Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 5
Kim’s Fairy Tale Divorce
Kim Kardashian…..Nasim Pedrad
Kris Jenner…..Kristen Wiig
Chris Humphries…..Andy Samberg
Kortney Kardashian…..Vanessa Bayer
Khloe Kardashian…..Abby Elliott
Bruce Jenner…..Taran Killam
Ken Harris…..Charlie Day
Lamar Odom…..Jay Pharoah
Announcer: They already stole your heart. Now, get ready for the LATEST Kardashian event.
[ cut to Kim Kardashian ]Kim Kardashian: Whoopsees, I got divorced!
[ dissolve to title slide ]Announcer: “Kim’s Fairytale Divorce”.
Kris Jenner: Can you believe I’m old enough to have a daughter who’s getting divorced? No, you can’t — because my surgeries worked! I know a lot of people think that Kim got married just to earn over $17 million from the wedding, but that’s not true — she also got married for attention. [ she laughs ] What do I have to do for attention? [ a beat ] Kill somebody?
Announcer: Tune in for a storybook ceremony, as Kim Kardashian and Chris Humphries [ he yawns ] sign their divorce papers.
[ close-up of Chris signing with an “X” ]Kim Kardashian: You guys… it’s been really hard. All week, we’ve jsut been crying and crying and posing and crying and getting our anuses bleached.
Kourtney Kardashian: When we get two, the third anus is free.
Khloe Kardashian: I get the free one!
Kris Jenner: [ pops her head up ] I know, right! [ she smiles ] FOUR sisters!
Announcer: Stepdad Bruce Jenner will walk her down the aisle.
Bruce Jenner: [ through heavily-Botoxed face ] When I heard my Kim was getting married, I was so happy my face was like… [ he gives his best look of surprise ] But when I heard she was getting divorced, it broke my heart… my face was like… [ he gives the same face, unable to cotort it any differently ] [ dissolve to wedding guests crying, Bruce Jenner doing so with the aid of applied eyedrops ]
Announcer: Be there for the magical moment, when Kim and Chris reach a fair financial settlement.
[ dissolve to Divorce Attorney Ken Harris eating auderbs ]Ken Harris: I’ve handled, like, over 200 divorces, right? But this is the BEST one I’ve EVER seen! Alright? They gave me this great suit, I got to ride in on a white horse, okay? Unreal! They’ve got scallops wrapped in bacon, the bacon — look at this! — wrapped in hundred-dollar bills!
[ dissolve to footage of the family dancing and having a great time ]Announcer: Join the Kardashians, as they cope with the pain of divorce ALL NIGHT LONG.
[ show Earth, Wind & Fire playing ] [ dissolve to Lamar Odom, Khloe’s Husband ]Lamar Odom: This family is weird! I mean, when they go out to dinner it’s all of them: The mom, the kids, and their grandma — Bruce Jenner. You know. It’s whackin’ fucked up!
Announcer: We may even hear from Chris Humphries…
[ dissolve to Chris Humphries ]Chris Humphries: [ open-mouthed ] Uhhhhhh —
[ dissolve to family group photo at the divorce ] [ dissolve to Kim Kardashian ]Kim Kardashian: Marriages are hard… and it turns out Chris was only half the man I wanted him to be. And by that, I mean he was only half-Black. But things are looking up for me — I’m single and there’s an NBA lockout. Wink!
Announcer: Don’t miss the Kardashian Family Divorce. Followed by all-new episodes of “Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami”, “Bruce Jenner & Kourtney’s Baby Take Reno”, “Brody Jenner, Khloe & Kris Take Vitamins”, and the one-hour teleision special “Lamar’s Penis Revealed”.
[ dissolve to Bruce Jenner ]Bruce Jenner: [ with no facial movement ] Only on E!
[ fade ]