jennifer Evans: Well, I’m a lawyer by day, but I feel very constricted at work. The Comments section is a nice outlet for my emotions.
Jeff: Mmm-hmm. Okay, I see. And are you really a lawyer?
Jennifer Evans: No, I am not.
Jeff: No, I knew! So, at this point in the show, gang, we’re just gonna have someone come out here and punch all of you in the gut. Is that okay?[ they all nod ]
Carl Durbin: [ standing ] Yeah, I don’t like myself…[ Tommy rushes out ]
Tommy: Yeah, alright! how you doing? I’m Tommy! Hey, hey! [ he punches Matthew in the gut ] Hey, how you doing? Tommy! [ he punches Carl in the gut ] Hey, how you doing? Whoa, hey, I can’t hit a woman. Um…
Jeff: Well… she called Garfield the N-word.
Tommy: Hey, alright! [ he punches Jennifer in the gut ] BOOM!! [ he elbows her in the back ] Whoa! Hey, alright, I’m gonna go!
Jeff: [ laughing ] Well, that’s the whole show! Bye bye![ fade ]