Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 6
Window Washer…..Bobby Moynihan
[ open on exterior, office building, night ] [ dissolve to interior, office ]
Emma: Hey, Karen… I’m sorry you didn’t land that account. You okay?
Karen: Oh, that’s fine — I’m totally fine!
Emma: Oh. We all know how bad you wanted it. Why don’t you take your mind off of it, and join us for Happy hour?
Kristen: Yeah! TGIFriday’s has 100 wings for only 20 cents until 7 pm![ the others encourage Karen to join them ]
Karen: No, I’m okay! I’ll be right behind you. I just… have to… do a couple things.
Emma: Okay. And don’t worry — you’re gonna get it NEXT time.
Karen: Thanks! Bye! [ the others exit the office ] And… play.[ Karen plays Adele’s “Someone Like You”, and begins to weep vividly and mouth the words ] [ she quickly turns the CD off and scatters things around her desk as Emma re-enters the office ]
Karen: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! This desk is, like, crazy — oh, my God, I have too many pencils! So many of them!
Emma: Karen… Karen. Stop! I know you were listening to Adele’s “Someone Like You” and crying.
Emma: And you know what? Last night, I watched the series finale of “Friday Night Lights” and it really messed me up, so…
Karen: Say no more.[ Karen turns the song back on, as she and Emma both begin to cry and pig into pints of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream ] [ suddenly, Kristen re-enters the office ]
Kristen: Is everyone coming?[ Karen quickly turns the song off, as she and Emma pretend to be in the middle of an order ]
Karen: Yes! [ she grabs the telephone ] THank you for your business! We will get RIGHT on that! OKay, bye bye!
Kristen: Ladies, I’m no dummy. You both needed a good cry, so you were listening to Adele’s “Someone Like You”.
Karen: [ with ice cream dripping down her face ] Do you do it, too?
Kristen: Everyone with a heart and an iTunes account does. So I know it… I get it… and I want in.
Emma: [ suspicious ] Why? What’s going on with you?
Kristen: All week, my, uh… my parakeets have been fighting. I feel I’m caught in the middle of it. So… so, hit me.
Karen & Emma: Okay.[ Karen turns the song back on, as all three women begin to cry in their own unique manner — including Emma taking a digital photo of herself, and Kristen reaching out for her parakeets ] [ suddenly, the male co-workers re-enter the office ]
Kenan: Where are you at?![ Karen quickly turns the song off, as the ladies try to cover their behavior ]
Karen: We’re not doing ANYTHING, okay?!
Emma: We were doing NOTHING! We were doing NOTHING!
Kristen: I was thinking about my birds and crying to Adele’s “Someone Like You”.
Karen: What are you guys doing back here?
Bill: That Happy Hour wings special ended at 6:30. [ he tries to maintain his composure ] Oh, God…
The Men: Press Play…[ Karen turns the song on again, as the male co-workers begin to weep vividly, including Bill with mascara running down his cheeks ] [ then, the Janitor enters the room mopping, and he too begins to weep with his lower lip quivering ] [ outside, a Window Washer is busy washing the window, then drops his squeegee and places his hand on the glass and begins to cry along with everyone else ] [ from within the halls of Studio 8H, the members of Coldplay watch the sketch on a monitor and cry along with the characters ] [ back within the sketch, all of the co-workers and other participants lock arms in a line and sing along ] [ at last, Karen turns the song off one last time ]
Karen: Guys… let’s go get some FULL-PRICED wings!
Everyone: YEAH!!![ they all rush out of the office ] [ fade ]