Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 6
Emma Stone’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Emma Stone!
Emma Stone: Oh, thank you! (laughs) It is so great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live for the second time! Uh, it’s been a pretty busy year for me-I got to be in “Crazy Stupid Love”and “The Help,” and next summer-[cheers] I’m gonna get to be in “The Amazing Spider-Man,” so, that’s pretty great. Uh, I play Spider-Man’s girlfriend, Gwen Stacy, who is a dynamic and brilliant science student. Not to be confused with Spider-Man’s other girlfriend, Mary Jane Watson, who is a SKANK and doesn’t love him like I do. [as Andy Samberg drops in upside down wearing a Spider-Man costume] I’m really just so excited to be playing opposite su-such an amazing superhero.
Andy Samberg: [excitedly] Did someone say SUPERHERO?!
Emma Stone: [confused] Hey, Andy. How ya-What are you doing up there?
Andy Samberg: Well, I heard about the new Spider-Man movie, figured I would audish, maybe catch that part-IN MY WEB!! [fires Silly String from the web shooter on his wrist]
Emma Stone: Hey, Andy, I think it- [laughs as Andy continues to shoot sporadically]
Andy Samberg: Silly String!
Emma Stone: I think it might be a little late to get the part in the Spider-Man movie.
Andy Samberg: It’s never too late for Spider-Man. He can stop time!
Emma Stone: No he can’t. You’re actually thinking of Zack Morris from “Saved By the Bell.”
Andy Samberg: That’s right, yeah.
Emma Stone: And it’s definitely too late, because the movie comes out in July.
Andy Samberg: Well, we have to move quickly. Here, read with me. [opens a red fanny pack on his costume] What we got here…[pulls out a piece of paper] OK…[hands Emma the paper as other junk falls out] Take that…Just I…
Emma Stone: Oh boy…OK…
Andy Samberg: It’s OK, I don’t need a script. I’m off book. Here we go.
Emma Stone: Alright, I guess I better read with him-he went to this sad amount of trouble. Um, [reads overdramatically] Hi, Spider-Man!
Andy Samberg: Sorry, Gwen, I don’t have time to bone. I have to fight Green Goblin-oh, wait, Green Goblin just canceled; we can bone now.
Emma Stone: OK, Andy, aren’t you just redoing the same monologue Kirsten Dunst did like, 10 years ago?[cut to a still of Kirsten Dunst’s SNL monologue from 2002]
Andy Samberg: Uh, yeah, aren’t you just redoing the exact same Spider-Man movie from 10 years ago?
Emma Stone: [offended] NOOOOO….but anyway…
Andy Samberg: OK, look, enough about the past. If you reshoot Spider-Man with me I’ll give you a performance…TO FLIP FOR!! [tries to do a backflip but is restrained by his harness] to flip for…[continues flailing and trying to flip to no avail]
Emma Stone: I’m sorry, buddy, we already got a pretty great Spider-Man.
Andy Samberg: HA! Let me guess-some teen heartthrob like Ray Liotta or Patrick Stewart?
Emma Stone: Actually, his name is Andrew Garfield.
Andy Samberg: [dismissive laugh] Garfield?! I’m sorry, does Spider-Man hate Mondays now? How-how’s he gonna fight crime when he’s busy eating lasagna and porking Nermal, am I right?! [laughs]
Emma Stone: I think you might be thinking of the wrong Garfield. Andrew, can you come up here?[New Spider-Man Andrew Garfield enters stage right to cheers.]
Andy Samberg: Uh, excuse me, sir, just because you co-created Facebook doesn’t mean you can just barge up here.
Andrew Garfield: [in his natural British accent] That was-that was just a role I played. And I’m sorry, mate, but I am also playing Spider-Man.
Andy Samberg: [incredulously] He’s BRITISH?! Oh, America is suffering record unemployment and we outsource SPIDER-MAN to England?! I’m so angry about this I could…FLIP OUT!! [attempts to backflip some more, but fails]
Emma Stone: OK, we have got a great show for you tonight!
Andrew Garfield: Coldplay is here!
Andy Samberg: [angrily] Why-why all the British people?!
Emma Stone: So stick around and we will be right back!
Submitted by: Mario Juan