SNL Transcripts: Jason Segel: 11/19/11: Jason Segel’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 7

11g: Jason Segel / Florence + The Machine

Jason Segel’s Monologue

…..Jason Segel
…..Kermit The Frog (Steve Whitmire)
…..Miss Piggy (Eric Jacobson)
…..Fozzy Bear (Eric Jacobson)
…..The Great Gonzo (Dave Goelz)
…..Scooter (David Rudman)
…..Statler & Waldorf (Steve Whitmire, Dave Goelz)

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jason Segel!

Jason Segel: Thank you, thanks, thank you guys so much! Wow! Oh, my God! I mean, I am SO excited to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! I gotta be totally honest, like, the one thing I was really nervous about for tonight was this monologue, ’cause I just have no idea what to say. Uh, if you guys don’t mind, I thought maybe I would sing a song about the way I feel instead? [ the audience cheers excitedly ] I hope there’s a piano behind me. [ he looks ] Oh! Fantastic! Alright, let’s do it.

[ he sits behind the piano and blows into his fists ]

Um — I can’t believe it, but two dreams have come true for me this year: I’m hosting “Saturday Night Live”, and I just made a movie with The Muppets.

Kermit The Frog: Yes, you did!

[ Kermit and Miss Piggy suddenly surround Segel at the piano, as the audience cheers ]

Jason Segel: Guys! What are you doing here?

Kermit The Frog: Well, Jason, where else would we be?

Jason Segel: Well, I was just about to sing a song. I don’t know, would you guys care to join me?

Kermit The Frog: Sure! Let’s get the others! Guys, come on in!

[ the other Muppets join them, as the audience cheers wildly ]

Jason Segel: I didn’t expect you all to be here. Okay, uh — great! 3… 4! [ he starts playing the piano ]

Kermit The Frog: Ooh! That’s what you call a bouncy B-flat!

Jason Segel: That’s right, Kermit.

Kermit The Frog: Very nice!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]“I believe in shooting stars.”

Kermit The Frog: Yeah!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]“…and I believe in wishing wells.”

Kermit The Frog: Very nice!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]…and I beleive in Santa Claus
But I can’t believe I’m hosting SNL.”

The Muppets: [ singing ]“No, we can’t believe we’re hosting SNL!”

Jason Segel: Guys?

Kermit The Frog: Yeah?

Miss Piggy: Yes? What is it?

Jason Segel: Well, you know what? Never mind. Let’s just go back to the song.

Kermit The Frog: Okay! Beautiful!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]“Well, I believe in four-leafed clovers.”

Fozzy Bear: Top of the morning!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]“…and I believe in magic spells.”

Kermit The Frog: Abracadabra!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]“…I believe that pigs can fly.”

Miss Piggy: First Class!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]“But I can’t believe I’m hosting SNL.”

The Muppets: [ singing ]“It’s so great that we’re hosting SNL!
As a group, we are hosting SNL!
Yes, The Muppets are hosting SNL!”

[ The Muppets cheer themselves on ]

Jason Segel: You like that idea? Um, guys? I’m starting to worry about something.

Kermit The Frog: Gee, have you considered taking Flomax?

Jason Segel: No, it’s not that. Why would I need Flomax? No, guys, I’m just starting to worry that you think we’re all hosting this together.

Miss Piggy: Oh, well — are we not?

Jason Segel: No.

Miss Piggy: Huh?

Jason Segel: No, Piggy, it’s just me, really…

Kermit The Frog: Oh, gee, Jason. I guess we just thought since we all did a movie together…

[ The Muppets all murmur their agreement ]

Jason Segel: We did. But they usually just pick one of the stars of the movie.

Miss Piggy: [ offended ] Ah! Excuuuuse moi?!

Kermit The Frog: No, no, no, no! Listen, it makes PERFECT SENSE that they would pick Jason, Piggy. I mean, when people go to a MUppet movie, they say: “Gee — I can’t wait to see the HUMAN!”

Jason Segel: You know what? Hey, let’s just get back to the song. Okay?

Scooter: Sure. Whatever.

Jason Segel: [ singing ]“I believe in Goldilocks.”

Kermit The Frog: [ sarcastic ] I bet you do.

