Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 3
Fox & Friends
Steve Doocy…..Taran Killam
Gretchen Carlson…..Vanessa Bayer
Brian Kilmeade…..Bobby Moynihan
Lou the Fact Checker…..Fred Armisen
Hank Williams, Jr…..Jason sudeikis
Chris Brooks…..Ben Stiller
[ open on FOX graphics ]
Announcer: You’re watching “Fox and Friends”.[ dissolve to set ]
Steve Doocy: Welcome back to “Fox and Friends”! I’m Steve Doocy. And joinging me, as always — Gretchen Carlson and Brian Kilmeade!
Gretchen Carlson: Good morning!
Brian Kilmeade: Happy Monday!
Steve Doocy: Well! It’s been two weeks, and this “Occupy Wall Street” business keeps going! And I, for one, don’t knoqw what these people want!
Gretchen Carlson: I’ll tell you what they need.
Brian Kilmeade: Uh-oh!
Steve Doocy: Look out!
Gretchen Carlson: A shower!
Brian Kilmeade: There she goes!
Steve Doocy: [ laughing ] What really gets me mad… is how people are now comparing Occupy Wall Street to the Tea Party.
Gretchen Carlson: You know, it’s apples and oranges.
Steve Doocy: It’s night and day!
Brian Kilmeade: Yeah. Just Batman and bananas.
Gretchen Carlson: I mean, it’s nuts, okay? These protesters want anarchy… and, you know, all the Tea Party ever wanted was no government!
Steve Doocy: [ thinking ] I-isn’t that anarchy?
Gretchen Carlson: Uh — no! [ stumbling ] Anarchy is no government while people play bongos.
Steve Doocy: You know… and I gotta say, you young people have gotta be careful, ’cause it’s so easy to get sucked into this crazy mob mentality.
Brian Kilmeade: So true, so true. I once thought I was following a crowd of people into Yankee Stadium…but it turns out I was in a breast cancer walk. When it was over, I was ten miles from my car and I had to take the bus home.
Steve Doocy: Alright, now, now, get this. According to reports, the protests are costing the city of New York $1 trillion a day!
Brian Kilmeade: Wow… wow…
Gretchen Carlson: Now, that can’t be right.
Steve Doocy: That’s what I heard!
Gretchen Carlson: Okay. Well, when we have a question, we can always go to our fact-checker Lou. Lou?[ cut to Lou glancing through notes that fall to the floor, so he casts a salute instead ]
Steve Doocy: Aw, good ol’ Lou, always keeping us honest! Alright, moving on. We had a little “incident” this week on “Fox & Friends”.
Brian Kilmeade: Oh, yeah! It got weird!
Steve Doocy: We asked country music legend and voice of “Mondaty Night Football”, Hank Williams, Jr. to come on our show and, uh… let’s say he got himself into a little bit of trouble!
Steve Doocy: Uh, Mr. Williams campared President Obama to Hitler… and we just don’t say that on this show.
Brian Kilmeade: We imply it.
Steve Doocy: That’s right, that’s right. It’s called… manners.
Gretchen Carlson: Exactly! So, here to explain himself, is Hank Williams, Jr.[ cut to Hank Williams, Jr. ]
Hank Williams, Jr.: Hey there, fellas! I know who the friends is, and who’s the fox! Lookin’ good, Gretchen!
Chris Brooks: Okay, hold up, Hank… [ leaning in ] If I, uh — if I may speak for Mr. Williams.
Steve Doocy: Uh, yeah… and, uh, who are you?
Chris Brooks: I’m Chris Brooks, Mr. Williams’ media representative. i’ll be speaking for him from this point forward. Now, I understand you’re upset, but you have to admit… YOU made a big mistake, by letting Mr. Williams come on your show… and speak for himself.
Hank Williams, Jr.: That’s right!
Chris Brooks: I mean, what did you think he would say? Look at him. He looks like a truck stop Santa Claus.
Hank Williams, Jr.: [ miming pulling a truck horn ] Ho, ho, ho-o-o-o-o-o!!
Steve Doocy: S-so… this is our fault?
Chris Brooks: Well, you had a big role in it… and Mr. Williams would like an apology.
Hank Williams, Jr.: Hell, yeah! Apologize to Bocephus!
