SNL Transcripts: Charlie Day: 11/05/11: Crime Scene


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 5

11e: Charlie Day / Maroon 5

Crime Scene

Police Officer…..Bill Hader
Crime Detective…..Charlie Day
Officer Dan Owens…..Jason Sudeikis
George Costanza…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on stock footage of police cars arriving at a city block ] [ dissolve to interior, apartment — police and other personel standing around a couch draped with a cloth ] [ a Police Officer enters the apartment with the Crime Detective ]

Police Officer: This way, Detective. [ he acknowledges a fellow officer ] Officer Dan Owens — he was first on the scene.

Crime Detective: Alright, alright, alright — I want EVERYONE out of this room! Everyone, NOW!!

Police Officer: You heard him! Everyone out, now! Come on, everyone out!

Crime Detective: [ to Officer Dan Owens ] You — stick around!

Police Officer: [ to the last of the group ] Come on! Let’s go!

[ the Police Officer exits the apartment, leaving Officer Dan Owens alone with the Crime Detective ]

Crime Detective: Alright! What do we got here, Owens?

Officer Dan Owens: Uh — well, sir, uh — the victim was a male in his 30’s, multilpe and varied stab wounds… he was found by a neighbor, uh… no forced entry, and no one heard a thing.

Crime Detective: Yeahhhh… it looks like we got ourselves a real crime of PASSION, don’t we?!

Officer Dan Owens: Yes, sir… yes, sir, we do. [ he looks around as the Detective thinks ] Hey, doesn’t this place look a lot like the “Seinfeld” apartment! That’s weird, huh?

Crime Detective: [ annoyed ] What the hell are you talking about?!

Officer Dan Owens: I — I’m just saying. You know — the couch here, the kitchen over there. It looks a lot like the — well, Jerry’s apartment from “Seinfeld”.

Crime Detective: Yeah, yeah… no, no, no, no! What’s “Seinfeld”?

Officer Dan Owens: [ taken aback ] Well, you know — the TV show.

Crime Detective: [ chomping on his cigar ] Uh, sorry, kid — I don’t own a TV.

Officer Dan Owens: Okay. But you’ve seen “Seinfeld”?

Crime Detective: HEY!! I TOLD you!! I don’t own a television!!

Officer Dan Owens: So you’ve NEVER heard of “Seinfeld”?

Crime Detective: Look, kid — I go to museums!! I read books!! I HATE TV!! I walk into a room with a television, I walk right back out!! You get it?!!

Officer Dan Owens: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I’m sorry, okay?

Crime Detective: Alright. Let’s take a looksie. [ he peeks at the corpse under the cloth ] Oooh, baby! Whoever did that really wanted him dead, huh?

Officer Dan Owens: Uh… yeah. Yeah. [ looking at a collection on the bookshelf ] Oh, man — this guy really loved baseball, huh? Look at all this memorabilia!

Crime Detective: What the hell are you talking about?

Officer Dan Owens: I’m just saying, all this stuff. It’s pretty expensive. This guy must be like a regular Bob Costas, huh?

Crime Detective: What?!

Officer Dan Owens: Oh, Bob Costas. Right. Um, he’s on TV. He, uh, he knows, like, everything about baseball.

Crime Detective: Yeah, I know. Baseball! I don’t know what you’re talking about!

Officer Dan Owens: Oh, come on!

Crime Detective: Kid! I don’t have a TV!

Officer Dan Owens: You don’t need a TV to know about BASEBALL!!

Crime Detective: Really?! Well, I must have! Because I don’t know what YOU’RE talking about!!

Officer Dan Owens: Come on! Baseball? It’s a sport! BASE BALL!

Crime Detective: Hey!! Not once has this so-called “BASE BALL” ever helped me solve a crime!! So can we stay on target?!

Officer Dan Owens: Sure.

Crime Detective: Hey, back up! Look at this!

Officer Dan Owens: What?

