SNL Transcripts: Jason Segel: 11/19/11: Mitt Romney: Raw & Unleashed!



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  Season 37: Episode 7














11g: Jason Segel / Florence + The Machine

Mitt Romney: Raw & Unleashed!

Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Deborah Singer…..Kristen Wiig
Campaign Aide #1…..Taran Killam
Campaign Aide #2…..Jay Pharoah

Announcer: And now a message from the Committee to Elect Mitt Romney.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney sitting on his desk ]

Mitt Romney: Hello! Hi there! Hi there, America, you know me — I’m Mitt Romney, candidate for President and the current leader in the polls for the Republican nomination. But you don’t hear much about me in the news, because the other candidates, like Herman Cain and Rick Perry, are hogging all the headlines with sex scandals and whoopsie-daisies! That’s why my staff and I decided that I was too boring, and there fore I should become 15 to 17% more edgy. So tonight, Mitt Romney is really gonna let loose! Get ready for Mitt Romney: Raw & Unleashed!

[ show graphic slide: “MITT ROMNEY RAW & UNLEASHED” ]

[ Romney unbuttons his suit jacket and smiles ]

Mitt Romney: Because just like Herman Cain, I got a whole heap of skeletons in my closet as well. In fact, sometimes I open my closet and I think: “Is this the graveyard?” Because there’s so many skeletons inside! [ he laughs ] Was there a sex scandal in my past? Could be. Could be. Why don’t we ask one of my former employees — Deborah Singer?

[ Deborah Singer enters ]

Deborah Singer: Hey, Mr. Romney.

Mitt Romney: [ casual cool ] Hel-lo, Deborah! So, Deborah, without getting too graphic, did I ever treat you in a way that, you know, might be construed by some of those prudes out there as sexual harrassment?

Deborah Singer: [ shaking her head ] Nope.

Mitt Romney: Nothing?

Deborah Singer: [ thinking ] Nope.

Mitt Romney: I never made a comment about your clothing?

Deborah Singer: You said I was a sharp dresser.

Mitt Romney: [ excited ] Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Over the line! Over the line! Man, keep me away from the ladies, because I’m a real dog — bark, bark!

[ Deborah slinks away slowly ]

Mitt Romney: [ laughing, as he buttons his jacket back up ] This is making me uncomfortable, actually… Now the media’s gonna have a FIELD DAY with that, okay? But, hey — that’s just Mitt Romney: Raw & Unleashed!

[ show graphic slide: “MITT ROMNEY RAW & UNLEASHED” ]

Mitt Romney: Another thing you might not know about Mitt Romney, is that I have a real doozy of a temper. Sometimes I just go OFF! Like yesterday, one of my aides brought me a lukewarm tea, and I just yelled at him. I said, “Stop that! Don’t! Please.” Alright? I just threw the tea right down the sink, and I rinsed out that cup!

Now, Rick Perry and Herman Cain are also getting attention for flubbing some straightforward policy questions. So I’ve planned my ,i>own embarrassing mistake. Here it is.

[ campaign aide steps forward ]

Campaign Aide #1: Governor Romney? What would be your first act as President?

Mitt Romney: Well, if elected President, my first act would be to repeal Obama Hair. Oooooops! I mean, Obama Care! [ he laughs ] What an endearing flub! That mistake is sure to haunt my campaign, but also humanize me. Thanks, Jeff!

[ campaign aide walks away shaking his head ]

Mitt Romney: Typical of Mitt Romney: Raw & Unleashed!

[ show graphic slide: “MITT ROMNEY RAW & UNLEASHED” ]

Mitt Romney: Hey — let’s answer some fan mail, shall we? [ he grabs a letter ] Alright, let’s see — ooh! This first one’s written in lipstick! “Dear Mitt: I noticed you have a vacation home in San Diego.” That’s true. “Are you worried that people will think you’re too “Hollyowod”, that you’re all sex appeal and no substance?” Yes, I worry about that very much. I really do. That question was from my wife… Ann Romney. Alright… okay, here. [ he picks up another letter ] This next one’s from my eldest son — Taggert. “You were Governor of Massachusetts. That must have ROCKED, huh, Father?” [ he kisses the letter ] I love that kid! Yes, Taggery! It very much, indeed, did rock. Yeah. It rocked harder than a Josh Groban concert!

And, finally, speaking of some rock ‘n roll, I’d like to put on a leather jacket, just to show you how edgy I really am. [ he removes his jacket as a Black campaign aide brings him a leather jacket ] Alright, thank you, My Man! [ the aide shakes his head and walsk away, as Romney changes into the leather jacket ] Oh, it’s heavy! [ he smiles ] There you go! Don’t I look comfortable and natural? I should. As you get to know me, I think you’ll find that “Danger” is my middle name. Actually, my middle name’s “Mitt”. You know, my first name is “Willard”. Yeah. So, actually, I guess it’s “Willard Mitt “DANGER” Romney”, JD, MBA! Alright?

I’ll see y’all on the campaign trail. “Live form New York, it’s Saturday Niiight!”

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