Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 5
Charlie Day’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Charlie Day!
Charlie Day: Thank you, guys! Thank you! Thank you very much! [ he bows ] Thank you! Okay, okay, okay, okay, alright! Now… my name is Charlei Day. [ the audoence cheers wildly ] I knoqw that Don Pardo jsut said it, but I think it’s important to confirm… that I’m actually hosting “Saturday Night Live”! This is happening! It’s happening.
Alright, let’s get to the facts. Alright. I was born here in New York City. I lvied here until I was two years old — it’s true. I have a very vivid memory of what the city was like back then in the 70’s, though. BeCause, in the 70’s, New York was crazy. People were HUGE! They were GIANTS! Right? You’d come up to their knees. And I remember all the street signs, they were written in gibberish! Oh, and also — if you walked out of your building, and you walked down to the park… there was a big, scary dog that would bark at you. It was a crazy city, a crazy place. I like it a lot better now.
Okay, a couple of reasons why it’s a good time for me: Uh, my show, “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” — [ the audience cheers wildly ] Thank you! It’s in its SEVENTH season! [ the audience cheers wildly ] Thank you! And my beautiful wife and I are about to have our first baby. [ the audience cheers wildly ] I know, right — SEVEN seasons! It’s so cool. Really cool stuff. It just kind of hit me the other day, you know?
Anyway, I know a lot of hosts come out here, they’re nervous… but, like, it’s such a good time for me, that I’m relly relaxed. You know? So I figured I’d just relax and enjoy the moment…[ suddenly, Danny DeVito runs up on stage, to thunderous applause ]
Danny DeVito: No, no, Charlie, look, you can’t — I just heard you say you’re going to relax?
Charlie Day: I am.
Danny DeVito: You can’t relax!
Charlie Day: Yes, I can! I have done a lot to get here! I’m just gonna kick back and enjoy it, you know, savor it.
Danny DeVito: Well, who do you think you are — Justin Timberlake?
Charlie Day: What?
Danny DeVito: I mean, come on! Guys like us, we gotta really PUT OUT, baby!
Charlie Day: What?!
Danny DeVito: We gotta WORK, baby! We gotta —
Charlie Day: What do you mean, “Guys like us”? What are you getting at?
Danny DeVito: Well, you know — we’re not “pretty boys”!
Charlie Day: Hey, man — don’t say that about yourself.
Danny DeVito: I said “we’re” not “pretty boys”.
Charlie Day: Well, don’t lump ME in with YOU!
Danny DeVito: What do you mean, I’m not lumping? I’m lumping! I mean, you know, if you had a body like Scarlett Yohannsen —
Charlie Day: “Johannsen”.
Danny DeVito: Johannsen, I’m sorry! Okay! If you had a body like her…
Charlie Day: Okay.
Danny DeVito: I mean, you could just COAST a little bit. But you gotta PUT OUT! Look — this is your first time hosting “Saturday Night Live”.
Charlie Day: Yeah! It’s a big deal to me!
Danny DeVito: You’re a virgin, man!
Charlie Day: Look! You come in here, you’re interrupting my monologue –!
Danny DeVito: You gotta PUT OUT for this people! [ to the audience ] Right? [ the audience cheers wildly ] You gotta go DOWN! ON! THAT ROW!
Charlie Day: Yeah! Alright!
Danny DeVito: I know what you’re gonna do!
Charlie Day: What do you want me to do?
Danny DeVito: You gotta play a song for us!
Charlie Day: Play a song?
Danny DeVito: That’s right![ the audience cheers wildly, as DeVito pushes Day toward a piano on stage ]
Charlie Day: You know, it’s called a MONOLOGUE because ONE person does it! [ he sits at the piano and puts a harmonica around his neck ] Alright.[ singing and playing ]“I believe in who I am
I believe in Charlie Day!
Now I got the spotlight, baby!
So I’d like to say:
You may not know it!
But I’m gonna show it!
I got some tricks up my sleeve!
I play piano — medicore piano
Check it out, if you don’t believe!”
“That’s called a key chain.
Was that impressive?
Well, maybe not, but that’s okay!
I’m feeling alright, because it’s show night
But it’s Charlie Day Day!”
So, hit me! Yeah, hit me![ DeVito runs back up again, hugging Day ]
Danny DeVito: You’re the BEST, baby! That’s hosting, baby!
Charlie Day: We’ve got a GREAT show! We got a great show for you tonight!
Danny DeVito: Tell them about the band!
Charlie Day: STOP telling me what to do!
Danny DeVito: Okay!
Charlie Day: Maroon 5 is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!