SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 10/01/11: Complaints


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 2

11b: Melissa McCarthy / Lady Antebellum


Bartender…..Paul Brittain
Don…..Andy Samberg
Lana…..Melissa McCarthy
Tracy…..Vanessa Bayer
Kelly…..Nasim Pedrad
Deb…..Kristen Wiig
Mailman…..Kenan Thompson
Bill…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, The Tap ] [ dissolve to interior, Lana sitting at the bar nursing a drink as Don enters behind her ]

Don: [ to the bartender ] I’ll take an “Entourage” Tequila — neat.

Bartender: Right away, sir.

[ Don sits next to Lana ]

Don: Hey, there. My name’s Don. You look lovely tonight.

Lana: Oh. Thank you very much, but I’m sure you say that to all the girls.

Don: I’m not gonna lie to you — I’ve been with many, many women.

Lana: You must be a very skilled lover.

Don: Let’s just say I’ve never had any complaints.

[ Tracy leans forward ]

Tracy: Hey, Don!

Don: What’s up, Tracy?

Lana: I’m glad I found you. I just wanted to float an official complaint at you about our lovemaking the other night.

Don: [ nervous ] Ah ha?

Tracy: Yeah, I just found it to be really bad! You were kind of all over the place, and you seemed really scared —

Don: Sounds right…

Tracy: Also, the noises you were making?

Don: Yeah.

Tracy: Ugh! They were like sobs and yelps, like a sick dog —

Don: Right, right…

Tracy: So, anyway, just wanted to officially complain about you and the way you have sex.

Don: Right on!

Tracy: Okay, good, good.

[ Tracy steps away ] [ Don turns back to Lana ]

Don: So where were we?

Lana: You were saying you don’t get a lot of complaints.

Don: Well, that was the first… and I’m sure it will be the last.

[ Kelly leans forward ]

Kelly: Hey, Don!

Don: What’s up, Kelly?

Kelly: Hey! Uh — a couple of complaints about your lovemaking.

Don: Shoot!

Kelly: One: Tiny penis.

Don: Dig it.

Kelly: Two: You kept calling me “Dog the Bounty Hunter”.

Don: American icon. Yeah.

Kelly: And, lastly: I smelled like vinegar for, like, a year afterwards.

Don: I bathe in it for medical reasons. Yeah.

[ Kelly runs off ]

Don: [ to Lana ] So, before we get out of here, I’d love to buy you a drink.

Lana: Well… it’s a nice offer, but I already have one.

Don: Play coy if you want, but this… is… on!

[ Deb leans forward ]

Deb: Hey, Don?

Don: What’s up, Deb?

Deb: Uh — super dinky weiner.

Don: Yeah, that’s a repeat, yeah.

Deb: It looks like a shriveled eggplant.

Don: The doc says that’s normal.

Deb: It’s not, it’s not.

Don: Okay.

Deb: And, also, I would lose the shirtless Mario Lopez poster in your bedroom.

Don: Hmm. He’s an underrated deuce man.

Deb: You’re a pathetic man-child, ill-equipped to satisfy a woman.

Don: Deb… you get me.

[ Deb steps away ]

Bartender: Here’s your drink, sir. And, also, I’ve got some messages for you. [ reading ] Uh — Karen called, she says your butt looks like Ebenezer Scrooge.

Don: Can’t disagree.

Bartender: And Lucy called and said because of you, she’s turning gay… amd her dog is pregnant.

Don: I don’t do condoms!

[ Mailman step forward ]

Mailman: Hey, Don, I got your complaint mail here.

Don: Oh, lay it on me!

[ the Mailman lifts a huge sack onto the bar counter ]

Lana: Wow. That’s a lot of complaints.

Mailman: Oh, yes it is! [ he chuckles, then stares Don down before leaving ]

Don: [ to Lana ] So, uh — is this gonna happen, or should I hit the can?

Lana: Look, Don — you seem like a terrible guy.

Don: Toast. Yeah.

Lana: But I’m feeling adventurous, so I’m gonna throw caution to the wind and get involved with you in a way that… is pretty major.

Don: I was not expecting that.

Lana: A couple of facts about me: I only make love to the soundtrack to the musical “Rent” —

Don: I’m listening.

Lana: I’m a scremer, but not the kind you’re thinking.

Don: Bird calls?

Lana: I stand corrected. [ she demonstrates a screeching bird call ] And, lastly: My lifelong nickname is “Skidmarks”, but… I’ve never owned a car.

Don: Hmm. Well, it sounds to me like you’d be any man’s drea.

Lana: [ she laughs ] Well, let’s just say I’ve never had any complaints!

[ Bill leans forward ]

Bill: Heyyy, Lana? I have a few complaints…

Lana: Not now! Not now! [ she pulls out a taser and zaps him in the neck ] [ Lana and Don toast their glasses ]

Lana & Don: To our terrible lovemaking!

[ cut to exterior, The Tap ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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