SNL Transcripts: Ben Stiller: 10/08/11: Mitt Romney Press Conference


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 3

11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

Mitt Romney Press Conference

Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Republican #1…..Bill Hader
Republican #2…..Nasim Pedrad
Republican #3…..Taran Killam
Republican #4…..Paul Brittain
Republican #5…..Kristen Wiig
Republican #6…..Vanessa Bayer
Chris Christie…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on C-Span slide ]

Announcer: We go now to Washington, D.C., where Mitt Romney is taking a question from top Republican fundraisers.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney ]

Mitt Romney: Uh, it’s such an honor to be addressing you tonight. You’re the backbone of the Republican party, and I think we all agree it’s time for change. Alright? I-I-I-I hope I have your support. Any questions? [ pointing ] Yes?

Republican #1: You were saying recently that America needs a leader who will return it to its position as the strongest nation on Earth.

Mitt Romney: Uh… yes.

Republican #1: Who do you think that leader is?

Mitt Romney: Uh, well… obviously, I, you know, think it’s me!

Republican #1: Yeah, but… let’s say you could pick anyone. Not just the candidates who’ve announced.

Mitt Romney: Well, I-I-I-I would still pick me. I- I think I have the experience, both in the private sector and the government to lead the country at this critical time. [ he points ] Yes, you.

Republican #2: The deadline for candidates to file to be eligible is October 31st.

Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm. Yeah. That’s right.

Republican #2: Would you be in favor of pushing that deadline back to give the party more time to find a viable candidate?

Mitt Romney: Well, obviously, I think I’m a viable candidate. I mean, I’m not just a guy who runs for president because I can afford to.

Republican #2: Oh! [ she twirls her eyes ] Okay.

Mitt Romney: [ pointing ] Uh — yes. You.

Republican #3: Uh, this Tuesday, Gov. Chris Christie announced he would not seek the Republican nomination. Uh… have you considered calling him and trying to convince him to run?

Mitt Romney: Why would I do that?

Republican #3: Uh… he’s a great candidate? [ he chuckles ] We were all gonna vote for him! Right?

[ the crowd murmurs their agreement ]

Mitt Romney: Okay, now, look, look, look! I know that Gov. Christie was a fun personality with a LOT of charisma. But I assure you… the more you get to know Mitt, the more fun you’re gonna have! [ pointing ] You!

Republican #4: Uh, yeah — are we gonna have Hoagie Friday?

Mitt Romney: [ confused ] I’m sorry?

Republican #4: Hoagie Friday. Uh, Gov. Christie said he would have Hoagie Fridays! He said we were a bunch of meatballs, uh… so we should all get meatball hoagies! [ the crowd laughs ]

Mitt Romney: Uh — I’m sure we could get some food in here. What do you people like? huh? What do you like, buttered bread? [ no response ] You guys want some buttered bread?

Republican #4: You know what? Just… just forget it.

[ Republican #5 rises next to him ]

Republican #5: [ quickly ] You’re not Chris Christie, and you never will be!

[ the crowd murmurs their agreement ]

Mitt Romney: Okay! Look! Okay, I’m about to get ANGRY! Okay? And not regular angry — we’re talking MORMON Angry! I mean, you’re gonna start hearing words like “Shucks!”, “Fudge!”, and the biggie: ” Cheese and crackers!” Now, I know I have shortcomings, okay? I’m plainspoken… I’m a little stiff… and my voice sounds like a black comedian doing a white guy voice. But I’m the man now! So do we have any questions about the election at hand? [ he points ] Yes — you!

Republican #6: Um — how do write-in votes work? Seriously — if we all wrote in “Chris Christie” and he won, he would have to be president, right/

Mitt Romney: [ angry ] Awwwww… HECK IT ALL! Heck it all to FUDGE!!

[ Chris Christie leans in ]

Gov. Chris Christie: Heyyyy, easy, everybody!

[ the crowd cheers ]

Gov. Chris Christie: [ flattered ] Oh, look at this! I didn’t realize there was a MEATBALL CONVENTION in town!

[ the crowd laughs ]

Mitt Romney: Ah ha ha ha. Thank you for that.

Gov. Chris Christie: Okay, now listen up! You HAVE to start showing Gov. Romney some respect! I mean, how do you think he feels, watching you like everybody more than him?

Republican #5: Governor Christie, we don’t WANT to stay with him! We want you to run!

[ the crowd agrees ]

Gov. Chris Christie: It’s not gonna happen! I know you want me to run, but this… [ he accentuates his figure ] This can’t go national! My style works in one place: New Jersey! If I run for President, I gotta go to places like Mississippi — in June!

Mitt Romney: Hmm…

Gov. Chris Christie: I mean, can you picture me in the Mississippi heat in June? Taking questions from some yokel while I breathe like Tony Soprano? [ he wheezes his demonstration ]

Mitt Romney: You alright?

Gov. Chris Christie: It’s not gonna be pretty!

Republican #6: But Romney is so boring!

Gov. Chris Christie: So what? He’s a nice man in a clean suit that wants to be President! Where are your manners? It’s like he took you to a fancy dinner in a nightclub, and you spent the entire night grinding on the sweaty guy from Jersey! You owe him an apology!

Republicans: Sorry.

Gov. Chris Christie: I can’t hear you!

Republicans: SORRY!!

Gov. Chris Christie: Oh… oh, hell! I can’t stay mad at you meatballs! And by the way… wait. Mitt — earmuffs.

Mitt Romney: You got it, Gov! [ he covers his ears ]

Gov. Chris Christie: Look — I’m gonna run in 2016. [ the crowd beams with excitement ] I just can’t do it now. Let’s just say… I gotta make a couple things go away first. Okay? But after this poor bastard loses… [ he points to Romney ] I’ll get a nice head start, I’ll run in four years, it’ll be great! Fat President! Come on, it writes itself!

[ the crowd cheers ]

Gov. Chris Christie: Thank you. Mitt! Earmuffs, off. [ Romney lowers his hands ] They’re all yours.

Mitt Romney: Alright. Thank you, Chris. I really appreciate that. Uh — thank you! Alright, so, uh, any mroe questions, you balls of meat? [ the crowd shakes their heads No ] Okay. In that case, I have one more thing I have to say, and I’m pretty excited to say it, so, uh —

[ Chris Christie shoves Romney out of the way ]

Gov. Chris Christie: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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