Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 3
11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People
Bruce Springsteen: Just the Stories
DJ Supersoak…..Jason Sudeikis
Lil’ Blaster…..Nasim PedradMC George Castanza…..Jay Pharoah
Ass Dan…..Bobby Moynihan
Eckhart Tolle…..Ben Stiller
[ open on fiery graphics ]
Announcer: Under-Underground Records is BACK![ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]
DJ Supersoak: What up, yo! I’m DJ Supersoak!
Lil’ Blaster: And I’m Lil’ Blaster!
DJ Supersoak: And in case you didn’t notice, it’s time for the most dope-tastic holiday of the year!
Together: COLUMBUS DAY!!
Lil’ Blaster: WHOO WHOO!! And what better way to celebrate, than by coming to this SWEET-ASS festival, yo!
Announcer: Announcing the first-ever Columbus Day Assblast![ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil Blaster ]
DJ Supersoak: We got performances from all the hottest underground rap and rock bands!
Announcer: These bands will… GIVE! QUEEN ISABELLA! POLYPS!!
Announcer: With performances by: Sploink! SMC Hammertoe! Baby Nutsack! The Lesbian Forest! Yo Gabba Gabba! Crucifying Kudrow! And a very special a cappella performance… by Mrs. Potato Dick![ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]
DJ Supersoak: The Columbis Day Assblast is ALSO about giving back! Here to tell you more, is MC George Castanza![ cut to MC George Castanza ]
MC George Castanza: Yo! We got a NEW charity for y’all, it’s called…
Announcer: DIRT FOR NATIVE AMERICANS!
MC George Castanza: When we came to America, Columbus stole all the Native Americans’ land! Now, we’re giving a bunch of it BACK! So bring us your LOOSE DIRT! Whoooo! Divots! [ he makes a squakly sound ] And full-on mud clumps, and we’ll give YOU:
Announcer: A FRONT WEDGIE!!
DJ Supersoak: And you KNOW we got some fresh-ass special guests, y’all!
Lil’ Blaster: You get to hang with the robot from “…Batteries Not Included”!
DJ Supersoak: Party with the cast of ABC’s hit show “Dinosaurs”!
Announcer: [ over group photo of actors ] WITHOUT THEIR COSTUMES!!
Lil Blaster: Or, just have group sex with the Kia Gerbils! Damn! And you KNOW our friend Ass Dan will be in full effect!
Ass Dan: Ohhhhhhhhh, yeaaahh!! You KNOW I’m still alive — BITCH!! I’m gonna live… [ he grabs his arm ] I think I’m having a heart attack… [ he straightens himsefl ] Nah, it’s cool. It passed. [ he gets cocky again ] Yeah, BITCH!! You KNOW I’m gonna live for —[ freeze-frame, with SUPER: “Ass Dan, 1981-2011” ]
DJ Supersoak: Worried you won’t be able to cheat on your girlfriend?
Announcer: [ with SUPER ] YOU WILL!
Lil’ Blaster: ‘Cuase the festival’s gonna be crawling with THREE Hispanic prostitutes!
Announcer: [ over graphics ] Nina! Pinta! And Scuzzy Beth!
Lil’ Blaster: There’s gonna be so much DUMB STUFF to do! Like show your little-ass boobs to an old guy!
DJ Supersoak: Get real high and cry!
Lil’ Blaster: And, obviously, you can have a Crap-Off with The Shark himself — Greg Norman!
DJ Supersoak: Yo! I hear that gets gross!
Lil’ Blaster: Ha ha! I ain’t shy!
DJ Supersoak: [ high-fiving her ] I know that, kiddo! Yo! You MUST swing by Eckhart Tolle’s Power Now booth! He’s gonna scramble up your brain, yo![ cut to Eckhart Tolle ]
Eckhart Tolle: [ slowly ] The true key… to spiritual… fulfillment… is simply… [ he stares quietly ] [ return to DJ Supersoak ]
DJ Supersoak: Yo! We gotta move on and come back later to heaer the end of that long-ass sentence!
Lil’ Blaster: That dude blinks too much! But he has me appreciating the now! Let’s sheck back and see if his pause is over![ return to Eckhart Tolle, now with a tear falling from his eye ]
DJ Supersoak: Ohhh, snap! That little effer’s crying now![ explosion ]
Lil’ Blaster: You can play FarmVille… with Khalid Sheikh Mohammed! And the Taco Bell dog announces his next project!
Announcer: [ over SUPER ] HIS DEATH!!
DJ Supersoak: And you KNOW we got some horny-ass bonobos running all over this BITCH!![ reveal the bonobos, as DJ Supersoak laughs ]
DJ Supersoak: Hell, yeah!
Lil’ Blaster: You KNOW it sucks!
Announcer: Columbus Day Assblast!![ explosion ]
Lil’ Blaster: Get your tickets NOW — BITCHES!![ fade ]