Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 3
11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People
Mitt Romney Press Conference
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Republican #1…..Bill Hader
Republican #2…..Nasim Pedrad
Republican #3…..Taran Killam
Republican #4…..Paul Brittain
Republican #5…..Kristen Wiig
Republican #6…..Vanessa Bayer
Chris Christie…..Bobby Moynihan
[ open on C-Span slide ]
Announcer: We go now to Washington, D.C., where Mitt Romney is taking a question from top Republican fundraisers.
[ dissolve to Mitt Romney ]
Mitt Romney: Uh, it’s such an honor to be addressing you tonight. You’re the backbone of the Republican party, and I think we all agree it’s time for change. Alright? I-I-I-I hope I have your support. Any questions? [ pointing ] Yes?
Republican #1: You were saying recently that America needs a leader who will return it to its position as the strongest nation on Earth.
Mitt Romney: Uh… yes.
Republican #1: Who do you think that leader is?
Mitt Romney: Uh, well… obviously, I, you know, think it’s me!
Republican #1: Yeah, but… let’s say you could pick anyone. Not just the candidates who’ve announced.
Mitt Romney: Well, I-I-I-I would still pick me. I- I think I have the experience, both in the private sector and the government to lead the country at this critical time. [ he points ] Yes, you.
Republican #2: The deadline for candidates to file to be eligible is October 31st.
Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm. Yeah. That’s right.
Republican #2: Would you be in favor of pushing that deadline back to give the party more time to find a viable candidate?
Mitt Romney: Well, obviously, I think I’m a viable candidate. I mean, I’m not just a guy who runs for president because I can afford to.
Republican #2: Oh! [ she twirls her eyes ] Okay.
Mitt Romney: [ pointing ] Uh — yes. You.
Republican #3: Uh, this Tuesday, Gov. Chris Christie announced he would not seek the Republican nomination. Uh… have you considered calling him and trying to convince him to run?
Mitt Romney: Why would I do that?
Republican #3: Uh… he’s a great candidate? [ he chuckles ] We were all gonna vote for him! Right?
[ the crowd murmurs their agreement ]
Mitt Romney: Okay, now, look, look, look! I know that Gov. Christie was a fun personality with a LOT of charisma. But I assure you… the more you get to know Mitt, the more fun you’re gonna have! [ pointing ] You!
Republican #4: Uh, yeah — are we gonna have Hoagie Friday?
Mitt Romney: [ confused ] I’m sorry?
Republican #4: Hoagie Friday. Uh, Gov. Christie said he would have Hoagie Fridays! He said we were a bunch of meatballs, uh… so we should all get meatball hoagies! [ the crowd laughs ]
Mitt Romney: Uh — I’m sure we could get some food in here. What do you people like? huh? What do you like, buttered bread? [ no response ] You guys want some buttered bread?
Republican #4: You know what? Just… just forget it.
[ Republican #5 rises next to him ]
Republican #5: [ quickly ] You’re not Chris Christie, and you never will be!
[ the crowd murmurs their agreement ]
Mitt Romney: Okay! Look! Okay, I’m about to get ANGRY! Okay? And not regular angry — we’re talking MORMON Angry! I mean, you’re gonna start hearing words like “Shucks!”, “Fudge!”, and the biggie: ” Cheese and crackers!” Now, I know I have shortcomings, okay? I’m plainspoken… I’m a little stiff… and my voice sounds like a black comedian doing a white guy voice. But I’m the man now! So do we have any questions about the election at hand? [ he points ] Yes — you!
Republican #6: Um — how do write-in votes work? Seriously — if we all wrote in “Chris Christie” and he won, he would have to be president, right/
Mitt Romney: [ angry ] Awwwww… HECK IT ALL! Heck it all to FUDGE!!
[ Chris Christie leans in ]
Gov. Chris Christie: Heyyyy, easy, everybody!
[ the crowd cheers ]
Gov. Chris Christie: [ flattered ] Oh, look at this! I didn’t realize there was a MEATBALL CONVENTION in town!
[ the crowd laughs ]
Mitt Romney: Ah ha ha ha. Thank you for that.
Gov. Chris Christie: Okay, now listen up! You HAVE to start showing Gov. Romney some respect! I mean, how do you think he feels, watching you like everybody more than him?
Republican #5: Governor Christie, we don’t WANT to stay with him! We want you to run!
[ the crowd agrees ]
Gov. Chris Christie: It’s not gonna happen! I know you want me to run, but this… [ he accentuates his figure ] This can’t go national! My style works in one place: New Jersey! If I run for President, I gotta go to places like Mississippi — in June!
Mitt Romney: Hmm…
Gov. Chris Christie: I mean, can you picture me in the Mississippi heat in June? Taking questions from some yokel while I breathe like Tony Soprano? [ he wheezes his demonstration ]
Mitt Romney: You alright?
Gov. Chris Christie: It’s not gonna be pretty!
Republican #6: But Romney is so boring!
Gov. Chris Christie: So what? He’s a nice man in a clean suit that wants to be President! Where are your manners? It’s like he took you to a fancy dinner in a nightclub, and you spent the entire night grinding on the sweaty guy from Jersey! You owe him an apology!
Republicans: Sorry.
Gov. Chris Christie: I can’t hear you!
Republicans: SORRY!!
Gov. Chris Christie: Oh… oh, hell! I can’t stay mad at you meatballs! And by the way… wait. Mitt — earmuffs.
Mitt Romney: You got it, Gov! [ he covers his ears ]
Gov. Chris Christie: Look — I’m gonna run in 2016. [ the crowd beams with excitement ] I just can’t do it now. Let’s just say… I gotta make a couple things go away first. Okay? But after this poor bastard loses… [ he points to Romney ] I’ll get a nice head start, I’ll run in four years, it’ll be great! Fat President! Come on, it writes itself!
[ the crowd cheers ]
Gov. Chris Christie: Thank you. Mitt! Earmuffs, off. [ Romney lowers his hands ] They’re all yours.
Mitt Romney: Alright. Thank you, Chris. I really appreciate that. Uh — thank you! Alright, so, uh, any mroe questions, you balls of meat? [ the crowd shakes their heads No ] Okay. In that case, I have one more thing I have to say, and I’m pretty excited to say it, so, uh —
[ Chris Christie shoves Romney out of the way ]
Gov. Chris Christie: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!