Crime Detective: Ohhh, it looks like we got a murder weapon right here, huh? [ he leans over and picks up a knife ] Look at that!

Officer Dan Owens: Oh, boy, look at that! It looks a bayoney from World War II, right?

Crime Detective: What’s that, another TV show?

Officer Dan Owens: WHAT?! Come on! World War II?!

Crime Detective: Hey, Terd-box! I don’t own a television!!

Officer Dan Owens: You’re telling me you’ve NEVER heard of World War II?!

Crime Detective: BINGO!!

Officer Dan Owens: Come on!! Adolph Hitler?!!

Crime Detective: What’s he, another one of your “Fieldstein” characters?!

Officer Dan Owens: NOOO!!! It’s “SEINFELD”!! And he killed MILLIONS of people!!

Crime Detective: Yeah, well, unless your buddy Hitler killed THIS guy, I suggest we move on!

Officer Dan Owens: Okay, fine! Alright, fine, okay. So no forced entry, no sign of a struggle — maybe the two people knew each other, right?

Crime Detective: Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, right! Like a neighbor, right?

Officer Dan Owens: Yeah!

Crime Detective: Like, someone who owns a key, comes over a lot.

Officer Dan Owens: Yeah.

Crime Detective: Let me think, let me think… So he comes in the door, right?

Officer Dan Owens: Yeah. Okay.

Crime Detective: [ he exits the apartment ] And he walsk in like this: [ he opens the door and bursts through like Kramer ]

Officer Dan Owens: OH, COME ON!!

Crime Detective: What?!

Officer Dan Owens: YOU’RE DOING KRAMER!!

Crime Detective: What?!

Officer Dan Owens: [ laughing ] You’re doing Kramer!!

Crime Detective: I don’t know what you’re talking about! [ he turns around and bugs out like Kramer at the sight of two soup bowls ]

Officer Dan Owens: Oh! Come on!

Crime Detective: There’s two bowls of soup right here!

Officer Dan Owens: So, alright — so?

Crime Detective: So one’s empty… and one’s completely untouched!

Officer Dan Owens: So, what — you think someone didn’t like his soup and killed him over it?

Crime Detective: [ thinking ] What, like some kind of soup Nazi?

Officer Dan Owens: [ outraged ] NO!!

Crime Detective: What?!

Officer Dan Owens: You just referenced a “Seinfeld” episode AND Hitler’s political party that took over HALF of Europe!!

Crime Detective: [ confused ] You’re a what, now?

Officer Dan Owens: [ flabbergasted ] Oh, give me a break!!

Crime Detective: Hey, kid!! I’m trying to solve a CRIME here, alright?! We got NO clues, NO suspects, NO witnesses! LOOK — it’s the bottom of the Ninth, Owens, we need a… a… a GRAND SALM!!

Officer Dan Owens: HEY!! That’s BASEBALL!!

Crime Detective: No, that’s COP TALK!!

Officer Dan Owens: Oh, give me a break! This is ridiculous!

[ suddenly, George Costanza emerges from the bedroom, clutching a knife ]

George Costanzae: DIE, JERRY!!

[ George lunges toward Officer Dan Owens, but the Crime Detective punches him down ]

Crime Detective: Look out!!

Officer Dan Owens: Oh, my God…

Crime Detective: Yeah, it looks like we got our perp, huh?

Officer Dan Owens: You saved my life!

Crime Detective: Yeah…

Officer Dan Owens: I can’t beleive it! Thank you! Thank you so much!

Crime Detective: Ah, you know, that’s… that’s something you don’t learn on Tv.

[ the Crime Detective removes a pair of sunglasses from under his voat and puts them on his eyes, as The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again” from “CSI: Miami” blares ]

Officer Dan Owens: [ dumbfounded ] What the hell?!

Crime Detective: Well, that’s “CSI: Miami”. I watch “CSI”!

Officer Dan Owens: Okay, I’m out of here, forget it! [ he exits the apartment ]

Crime Detective: I watch it on iTunes!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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