SNL Transcripts: Ben Stiller: 10/08/11: Bruce Springsteen: Just the Stories


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 3

11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

Bruce Springsteen: Just the Stories

DJ Supersoak…..Jason Sudeikis
Lil’ Blaster…..Nasim PedradMC George Castanza…..Jay Pharoah
Ass Dan…..Bobby Moynihan
Eckhart Tolle…..Ben Stiller

[ open on fiery graphics ]

Announcer: Under-Underground Records is BACK!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: What up, yo! I’m DJ Supersoak!

Lil’ Blaster: And I’m Lil’ Blaster!

DJ Supersoak: And in case you didn’t notice, it’s time for the most dope-tastic holiday of the year!

Together: COLUMBUS DAY!!

Lil’ Blaster: WHOO WHOO!! And what better way to celebrate, than by coming to this SWEET-ASS festival, yo!

Announcer: Announcing the first-ever Columbus Day Assblast!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: We got performances from all the hottest underground rap and rock bands!

Announcer: These bands will… GIVE! QUEEN ISABELLA! POLYPS!!

[ explosion ]

Announcer: With performances by: Sploink! SMC Hammertoe! Baby Nutsack! The Lesbian Forest! Yo Gabba Gabba! Crucifying Kudrow! And a very special a cappella performance… by Mrs. Potato Dick!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: The Columbis Day Assblast is ALSO about giving back! Here to tell you more, is MC George Castanza!

[ cut to MC George Castanza ]

MC George Castanza: Yo! We got a NEW charity for y’all, it’s called…


MC George Castanza: When we came to America, Columbus stole all the Native Americans’ land! Now, we’re giving a bunch of it BACK! So bring us your LOOSE DIRT! Whoooo! Divots! [ he makes a squakly sound ] And full-on mud clumps, and we’ll give YOU:

Announcer: A FRONT WEDGIE!!

DJ Supersoak: And you KNOW we got some fresh-ass special guests, y’all!

Lil’ Blaster: You get to hang with the robot from “…Batteries Not Included”!

DJ Supersoak: Party with the cast of ABC’s hit show “Dinosaurs”!

Announcer: [ over group photo of actors ] WITHOUT THEIR COSTUMES!!

Lil Blaster: Or, just have group sex with the Kia Gerbils! Damn! And you KNOW our friend Ass Dan will be in full effect!

[ cut to Ass Dan standing in front of a van ]

Ass Dan: Ohhhhhhhhh, yeaaahh!! You KNOW I’m still alive — BITCH!! I’m gonna live… [ he grabs his arm ] I think I’m having a heart attack… [ he straightens himsefl ] Nah, it’s cool. It passed. [ he gets cocky again ] Yeah, BITCH!! You KNOW I’m gonna live for —

[ freeze-frame, with SUPER: “Ass Dan, 1981-2011” ]

DJ Supersoak: Worried you won’t be able to cheat on your girlfriend?

Announcer: [ with SUPER ] YOU WILL!

Lil’ Blaster: ‘Cuase the festival’s gonna be crawling with THREE Hispanic prostitutes!

Announcer: [ over graphics ] Nina! Pinta! And Scuzzy Beth!

Lil’ Blaster: There’s gonna be so much DUMB STUFF to do! Like show your little-ass boobs to an old guy!

DJ Supersoak: Get real high and cry!

Lil’ Blaster: And, obviously, you can have a Crap-Off with The Shark himself — Greg Norman!

DJ Supersoak: Yo! I hear that gets gross!

Lil’ Blaster: Ha ha! I ain’t shy!

DJ Supersoak: [ high-fiving her ] I know that, kiddo! Yo! You MUST swing by Eckhart Tolle’s Power Now booth! He’s gonna scramble up your brain, yo!

[ cut to Eckhart Tolle ]

Eckhart Tolle: [ slowly ] The true key… to spiritual… fulfillment… is simply… [ he stares quietly ] [ return to DJ Supersoak ]

DJ Supersoak: Yo! We gotta move on and come back later to heaer the end of that long-ass sentence!

Lil’ Blaster: That dude blinks too much! But he has me appreciating the now! Let’s sheck back and see if his pause is over!

[ return to Eckhart Tolle, now with a tear falling from his eye ]

DJ Supersoak: Ohhh, snap! That little effer’s crying now!

[ explosion ]

Announcer: ASSBLAST!!

Lil’ Blaster: You can play FarmVille… with Khalid Sheikh Mohammed! And the Taco Bell dog announces his next project!

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] HIS DEATH!!

DJ Supersoak: And you KNOW we got some horny-ass bonobos running all over this BITCH!!

[ reveal the bonobos, as DJ Supersoak laughs ]

DJ Supersoak: Hell, yeah!

Lil’ Blaster: You KNOW it sucks!

Announcer: Columbus Day Assblast!!

[ explosion ]

Lil’ Blaster: Get your tickets NOW — BITCHES!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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