Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 2
Chris Rock…..Jay Pharoah
Audience Member #1…..Kenan Thompson
Audience Member #2…..Vanessa Bayer
Audience Member #3…..Taran Killam
Announcer: Fresh from his triumph on Broadway, in “The Motherf**ker With The Hat”, actor Chris Rock now has his own show![ cut to title card ]
Announcer: “Rock’s Way”! See Chris Rock in ALL your favorite theater classics, like… “Romeo & Juliet”![ cut to performance of “Romeo & Juliet” ]
Juliet: Romeo! Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo?
Chris Rock: [ at ground level ] I’m right here!
Juliet: Wherefore art thou?
Chris Rock: I’m DOWN HERE!!
Juliet: Where art thou?
Chris Rock: Okay! Okay, okay! Cut this! [ he whips out his microphone ] Oh, we just gonna have to be FRIENDS! I can’t be messin’ with a bitch that can’t HEAR! [ Juliet nods ] And what have we gotta run from the folks for? I ain’t turnin’ over to WAKE you! You better be able to hear DOG WHISTLES, ’cause that’s the only warning you gonna GET!![ cut to testimonial from Audience Member #1 ]
Audience Member #1: Man, I LOVE Shakespeare! It was HILARIOUS, son! It’s the only Shakespeare I been to where I stood up the whole time! [ he laughs ] You know what I’m talkin’ about!
Announcer: It’s ALL your Broadway favorites — Rockified! Watch as Chris takes on… “Oliver!”[ cut to performance of “Oliver!” ]
Chris Rock: [ holding out bowl ] Please, sir! May I have some more?
Chris Rock: I said, “Please, sir! Could I have some more –” [ he faces the audience ] Riiiiibs! [ he ehips out his microphone ] Come on, man! What do you have in that pot, anyway? Look at you over there, lookin’ like Captain Crunch![ cut to testimonial from Audience Member #2 ]
Audience Member #2: There were thirty other cast members onstage, but none of them really spoke. At one point, they just sat down on the stage and started laughing. I don’t know what happened — I started laughing, too! [ she cackles with glee ] [ cut to testimonial from Audience Member #3 ]
Audience Member #3: It was… Black-tacular! [ he grins playfully ]
Announcer: It’s just like one of those HBO specials, but with people in costumes! Watch as Rock takes on… “Annie”![ cut to performance of “Annie” ]
Annie: It’s a hard knock life.
Chris Rock: “Hard knock lie”?! What you know about the hard knock life? Tell you one thing, though — she got some Daddy issues! Gotta keep off the pole!
Announcer: So come and get “Rocked”! Get rolled and see… “Rock’s Way”![ cut to performance of “Oliver!” ]
Chris Rock: You know how a BAD idea can seem like a GOOD idea at the time? Like CRACK COCAINE!
Announcer: Premiering this month![ fade ]