SNL Transcripts: Emma Stone: 11/12/11: We’re going To Make Technology Hump!


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 6

11f: Emma Stone / Coldplay

We’re going To Make Technology Hump!

Colleen…..Emma Stone
Jacob…..Andy Samberg

Jingle: [ over graphics ]“We’re going To Make Technology Hump!
We’re going To Make Technology Hump!
We’re going To Make Technology Hump!
We’re going To Make… Technology Hump!”

[ dissolve to Colleen and Jacob ]

Jacob: Hello! And welcome to…

Together: “We’re going To Make Technology Hump!”

Colleen: I’m Colleen, and this is Jacob. We’ve got a great show!

Jacob: We sure do! This first ltitle number features a Droid and a digital camera.

Colleen: Oo-ooh! We’ll see how that turns out!

[ wipe to the video: digital camera and a Droid operated by hands in a miniature kitchen setting ]

Digital Camera V/O: Well, the kitchen’s not clean, but I’ve had enough of this for one day. I’m punching out!

Droid V/O: Not so fast, Line Cook — I want to talk to you about your attitude.

Digital Camera V/O: What?! You don’t like my… attitude?

Droid V/O: No. I don’t. [ a beat ] I love it. You just do whatever you want, don’t you?

Digital Camera V/O: Maybe I do.

Droid V/O: Show me.

[ sax porno music plays, as the Droid and digital camera begin to make out ] [ dissolve to the digital camera’s zoom lens springing an erection ] [ dissolve to the Droid being smashed against a kitchen counter, as the digital camera comes up from behind, with the puppeteers’ hands caressing one another ] [ the digital camera’s zoom lens eventually detracts after the female puppeteer’s hands caress it, emitting a flash photo ] [ return to Colleen and Jacob ]

Jingle: “Technology Hump!”

Jacob: Okay — that was hot!

Colleen: Let’s keep it going, with this next little number between a video game controller and an iPad!

Jacob: Ooooohhh, taboo! [ he smiles ] [ wipe to the video: iPad bringing room service to a video game controller’s hotel room ]

iPad V/O: Here’s your champagn,e Mr. Clark. You want this charged to the room?

Video Game Controller: [ rising from bed ] I know you!

iPad V/O: I’m… sorry?

Video Game Controller: I’ve seen you — downtown.

iPad V/O: I don’t think I know what you’re talking about…

Video Game Controller: [ he climbs from bed and looks her over ] You’re a call girl. So tell me… how much do you cost?

iPad V/O: More than you can afford.

Video Game Controller: Ha ha! [ he lays across the bed ] Name your price.

iPad V/O: [ she turns around and whispers ] A lifetime of love.

Video Game Controller: Get over here.

[ sax porno music plays, as as the iPad jumps onto the bed and makes out passionately with the video game controller ] [ dissolve to the iPad removing a heretofore unseen lace bikini ] [ pan to the video game controller humping the iPad, then from behind ] [ return to Colleen and Jacob ]

Jingle: “Technology Hump!”

Jacob: Get a load of that!

Colleen: Hey! We’ve got some Viewer Email!

Jacob: Ryan from Sacramento says: “We don’t want your dumbass soap opera scenes. Just show clean, close-up shots of tech-humping.”

Colleen: Call me a hopeless romantic, but this lady needs a little dialogue before the action!

Jacob: I hear that shit! Now, for our third Tech HUmp, Colleen and I are gonna view a GPS Navscreen and a curling iron!

[ wipe to the video: curling iron doing a porno for GPS Navscreen ]

Curling Iron V/O: I swore I’d never pose nude again after Chuck broke my heart.

GPS Navscreen: You’re talking an awful lot about Chuck today. How did he break your heart? Tell me.

Curling Iron V/O: He died!

GPS Navscreen: Oh! I’m sorry, I… didn’t…

Curling Iron V/O: No, you couldn’t have — he was shot… by Czechan rebels.

GPS Navscreen: Now you truly are naked.

Curling Iron V/O: Okay… Mr. Poetry. Can I put my towel on?

GPS Navscreen: [ looking her up and down ] Not… just… yet.

[ they start to make out ] [ dissolve to the curling iron grasping a chocolate-covered strawberry ] [ dissolve to the curling iron dropping candle wax onto the GPS Navscreen ] [ dissolve to the curling iron whipping the GPS Navscreen with her cord ] [ dissolve to a second curlnig iron entering the scene, sparking a duel to the delight of the GPS Navscreen ] [ return to Colleen and Jacob ]

Jingle: “Technology Hump!”

Colleen: Well, that’s our show this week.

Jacob: Tune in next time for a steamy scene between a shower radio and a Barnes & Noble Nook!

Jingle: “We’re going To Make… Technology Hump!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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