Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 6
Bridal Shower Gifts
Bride…..Kristen Wiig
Kendra…..Vanessa Bayer
Maria…..Abby Elliott
Wallis…..Emma Stone
Mom…..Nasim Pedrad
Tony……Fred Armisen
Stripper #1…..Taran Killam
Stripper #2…..Andy Samberg
[ open on bridal shower setting ]
Bride: [ grabbing gift ] Okay, uh… who’s this from?
Kendra: That’s from me. Happy bridal shower! [she laughs ]
Bride: [ opening the gift ] What is this? Kendra! Sexy lingerie?
Kendra: Read the label — it’s edible!
Bride: I hope it doesn’t have carbs! [ ahe laughs ] Okay, I’ll pass it around!
Wallis: [ deep-voiced ] Nobody gives a crap — huh huh!
Maria: [ handing gift over ] Open mine!
Bride: Okay. [ she opens it ] Oh, my gosh! Furry handcuffs? Maria!
Maria: [ laughing ] What? They’re silly!
Bride: Mom, shield your eyes.
Mom: I think you girls might be a little freaky!
[ the girls all laugh at the comment ]
Wallis: [ pointing ] That lady’s old — huh huh huh!
Bride: [ picking up gift ] Um — alright, okay, well, um… this one is, uh, from Wallis. Wallis and I work together.
Wallis: I just want to thank you again for including me, even though we don’t hang out that much at work.
Bride: Oh. Sorry.
Wallis: It’s really nice.
Bride: Let’s see what it is… [ she opens the gift ] It’s, uh… uh… anal lubricant. [ reading ] “Unscented petroleum gel… to ease anal pentra–.” Thank you. Okay.
Kendra: Oh, my God — Wallis! I —
Wallis: [ confused ] Did I do wrong? I thought we were supposed to get sex stuff?
Maria: Wallis, you’re supposed to get funny sex stuff — like cute things!
Wallis: Ohhh, I’m sorry. I never been to a bridal shower before. I was so grateful to be invited, I really don’t want to whiff this.
Bride: Oh! Well, you didn’t know, so… [ she laughs ]
Wallis: You want to pass it around?
Bride: Sure. [ she hands it to Kendra ]
Kendra: Thanks. [ looking at it ] Has this been opened?
Wallis: Mmm-hmm.
Bride: Okay! Uh… um, why don’t I, um, open this other gift from Maria? [ she grabs a gift ] It feels like a DVD! [ she opens it ] “Secrets of the Kama Sutra”? Yuo guys!
Kendra: Maria, you are so bad!
Maria: You guys are gonna thank me later!
Kendra: You are so bad!
Bride: Alright, I’ll get the next one. [ she grabs a gift ] Um — it feels like another video. [ she opens it ] Um — “Twink Summer: Gay Boy toys From All Around the World”.
Wallis: Get it? Huh huh! It’s a SEX movie! It’s like hers! Okay… I think I did wrong again.
Mom: [ confused ] What’s the movie? I don’t understand.
Bride: No, no — it’s nothing, Mom!
Wallis: It’s “Twink Summer”, Ma’am. It’s 90 minutes, 100 twinks… one unforgettable summer!
Bride: Wallis! Wallis… Wallis. [ she holds up her hand ] Okay, are there any other gifts?
Wallis: Nope. [ she grabs a long, skinny gift ] Looks like we’re out of gifts. Let’s move on, no more! [ she throws the gift over the couch ]
Bride: Okay… uh, why don’t we read the bridal quizzes? [ the girls get excited ] Okay, Question 1: “Who is the bride’s celebrity sexception?” Oh, Kenda wrote “Ryan Gosling”…
Kendra: He’s mine!
Bride: Oh, my goodness — you, too!
Wallis: [ nervously ] Okay, okay… looks like we all put Ryan Byling! We should just destroy the quizzes, move on! Okay!
Bride: Oh, my God… who wrote “Michael Vick”?
Wallis: Yeah, who… wrote that? I should explain — I have never taken a bridal quiz before.
[ the doorbell rings ]
Maria: Uh-oh! I think that might be a sexy visitor!
Bride: What did you do?
[ Kendra answers the door, as Tony in chains enters ]
Tony: Is there a Wallis here?
Wallis: Oh, no! Hey — maybe we should psss that lube around again.
Bride: Wallis, who is this?
Wallis: Okay, Chuckas… [ to the girls ] I hired this guy before I understood the tone of the party.
Tony: Okay, uh — Ground rules: My name is Tony. I am a Human Toilet. You can go to the bathroom on me! If you have a dish, I’ll eat it like a dog! But I do not provide the dish.
Wallis: [ embarrassed ] Oh, God… I am so embarrassed, ladies. I thought he provided the dish! I didn’t know…
Mom: Who’s that man?
Bride: No one, no one!
Wallis: He’s a Human Toilet, Mrs. Malone! We can go ot the bathroom on him. He’s kind of like a…
[ suddenly, the real strippers come in ]
Stripper #1: Freeze, ladies! You have the right to see our buns!
Wallis: Ohhhh, CRAP! It’s the PO-PO! [ she punches the stripper in the nose ]
Stripper #2: Hey! What are you doing?!
Wallis: DIE, PIG!!
[ she pounds hell out of the second stripper, as the others call her off ]
Maria: They’re not cops, they’re STRIPPERS!!
Wallis: [ relieved ] Oh, thank God! Okay, sorry! I also brought, like, a bunch of cocaine! I have NEVER been to a bridal party before!
Mom: [ to Tony ] What does $20 get me?
Tony: $10 gets you the world.
Mom: Good dog!
[ fade ]
