SNL Transcripts: Emma Stone: 11/12/11: We’re going To Make Technology Hump!

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 6

11f: Emma Stone / Coldplay

We’re going To Make Technology Hump!

Colleen…..Emma Stone
Jacob…..Andy Samberg

Jingle: [ over graphics ]“We’re going To Make Technology Hump!
We’re going To Make Technology Hump!
We’re going To Make Technology Hump!
We’re going To Make… Technology Hump!”

[ dissolve to Colleen and Jacob ]

Jacob: Hello! And welcome to…

Together: “We’re going To Make Technology Hump!”

Colleen: I’m Colleen, and this is Jacob. We’ve got a great show!

Jacob: We sure do! This first ltitle number features a Droid and a digital camera.

Colleen: Oo-ooh! We’ll see how that turns out!

[ wipe to the video: digital camera and a Droid operated by hands in a miniature kitchen setting ]

Digital Camera V/O: Well, the kitchen’s not clean, but I’ve had enough of this for one day. I’m punching out!

Droid V/O: Not so fast, Line Cook — I want to talk to you about your attitude.

Digital Camera V/O: What?! You don’t like my… attitude?

Droid V/O: No. I don’t. [ a beat ] I love it. You just do whatever you want, don’t you?

Digital Camera V/O: Maybe I do.

Droid V/O: Show me.

[ sax porno music plays, as the Droid and digital camera begin to make out ] [ dissolve to the digital camera’s zoom lens springing an erection ] [ dissolve to the Droid being smashed against a kitchen counter, as the digital camera comes up from behind, with the puppeteers’ hands caressing one another ] [ the digital camera’s zoom lens eventually detracts after the female puppeteer’s hands caress it, emitting a flash photo ] [ return to Colleen and Jacob ]

Jingle: “Technology Hump!”

Jacob: Okay — that was hot!

Colleen: Let’s keep it going, with this next little number between a video game controller and an iPad!

Jacob: Ooooohhh, taboo! [ he smiles ] [ wipe to the video: iPad bringing room service to a video game controller’s hotel room ]

iPad V/O: Here’s your champagn,e Mr. Clark. You want this charged to the room?

Video Game Controller: [ rising from bed ] I know you!

iPad V/O: I’m… sorry?

Video Game Controller: I’ve seen you — downtown.

iPad V/O: I don’t think I know what you’re talking about…

Video Game Controller: [ he climbs from bed and looks her over ] You’re a call girl. So tell me… how much do you cost?

iPad V/O: More than you can afford.

Video Game Controller: Ha ha! [ he lays across the bed ] Name your price.

iPad V/O: [ she turns around and whispers ] A lifetime of love.

Video Game Controller: Get over here.

[ sax porno music plays, as as the iPad jumps onto the bed and makes out passionately with the video game controller ] [ dissolve to the iPad removing a heretofore unseen lace bikini ] [ pan to the video game controller humping the iPad, then from behind ] [ return to Colleen and Jacob ]

Jingle: “Technology Hump!”

Jacob: Get a load of that!

Colleen: Hey! We’ve got some Viewer Email!

Jacob: Ryan from Sacramento says: “We don’t want your dumbass soap opera scenes. Just show clean, close-up shots of tech-humping.”

Colleen: Call me a hopeless romantic, but this lady needs a little dialogue before the action!

Jacob: I hear that shit! Now, for our third Tech HUmp, Colleen and I are gonna view a GPS Navscreen and a curling iron!

[ wipe to the video: curling iron doing a porno for GPS Navscreen ]

Curling Iron V/O: I swore I’d never pose nude again after Chuck broke my heart.

GPS Navscreen: You’re talking an awful lot about Chuck today. How did he break your heart? Tell me.

Curling Iron V/O: He died!

GPS Navscreen: Oh! I’m sorry, I… didn’t…

Curling Iron V/O: No, you couldn’t have — he was shot… by Czechan rebels.

GPS Navscreen: Now you truly are naked.

Curling Iron V/O: Okay… Mr. Poetry. Can I put my towel on?

GPS Navscreen: [ looking her up and down ] Not… just… yet.

[ they start to make out ] [ dissolve to the curling iron grasping a chocolate-covered strawberry ] [ dissolve to the curling iron dropping candle wax onto the GPS Navscreen ] [ dissolve to the curling iron whipping the GPS Navscreen with her cord ] [ dissolve to a second curlnig iron entering the scene, sparking a duel to the delight of the GPS Navscreen ] [ return to Colleen and Jacob ]

Jingle: “Technology Hump!”

Colleen: Well, that’s our show this week.

Jacob: Tune in next time for a steamy scene between a shower radio and a Barnes & Noble Nook!

Jingle: “We’re going To Make… Technology Hump!”

[ fade ]

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