SNL Transcripts: Charlie Day: 11/05/11: Kim’s Fairy Tale Divorce


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 5

11e: Charlie Day / Maroon 5

Kim’s Fairy Tale Divorce

Kim Kardashian…..Nasim Pedrad
Kris Jenner…..Kristen Wiig
Chris Humphries…..Andy Samberg
Kortney Kardashian…..Vanessa Bayer
Khloe Kardashian…..Abby Elliott
Bruce Jenner…..Taran Killam
Ken Harris…..Charlie Day
Lamar Odom…..Jay Pharoah

[ open on wedding day footage ]

Announcer: They already stole your heart. Now, get ready for the LATEST Kardashian event.

[ cut to Kim Kardashian ]

Kim Kardashian: Whoopsees, I got divorced!

[ dissolve to title slide ]

Announcer: “Kim’s Fairytale Divorce”.

[ dissolve to Kris Jenner ]

Kris Jenner: Can you believe I’m old enough to have a daughter who’s getting divorced? No, you can’t — because my surgeries worked! I know a lot of people think that Kim got married just to earn over $17 million from the wedding, but that’s not true — she also got married for attention. [ she laughs ] What do I have to do for attention? [ a beat ] Kill somebody?

Announcer: Tune in for a storybook ceremony, as Kim Kardashian and Chris Humphries [ he yawns ] sign their divorce papers.

[ close-up of Chris signing with an “X” ]

Kim Kardashian: You guys… it’s been really hard. All week, we’ve jsut been crying and crying and posing and crying and getting our anuses bleached.

Kourtney Kardashian: When we get two, the third anus is free.

Khloe Kardashian: I get the free one!

Kris Jenner: [ pops her head up ] I know, right! [ she smiles ] FOUR sisters!

Announcer: Stepdad Bruce Jenner will walk her down the aisle.

Bruce Jenner: [ through heavily-Botoxed face ] When I heard my Kim was getting married, I was so happy my face was like… [ he gives his best look of surprise ] But when I heard she was getting divorced, it broke my heart… my face was like… [ he gives the same face, unable to cotort it any differently ] [ dissolve to wedding guests crying, Bruce Jenner doing so with the aid of applied eyedrops ]

Announcer: Be there for the magical moment, when Kim and Chris reach a fair financial settlement.

[ dissolve to Divorce Attorney Ken Harris eating auderbs ]

Ken Harris: I’ve handled, like, over 200 divorces, right? But this is the BEST one I’ve EVER seen! Alright? They gave me this great suit, I got to ride in on a white horse, okay? Unreal! They’ve got scallops wrapped in bacon, the bacon — look at this! — wrapped in hundred-dollar bills!

[ dissolve to footage of the family dancing and having a great time ]

Announcer: Join the Kardashians, as they cope with the pain of divorce ALL NIGHT LONG.

[ show Earth, Wind & Fire playing ] [ dissolve to Lamar Odom, Khloe’s Husband ]

Lamar Odom: This family is weird! I mean, when they go out to dinner it’s all of them: The mom, the kids, and their grandma — Bruce Jenner. You know. It’s whackin’ fucked up!

Announcer: We may even hear from Chris Humphries…

[ dissolve to Chris Humphries ]

Chris Humphries: [ open-mouthed ] Uhhhhhh —

[ dissolve to family group photo at the divorce ] [ dissolve to Kim Kardashian ]

Kim Kardashian: Marriages are hard… and it turns out Chris was only half the man I wanted him to be. And by that, I mean he was only half-Black. But things are looking up for me — I’m single and there’s an NBA lockout. Wink!

[ dissolve to the three Kardashian sisters smiling, as Kris Jenenr rises up to include herself ino the group shot ]

Announcer: Don’t miss the Kardashian Family Divorce. Followed by all-new episodes of “Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami”, “Bruce Jenner & Kourtney’s Baby Take Reno”, “Brody Jenner, Khloe & Kris Take Vitamins”, and the one-hour teleision special “Lamar’s Penis Revealed”.

[ dissolve to Bruce Jenner ]

Bruce Jenner: [ with no facial movement ] Only on E!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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