SNL Transcripts: Charlie Day: 11/05/11: Crime Scene

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 5

11e: Charlie Day / Maroon 5

Crime Scene

Police Officer…..Bill Hader
Crime Detective…..Charlie Day
Officer Dan Owens…..Jason Sudeikis
George Costanza…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on stock footage of police cars arriving at a city block ] [ dissolve to interior, apartment — police and other personel standing around a couch draped with a cloth ] [ a Police Officer enters the apartment with the Crime Detective ]

Police Officer: This way, Detective. [ he acknowledges a fellow officer ] Officer Dan Owens — he was first on the scene.

Crime Detective: Alright, alright, alright — I want EVERYONE out of this room! Everyone, NOW!!

Police Officer: You heard him! Everyone out, now! Come on, everyone out!

Crime Detective: [ to Officer Dan Owens ] You — stick around!

Police Officer: [ to the last of the group ] Come on! Let’s go!

[ the Police Officer exits the apartment, leaving Officer Dan Owens alone with the Crime Detective ]

Crime Detective: Alright! What do we got here, Owens?

Officer Dan Owens: Uh — well, sir, uh — the victim was a male in his 30’s, multilpe and varied stab wounds… he was found by a neighbor, uh… no forced entry, and no one heard a thing.

Crime Detective: Yeahhhh… it looks like we got ourselves a real crime of PASSION, don’t we?!

Officer Dan Owens: Yes, sir… yes, sir, we do. [ he looks around as the Detective thinks ] Hey, doesn’t this place look a lot like the “Seinfeld” apartment! That’s weird, huh?

Crime Detective: [ annoyed ] What the hell are you talking about?!

Officer Dan Owens: I — I’m just saying. You know — the couch here, the kitchen over there. It looks a lot like the — well, Jerry’s apartment from “Seinfeld”.

Crime Detective: Yeah, yeah… no, no, no, no! What’s “Seinfeld”?

Officer Dan Owens: [ taken aback ] Well, you know — the TV show.

Crime Detective: [ chomping on his cigar ] Uh, sorry, kid — I don’t own a TV.

Officer Dan Owens: Okay. But you’ve seen “Seinfeld”?

Crime Detective: HEY!! I TOLD you!! I don’t own a television!!

Officer Dan Owens: So you’ve NEVER heard of “Seinfeld”?

Crime Detective: Look, kid — I go to museums!! I read books!! I HATE TV!! I walk into a room with a television, I walk right back out!! You get it?!!

Officer Dan Owens: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I’m sorry, okay?

Crime Detective: Alright. Let’s take a looksie. [ he peeks at the corpse under the cloth ] Oooh, baby! Whoever did that really wanted him dead, huh?

Officer Dan Owens: Uh… yeah. Yeah. [ looking at a collection on the bookshelf ] Oh, man — this guy really loved baseball, huh? Look at all this memorabilia!

Crime Detective: What the hell are you talking about?

Officer Dan Owens: I’m just saying, all this stuff. It’s pretty expensive. This guy must be like a regular Bob Costas, huh?

Crime Detective: What?!

Officer Dan Owens: Oh, Bob Costas. Right. Um, he’s on TV. He, uh, he knows, like, everything about baseball.

Crime Detective: Yeah, I know. Baseball! I don’t know what you’re talking about!

Officer Dan Owens: Oh, come on!

Crime Detective: Kid! I don’t have a TV!

Officer Dan Owens: You don’t need a TV to know about BASEBALL!!

Crime Detective: Really?! Well, I must have! Because I don’t know what YOU’RE talking about!!

Officer Dan Owens: Come on! Baseball? It’s a sport! BASE BALL!

Crime Detective: Hey!! Not once has this so-called “BASE BALL” ever helped me solve a crime!! So can we stay on target?!

Officer Dan Owens: Sure.

Crime Detective: Hey, back up! Look at this!

Officer Dan Owens: What?

