Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 4
The Charlie Rose Show
Charlie Rose…..Bill Hader
Mark Zuckerberg…..Andy Samberg
Arianna Huffington…..Nasim Pedrad
Reed Hastings…..Jason Sudeikis
Rupert Murdoch…..Fred Armisen
Announcer: From our studios in New York City, this is “Charlie Rose”.[ dissolve to set ]
Charlie Rose: Hello, I’m Charlie Rose. and for those of you curious about our theme music, it’s a spunky pop-jazz number called “Sadona Samba”. Tonight: A tribute to the late Steve Jobs. The legendary founder of Apple died last week at the age of 56. We’ll hear from his admirers in the world of technology and media on what the Steve Jobs legacy means. Joining me tonight: He is the fouder of Facebook.com and a visionary of modern communication — Mark Zuckerberg.
Mark Zuckerberg: [ disheveled ] Look! I dressed up!
Charlie Rose: Very nice. She is the founder and editor of The Huffington Post — Ariana Huffington.
Arianna Huffington: Hello, Charlie. I love what you haven’t done with the place.
Charlie Rose: He is the CEO of the streaming media service Netflix, and the offshoot Quickster — Reed Hastings.
Reed Hastings: Actually, we’re not going to start Quickster any more. We just announced that Netflix and quickster are going to merge into one simple company… called Netflix.
Charlie Rose: Let us know if the company makes any terrible decisions in the next hour.
Reed Hastings: I will! And we will!
Charlie Rose: Finally: Joining us from London, he is the founder and CEO of NewsCorp and the world’s oldest mean girl — Rupert Murdoch.
Rupert Murdoch: I regret nothing!
Charlie Rose: Thank you all. I am pleased to have you back at this table. Welcome. Steve Jobs. How were each of you… influenced… by Steve Jobs?
Mark Zuckerberg: Well, Mr. Jobs taught me that you could bring beauty to the world of technology. He wanted his products to be works of art that were both efficient and elegant.
Charlie Rose: And how do you apply that elegance to Facebook.com?
Mark Zuckerberg: Oh, I don’t! Not at all! I mean, Facebook.com started off a simple user-friendly website… but now it’s just a mess! I mean, it’s covered in ads and invites from local bands, like the bulletin board at an annoying coffee shop.
Charlie Rose: I’d say Facebook has become flooded and confusing, a jambalaya of Farmville updates and vampire requests.
Mark Zuckerberg: Indeed. Steve Jobs once said that people don’t know what they like until you show it to them. So at Facebook, we show them things… and they don’t like them.
Charlie Rose: Now, Arianna Huffington. Wht did you learn from Steve Jobs?
Arianna Huffington: Well, you know, Steve was completely hands-on with every component of apple Computers.
Charlie Rose: And that’s how you run Huffington Post?
Arianna Huffington: No. No! Could you be serious? I’ve been to the Huffington Post, maybe, ten or five times. The last time I went, everyone was like, “Who are you?” And I was like, “I’m your boss.” And they were like, “Could you be serious?” And I was like, “I have to go, this place is disgusting!”
Charlie Rose: Apple Computers stood for one thing: Innovation. Now, what does Huffington Post stand for?
Arianna Huffington: You know, like a million different things: The politics, sports, weddings, Alec Baldwin articles, photos of boobies, health and fitness, complaints from Bill Mahar, food, and more boobies.
Charlie Rose: Reed Hastings. Why aren’t most seasoned CEOs like Steve Job
Reed Hastings: Well, what you have to understand is, it’s a lot easier to not be like Steve Jobs. I mean, he had great ideas, he worked incredibly hard, and he never compromised. He set an annoyingly high standard of integrity.
Mark Zuckerberg: Sure. sure
Arianna Huffington: It’s disgusting!
Charlie Rose: Is it fair to say Netflix hasn’t measured up to that standard?
Reed Hastings: [ laughing heartily ] Are you joking? No! No, we SUCK right now! Uh — I mean, Steve Jobs rejected several models of the iPhone until his designers got it just right. THAT’S integrity. Okay? We — we don’t reject any ideas at Netflix. Alright? If someone suggests something, even as a joke — you know, BOOM! — we do it! Okay? Comparing Apple to Netflix is like comparing apples to oranges — especially if the oranges made so many mistakes that people stopped eating oranges and just went back to Blockbuster.
Charlie Rose: [ spraying his table with Pledge ] Excuse me for a second… [ he wipes ] Alright.
Reed Hastings: That’s a nice scent.
Charlie Rose: [ sniffing ] It is. [ he puts the Pledge away ] Jobs said in his 2005 Stanford address that people can learn a lot from failure. Do you think that’s true?
Reed Hastings: Well, you know… I’m kind of in mid-failure right now, so it’shard to say.
Charlie Rose: So, do you have anything in common with Steve Jobs?
Reed Hastings: Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, uhh…. I guess we both wore bad jeans. also, uh, Apple Computers started in a garage, and pretty soon Netflix will have to move to a garage. Yeah, in fact, actually, if anyone is renting their garage out, please let us know. We’d prefer one with no cars parked in it. Actually, you know what? We could use the hoods as desks, so, uh, cars are fine. Sorry!
Charlie Rose: Make sure you ask for the first three months up front. Rupert Murdoch! What do you think when you hear the name Steve Jobs?
Rupert Murdoch: Uh, well, Charlie, as I said last week, I think of him as the greatest CEO of our generation.
Charlie Rose: What do you think that you and he have in common?
Rupert Murdoch: [ he laughs heartily ] Nothing! Absolutely nothing! Steve Jobs used new media to make the world a better place, and I used OLD media to make it a much, much worse one, frankly. For example: On the day Steve unveiled the iPhone, I launched a new London tabloid called Snooper! It’s just photos of celebrities going to the bathroom. I love it!
Charlie Rose: So you could say that you and Steve Jobs are complete opposites?
Rupert Murdoch: Exactly! Steve Jobs made the iPad; it’s $500 and opens up a world of information. I make the New York Post; it’s fifty cents, and I dare you to find a full sentence in it!
Charlie Rose: Now, Steve Jobs saw the bet in people. You see people as animals.
Rupert Murdoch: Right. I was gonna say slugs, but, uh… animals is alright. [ he laughs ]
Charlie Rose: You recognize that his loss is a great one?
Rupert Murdoch: He changed the world! It’s like Jude Law said last week in a voicemail I hacked into: “today is a sad day.”
Charlie Rose: Well, that’s our show for the evening. Tomorrow on the program: Henry Kissinger and “Brown Bunny” director Vincent Gallo — not in separate interviews, both at the same time. I’m Charlie Rose. Goodbye, Steve Jobs, and thank you.[ cut to closing graphics, and fade ]