Jason Segel: [ singing ]“…I believe that Humpty fell.”

Kermit The Frog: Yeah, right!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]“…I believe in Mother Goose.”

Kermit The Frog: Yeah, I guess.

Jason Segel: [ singing ]“But I can’t beleive I’m hosting SNL.”

The Muppets: [ singing ]“We also can’t believe you’re hosting SNL!
Why would anyone let you host SNL?
This is crazy that you’re hosting SNL!”

Jason Segel: Okay, you know what? You know what? Guys, uh…

The Great Gonzo: What?

Jason Segel: You know, there’s a perfectly good reason why I’m hosting and not you.

Kermit The Frog: Oh, yeah?

Fozzy Bear: Namely?

Jason Segel: [ mimicking ] Namely? Well, I mean, for one — half of you guys aren’t even wearing PANTS!

Kermit The Frog: Heeeey! Come on!

Rolf: That’s hitting below the belt, buddy!

Jason Segel: I’m sorry… I’m sorry.

Kermit The Frog: Yeah, well, you know we try to keep that a secret!

The Great Gonzo: Well… [ he lifts a bag up, and a chicken pops its head out ] I guess the cat’s out of the bag. [ the chicken clucks ] Time to go back in the bag.

Jason Segel: Okay, you know what? forget what I just said. Listen: Maybe hey just picked me because they think — THEY think —

Kermit The Frog: Yeah?

Jason Segel: — that I’m a more versatile performer and that Ican handle a variety show.

Kermit The Frog: Gee, Jason! Maybe you haven’t heard me do my celebrity impressions! You know that I do a GREAT Ray Romano!

Miss Piggy: Mmm-hmm!

The Great Gonzo: Yea! Do Ray! Do Ray!

Kermit The Frog: [ he clears his throat ] “Hi ho! I am Ray Romano! Yayyyyyyy!!”

[ the other Muppets cheer the impression ]

Jason Segel: All of your impressions are you just saying the person’s name in your own voice.

Scooter: Uh — uh — Jason? Jason, with all due respect… The Muppets have been part of “Saturday Night Live” since 1975!

Kermit The Frog: That’s true! That’s true! Look at that! See here?

[ reveal image of Gilda Radner and Scred ]

Jason Segel: Wow. I guess you guys really were here from the beginning?

Kermit The Frog: The very beginning.

The Great Gonzo: I mean, we knew Lorne Michaels when he still said “Aboot”.

Kermit The Frog: That’s right! That’s right!

Miss Piggy: one word he still can’t say — “Residual”!

Kermit The Frog: That’s true. That’s true.

Jason Segel: You know what, Muppets? Listen: I owe you an apology. I mean… this is a big night for me, though, and I was just kind of hoping I could have your support.

The Muppets: I don’t think so… No, not tonight… Not happening!

Jason Segel: You can come to the After Party.

The Muppets: Ohhhhhh!! Yes!! Yes!!

Jason Segel: So! 3… 4!
[ singing ]“I believe in talking bears.”

Fozzy Bear: Wakka wakka!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]“…and I believe in weirdos, too.”

The Great Gonzo: Well, thank you!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]“And I believe that pigs are sexy.”

Miss Piggy: Spoken for!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]“But I can’t believe I’m hosting SNL.”

The Muppets: [ singing ]“We’re so happy that you’re hosting SNL!”

Jason Segel: Thanks, guys!

The Muppets: [ singing ]“You’ll be amazing when you’re hosting SNL!”

Jason Segel: I’ll do my best!

The Muppets: [ singing ]“Yes, we love you and you’re hosting SNL!”

Kermit The Frog: Nice!

[ the audience cheers ]

Miss Piggy: Who’s the musical guest?

Jason Segel: The musical guest? The musical guest is Florence + The Machine.

Miss Piggy: Oh! Oh!

[ cut to Statler and Waldorf in the audience ]

Statler: Hmm… I hope Florence brought a time machine.

Waldorf: Why?

Statler: So we can go back to before we heard that song!

[ they laugh and choke on their laughter ] [ return to Home Base ]

Jason Segel: Stick around! We’ve got a great show, we’ll be right back!

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