Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 6
The Republican Presidential Debate
Maria Bartiromo…..Nasim Pedrad
John Harwood…..Fred Armisen
John Hunstman…..Taran Killam
Michelle Bachman…..Kristen Wiig
Newt Gingrich…..Bobby Moynihan
Ron Paul…..Paul Brittain
Rick Santorum…..Andy Samberg
Herman Cain…..Kenan Thompson
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Rick Perry…..Bill Hader
Announcer: [ over opening graphics ] Live from Aucoin University in Rochester, Michigan, it’s the CNBC Republican Debate.
[ dissolve to debate moderators ]
Maria Bartiromo: Good evening, and welcome to the CNBC Republican Debate. I’m Maria Bartiromo.
John Harwood: And I’m John Harwood. Let’s meet our candidates. On the stage tonight are John Huntsman… [ he smiles ] Michelle Bachman… [ she smiles ] Newt Gingrich… [ he grins ] Ron Paul… [ he stares, petrified ] Rick Santorum… [ he shakes his head untrustingly ] Herman Cain… [he winks slyly ] Mitt Romney… [ he nods ] and Rick Perry. [ he gives a champion pose ]
Maria Bartiromo: We begin with Herman Cain. Mr. Cain, as more women come forward, you’ve repeatedly changed your story. How do you explain your inconsistent responses to these allegations?
Herman Cain: Well, theres been NO inconsistency, my storys never changed. To recap: I forgot. Then I was reminded. Then I remembered. And then I forgot having remembered. And then, pizza break. And one thing is — for every woman that has come forward, there are two who have not.
Maria Bartiromo: Moving on to Governor Perry —
Rick Perry: Hey, before I start — I want to say that I know I’ve had some trouble in past debates. But tonight, I’m feeling good, I think I’m really gonna nail it. [ he points his fingers like guns ] Texas Hgih Five!
Maria Bartiromo: Alllllright. With emerging crisies in Greece and Italy, What would you do to protect and grow the American ecomony?
Rick Perry: [ he clears his throat ] Well, the first thing I would do as President… is cut government spending. So when I get to Washington, there are three — THREE! — agencies I’d cut immediately: Commerce, Education, and, uh… uh… uh, what’s the third one there…? [ he laughs nervously ] It got away from me. [ he shrugs ] Oops!
John Harwood: But, uh, seriously, Governor, uh — what is the third department to cut?
Rick Perry: Come on, man, I said “Oops!” [ he laughs ] Okay, I got it — the three departments I cut: Education, Commerce… eeeugh, why is this so hard? Its up there somewhere, I can feel it dancing around! Come on! Come on, I-I-I’d know it if I heard it…
Ron Paul: EPA?
Rick Perry: There it is! EPA! Thanks, Ron! Hey, how about little Ronnie Paul here, huh? [ Paul waves him off ] With his little birdie arms, huh? It’s the EPA — thank you!
John Harwood: [ stone=faced ] Is it really the EPA?
Rick Perry: No, sir… no, sir. I’m trying to think, but my brain is just going: [ he blows a raspberry and laughs ]
Maria Bartiromo: And you still haven’t named the third department.
Rick Perry: Euugh… oh, I know it! It’s, uh… uh… Mard. That’s not a word! [ he laighs nervously ]
Mitt Romney: Uh, look — Maria, could we just move on? I mean, Iwant to be president, but, uh… not like this.
Rick Perry: Hey, hey. I don’t need your help, Mitt. Okay? I-I-I know all three now. Ready? Commerce… oh, God, I only know one now!
Michelle Bachmann: Maybe you have it written down in your notes.
Rick Perry: Good idea! Yeah, yeah, uh… [ he shuffles some note cards in his hands ] I’m such a Messy Marvin. Uh, the debates are hard, right, guys? [ Romney purses his lips and blows ] Is it the Department of Zoos and Parades? It might be that. No? [ Huntman is bewildered ] Uh — does it start with an “M”, or an “X”? Is there an “X” on there maybe, uhh…? [ Cain is wide-eyed ] Is it trains? trains? No, you can’t cut trains! [ Gingrich’s lip quivers, as Bachmann covers his eyes ] There’s so many, uh… so many departments!
Rick Santorum: Make it stop! Somebody make it stop!!
Rick Perry: I’m really trying here, guys. I don’t know what, uh…
Ron Paul: [ pointing ] All the cards are BLANK!
Rick Perry: Hey, no peeking! [ sweating ] It is hot… let me get out of this jacket real quick… [ he removes his jacket to reveal a half-shirt underneath ] I gotta have my dickey on! [ he laughs ]
John Harwood: Governor Perry, we are still waiting for a third department.
Herman Cain: Hey! Leave him alone! Look! I’ll tell you about the women! I’ll tell you all the vivid details — and there are A LOT!! Just leave this poor man alone! Look at him!
[ Perry is pounding his head into his podium ]
Rick Perry: I can’t… I can’t say stuff good. The words… don’t… they don’t talk right…
[ Romney steps forward and puts his arm around Perry ]
Mitt Romney: Come here. Come here, come here. It’s okay. It’s okay. Come here, come here. It’s alright.
Rick Perry: I’m not gonna be president, am I?
Mitt Romney: No. No, you’re not.
Rick Perry: Can I be your vice-president?
Mitt Romney: Sure, sure, sure… [ behind Perry, he shakes his head and mouths “No!” ]
Rick Perry: Where are we going after this, Mitt?
Mitt Romney: Uhh… We’re going to go to a nice field, where you never have to say another word. There’s going to be a cow and a chicken.
Rick Perry: I like that. Are there rabbits?
Mitt Romney: Yeah. Yeah, rabbits everywhere.
Rick Perry: Tell me about the rabbits, Mitt.
Mitt Romney: You can tend the rabbits.
Maria Bartiromo: Okayyyy. We turn now to…
[ a gun is fired and heard ricocheting ]
Mitt Romney: It bounced right off!
Rick Perry: I got it! Department of Engery! [ he throws his arms up victoriously ] Alright! And, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiight!!”