Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 4
What’s Wrong With Tanya?!
Vince Blake…..Bill Hader
Mary Jo Williams…..Vanessa Bayer
JoBeth Anderson…..Kristen Wiig
Mary Jo Beth Jojo…..Anna Faris
Boy Tanya…..Andy Samberg
Announcer: You’re watching Lifetime, tlevision for women. White women. And now, from the creators of Lifetime original movies like “What Did Becky See?” and “Where Does Brenda Go At Night?” comes the first ever Lifetime original game show. It’s time to play:[ dissolve to game show set ]
Audience: “What’s! Wrong! With! Tanya?!”
Announcer: Now here’s your host — Vince Blake!
Vince Blake: Thank you! And welcome to “What’s Wrong With Tanya?!”, the game show where mothers from Lifetime Original Movies try and guess what’s wrong with beautiful daughter Tanya. Let’s meet our contestants. First up, from Pleasant Grove — Mary Jo Williams!
Mary Jo Williams: Hello!
Vince Blake: It says here that you and your family live in a quiet town on a quiet street.
Mary Jo Williams: Nothing bad could EVER happen to us!
Vince Blake: [ ominously ] Or so it would seem… [ he grins ] Next up, from Pleasant Falls — JoBeth Anderson! It says here that your new husband has a locked drawer in his office that you’re not allowed to open.
JoBeth Anderson: [ she throws up her hands ] It’s none of my business!
Vince Blake: And, finally, from Pleasant Town — Mary Jo Beth Jojo! It says here that you have the perfect life.
Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Perfect from the outside. [ she sips a glass of Chardonnay ]
Vince Blake: [ chuckling ] Yikes! Okay, let’s, uh, go to the rules. A Lifetime Movie Tanya will walk out, and you’ll have fifty seconds to guess… what’s wrong with her.
JoBeth Anderson: [ distraught ] There’s NOTHING wrong with her!
Vince Blake: Yes… yes, there is. Alright, let’sb ring out our first Tanya![ Tanya walks out and hangs her head low ]
Vince Blake: Alright. Mothers! What is wrong… with Tanya?[ the three ladies chant “Tanya! Tanya! Tanya!”, until Mary Jo Beth Jojo finally buzzes in ]
Vince Blake: Mary Jo Beth Jojo!
Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Tanya! You’ve been gonig to those parties where girls do oral sex for bracelets![ ding! ]
Vince Blake: That’s right! That’s right! She goes to those parties, which are a real thing! Good work, Mary Jo! You won a Volvo filled with groceries! Let’s bring out our next Tanya![ Boy Tanya walks out ]
JoBeth Anderson: But it CAN’T happen to a boy!
Vince Blake: So you thought! Alright, Mothers, what’s wrong with Boy Tanya?[ the three ladies chant “Tanya! Tanya! Tanya!”, until Mary Jo Williams finally buzzes in ]
Vince Blake: Mary Jo Williams!
Mary Jo Williams: Tanya! You’re a secret stripper![ buzz! ]
Vince Blake: No![ JoBeth Anderson buzzes in ]
JoBeth Anderson: Tanya! You’re pregnant![ buzz! ]
Vince Blake: What?! No! Come on![ Mary Jo Beth Jojo buzzes in ]
Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Tanya! Your English teacher caught you cheating, so he made you take naked pictures, and now they’re online and it’s giving you an eating disorder, and, also, you can’t read![ Boy Tanya begins to cry ] [ ding! ]
Vince Blake: Alright, Mary Jo Beth Jojo! You’re in the lead with five fleece panchos for jogging! So you move to our Lightning Round. Jobeth, Mary Jo… you may watch the rest of the game while you pretend to rake leaves.[ Mary Jo Williams and JoBeth Anderson each grab a rake, as Mary Jo Beth Jojo joins Vince at the center of the stage ]
Vince Blake: [ grabbing Mary Jo Beth Jojo’s arm ] Let’s get you on your mark here…
Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Oh! You’re hurting my arm!
Vince Blake: [ yelling in her face ] WHO’S GONNA LEAVE YOU?! [ he regains his composure ] Now, in this round, I’ll say something Tanya’s doing… you either say “Yes” or scream “No!” Let’s get twenty seconds on the clock. [ he begins, as soft piano music plays ] Tanya’s back on the ssim team.
Mary Jo Beth Jojo: [ petrified ] Yes.[ ding! ]
Vince Blake: The girls at school are saying Tanya’s easy.
Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Noooo![ ding! ]
Vince Blake: Tanya has bruises on her shoulder.
Mary Jo Beth Jojo: TANYA!!
Vince Blake: Judges?[ ding! ]
Vince Blake: Tanya had a baby at Prom.
Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Noooo!![ ding! ]
Vince Blake: She named the baby “Tanya”.
Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Yes.[ ding! ]
Vince Blake: Congrats, Mary Jo Beth Jojo — you win EVERYTHING a woman could ever want.
Mary Jo Beth Jojo: But… whatever happened to Tanya?
Vince Blake: She died.
Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Oh. Well… thanks for having me!
Vince Blake: You’re not going anywhere. You’ll never leave me. [ a scary beat ] That’s our show! Stay tuend for the Lifetime Original Comedy… “Weekend at Meredith Baxter-Birney’s”! Bye![ fade ]