SNL Transcripts: Jason Segel: 11/19/11: Kemper-Pedic Me Time Mattress


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 7

11g: Jason Segel / Florence + The Machine

Kemper-Pedic Me Time Mattress

Pete Kemper…..Jason Segel
Stacy Kemper…..Vanessa Bayer

[ open on Pete & Stacy Kemper standing in their bedroom ]

Pete Kemper: Hi! I’m Pete Kemper, and I want to talk to you about a sleep revolution. [ he puts his arm around his wife ] Me and my wife, Stacy, we’ve been married so long… well, we both have our own routines.

Stacy Kemper: I go to bed early; he’s a night owl.

Pete Kemper: Absolutely! And here’s the good news: I’ll NEVER disturb Stacy’s sleep, thanks to my patented Kemper-Pedic Me Time Mattress. The only mattress that absorbs energy and does not transfer motion, even inches away. Stacy will sleep soundly, no matter what I’m doing.

Pete Kemper V/O: Whether it’s: rolling dice… [ reveal msturbatory posture ] adjusting the change in my pajama pockets… [ reveal masturbatory posture ] exercising… [ reveal masturbatory posture close-up, then reveal exercise equiment ] making coffee using a Frendh press… [ reveal masturbatory posture ] or even doing the worm.

Stacy Kemper: With the Me Time mattress, I get a deep sleep, without any of that weird squeaking that used to wake me up.

Pete Kemper: [ laughing it off ] I know! What was that?

Stacy Kemper: It’s great!

Pete Kemper: Listen: Try my famous Italian Dinner Test.

Pete Kemper V/O: …where I put a glass of Chianti on one side of the bed and pound pizza dough in my lap on the other side. [ reveal masturbaotry posture ] See? The wine doesn’t spill no matter how hard I pound. I can pound that dough for six to eight minutes until I can’t take it any more and I… am… spent!

Pete Kemper: Hey! Who’s ready to eat?

[ they laugh ]

Pete Kemper: So if you and your spouse have your own routines, do yourself a favor and get a Kemper-Pedic Me Time Mattress.

[ reveal masturbatory image of Pete elongating an object that turns out to be a telescope ]

Pete Kemper V/O: Buy one today, and get a special laptop shade that shields the brightness of a laptop computer, so you can take it to bed any time.

[ reveal Pete in bed with laptop and laptop shade, Googling porn and masturbating ]

Pete Kemper V/O: The Kemper-Pedic Me Time mattress. Because you need some me time.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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