Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 5
Zeus: Order! Order, order! I, Zeus, King of the Gods, have summoned you all to Mount Olympus because, somehow, the Greek economy has collapsed! [ the other Greek gods express their shock ] I know! No, I know! I was as surprised as you are! I mean, after all, the Greeks are widely known as a hard-working, industrious people — you know, a people willing to labor week in and week out, three days a week, one hour a day until the age of 45. But today, we Gods must come to their aid. So, quick — let us hear from the Greek God of Finance! [ the other gods look around ] Wait… there is a Greek God of Finance, right? There has to be! Surely, someone has been looking after the economy all these years! Ares! Isn’t Finance part of your sphere?
Ares: No! I, Ares, am the God of War, Violence, and Bloodlust!
Zeus: [ dumbstruck ] All three? Wow! Great range! Athena — what about you?
Athena: I am also War.
Zeus: Okay… hold on. So, basically, we have two gods of War, huh?
Athena: I’m also god of Wisdom.
Zeus: Okay, great! Perfect! Okay, then, give us your wisdom.
Athena: We could go to war.[ the other gods cheer ]
Zeus: No! No! Easy, you animals! We’re not going to war! We can figure this out! Apollo! Apollo — don’t you dabble in Finance?
Apollo: [ wearing dark sunglasses ] Nah, baby… I’m all about the sun!
Zeus: Hmm… Apollo, I keep telling you — you gotta wear sunblock.
Apollo: Man… what are you talking about, baby? [ he lifts his sunglasses to reveal white skin around his eyes ]
Zeus: [ he rolls his eyes ] Artemis — what about you?
Artemis: I am Goddess of the Hunt!
Zeus: Mmm-hmm. So, basically, also War?
Artemis: But I ‘malso Queen of the Animals! And I’ve never told anyone this, but I’m ALSO a VIRGIN!!
Zeus: [ laughing ] Yeah! Yeah, no kidding! Alright, okay. [pointing ] And, I’m sorry, who are you again?
Demeter: I am Demeter, Goddess of the Harvest, and I am not a virgin. [ he winks ]
Zeus: Uh — what about you, Poseidon, God of the Ocean? Surely, you’ve dealt with sea trade and international commerce — you know. Do you have an economic plan?
Poseidon: Okay, here’s the plan: I turn into a dolphin — hear me out! I have sex with a human woman — hear me out! It’s not consensual — hear me out! [ he pauses ] She’s my daughter.
Zeus: [ laughing ] Oh, man, you dirty dog!
Poseidon: [ laughing ] Ohhhh! You’re gonna bust my balls, Zeus?
Zeus: [ laughing ] You got me! No, man — I turn into animals that have sex with chicks ALL the time! I’m like Tiger Woods, only an actual tiger!
Hera: Ahem! [ she taps her staff ]
Zeus: [ stunned ] Crap! It’s my wife — Hera. [ coolly ] Hey, baby! Hey. I was just, uh, totally being faithful, you know? What’s up?
Hera: [ she sighs ] Have you dealt with the financial crisis yet?
Zeus: Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, pretty much, yeah, we got it. [ an arrow hits him in the chest ] Hey! Eros! cool it, pal!
Eros: [ poty-faced ] Sowwy.
Zeus: Hey, Aphrodite! Keep your son in check!
Aphrodite: Please. He’s your son, too.
Zeus: [ stone-faced, turns to Hera ] Whaaat?! What?! No, she’s kidding! Come on! Come on, she’s the Goddess of Laughs, that one! [ he laughs ]
Hera: Okay, well… you’re not the only one having affairs. I just had sex with a dlophin. [ Poseidon is now stone-faced ] Though, it was disappointing.
Poseidon: Yeah… well… the dolphin told me to tell you… that the ocean was really cold. So… that explains it. Besides…
Hera: Also, I need to go to the doctor because I got actual crabs.
Zeus: Oh. Yeah. Okay. [ Hera leaves ] See ya’! [ to the other gods ] Okay, financial solutions! We need ’em, who’s got ’em? Hermes!
Hermes: Yeah, uhhhh, I could send them a message!
Zeus: [ he shakes his head ] You’re the WORST! Yuo really are the worst. You’re TERRIBLE! Hades! God of the Underworld! What have you got?
Hades: We could just kill everyone. I don’t know — I only do ONE thing.
Zeus: Yeah, I know! I know, I know… I don’t even know why I asked. Maybe it’s time for Zoloft, buddy. Alright? Okay, uh, who else? What about the Greek God of music — Yanni?[ reveal Yanni playing on keyboards as the wind whips through his hair ]
Zeus: [ he rolls his eyes ] Okay, that was helpful. Dionysus! Where’s Dionysus, the god of Festivals and Drunkeness? Is he here?[ Dionysus runs in ]
Dionysus: Oh! Yeah! Hey! [ laughing ] Oh, man, sorry I’m late! You know — orgy stuff!
Dionysus: Yeah, I had, like, ten orgies!
Dionysus: Demeter knows what I’m talking about!
Demeter: [ laughing ] Shut up!
Dionysus: By the way — Athena? You were great last night.
Athena: [ confused ] Uh — what was last night?
Dionysus: When you turned into a goat! Yeah? [ alarmed ] What, did you not turn into a goat?
Dionysus: So I just banged a regular goat?
Zeus: [ laughing ] Yeah!
Dionysus: [ he shrugs it off ] I’ve done worse! [ they laugh ] So what’s up, guys?
Zeus: you know — we’re just trying to find out which god is in charge of Finance.
Hermes: It’s the PARTY God’s fault, Zeus! He’s been overseeing ALL the Greek banks!
Dionysus: Hey, SHUT UP, you little BITCH!
Zeus: Yeah, SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE BITCH!! By my own beard, is this true?
Dionysus: Well, kinda…
Dionysus: You know… I mean, look, I’ve been dealing with the spending part, you know? I’ve got the spending part of the economy — I’ve got that mastered. You know — spending!
Dionysus: What’s the other part?
Zeus: Uh — saving.
Dionysus: Ohhhhh!! [ laughing ] No, I didn’t do that! I didn’t do that part, man!
Zeus: Well, then you leave me no choice. I summon Klaus, the German God of Prudence and Austerity!
Klaus: [ enters, weilding a wooden hammer ] Okay. Listen up — I will lend you zis money, but first you must take some some responsibility and make some serious cutbacks! Ya?[ the other gods object ]
Zeus: No way! Sorry, Klaus. Now, either you give us the money, or we take ALL of Europe down with us. I mean, we started democracy, we can end it.
Klaus: Okay, fine![ the gods cheer ] [ cut to spinning newspaper, with headline: “Greece Gets Bailout” ] [ zoom in on sub-headline: “Vows to Spend It Unwisely” ] [ fade ]