Chris Brooks: Hank, stop it… you’re not helping…
Hank Williams, Jr.: Of course I’m not helping, I’m crazy!
Chris Brooks: [ to the pundits ] You introduced Mr. Williams as a man who knew a “thing or two” about politics. Telling him he’s a political analyst is akin to giving a baby a gun.
Hank Williams, Jr.: Hey! Don’t give a baby a gun! President Barack Hitler will just take it away!
Gretchen Carlson: [ smiling ] There he goes again!
Brian Kilmeade: He sure did!
Chris Brooks: You see? That’s what Hank does! He calls everyone he doesn’t like Hitler! He called some of his friends Hitler!
Hank Williams, Jr.: Yeah, most of them are good guys… except for Travis — he’s a real Hitler!
Steve Doocy: I-I’m sorry… I don’t see how this is our problem.
Chris Brooks: Like I said — you let him talk. Waht Mr. Williams is good at, is writing songs. Like, uh, “There’s a Tear in My Beer”… and sing-talking in front of cheerleaders from “Monday Night Football”.
Hank Williams, Jr.: Hmm-hmm.
Chris Brooks: Now… he wants to make this right, and he wrote a song to prove it.
Steve Doocy: Well, let’s hear it.
Hank Williams, Jr.: You want me to sing it now?
Chris Brooks: Yes. Now.
Hank Williams, Jr.: [ screaming ]“Are you ready for an apology?!
Well, you NOT gonna get ooooone!
Because I calls ’em like I see ’em, and Obama’s –“
Steve Doocy: Wow! Uh… well, I think I speak for all of us when I say: “Apology accepted!”
Gretchen Carlson: Let’s take a quick break. But, first, our fact-checkers have finished combing over the firs two hours of the show, and we have a few corrections![ a list of corrections SCROLL upward quickly, reading:
“The second president of the United States was John Quincy Adams, not Sam Adams summer Ale.
A movie and motion picture are the same thing.
Juice is a drinkable substance.
There are seven continents not one thousand.
The “West Memphis Three” is not a jazz quartet.
America is not currently under a “level 9 liberty alert”. There is no such thing as a “level 9 liberty alert.”
Presidential dog “Bo” Obama does not collect social security checks, nor is he an undocumented Peruvian housekeeper in disguise.
Julie Andrews is an award winning British actress. She has never been on trial for kidnapping.
Windows are typically made of glass
President Obama did not pardon Carmen Sandiego
Flu shots prevent influenza and have nothing to do with getting into heaven
Nancy Pelosi did not appear on an episode of River Monsters
There is not now, nor has there ever been a plan to air-consition the Grand Canyon
Herman Cain did not invent Pizza.
Christopher Columbus sailed to what is now the modern day United States in an effort to find a trade route to the West Indies. Not to flee the dragons.
No Transformers have ever been found on the moon.
Flo from the progressive Insurance ads is a living human being, not the ghost of a Civil War widow.
Africa is widely regarded to be the origin of the human specieis. It was not “discovered only a handful of years ago.”
The Jewish Holiday just celebrated was Rosh Hashanah not Rush Hot Bananas.
Nicholas Cage did not sign the Declaration of Independence.
There is no known connection between the Oklahoma City Bombing and The Bay City Rollers
Electric cars are not powered by electric eagles.
Carrying a child in a Baby Bjorn does not cause homsexuality, in the child or the adult.
The Washington Monument was not named after Denzel Washington. Nor was it named after the Washington Redskins.
The Pope does not hold a world record in speed skating.
Abraham Lincoln is not alive and living in Amish, Pennsylvania. There is no such place as Amish, Pennsylvania.
Mount Rushmore does not include the face of Spiderman.
There are indeed several laws that prohibit pointing a gun at a mail carrier.
Pocahontas was not named after a stripper.
Vermont still exists.
There is currently no bill before the house that would mandate the eating of flan on Thanksgiving.
Mary Magdalene was not eaten by a dinosaur.
General Tso did not win the Civil War for the Confederacy.
Rick Perry was not a contestant on “The Amazing Race” nor was he the winner of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge
“Time in a Bottle” was never the national anthem.
Whole Foods does not povide free abortions.” ]
Brian Kilmeade: See you after this quick break![ dissolve to FOX graphics ] [ fade ]