SNL Transcripts: Ben Stiller: 10/08/11: Tinyballs


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 3

11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People


Head Coach (Brad Pitt)…..Taran Killam
Coach #2…..Fred Armisen
Manager (Jonah Hill)…..Bobby Moynihan
Dealer…..Ben Stiller
Player #1…..Jay Pharoah
Player #2…..Paul Brittain

[ open on MPAA card ] [ dissolve to movie trailer — baseball coach in business meeting ]

Head Coach: You have rich teams… and poor teams. Then there’s fifty feet of crap. And then there’s us.

[ intercut with footage of ballplayers striking out on the field ]

Head Coach: We’ve got to think differently!

Coach #2: differently, how?

[ cut to Coach meeting with Manager in an alley ]

Manager: Your goal shouldn’t be to buy better players. It should be to make better players.

Head Coach: But how?

Manager: with this guy.

[ reveal Dealer ]

Dealer: Hey.

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] From the malers of “Moneyball”.

Dealer: What if I told you you don’t need talent or money… and you could still win?

Head Coach: With what? Heart?

Dealer: No. [ he holds up a syringe ] With steroids.

[ the coach mulls it over ] [ SUPER: “Based On A True Story” ] [ cut to Coach addressing his new players ]

Head Coach: Gentlemen… we’re going to give you talent.

Player #1: How you gonna do that?

Dealer: We’re gonna inject in your ass.

[ cut to Dealer applying cream to the player’s skin ]

Dealer: This is called The Cream.

Player #1: What does it do?

Dealer: It makes home runs. And it makes your nuts the size of raisins.

Player #1: Wait, what?

Dealer: Don’t worry about it.

[ cut to muscled Player #2 hitting a home run ]

Player #2: I can hit!

[ dissolve to Dealer giving the thumbs-up ] [ dissolve to Coach #2 yelling at Head Coach ]

Coach #2: People don’t like what you’re doing! You’re threatening the game! Also, some of the players are growing tits.

[ dissolve to Player #1 examining his tits ] [ dissolve to Dealer and Player #2 high-fiving ] [ dissolve to Head Coach leaning against net, smiling ] [ dissolve to Head Coach having breakfast with his daughter ]

Daughter: I’m so proud of you! How are you doing it, Daddy?

Head Coach: We’re cheating, Honey. We’re cheating.

[ his daughter smiles ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] When the odds are against you…

[ dissolve to Player #1 eating his baseball ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] …Change the odds.

[ dissolve to team applauding their victory ]

Head Coach: Nobody believed in us! But we did it OUR way! Yeah!

[ the team cheers wildly, then begin to destroy locker equipment in an uncontrollable rage ] [ dissolve to title slide ]

Announcer: “Tinyballs”.

[ dissolve to Player #1 looking at himself beneath towel in the shower ]

Player #1: What’s happening to me?

Dealer: You’re winning.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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