SNL Transcripts: Jason Segel: 11/19/11: Jason Segel’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 7

11g: Jason Segel / Florence + The Machine

Jason Segel’s Monologue

…..Jason Segel
…..Kermit The Frog (Steve Whitmire)
…..Miss Piggy (Eric Jacobson)
…..Fozzy Bear (Eric Jacobson)
…..The Great Gonzo (Dave Goelz)
…..Scooter (David Rudman)
…..Statler & Waldorf (Steve Whitmire, Dave Goelz)

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jason Segel!

Jason Segel: Thank you, thanks, thank you guys so much! Wow! Oh, my God! I mean, I am SO excited to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! I gotta be totally honest, like, the one thing I was really nervous about for tonight was this monologue, ’cause I just have no idea what to say. Uh, if you guys don’t mind, I thought maybe I would sing a song about the way I feel instead? [ the audience cheers excitedly ] I hope there’s a piano behind me. [ he looks ] Oh! Fantastic! Alright, let’s do it.

[ he sits behind the piano and blows into his fists ]

Um — I can’t believe it, but two dreams have come true for me this year: I’m hosting “Saturday Night Live”, and I just made a movie with The Muppets.

Kermit The Frog: Yes, you did!

[ Kermit and Miss Piggy suddenly surround Segel at the piano, as the audience cheers ]

Jason Segel: Guys! What are you doing here?

Kermit The Frog: Well, Jason, where else would we be?

Jason Segel: Well, I was just about to sing a song. I don’t know, would you guys care to join me?

Kermit The Frog: Sure! Let’s get the others! Guys, come on in!

[ the other Muppets join them, as the audience cheers wildly ]

Jason Segel: I didn’t expect you all to be here. Okay, uh — great! 3… 4! [ he starts playing the piano ]

Kermit The Frog: Ooh! That’s what you call a bouncy B-flat!

Jason Segel: That’s right, Kermit.

Kermit The Frog: Very nice!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]“I believe in shooting stars.”

Kermit The Frog: Yeah!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]“…and I believe in wishing wells.”

Kermit The Frog: Very nice!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]…and I beleive in Santa Claus
But I can’t believe I’m hosting SNL.”

The Muppets: [ singing ]“No, we can’t believe we’re hosting SNL!”

Jason Segel: Guys?

Kermit The Frog: Yeah?

Miss Piggy: Yes? What is it?

Jason Segel: Well, you know what? Never mind. Let’s just go back to the song.

Kermit The Frog: Okay! Beautiful!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]“Well, I believe in four-leafed clovers.”

Fozzy Bear: Top of the morning!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]“…and I believe in magic spells.”

Kermit The Frog: Abracadabra!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]“…I believe that pigs can fly.”

Miss Piggy: First Class!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]“But I can’t believe I’m hosting SNL.”

The Muppets: [ singing ]“It’s so great that we’re hosting SNL!
As a group, we are hosting SNL!
Yes, The Muppets are hosting SNL!”

[ The Muppets cheer themselves on ]

Jason Segel: You like that idea? Um, guys? I’m starting to worry about something.

Kermit The Frog: Gee, have you considered taking Flomax?

Jason Segel: No, it’s not that. Why would I need Flomax? No, guys, I’m just starting to worry that you think we’re all hosting this together.

Miss Piggy: Oh, well — are we not?

Jason Segel: No.

Miss Piggy: Huh?

Jason Segel: No, Piggy, it’s just me, really…

Kermit The Frog: Oh, gee, Jason. I guess we just thought since we all did a movie together…

[ The Muppets all murmur their agreement ]

Jason Segel: We did. But they usually just pick one of the stars of the movie.

Miss Piggy: [ offended ] Ah! Excuuuuse moi?!

Kermit The Frog: No, no, no, no! Listen, it makes PERFECT SENSE that they would pick Jason, Piggy. I mean, when people go to a MUppet movie, they say: “Gee — I can’t wait to see the HUMAN!”

Jason Segel: You know what? Hey, let’s just get back to the song. Okay?

Scooter: Sure. Whatever.

Jason Segel: [ singing ]“I believe in Goldilocks.”

