Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 3
Head Coach (Brad Pitt)…..Taran Killam
Coach #2…..Fred Armisen
Manager (Jonah Hill)…..Bobby Moynihan
Player #1…..Jay Pharoah
Player #2…..Paul Brittain
Head Coach: You have rich teams… and poor teams. Then there’s fifty feet of crap. And then there’s us.[ intercut with footage of ballplayers striking out on the field ]
Head Coach: We’ve got to think differently!
Coach #2: differently, how?
Manager: Your goal shouldn’t be to buy better players. It should be to make better players.
Head Coach: But how?
Manager: with this guy.
Announcer: [ over SUPER ] From the malers of “Moneyball”.
Dealer: What if I told you you don’t need talent or money… and you could still win?
Head Coach: With what? Heart?
Dealer: No. [ he holds up a syringe ] With steroids.[ the coach mulls it over ] [ SUPER: “Based On A True Story” ] [ cut to Coach addressing his new players ]
Head Coach: Gentlemen… we’re going to give you talent.
Player #1: How you gonna do that?
Dealer: We’re gonna inject in your ass.[ cut to Dealer applying cream to the player’s skin ]
Dealer: This is called The Cream.
Player #1: What does it do?
Dealer: It makes home runs. And it makes your nuts the size of raisins.
Player #1: Wait, what?
Dealer: Don’t worry about it.[ cut to muscled Player #2 hitting a home run ]
Player #2: I can hit![ dissolve to Dealer giving the thumbs-up ] [ dissolve to Coach #2 yelling at Head Coach ]
Coach #2: People don’t like what you’re doing! You’re threatening the game! Also, some of the players are growing tits.[ dissolve to Player #1 examining his tits ] [ dissolve to Dealer and Player #2 high-fiving ] [ dissolve to Head Coach leaning against net, smiling ] [ dissolve to Head Coach having breakfast with his daughter ]
Daughter: I’m so proud of you! How are you doing it, Daddy?
Head Coach: We’re cheating, Honey. We’re cheating.[ his daughter smiles ]
Announcer: [ over SUPER ] When the odds are against you…[ dissolve to Player #1 eating his baseball ]
Announcer: [ over SUPER ] …Change the odds.[ dissolve to team applauding their victory ]
Head Coach: Nobody believed in us! But we did it OUR way! Yeah![ the team cheers wildly, then begin to destroy locker equipment in an uncontrollable rage ] [ dissolve to title slide ]
Announcer: “Tinyballs”.[ dissolve to Player #1 looking at himself beneath towel in the shower ]
Player #1: What’s happening to me?
Dealer: You’re winning.[ fade ]