Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 4
Yet Another GOP Debate
Sandy Schaub…..Vanessa Bayer
Herman Cain…..Kenan Thompson
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Rick Perry…..Bill Hader
Michele Bachmann…..Kristen Wiig
Newt Gingrich…..Bobby Moynihan
Ron Paul…..Paul Brittain
Rick Santorum…..Andy Samberg
[ open on Marriott TV logo ]
Announcer: You’re watching Marriott Tv., the in-room guide to everything our hotel has to offer. Up next: Live from Conference Room 5 in the Cedar Falls Courtyard Marriott, it’s… “Yet Another GOP Debate”.[ dissolve to Conference Room 5 ]
Sandy Schaub: Hello! I’m Sandy Schaub, from Marriott TV. Welcome to the second of two GOP debates this week. The first of which was televised by Bloomberg TV, while tonight’s debate takes place on the only channel tune in to less. As a reminder to the canddiates: No one is watching, so the stakes are low. We have rearranged the seating from past debates, based on the most recent polling results and, therefore, the likelihood of each candidate winning the nomination. In the center, the new leader in the polls: Herman Cain.
Herman Cain: [ he shrugs ] I’m as surprised as YOU!
Sandy Schaub: Next to him is former Governor Mitt Romney.
Mitt Romney: [ chuckling ] Herman Cain. You guys are KILLING me!
Sandy Schaub: Three seats over, in a chair facing the wall… the fading Rick Perry.[ Rick Perry turns to smile and hold up his thumb ]
Sandy Schaub: In a locked janitor’s closet are Congresswoman Michele Bachmann and curio from a bygone era Newt Gingrich.[ Bachmann waves as Gingrich sits there stone-faced ]
Sandy Schaub: Out in the parking garage, it’s Texas congressman Ron Paul.[ from a distance in the parking garage, Paul waves ]
Sandy Schaub: And, live from a crowded gay bar in the Castro District in San Francisco… Rick Santorum.
Rick Santorum: [ visibly uncomfortable ] Very funny!
Sandy Schaub: And John Huntsman couldn’t be here tonight because we gave him the wrong address — on purpose. We begin with governor Romney. Governor, on Monday you received an endorsement from Chris Christie. Then, you outpoerformed your opponents at Tuesday’s debate. Yet, the newest polls show you trailing Herman Cain by as many as fifteen points.
Mitt Romney: Yes.
Sandy Schaub: When are you going to accept that Republicans just don’t like you?
Mitt Romney: Now, look, I — I don’t think they dislike me. I just think they want to exhaust their options. You know, I understand that, before anyone goes home with Mitt Romney, they’re going to take one last lap around the bar to see if there’s anyone better than me. And I’m okay with that. Alright? Go! Go sow your oats. I will wait for you. Yuo be Jenny, and I’ll be your Forrest Gump. Be with as many guys as you want, I will still be here running around the country like an idiot until you come home so I can watch you die. Should’ve left off that last part, I guess!
Sandy Schaub: Herman Cain.
Herman Cain: Yes.
Sandy Schaub: With your rise in the polls, many are taking a closer look at your 9-9-9 plan, and most economists agree it’s an oversimplified, unworkable solution to a complicated financial situation.
Herman Cain: Well, let me explain. I never thought I would be “taken seriously”, so I never thought anyone would “look at it.” The original goal of the 9-9-9 plan was to get me a show on FOX News. At 9:00. But, if America is looking for catchy, unworkable solutions to complicated problems, Herman Cain will keep them coming! How do we fight terrorism? My 5-5-5 plan. Wharever terror is, America will send five airplanes, five soldiers, and five of those dogs that caught Osama Bin Laden. How do we fix health care? The 3-3-3 plan. Every time you get sick, you get three pills, three days off and three chicken noodle soups. Having trouble getting to the airport? Dial 7-7-7 for Caramel Limosine. Don’t hassle with a cab! Vote Herman Cain.
Sandy Schaub: Governor Perry. On Thursday, your wife said you were being brutalized because of your faith. Yet, it was a pastor affilaited with your campaign who recently called Mormonism a cult. What’s going on?
Rick Perry: I think the best way to explain it is… we’re desperate! You know? We’re willing to try anything. Nothing is beneath us right now. You’re gonna see us start playing the mormon card — you know — we’re gonna start playing the race card. Heck, this week, my staff looked into a plan that would FRAME Mitt Romney for a murder in Texas, railroad him through a sham trial, and then, you know… [ he makes electrocution sound effect and laughs ] Though, let me stress, Mitt, this plan never passed the exploratory phase.
Mitt Romney: Ah, that’s okay! I’m INCAPABLE of rage.
Rick Perry: The point is that when you can’t get better, your options are limited. So my promise is this: You haven’t seen the worst of Rick Perry yet!
Sandy Schaub: Let’s go back to the janitor’s closet. Michele Bachmann and Newt Gingrich. Neither of you are going to win, and you’re starting to waste our time.
Michele Bachmann: That’s fair.
Newt Gingrich: Agreed.
Sandy Schaub: At the end of tonight’s debate, we will unlock the door to your room. Whoever is still standing can come to the next debate. Whoever isn’t is out of the race.
Newt Gingrich: I… I don’t understand…[ Bachmann slugs him across the face and knocks him to the floor, then jumps up and elbows him rpeeatedly as he screams ]
Sandy Schaub: Herman Cain. Do you think your campaign will be able to withstand the extra scrutiny that comes with being the frontrunner?
Herman Cain: I do not. If I may, let me put it in pizza terms: Nothing beats that first HOT slice of pizza. The second slice is also hard to beat. Yuo see, America is on their second slice of Herman Cain right now. But, unfortunately, there is no such thing as a two-slice pizza. So you will keep STUFFING yourselves full of Herman Cain. Soon, your tummy will be a gassy mess, and you will go to bed and have bad dreams. In the morning, you’ll wake up and say, “Today, I’m eating a nice salad.”
Mitt Romney: Uh, if I may — uh, I believe I can BE that salad. No croutons, no dressing, just lettuce in a bowl. Look, in 2008, America was a place FULL of hope, and Barack Obama was the candidate for that America. Now it’s starting to sink in that there’s NOTHING to be hopeful about. In 2008, America was a vibrant, young peson with thir WHOLE life ahead of them. Now America has a bum knee, uh, an exploded mortgage, and no job. The time for dreaming is over. It’s time to settle. And NOTHING says you’re settling, like Mitt Romney! Barack Obama made America say “Yes, we can!” Well, I think I can make America say “Yes, we can… live with that.”
Sandy Schaub: Rick Santorum. How you doing?[ surrounded by bulky gay men ] Ba-a-a-a-a-addd!!
Sandy Schaub: And Ron Paul?[ cut to Paul in the parking garage, as an unmarked van pulls up alongside him ]
Sandy Schaub: It seems like an unmarked van is approaching.[ men jump out and pull Paul into the back of the van ]
Sandy Schaub: Looks like BAD news for Ron Paul.[ gunshots echo from inside the van, and the back door opens ]
Sandy Schaub: But, hold on…[ Paul steps out of the van and dusts off his jacket, as one of the men flops out of the van dead ]
Sandy Schaub: Ron Paul. Not going anywhere. Ideologically pure, and tough as nails. Well, that concludes tonight’s debate. Join us for our next debate, when we basically continue to turn into a season of “Survivor”, where no one is EVER voted off the island.[ cut to Marriott TV logo ] [ fade ]