Crime Detective: Ohhh, it looks like we got a murder weapon right here, huh? [ he leans over and picks up a knife ] Look at that!

Officer Dan Owens: Oh, boy, look at that! It looks a bayoney from World War II, right?

Crime Detective: What’s that, another TV show?

Officer Dan Owens: WHAT?! Come on! World War II?!

Crime Detective: Hey, Terd-box! I don’t own a television!!

Officer Dan Owens: You’re telling me you’ve NEVER heard of World War II?!

Crime Detective: BINGO!!

Officer Dan Owens: Come on!! Adolph Hitler?!!

Crime Detective: What’s he, another one of your “Fieldstein” characters?!

Officer Dan Owens: NOOO!!! It’s “SEINFELD”!! And he killed MILLIONS of people!!

Crime Detective: Yeah, well, unless your buddy Hitler killed THIS guy, I suggest we move on!

Officer Dan Owens: Okay, fine! Alright, fine, okay. So no forced entry, no sign of a struggle — maybe the two people knew each other, right?

Crime Detective: Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, right! Like a neighbor, right?

Officer Dan Owens: Yeah!

Crime Detective: Like, someone who owns a key, comes over a lot.

Officer Dan Owens: Yeah.

Crime Detective: Let me think, let me think… So he comes in the door, right?

Officer Dan Owens: Yeah. Okay.

Crime Detective: [ he exits the apartment ] And he walsk in like this: [ he opens the door and bursts through like Kramer ]

Officer Dan Owens: OH, COME ON!!

Crime Detective: What?!

Officer Dan Owens: YOU’RE DOING KRAMER!!

Crime Detective: What?!

Officer Dan Owens: [ laughing ] You’re doing Kramer!!

Crime Detective: I don’t know what you’re talking about! [ he turns around and bugs out like Kramer at the sight of two soup bowls ]

Officer Dan Owens: Oh! Come on!

Crime Detective: There’s two bowls of soup right here!

Officer Dan Owens: So, alright — so?

Crime Detective: So one’s empty… and one’s completely untouched!

Officer Dan Owens: So, what — you think someone didn’t like his soup and killed him over it?

Crime Detective: [ thinking ] What, like some kind of soup Nazi?

Officer Dan Owens: [ outraged ] NO!!

Crime Detective: What?!

Officer Dan Owens: You just referenced a “Seinfeld” episode AND Hitler’s political party that took over HALF of Europe!!

Crime Detective: [ confused ] You’re a what, now?

Officer Dan Owens: [ flabbergasted ] Oh, give me a break!!

Crime Detective: Hey, kid!! I’m trying to solve a CRIME here, alright?! We got NO clues, NO suspects, NO witnesses! LOOK — it’s the bottom of the Ninth, Owens, we need a… a… a GRAND SALM!!

Officer Dan Owens: HEY!! That’s BASEBALL!!

Crime Detective: No, that’s COP TALK!!

Officer Dan Owens: Oh, give me a break! This is ridiculous!

[ suddenly, George Costanza emerges from the bedroom, clutching a knife ]

George Costanzae: DIE, JERRY!!

[ George lunges toward Officer Dan Owens, but the Crime Detective punches him down ]

Crime Detective: Look out!!

Officer Dan Owens: Oh, my God…

Crime Detective: Yeah, it looks like we got our perp, huh?

Officer Dan Owens: You saved my life!

Crime Detective: Yeah…

Officer Dan Owens: I can’t beleive it! Thank you! Thank you so much!

Crime Detective: Ah, you know, that’s… that’s something you don’t learn on Tv.

[ the Crime Detective removes a pair of sunglasses from under his voat and puts them on his eyes, as The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again” from “CSI: Miami” blares ]

Officer Dan Owens: [ dumbfounded ] What the hell?!

Crime Detective: Well, that’s “CSI: Miami”. I watch “CSI”!

Officer Dan Owens: Okay, I’m out of here, forget it! [ he exits the apartment ]

Crime Detective: I watch it on iTunes!

[ fade ]

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