SNL Transcripts: Emma Stone: 11/12/11: Emma Stone’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 6

11f: Emma Stone / Coldplay

Emma Stone’s Monologue

…..Emma Stone
…..Andy Samberg
…..Andrew Garfield

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Emma Stone!

Emma Stone: Oh, thank you! (laughs) It is so great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live for the second time! Uh, it’s been a pretty busy year for me-I got to be in “Crazy Stupid Love”and “The Help,” and next summer-[cheers] I’m gonna get to be in “The Amazing Spider-Man,” so, that’s pretty great. Uh, I play Spider-Man’s girlfriend, Gwen Stacy, who is a dynamic and brilliant science student. Not to be confused with Spider-Man’s other girlfriend, Mary Jane Watson, who is a SKANK and doesn’t love him like I do. [as Andy Samberg drops in upside down wearing a Spider-Man costume] I’m really just so excited to be playing opposite su-such an amazing superhero.

Andy Samberg: [excitedly] Did someone say SUPERHERO?!

Emma Stone: [confused] Hey, Andy. How ya-What are you doing up there?

Andy Samberg: Well, I heard about the new Spider-Man movie, figured I would audish, maybe catch that part-IN MY WEB!! [fires Silly String from the web shooter on his wrist]

Emma Stone: Hey, Andy, I think it- [laughs as Andy continues to shoot sporadically]

Andy Samberg: Silly String!

Emma Stone: I think it might be a little late to get the part in the Spider-Man movie.

Andy Samberg: It’s never too late for Spider-Man. He can stop time!

Emma Stone: No he can’t. You’re actually thinking of Zack Morris from “Saved By the Bell.”

Andy Samberg: That’s right, yeah.

Emma Stone: And it’s definitely too late, because the movie comes out in July.

Andy Samberg: Well, we have to move quickly. Here, read with me. [opens a red fanny pack on his costume] What we got here…[pulls out a piece of paper] OK…[hands Emma the paper as other junk falls out] Take that…Just I…

Emma Stone: Oh boy…OK…

Andy Samberg: It’s OK, I don’t need a script. I’m off book. Here we go.

Emma Stone: Alright, I guess I better read with him-he went to this sad amount of trouble. Um, [reads overdramatically] Hi, Spider-Man!

Andy Samberg: Sorry, Gwen, I don’t have time to bone. I have to fight Green Goblin-oh, wait, Green Goblin just canceled; we can bone now.

Emma Stone: OK, Andy, aren’t you just redoing the same monologue Kirsten Dunst did like, 10 years ago?

[cut to a still of Kirsten Dunst’s SNL monologue from 2002]

Andy Samberg: Uh, yeah, aren’t you just redoing the exact same Spider-Man movie from 10 years ago?

Emma Stone: [offended] NOOOOO….but anyway…

Andy Samberg: OK, look, enough about the past. If you reshoot Spider-Man with me I’ll give you a performance…TO FLIP FOR!! [tries to do a backflip but is restrained by his harness] to flip for…[continues flailing and trying to flip to no avail]

Emma Stone: I’m sorry, buddy, we already got a pretty great Spider-Man.

Andy Samberg: HA! Let me guess-some teen heartthrob like Ray Liotta or Patrick Stewart?

Emma Stone: Actually, his name is Andrew Garfield.

Andy Samberg: [dismissive laugh] Garfield?! I’m sorry, does Spider-Man hate Mondays now? How-how’s he gonna fight crime when he’s busy eating lasagna and porking Nermal, am I right?! [laughs]

Emma Stone: I think you might be thinking of the wrong Garfield. Andrew, can you come up here?

[New Spider-Man Andrew Garfield enters stage right to cheers.]

Andy Samberg: Uh, excuse me, sir, just because you co-created Facebook doesn’t mean you can just barge up here.

Andrew Garfield: [in his natural British accent] That was-that was just a role I played. And I’m sorry, mate, but I am also playing Spider-Man.

Andy Samberg: [incredulously] He’s BRITISH?! Oh, America is suffering record unemployment and we outsource SPIDER-MAN to England?! I’m so angry about this I could…FLIP OUT!! [attempts to backflip some more, but fails]

Emma Stone: OK, we have got a great show for you tonight!

Andrew Garfield: Coldplay is here!

Andy Samberg: [angrily] Why-why all the British people?!

Emma Stone: So stick around and we will be right back!

Submitted by: Mario Juan

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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