Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 5
The Dr. Oz Show
Dr. Mehmet Oz…..Bill Hader
Kenny Hayes…..Charlie Day
[ open on “Dr. Oz” graphics ] [ dissolve to set ]
Dr. Oz: Welcome back! Welcome back to “The Dr. Oz Show”. I want to correct something I said on the last segment about home remedies — I meant to say “Vinegar and water douche”; not “Vinegar and oil.” That would be bad, ladies and gentlemen. Okay, this is the part of the show where the audience gets to ask their medical questions. So who’s got one? Who’s got a question? [ almost every audience member raises their hand, except for one man ] You, sir! You, sir.
Kenny Hayes: Oh. No, I-I-I-I’m good! I’m good!
Dr. Oz: No, come on. Don’t be embarrassed. What’s your name?
Kenny Hayes: Well, it’s Kenny… but I don’t really want to talk about it.
Dr. Oz: Oh, come on, get up. I bet there are people in this audience who are having the same problem as you, and would appreciate your courage. Okay? [ to the audience ] Am I right? Am I right?[ the audience claps ]
Kenny Hayes: Uh… well, a few years ago, I-I broke my tailbone skiing —
Dr. Oz: Oooooh… there’s a lot of NERVES in your tailbone, everybody — a lot of NERVES. A lot of nerves. Go ahead, Kenny.
Kenny Hayes: Alright, well… I noticed I’ve been having problems with my, uh… [ he coughs ] my evacuations.
Dr. Oz: You’re talking about your BOWEL movements! You’re talking about your bowel movements.
Kenny Hayes: [ embarrassed ] Yeah.
Dr. Oz: Okay. So you can’t always tell if your train’s going through the station or not, right?
Kenny Hayes: Yeah. Th-th-that’s exactly right…
Dr. Oz: You’re not alone. You’re not alone. Thousands of people share the experience, and there’s actually a name for it — you have what’s commonly called…a “dead rectum”. Okay, let me hear you saiy it, Kenny: “I have a dead rectum.”
Kenny Hayes: “I have a dead rectum.”
Dr. Oz: Okay, okay. Who else in the audience also has a dead rectum? Who else? Who else? [ nobody raises their hand ] Nobody? See, Kenny? Okay, okay. Well, you’re in luck! Okay? I got something I want to show you. Come over here. Come over here.
Kenny Hayes: I’m okay…
Dr. Oz: Audience? Come on![ the audience cheers Kenny forward ]
Dr. Oz: Okay — [ he flips a cloth back ] THIS is a healthy human rectum.
Kenny Hayes: No, no…
Dr. Oz: I want to thank a doctor friend of mine in China for hooking me up with so many of these great body parts you see on the show. He knows who he is! [ he winks ] Okay. Okay, now, Kenny — I want you to hold this rectum up to your face.
Kenny Hayes: [ he flinches ] No, I — I really don’t want to do that.
Dr. Oz: Oh, come on, do it! It’s not gonna bite you, buddy. Come on, do it. It’s alright. Okay. To pull up some confusion, here’s what we’re gonna do: I’m gonna pinch this end, and I want you to BLOW into the rectum. Okay? Can we get a close-up of this, please? Can we get a close-up? [ cut to close-up ] Okay, now blow into it, buddy. Come on, it’s not gonna bite you. Get in there. [ Kenny blows into the rectum ] There you go! That’s good. Okay, now that… is a normal rectum. It tightens old fecal matter. And so you’re ready to get rid of it, but, in your case, it just falls right out.
Kenny Hayes: What?! My rectum doesn’t fall right out!
Dr. Oz: In other words… if your rectum is a musical instrument, a healthy one would sound like this: [ he toots his lips like a trumpet ] But yours… sounds like a ship horn: [ he makes a loud noise ] I’m still not sure you’re getting it, Kenny.
Kenny Hayes: [ embarrassed ] No, I got it! Okay, let’s move on!
Dr. Oz: No, no, no, no, no! I want to make it real clear. I want you to put this on: [ he puts a hat on Kenny’s head ] This is gonna clear things up. Okay, I’m gonna put this on you. [ he puts a sign labeled “POOP” over Kenny ] Okay? Alright.
Kenny Hayes: Don’t you have, like, you know, graphics you can use for this?
Dr. Oz: Yes, I do. Yes, I do. Okay, okay. You’re gonna play the role of your own poop, okay? And over here is your dead rectum. [ he pushes Kenny toward a long pink tube ] Okay, I want you to walk through here — I’m gonna show you something. I want to show you something. Now, walk — go through the end and come through. [ Kenny steps into the tube and walks ] Now watch as the poop goes through the dead rectum… right through there, right into his boxer shorts. Just like that! [ he puts a pair of boxer shorts over Kenny’s head ] Audience — this is what happens to this guy all the time.
Kenny Hayes: [ embarrassed ] No, it doesn’t happen all the time!
Dr. Oz: It just happened right, now, didn’t it?
Kenny Hayes: No, it didn’t happen just now!
Dr. Oz: Kenny… I announced it. But there is a medical solution. You go home, get in the shower… [ he babbles nonsense words ]
Kenny Hayes: That was just GIBBERISH!
Dr. Oz: Yeah. everybody, you just watched Kenny Hayes crap himself on live television. I hope your Tivos were set. We’ll be right back.
Kenny Hayes: How do you know my last name?![ cut to promo slide: “Well Be Right Back with Kenny “The Poop Man” Hayes” ] [ fade ]