Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 6
We’re going To Make Technology Hump!
Colleen…..Emma Stone
Jacob…..Andy Samberg
Jingle: [ over graphics ]
“We’re going To Make Technology Hump!
We’re going To Make Technology Hump!
We’re going To Make Technology Hump!
We’re going To Make… Technology Hump!”
[ dissolve to Colleen and Jacob ]
Jacob: Hello! And welcome to…
Together: “We’re going To Make Technology Hump!”
Colleen: I’m Colleen, and this is Jacob. We’ve got a great show!
Jacob: We sure do! This first ltitle number features a Droid and a digital camera.
Colleen: Oo-ooh! We’ll see how that turns out!
[ wipe to the video: digital camera and a Droid operated by hands in a miniature kitchen setting ]
Digital Camera V/O: Well, the kitchen’s not clean, but I’ve had enough of this for one day. I’m punching out!
Droid V/O: Not so fast, Line Cook — I want to talk to you about your attitude.
Digital Camera V/O: What?! You don’t like my… attitude?
Droid V/O: No. I don’t. [ a beat ] I love it. You just do whatever you want, don’t you?
Digital Camera V/O: Maybe I do.
Droid V/O: Show me.
[ sax porno music plays, as the Droid and digital camera begin to make out ]
[ dissolve to the digital camera’s zoom lens springing an erection ]
[ dissolve to the Droid being smashed against a kitchen counter, as the digital camera comes up from behind, with the puppeteers’ hands caressing one another ]
[ the digital camera’s zoom lens eventually detracts after the female puppeteer’s hands caress it, emitting a flash photo ]
[ return to Colleen and Jacob ]
Jingle: “Technology Hump!”
Jacob: Okay — that was hot!
Colleen: Let’s keep it going, with this next little number between a video game controller and an iPad!
Jacob: Ooooohhh, taboo! [ he smiles ]
[ wipe to the video: iPad bringing room service to a video game controller’s hotel room ]
iPad V/O: Here’s your champagn,e Mr. Clark. You want this charged to the room?
Video Game Controller: [ rising from bed ] I know you!
iPad V/O: I’m… sorry?
Video Game Controller: I’ve seen you — downtown.
iPad V/O: I don’t think I know what you’re talking about…
Video Game Controller: [ he climbs from bed and looks her over ] You’re a call girl. So tell me… how much do you cost?
iPad V/O: More than you can afford.
Video Game Controller: Ha ha! [ he lays across the bed ] Name your price.
iPad V/O: [ she turns around and whispers ] A lifetime of love.
Video Game Controller: Get over here.
[ sax porno music plays, as as the iPad jumps onto the bed and makes out passionately with the video game controller ]
[ dissolve to the iPad removing a heretofore unseen lace bikini ]
[ pan to the video game controller humping the iPad, then from behind ]
[ return to Colleen and Jacob ]
Jingle: “Technology Hump!”
Jacob: Get a load of that!
Colleen: Hey! We’ve got some Viewer Email!
Jacob: Ryan from Sacramento says: “We don’t want your dumbass soap opera scenes. Just show clean, close-up shots of tech-humping.”
Colleen: Call me a hopeless romantic, but this lady needs a little dialogue before the action!
Jacob: I hear that shit! Now, for our third Tech HUmp, Colleen and I are gonna view a GPS Navscreen and a curling iron!
[ wipe to the video: curling iron doing a porno for GPS Navscreen ]
Curling Iron V/O: I swore I’d never pose nude again after Chuck broke my heart.
GPS Navscreen: You’re talking an awful lot about Chuck today. How did he break your heart? Tell me.
Curling Iron V/O: He died!
GPS Navscreen: Oh! I’m sorry, I… didn’t…
Curling Iron V/O: No, you couldn’t have — he was shot… by Czechan rebels.
GPS Navscreen: Now you truly are naked.
Curling Iron V/O: Okay… Mr. Poetry. Can I put my towel on?
GPS Navscreen: [ looking her up and down ] Not… just… yet.
[ they start to make out ]
[ dissolve to the curling iron grasping a chocolate-covered strawberry ]
[ dissolve to the curling iron dropping candle wax onto the GPS Navscreen ]
[ dissolve to the curling iron whipping the GPS Navscreen with her cord ]
[ dissolve to a second curlnig iron entering the scene, sparking a duel to the delight of the GPS Navscreen ]
[ return to Colleen and Jacob ]
Jingle: “Technology Hump!”
Colleen: Well, that’s our show this week.
Jacob: Tune in next time for a steamy scene between a shower radio and a Barnes & Noble Nook!
Jingle: “We’re going To Make… Technology Hump!”
[ fade ]
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