Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 7
An SNL Digital Short
Woman #1…..Nasim Pedrad
Woman #2…..Abby Elliott
Woman #3…..Kristen Wiig
Woman #4…..Olivia Wilde
Instructor: Chess! For centuries, it’s confounded men and aroused women. Tonight, I’ll teach you how to stay three moves ahead. Welcome… to “Seducing Women… Through Chess!”[ title card absorbs the screen ] [ lightning strikes mark the dissolve back to Instructor, who stands before Woman #1 at the chessboard ]
Instructor: There is no greater joust of the mind than the game Chess. Each move represents thousands of choices made or unmade. The game, much like the mind of a woman, is a dance of seduction.
Woman #1: Checkmate!
Instructor: DAMMIT!![ checkerboard dissolve to the Instructor approaching second woman at a chessboard ]
Instructor: Chess. A game as ancient as it is mysterious. Knight takes Rook, Bishop takes Pawn, and King takes…
Woman #2: Checkmate!
Instructor: Nooooo!![ checkerboard dissolve to a makeshift “Checkers” sign, as he approaches a woman at a checkerboard ]
Instructor: Checkers. A game of seemingly simpler taste. But did you know that checkers was the key to a woman’s heart? Especially when it’s her first time. Your move, my dear.[ she jumps her black checker over all of his red checkers, even across an adjacent board ]
Woman #3: King me!
Instructor: FUCK!! [ he shoves her ]
Woman #3: Hey![ checkerboard dissolve to the Instructor standing in front of a Jenga tower ]
Instructor: The game of Jenga! [ he swings his arm back and accidentally knocks down the Jenga tower, then growls at his bad fortune ][ checkerboard dissolve to the Instructor holding a glass in front of a woman ]
Instructor: Eating glass! Most chicks can’t do it. So if you can… that might be attractive to them?[ she shakes her head No ] [ he struggles to eat the glass, cutting his mouth in various places and trying to maintain the art of seduction as his mouth bleeds ]
Instructor: He-e-e-eyy![ checkerboard dissolve to the Instructor with tiny bandages all around his mouth ]
Instructor: Hiring a prostitute. It’s a tradition as old as time. The ruels are simple; Give them money, and they are seduced.
Prostitute: [ deep-voiced ] $5,000.
Instructor: What?! I only have, like, sixty bucks. [ he pulls out that money ] [ the prostitute grabs the money and knifes the Instructor in the belly and runs ]
Instructor: Ohhh! He stabbed me! Ohhh! I’m dying! I’m dying, and I never made sex to a girl! Goodbye, my love…[ the prostitute runs back in and worls the chessboard ]
Instructor: FUCK!![ cut to end credits card ] [ fade ]