SNL Transcripts: Jason Segel: 11/19/11


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 7

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

November 19th, 2011

Jason Segel

Florence + The Machine


Kermit the Frog

Miss Piggy

Fozzy Bear

The Great Gonzo



Statler & Waldorf

Paul Rudd

Gov. Jon Huntsman

Olivia Wilde


Mitt Romney: Raw & UnleashedSummary: Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) tries desperately to prove that he can be less boring than he appears to be.

Recurring Characters: Mitt Romney.



Jason Segel’s MonologueSummary: Jason Segel sings about the unbelievalbe thrill of hosting “Saturday Night” with backing vocals from his disgruntled group of Muppet co-stars.


Red Flag ParfumSummary: The enchanting fragrance that warns would-be suitors that the attractive woman in the bar might not be worth the pursuit.

Note: Repeat from 11a

Kelly AuditionsSummary: Following Regis Philbin’s retirement, Kelly Ripa (Nasim Pedrad) auditions various celebrities in search of a new co-star.

Recurring Characters: Kelly Ripa, Michael Gelman, Ricky Gervais, Charles Barkley, Denzel Washington, Ashton Kutcher, Rosie O’Donnell, Antonio Banderas, Kathie Lee Gifford.


Kemper-Pedic Me Time MattressSummary: Pete Kemper (Jason Segel) promotes his patented Keper Pedic Me Time Mattress, which allows him to perform masturbatory actions in bed without disturbing his wife’s (Vanessa Bayer) sleep.


The VogelchecksSummary: The affectionate Vogelcheck Family (Fred Armisen, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, Paul Rudd, Jason Segel) greet more newcomers with open arms and wet, sloppy kisses at Christmas time.

Recurring Characters: Mr. Vogelcheck, Mrs. Vogelcheck, Dwayne Vogelcheck, Austin Vogelcheck.

Florence + The Machine performs “Shake It Out”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Gov. Jon Huntsman comments on how his campaign for the Republican presidential nominee is going, especially in New Hampshire. Seth Meyers and Kermit the Frog ask “Really!?!” in regards to pizza being declared a vegetable for the sake of school the lunch program.


Retirement PartySummary: Mr. Gurst’s (Fred Armisen) retirement party is marred by secretary Janelle Mumrot’s (Kristen Wiig) inability to find something to say and Louis’ (Jason Segel) drunken plot to spill well-known company secrets.

A New Jack ThanksgivingSummary: Medium Richard (Bobby Moynihan) promotes a collection of New Jack holiday classics that he’s almost positive never went out of style.

Recurring Characters: Triangle Sally.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: An 80’s-era Instructor (Andy Samberg) does a poor job demonstrating the art of “Seducing Women Through Chess”.


André The Giant Chooses An Ice Cream FlavorSummary: André The Giant (Jason Segel) takes his time to ponder the selection of an ice cream flavor among so many vivid choices.


Florence + The Machine performs “No Light, No Light”

The Blue Jean CommitteeSummary: Members of the Blue Jean Committee (Fred Armisen, Jason Segel, Jason Sudeikis, Kenan Thompson) are local western Massachusetts boys about to go national, but still wow the crowd at the local bar with their hit “Massachusetts Afternoon”.


Dress Rehearsal Cuts

NBA TelethonSummary: Because of the NBA Lockout, basketball players are unable to solicit donations during their annual telethon.

Balcony SongsSummary: City residents perform Broadway solos from their apartment balconies.

Deidra Wurtz: Bankruptcy ExpertSummary: Bankruptcy expert Deidra Wurtz (Abby Elliott) will assist people with bad business ability with ease and Valley girl vernacular.

Frozen Mexican DinnerSummary: When a musician (Paul Brittain) admits to being constipated, fellow band member (Fred Armisen) offers him a solution with a single dose of a frozen Mexican dinner.

Note: This ad parody will air on the next episode hosted by Steve Buscemi.

Kid DynamoSummary: An inventor (Jason Sudeikis) tries to impress a group of scientists with the child-sized robots (Paul Brittain, Taran Killam) he invented.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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