SNL Transcripts: Charlie Day: 11/05/11: Kim’s Fairy Tale Divorce

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 5

11e: Charlie Day / Maroon 5

Kim’s Fairy Tale Divorce

Kim Kardashian…..Nasim Pedrad
Kris Jenner…..Kristen Wiig
Chris Humphries…..Andy Samberg
Kortney Kardashian…..Vanessa Bayer
Khloe Kardashian…..Abby Elliott
Bruce Jenner…..Taran Killam
Ken Harris…..Charlie Day
Lamar Odom…..Jay Pharoah

[ open on wedding day footage ]

Announcer: They already stole your heart. Now, get ready for the LATEST Kardashian event.

[ cut to Kim Kardashian ]

Kim Kardashian: Whoopsees, I got divorced!

[ dissolve to title slide ]

Announcer: “Kim’s Fairytale Divorce”.

[ dissolve to Kris Jenner ]

Kris Jenner: Can you believe I’m old enough to have a daughter who’s getting divorced? No, you can’t — because my surgeries worked! I know a lot of people think that Kim got married just to earn over $17 million from the wedding, but that’s not true — she also got married for attention. [ she laughs ] What do I have to do for attention? [ a beat ] Kill somebody?

Announcer: Tune in for a storybook ceremony, as Kim Kardashian and Chris Humphries [ he yawns ] sign their divorce papers.

[ close-up of Chris signing with an “X” ]

Kim Kardashian: You guys… it’s been really hard. All week, we’ve jsut been crying and crying and posing and crying and getting our anuses bleached.

Kourtney Kardashian: When we get two, the third anus is free.

Khloe Kardashian: I get the free one!

Kris Jenner: [ pops her head up ] I know, right! [ she smiles ] FOUR sisters!

Announcer: Stepdad Bruce Jenner will walk her down the aisle.

Bruce Jenner: [ through heavily-Botoxed face ] When I heard my Kim was getting married, I was so happy my face was like… [ he gives his best look of surprise ] But when I heard she was getting divorced, it broke my heart… my face was like… [ he gives the same face, unable to cotort it any differently ] [ dissolve to wedding guests crying, Bruce Jenner doing so with the aid of applied eyedrops ]

Announcer: Be there for the magical moment, when Kim and Chris reach a fair financial settlement.

[ dissolve to Divorce Attorney Ken Harris eating auderbs ]

Ken Harris: I’ve handled, like, over 200 divorces, right? But this is the BEST one I’ve EVER seen! Alright? They gave me this great suit, I got to ride in on a white horse, okay? Unreal! They’ve got scallops wrapped in bacon, the bacon — look at this! — wrapped in hundred-dollar bills!

[ dissolve to footage of the family dancing and having a great time ]

Announcer: Join the Kardashians, as they cope with the pain of divorce ALL NIGHT LONG.

[ show Earth, Wind & Fire playing ] [ dissolve to Lamar Odom, Khloe’s Husband ]

Lamar Odom: This family is weird! I mean, when they go out to dinner it’s all of them: The mom, the kids, and their grandma — Bruce Jenner. You know. It’s whackin’ fucked up!

Announcer: We may even hear from Chris Humphries…

[ dissolve to Chris Humphries ]

Chris Humphries: [ open-mouthed ] Uhhhhhh —

[ dissolve to family group photo at the divorce ] [ dissolve to Kim Kardashian ]

Kim Kardashian: Marriages are hard… and it turns out Chris was only half the man I wanted him to be. And by that, I mean he was only half-Black. But things are looking up for me — I’m single and there’s an NBA lockout. Wink!

[ dissolve to the three Kardashian sisters smiling, as Kris Jenenr rises up to include herself ino the group shot ]

Announcer: Don’t miss the Kardashian Family Divorce. Followed by all-new episodes of “Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami”, “Bruce Jenner & Kourtney’s Baby Take Reno”, “Brody Jenner, Khloe & Kris Take Vitamins”, and the one-hour teleision special “Lamar’s Penis Revealed”.

[ dissolve to Bruce Jenner ]

Bruce Jenner: [ with no facial movement ] Only on E!

[ fade ]

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