SNL Transcripts: Emma Stone: 11/12/11: Bridal Shower Gifts


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 6

11f: Emma Stone / Coldplay

Bridal Shower Gifts

Bride…..Kristen Wiig
Kendra…..Vanessa Bayer
Maria…..Abby Elliott
Wallis…..Emma Stone
Mom…..Nasim Pedrad
Tony……Fred Armisen
Stripper #1…..Taran Killam
Stripper #2…..Andy Samberg

[ open on bridal shower setting ]

Bride: [ grabbing gift ] Okay, uh… who’s this from?

Kendra: That’s from me. Happy bridal shower! [she laughs ]

Bride: [ opening the gift ] What is this? Kendra! Sexy lingerie?

Kendra: Read the label — it’s edible!

Bride: I hope it doesn’t have carbs! [ ahe laughs ] Okay, I’ll pass it around!

Wallis: [ deep-voiced ] Nobody gives a crap — huh huh!

Maria: [ handing gift over ] Open mine!

Bride: Okay. [ she opens it ] Oh, my gosh! Furry handcuffs? Maria!

Maria: [ laughing ] What? They’re silly!

Bride: Mom, shield your eyes.

Mom: I think you girls might be a little freaky!

[ the girls all laugh at the comment ]

Wallis: [ pointing ] That lady’s old — huh huh huh!

Bride: [ picking up gift ] Um — alright, okay, well, um… this one is, uh, from Wallis. Wallis and I work together.

Wallis: I just want to thank you again for including me, even though we don’t hang out that much at work.

Bride: Oh. Sorry.

Wallis: It’s really nice.

Bride: Let’s see what it is… [ she opens the gift ] It’s, uh… uh… anal lubricant. [ reading ] “Unscented petroleum gel… to ease anal pentra–.” Thank you. Okay.

Kendra: Oh, my God — Wallis! I —

Wallis: [ confused ] Did I do wrong? I thought we were supposed to get sex stuff?

Maria: Wallis, you’re supposed to get funny sex stuff — like cute things!

Wallis: Ohhh, I’m sorry. I never been to a bridal shower before. I was so grateful to be invited, I really don’t want to whiff this.

Bride: Oh! Well, you didn’t know, so… [ she laughs ]

Wallis: You want to pass it around?

Bride: Sure. [ she hands it to Kendra ]

Kendra: Thanks. [ looking at it ] Has this been opened?

Wallis: Mmm-hmm.

Bride: Okay! Uh… um, why don’t I, um, open this other gift from Maria? [ she grabs a gift ] It feels like a DVD! [ she opens it ] “Secrets of the Kama Sutra”? Yuo guys!

Kendra: Maria, you are so bad!

Maria: You guys are gonna thank me later!

Kendra: You are so bad!

Bride: Alright, I’ll get the next one. [ she grabs a gift ] Um — it feels like another video. [ she opens it ] Um — “Twink Summer: Gay Boy toys From All Around the World”.

Wallis: Get it? Huh huh! It’s a SEX movie! It’s like hers! Okay… I think I did wrong again.

Mom: [ confused ] What’s the movie? I don’t understand.

Bride: No, no — it’s nothing, Mom!

Wallis: It’s “Twink Summer”, Ma’am. It’s 90 minutes, 100 twinks… one unforgettable summer!

Bride: Wallis! Wallis… Wallis. [ she holds up her hand ] Okay, are there any other gifts?

Wallis: Nope. [ she grabs a long, skinny gift ] Looks like we’re out of gifts. Let’s move on, no more! [ she throws the gift over the couch ]

Bride: Okay… uh, why don’t we read the bridal quizzes? [ the girls get excited ] Okay, Question 1: “Who is the bride’s celebrity sexception?” Oh, Kenda wrote “Ryan Gosling”…

Kendra: He’s mine!

Bride: Oh, my goodness — you, too!

Wallis: [ nervously ] Okay, okay… looks like we all put Ryan Byling! We should just destroy the quizzes, move on! Okay!

Bride: Oh, my God… who wrote “Michael Vick”?

Wallis: Yeah, who… wrote that? I should explain — I have never taken a bridal quiz before.

[ the doorbell rings ]

Maria: Uh-oh! I think that might be a sexy visitor!

Bride: What did you do?

[ Kendra answers the door, as Tony in chains enters ]

Tony: Is there a Wallis here?

Wallis: Oh, no! Hey — maybe we should psss that lube around again.

Bride: Wallis, who is this?

Wallis: Okay, Chuckas… [ to the girls ] I hired this guy before I understood the tone of the party.

Tony: Okay, uh — Ground rules: My name is Tony. I am a Human Toilet. You can go to the bathroom on me! If you have a dish, I’ll eat it like a dog! But I do not provide the dish.

Wallis: [ embarrassed ] Oh, God… I am so embarrassed, ladies. I thought he provided the dish! I didn’t know…

Mom: Who’s that man?

Bride: No one, no one!

Wallis: He’s a Human Toilet, Mrs. Malone! We can go ot the bathroom on him. He’s kind of like a…

[ suddenly, the real strippers come in ]

Stripper #1: Freeze, ladies! You have the right to see our buns!

Wallis: Ohhhh, CRAP! It’s the PO-PO! [ she punches the stripper in the nose ]

Stripper #2: Hey! What are you doing?!

Wallis: DIE, PIG!!

[ she pounds hell out of the second stripper, as the others call her off ]

Maria: They’re not cops, they’re STRIPPERS!!

Wallis: [ relieved ] Oh, thank God! Okay, sorry! I also brought, like, a bunch of cocaine! I have NEVER been to a bridal party before!

Mom: [ to Tony ] What does $20 get me?

Tony: $10 gets you the world.

Mom: Good dog!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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