Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 2
[ open on exterior, The Tap ]
[ dissolve to interior, Lana sitting at the bar nursing a drink as Don enters behind her ]
Don: [ to the bartender ] I’ll take an “Entourage” Tequila — neat.
Bartender: Right away, sir.
[ Don sits next to Lana ]
Don: Hey, there. My name’s Don. You look lovely tonight.
Lana: Oh. Thank you very much, but I’m sure you say that to all the girls.
Don: I’m not gonna lie to you — I’ve been with many, many women.
Lana: You must be a very skilled lover.
Don: Let’s just say I’ve never had any complaints.
[ Tracy leans forward ]
Tracy: Hey, Don!
Don: What’s up, Tracy?
Lana: I’m glad I found you. I just wanted to float an official complaint at you about our lovemaking the other night.
Don: [ nervous ] Ah ha?
Tracy: Yeah, I just found it to be really bad! You were kind of all over the place, and you seemed really scared —
Don: Sounds right…
Tracy: Also, the noises you were making?
Tracy: Ugh! They were like sobs and yelps, like a sick dog —
Don: Right, right…
Tracy: So, anyway, just wanted to officially complain about you and the way you have sex.
Don: Right on!
Tracy: Okay, good, good.
[ Tracy steps away ]
[ Don turns back to Lana ]
Don: So where were we?
Lana: You were saying you don’t get a lot of complaints.
Don: Well, that was the first… and I’m sure it will be the last.
[ Kelly leans forward ]
Kelly: Hey, Don!
Don: What’s up, Kelly?
Kelly: Hey! Uh — a couple of complaints about your lovemaking.
Kelly: One: Tiny penis.
Don: Dig it.
Kelly: Two: You kept calling me “Dog the Bounty Hunter”.
Don: American icon. Yeah.
Kelly: And, lastly: I smelled like vinegar for, like, a year afterwards.
Don: I bathe in it for medical reasons. Yeah.
[ Kelly runs off ]
Don: [ to Lana ] So, before we get out of here, I’d love to buy you a drink.
Lana: Well… it’s a nice offer, but I already have one.
Don: Play coy if you want, but this… is… on!
[ Deb leans forward ]
Deb: Hey, Don?
Don: What’s up, Deb?
Deb: Uh — super dinky weiner.
Don: Yeah, that’s a repeat, yeah.
Deb: It looks like a shriveled eggplant.
Don: The doc says that’s normal.
Deb: It’s not, it’s not.
Deb: And, also, I would lose the shirtless Mario Lopez poster in your bedroom.
Don: Hmm. He’s an underrated deuce man.
Deb: You’re a pathetic man-child, ill-equipped to satisfy a woman.
Don: Deb… you get me.
[ Deb steps away ]
Bartender: Here’s your drink, sir. And, also, I’ve got some messages for you. [ reading ] Uh — Karen called, she says your butt looks like Ebenezer Scrooge.
Don: Can’t disagree.
Bartender: And Lucy called and said because of you, she’s turning gay… amd her dog is pregnant.
Don: I don’t do condoms!
[ Mailman step forward ]
Mailman: Hey, Don, I got your complaint mail here.
Don: Oh, lay it on me!
[ the Mailman lifts a huge sack onto the bar counter ]
Lana: Wow. That’s a lot of complaints.
Mailman: Oh, yes it is! [ he chuckles, then stares Don down before leaving ]
Don: [ to Lana ] So, uh — is this gonna happen, or should I hit the can?
Lana: Look, Don — you seem like a terrible guy.
Don: Toast. Yeah.
Lana: But I’m feeling adventurous, so I’m gonna throw caution to the wind and get involved with you in a way that… is pretty major.
Don: I was not expecting that.
Lana: A couple of facts about me: I only make love to the soundtrack to the musical “Rent” —
Don: I’m listening.
Lana: I’m a scremer, but not the kind you’re thinking.
Don: Bird calls?
Lana: I stand corrected. [ she demonstrates a screeching bird call ] And, lastly: My lifelong nickname is “Skidmarks”, but… I’ve never owned a car.
Don: Hmm. Well, it sounds to me like you’d be any man’s drea.
Lana: [ she laughs ] Well, let’s just say I’ve never had any complaints!
[ Bill leans forward ]
Bill: Heyyy, Lana? I have a few complaints…
Lana: Not now! Not now! [ she pulls out a taser and zaps him in the neck ]
[ Lana and Don toast their glasses ]
Lana & Don: To our terrible lovemaking!
[ cut to exterior, The Tap ]
[ fade ]