SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 10/01/11: Complaints

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 2

11b: Melissa McCarthy / Lady Antebellum


Bartender…..Paul Brittain
Don…..Andy Samberg
Lana…..Melissa McCarthy
Tracy…..Vanessa Bayer
Kelly…..Nasim Pedrad
Deb…..Kristen Wiig
Mailman…..Kenan Thompson
Bill…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, The Tap ] [ dissolve to interior, Lana sitting at the bar nursing a drink as Don enters behind her ]

Don: [ to the bartender ] I’ll take an “Entourage” Tequila — neat.

Bartender: Right away, sir.

[ Don sits next to Lana ]

Don: Hey, there. My name’s Don. You look lovely tonight.

Lana: Oh. Thank you very much, but I’m sure you say that to all the girls.

Don: I’m not gonna lie to you — I’ve been with many, many women.

Lana: You must be a very skilled lover.

Don: Let’s just say I’ve never had any complaints.

[ Tracy leans forward ]

Tracy: Hey, Don!

Don: What’s up, Tracy?

Lana: I’m glad I found you. I just wanted to float an official complaint at you about our lovemaking the other night.

Don: [ nervous ] Ah ha?

Tracy: Yeah, I just found it to be really bad! You were kind of all over the place, and you seemed really scared —

Don: Sounds right…

Tracy: Also, the noises you were making?

Don: Yeah.

Tracy: Ugh! They were like sobs and yelps, like a sick dog —

Don: Right, right…

Tracy: So, anyway, just wanted to officially complain about you and the way you have sex.

Don: Right on!

Tracy: Okay, good, good.

[ Tracy steps away ] [ Don turns back to Lana ]

Don: So where were we?

Lana: You were saying you don’t get a lot of complaints.

Don: Well, that was the first… and I’m sure it will be the last.

[ Kelly leans forward ]

Kelly: Hey, Don!

Don: What’s up, Kelly?

Kelly: Hey! Uh — a couple of complaints about your lovemaking.

Don: Shoot!

Kelly: One: Tiny penis.

Don: Dig it.

Kelly: Two: You kept calling me “Dog the Bounty Hunter”.

Don: American icon. Yeah.

Kelly: And, lastly: I smelled like vinegar for, like, a year afterwards.

Don: I bathe in it for medical reasons. Yeah.

[ Kelly runs off ]

Don: [ to Lana ] So, before we get out of here, I’d love to buy you a drink.

Lana: Well… it’s a nice offer, but I already have one.

Don: Play coy if you want, but this… is… on!

[ Deb leans forward ]

Deb: Hey, Don?

Don: What’s up, Deb?

Deb: Uh — super dinky weiner.

Don: Yeah, that’s a repeat, yeah.

Deb: It looks like a shriveled eggplant.

Don: The doc says that’s normal.

Deb: It’s not, it’s not.

Don: Okay.

Deb: And, also, I would lose the shirtless Mario Lopez poster in your bedroom.

Don: Hmm. He’s an underrated deuce man.

Deb: You’re a pathetic man-child, ill-equipped to satisfy a woman.

Don: Deb… you get me.

[ Deb steps away ]

Bartender: Here’s your drink, sir. And, also, I’ve got some messages for you. [ reading ] Uh — Karen called, she says your butt looks like Ebenezer Scrooge.

Don: Can’t disagree.

Bartender: And Lucy called and said because of you, she’s turning gay… amd her dog is pregnant.

Don: I don’t do condoms!

[ Mailman step forward ]

Mailman: Hey, Don, I got your complaint mail here.

Don: Oh, lay it on me!

[ the Mailman lifts a huge sack onto the bar counter ]

Lana: Wow. That’s a lot of complaints.

Mailman: Oh, yes it is! [ he chuckles, then stares Don down before leaving ]

Don: [ to Lana ] So, uh — is this gonna happen, or should I hit the can?

Lana: Look, Don — you seem like a terrible guy.

Don: Toast. Yeah.

Lana: But I’m feeling adventurous, so I’m gonna throw caution to the wind and get involved with you in a way that… is pretty major.

Don: I was not expecting that.

Lana: A couple of facts about me: I only make love to the soundtrack to the musical “Rent” —

Don: I’m listening.

Lana: I’m a scremer, but not the kind you’re thinking.

Don: Bird calls?

Lana: I stand corrected. [ she demonstrates a screeching bird call ] And, lastly: My lifelong nickname is “Skidmarks”, but… I’ve never owned a car.

Don: Hmm. Well, it sounds to me like you’d be any man’s drea.

Lana: [ she laughs ] Well, let’s just say I’ve never had any complaints!

[ Bill leans forward ]

Bill: Heyyy, Lana? I have a few complaints…

Lana: Not now! Not now! [ she pulls out a taser and zaps him in the neck ] [ Lana and Don toast their glasses ]

Lana & Don: To our terrible lovemaking!

[ cut to exterior, The Tap ] [ fade ]

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