SNL Transcripts: Jason Segel: 11/19/11: Kelly Auditions


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 7

11g: Jason Segel / Florence + The Machine

Kelly Auditions

Kelly Ripa…..Nasim Pedrad
Michael Gelman…..Paul Brittain
Ricky Gervais…..Jason Sudeikis
Charles Barkley…..Kenan Thompson
George Lopez…..Fred Armisen
Garrison Keillor…..Bill Hader
Rosie O’Donnell…..Bobby Moynihan
Zooey Deschanel…..Abby Elliott
Ashton Kutcher…..Taran Killam
Denzel Washington…..Jay Pharaoh
Antonio Banderas…..Jason Segel
Kathie Lee Gifford…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on the “Live with Regis & Kelly” set ]

Gelman: Alright, Kelly, are you ready for this?

Kelly Ripa: [ she sighs ] Replacing Regis Philbin! It just doesn’t seem possible, Gelman.

Gelman: I know, I know. Fortunately, we have a lot of great options for new co-hosts, so we’re gonna have you sit with them and see if there’s any chemistry.

Kelly Ripa: Alright, let’s do this!

Gelman: Alright! First up, we have someone who’s become a fixture at awards ceremonies — Ricky Gervais. [ he steps side ] [ Ricky Gervais sits next to Kelly ]

Ricky Gervais: Hello. It’s great to be here.

Kelly Ripa: Ricky! How are you!

Ricky Gervais: Yeah. I’m alright. You know — hosting the Golden Globes. So… prestigious!

Kelly Ripa: It would be SO FUN to have you as a co-host!

Ricky Gervais: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because it’s always been MY dream to replace an 8-year old man. Not really! Wha-a-a-at?!

Gelman: Terrific stuff. Thanks, Ricky. Okay, up next we have… an out-of-work basketball commentator — Charles Barkley.

Kelly Ripa: Hi, Charles! How are you!

Charles Barkley: Oh? Kelly the Ripa. Okay! You’re like an adorable talking chipmunk!

Kelly Ripa: Ha ha ha! You know, Reege and I used to have fun banter about our family life. So, tell me, Charles — What are you doing for Thanksgiving?

Charles Barkley: Well, spending it the way I always do — playing pock-out Poker with Carl Malone and the ghost of Manute Bol. Now, what time does this show start?

Kelly Ripa: Nine a.m.

Charles Barkley: Okay, bye! [ he leaves ]

Gelman: Thanks, Charles. Uh, okay — uhh, let’s see here. Up next — whoop! Sorry!Up next, we have former late night talk show host — George Lopez!

[ George Lopez stumbles in, bangs his chair around and adjusts his tie in a spastic manner ]

Kelly Ripa: Hi, George! Hey! [ Lopez is too busy spazzing out ] George? George? Hi! What do you think you could bring to the “Regis & Kelly” franchise?

George Lopez: Well, you know — having a Latino as a co-host could really change the landscape of daytime television! [ he adjusts himself in his seat ] And I should know about LANDSCAPING because I’m LATINO!!

Gelman: [ smiling ] He is great! Great Okay, next we have a longtime host of NPR’s “Prairie home Companion” — Garrison Keillor!

Kelly Ripa: [ starstruck ] Garrison… Garrison, I LOVE your radio show!

Garrison Keillor: [ low-key ] Ah, yes, my show… brought to you by Miss Henderson’s Eyebrow Tonic. Keeping your eyebrows bushy and full. Because why should owwwwwwls have all the fun?

Gelman: Thanks. Okay, next is a woman who started her own talk show — Rosie o’Donnell.

[ Rosie o’Donnell runs in and hugs Kelly Ripa ]

Rosie O’Donnell: Kelly! You little curie-patootie! [ she lays a wett sloppy kiss on Kely ] I will ABSORB you!

Kelly Ripa: Gelman!

Gelman: [ laughing ] Terrific! Next up is the star of Fox’s “New Girl” — Zooey Deschanel.

[ Zooey Deschanel enters with a ukelele in hand ]

Zooey Deschanel: [ comic-voiced ] Hiiii.

Kelly Ripa: Oh, that would be SO much fun! Having two women on the show!

Zooey Deschanel: Hmm… you’re a woman, but I’m just a little-bitty girl [ she snickers ] I’m just quirky and weird and, you know… [ she makes noises ] I’m aorkable! Plus, I already wrote a theme song! [ singing ] “Zooey and Kelly / Kelly and Zooey!” [ she plays the ukulele and whistles ]

Kelly Ripa: Okay, thanks for coming!

Gelman: Okay, uh, next up is a guy who’s in ALL of the tabloids — Ashton Kutcher!

[ Ashton Kutcher climbs in his chair ]

Ashton Kutcher: Hi! Now that I’ve stopped TWEETING, I got sixteen extra hours a DAY!! So what’s the deal with this JOB?! I want to get HIRED!!

Kelly Ripa: Well, yeah, it’s a long process, Ashton.

Ashton Kutcher: Okay, I’m BORED!! [ he exits ]

Gelman: Thanks, Ashton. Uh, next is someone who’s looking to move to television — Denzel Washington.

Denzel Washington: Alright, I’m ready! What’s going on! Ha ha ha!

Kelly Ripa: So, Denzel — are you EXCITED for the “Twilight” finale?

Denzel Washington: Am I excited for the “Twilight” finale?

Kelly Ripa: Have you read the books?

Denzel Washington: She’s asking have I read the BOOKS! Ha ha!

Kelly Ripa: Are you just gonna repeat whatever I say?

Denzel Washington: Ha ha ha ha! Alright!

Gelman: Wonderful. Oh, Antonio Banderas showed up, but I don’t think he even knows there are auditions.

Antonio Banderas: [ smoothly ] Hello, my flower. This is a very good time for me — with the “Puss in Boots”, the Nasonex bee voice, and I am wearing very fine clothing… and Regis is in Heaven with the angels.

Kelly Ripa: No, no, no! No, Regis isn’t dead!

Antonio Banderas: No, then we are committing adultery?

Kelly Ripa: No, Regis is retiring from the show, and the hosts DON’T have sex!

Antonio Banderas: Ah. Then I must go and find sex elsewhere. Goodbye, my flower. [ he exits ]

Kelly Ripa: Okay, who’s next?

Gelman: Uh — that’s everyone, Kelly.

Kelly Ripa: You know what I just realized, Gelman? Maybe the BEST co-host would be the person who’s been here since the very beginning! The person who knows the show inside and out!

Gelman: [ touched ] Really?

Kelly Ripa: That’s right! It’s time to bring back Kathie Lee!

[ suddenly, Kathie Lee zooms in a power scooter and honks at Kelly ]

Kathie Lee Gifford: I’m baaaaack! [ she pulls out a bottle of wine ] No, I’m not! [ she wheels off ] [ cut to title animation ]

Announcer: “Kathie Lee and Kelly” — it’s what America wants!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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