Kermit The Frog: [ sarcastic ] I bet you do.

Jason Segel: [ singing ]“…I believe that Humpty fell.”

Kermit The Frog: Yeah, right!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]“…I believe in Mother Goose.”

Kermit The Frog: Yeah, I guess.

Jason Segel: [ singing ]“But I can’t beleive I’m hosting SNL.”

The Muppets: [ singing ]“We also can’t believe you’re hosting SNL!
Why would anyone let you host SNL?
This is crazy that you’re hosting SNL!”

Jason Segel: Okay, you know what? You know what? Guys, uh…

The Great Gonzo: What?

Jason Segel: You know, there’s a perfectly good reason why I’m hosting and not you.

Kermit The Frog: Oh, yeah?

Fozzy Bear: Namely?

Jason Segel: [ mimicking ] Namely? Well, I mean, for one — half of you guys aren’t even wearing PANTS!

Kermit The Frog: Heeeey! Come on!

Rolf: That’s hitting below the belt, buddy!

Jason Segel: I’m sorry… I’m sorry.

Kermit The Frog: Yeah, well, you know we try to keep that a secret!

The Great Gonzo: Well… [ he lifts a bag up, and a chicken pops its head out ] I guess the cat’s out of the bag. [ the chicken clucks ] Time to go back in the bag.

Jason Segel: Okay, you know what? forget what I just said. Listen: Maybe hey just picked me because they think — THEY think —

Kermit The Frog: Yeah?

Jason Segel: — that I’m a more versatile performer and that Ican handle a variety show.

Kermit The Frog: Gee, Jason! Maybe you haven’t heard me do my celebrity impressions! You know that I do a GREAT Ray Romano!

Miss Piggy: Mmm-hmm!

The Great Gonzo: Yea! Do Ray! Do Ray!

Kermit The Frog: [ he clears his throat ] “Hi ho! I am Ray Romano! Yayyyyyyy!!”

[ the other Muppets cheer the impression ]

Jason Segel: All of your impressions are you just saying the person’s name in your own voice.

Scooter: Uh — uh — Jason? Jason, with all due respect… The Muppets have been part of “Saturday Night Live” since 1975!

Kermit The Frog: That’s true! That’s true! Look at that! See here?

[ reveal image of Gilda Radner and Scred ]

Jason Segel: Wow. I guess you guys really were here from the beginning?

Kermit The Frog: The very beginning.

The Great Gonzo: I mean, we knew Lorne Michaels when he still said “Aboot”.

Kermit The Frog: That’s right! That’s right!

Miss Piggy: one word he still can’t say — “Residual”!

Kermit The Frog: That’s true. That’s true.

Jason Segel: You know what, Muppets? Listen: I owe you an apology. I mean… this is a big night for me, though, and I was just kind of hoping I could have your support.

The Muppets: I don’t think so… No, not tonight… Not happening!

Jason Segel: You can come to the After Party.

The Muppets: Ohhhhhh!! Yes!! Yes!!

Jason Segel: So! 3… 4!
[ singing ]“I believe in talking bears.”

Fozzy Bear: Wakka wakka!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]“…and I believe in weirdos, too.”

The Great Gonzo: Well, thank you!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]“And I believe that pigs are sexy.”

Miss Piggy: Spoken for!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]“But I can’t believe I’m hosting SNL.”

The Muppets: [ singing ]“We’re so happy that you’re hosting SNL!”

Jason Segel: Thanks, guys!

The Muppets: [ singing ]“You’ll be amazing when you’re hosting SNL!”

Jason Segel: I’ll do my best!

The Muppets: [ singing ]“Yes, we love you and you’re hosting SNL!”

Kermit The Frog: Nice!

[ the audience cheers ]

Miss Piggy: Who’s the musical guest?

Jason Segel: The musical guest? The musical guest is Florence + The Machine.

Miss Piggy: Oh! Oh!

[ cut to Statler and Waldorf in the audience ]

Statler: Hmm… I hope Florence brought a time machine.

Waldorf: Why?

Statler: So we can go back to before we heard that song!

[ they laugh and choke on their laughter ] [ return to Home Base ]

Jason Segel: Stick around! We’ve got a great show, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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