Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 5
Crime Scene
Police Officer…..Bill Hader
Crime Detective…..Charlie Day
Officer Dan Owens…..Jason Sudeikis
George Costanza…..Bobby Moynihan
Police Officer: This way, Detective. [ he acknowledges a fellow officer ] Officer Dan Owens — he was first on the scene.
Crime Detective: Alright, alright, alright — I want EVERYONE out of this room! Everyone, NOW!!
Police Officer: You heard him! Everyone out, now! Come on, everyone out!
Crime Detective: [ to Officer Dan Owens ] You — stick around!
Police Officer: [ to the last of the group ] Come on! Let’s go!
[ the Police Officer exits the apartment, leaving Officer Dan Owens alone with the Crime Detective ]Crime Detective: Alright! What do we got here, Owens?
Officer Dan Owens: Uh — well, sir, uh — the victim was a male in his 30’s, multilpe and varied stab wounds… he was found by a neighbor, uh… no forced entry, and no one heard a thing.
Crime Detective: Yeahhhh… it looks like we got ourselves a real crime of PASSION, don’t we?!
Officer Dan Owens: Yes, sir… yes, sir, we do. [ he looks around as the Detective thinks ] Hey, doesn’t this place look a lot like the “Seinfeld” apartment! That’s weird, huh?
Crime Detective: [ annoyed ] What the hell are you talking about?!
Officer Dan Owens: I — I’m just saying. You know — the couch here, the kitchen over there. It looks a lot like the — well, Jerry’s apartment from “Seinfeld”.
Crime Detective: Yeah, yeah… no, no, no, no! What’s “Seinfeld”?
Officer Dan Owens: [ taken aback ] Well, you know — the TV show.
Crime Detective: [ chomping on his cigar ] Uh, sorry, kid — I don’t own a TV.
Officer Dan Owens: Okay. But you’ve seen “Seinfeld”?
Crime Detective: HEY!! I TOLD you!! I don’t own a television!!
Officer Dan Owens: So you’ve NEVER heard of “Seinfeld”?
Crime Detective: Look, kid — I go to museums!! I read books!! I HATE TV!! I walk into a room with a television, I walk right back out!! You get it?!!
Officer Dan Owens: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I’m sorry, okay?
Crime Detective: Alright. Let’s take a looksie. [ he peeks at the corpse under the cloth ] Oooh, baby! Whoever did that really wanted him dead, huh?
Officer Dan Owens: Uh… yeah. Yeah. [ looking at a collection on the bookshelf ] Oh, man — this guy really loved baseball, huh? Look at all this memorabilia!
Crime Detective: What the hell are you talking about?
Officer Dan Owens: I’m just saying, all this stuff. It’s pretty expensive. This guy must be like a regular Bob Costas, huh?
Crime Detective: What?!
Officer Dan Owens: Oh, Bob Costas. Right. Um, he’s on TV. He, uh, he knows, like, everything about baseball.
Crime Detective: Yeah, I know. Baseball! I don’t know what you’re talking about!
Officer Dan Owens: Oh, come on!
Crime Detective: Kid! I don’t have a TV!
Officer Dan Owens: You don’t need a TV to know about BASEBALL!!
Crime Detective: Really?! Well, I must have! Because I don’t know what YOU’RE talking about!!
Officer Dan Owens: Come on! Baseball? It’s a sport! BASE BALL!
Crime Detective: Hey!! Not once has this so-called “BASE BALL” ever helped me solve a crime!! So can we stay on target?!
Officer Dan Owens: Sure.
Crime Detective: Hey, back up! Look at this!
Officer Dan Owens: What?
Crime Detective: Ohhh, it looks like we got a murder weapon right here, huh? [ he leans over and picks up a knife ] Look at that!
Officer Dan Owens: Oh, boy, look at that! It looks a bayoney from World War II, right?
Crime Detective: What’s that, another TV show?
Officer Dan Owens: WHAT?! Come on! World War II?!
Crime Detective: Hey, Terd-box! I don’t own a television!!
Officer Dan Owens: You’re telling me you’ve NEVER heard of World War II?!
Crime Detective: BINGO!!
Officer Dan Owens: Come on!! Adolph Hitler?!!
Crime Detective: What’s he, another one of your “Fieldstein” characters?!
Officer Dan Owens: NOOO!!! It’s “SEINFELD”!! And he killed MILLIONS of people!!
Crime Detective: Yeah, well, unless your buddy Hitler killed THIS guy, I suggest we move on!
Officer Dan Owens: Okay, fine! Alright, fine, okay. So no forced entry, no sign of a struggle — maybe the two people knew each other, right?
Crime Detective: Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, right! Like a neighbor, right?
Officer Dan Owens: Yeah!
Crime Detective: Like, someone who owns a key, comes over a lot.
Officer Dan Owens: Yeah.
Crime Detective: Let me think, let me think… So he comes in the door, right?
Officer Dan Owens: Yeah. Okay.
Crime Detective: [ he exits the apartment ] And he walsk in like this: [ he opens the door and bursts through like Kramer ]
Officer Dan Owens: OH, COME ON!!
Crime Detective: What?!
Officer Dan Owens: YOU’RE DOING KRAMER!!
Crime Detective: What?!
Officer Dan Owens: [ laughing ] You’re doing Kramer!!
Crime Detective: I don’t know what you’re talking about! [ he turns around and bugs out like Kramer at the sight of two soup bowls ]
Officer Dan Owens: Oh! Come on!
Crime Detective: There’s two bowls of soup right here!
Officer Dan Owens: So, alright — so?
Crime Detective: So one’s empty… and one’s completely untouched!
Officer Dan Owens: So, what — you think someone didn’t like his soup and killed him over it?
Crime Detective: [ thinking ] What, like some kind of soup Nazi?
Officer Dan Owens: [ outraged ] NO!!
Crime Detective: What?!
Officer Dan Owens: You just referenced a “Seinfeld” episode AND Hitler’s political party that took over HALF of Europe!!
Crime Detective: [ confused ] You’re a what, now?
Officer Dan Owens: [ flabbergasted ] Oh, give me a break!!
Crime Detective: Hey, kid!! I’m trying to solve a CRIME here, alright?! We got NO clues, NO suspects, NO witnesses! LOOK — it’s the bottom of the Ninth, Owens, we need a… a… a GRAND SALM!!
Officer Dan Owens: HEY!! That’s BASEBALL!!
Crime Detective: No, that’s COP TALK!!
Officer Dan Owens: Oh, give me a break! This is ridiculous!
[ suddenly, George Costanza emerges from the bedroom, clutching a knife ]George Costanzae: DIE, JERRY!!
[ George lunges toward Officer Dan Owens, but the Crime Detective punches him down ]Crime Detective: Look out!!
Officer Dan Owens: Oh, my God…
Crime Detective: Yeah, it looks like we got our perp, huh?
Officer Dan Owens: You saved my life!
Crime Detective: Yeah…
Officer Dan Owens: I can’t beleive it! Thank you! Thank you so much!
Crime Detective: Ah, you know, that’s… that’s something you don’t learn on Tv.
[ the Crime Detective removes a pair of sunglasses from under his voat and puts them on his eyes, as The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again” from “CSI: Miami” blares ]Officer Dan Owens: [ dumbfounded ] What the hell?!
Crime Detective: Well, that’s “CSI: Miami”. I watch “CSI”!
Officer Dan Owens: Okay, I’m out of here, forget it! [ he exits the apartment ]
Crime Detective: I watch it on iTunes!
[ fade ]