SNL Transcripts: Jason Segel: 11/19/11: An SNL Digital Short


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 7

11g: Jason Segel / Florence + The Machine

An SNL Digital Short

Instructor…..Andy Samberg
Woman #1…..Nasim Pedrad
Woman #2…..Abby Elliott
Woman #3…..Kristen Wiig
Woman #4…..Olivia Wilde
Prostitute…..Jason Segel

[ title card: “An SNL Digital Short” ] [ dissolve to Instructor holding a chess pawn in the palm of his hand ]

Instructor: Chess! For centuries, it’s confounded men and aroused women. Tonight, I’ll teach you how to stay three moves ahead. Welcome… to “Seducing Women… Through Chess!”

[ title card absorbs the screen ] [ lightning strikes mark the dissolve back to Instructor, who stands before Woman #1 at the chessboard ]

Instructor: There is no greater joust of the mind than the game Chess. Each move represents thousands of choices made or unmade. The game, much like the mind of a woman, is a dance of seduction.

Woman #1: Checkmate!

Instructor: DAMMIT!!

[ checkerboard dissolve to the Instructor approaching second woman at a chessboard ]

Instructor: Chess. A game as ancient as it is mysterious. Knight takes Rook, Bishop takes Pawn, and King takes…

Woman #2: Checkmate!

Instructor: Nooooo!!

[ checkerboard dissolve to a makeshift “Checkers” sign, as he approaches a woman at a checkerboard ]

Instructor: Checkers. A game of seemingly simpler taste. But did you know that checkers was the key to a woman’s heart? Especially when it’s her first time. Your move, my dear.

[ she jumps her black checker over all of his red checkers, even across an adjacent board ]

Woman #3: King me!

Instructor: FUCK!! [ he shoves her ]

Woman #3: Hey!

[ checkerboard dissolve to the Instructor standing in front of a Jenga tower ]

Instructor: The game of Jenga! [ he swings his arm back and accidentally knocks down the Jenga tower, then growls at his bad fortune ]

[ checkerboard dissolve to the Instructor holding a glass in front of a woman ]

Instructor: Eating glass! Most chicks can’t do it. So if you can… that might be attractive to them?

[ she shakes her head No ] [ he struggles to eat the glass, cutting his mouth in various places and trying to maintain the art of seduction as his mouth bleeds ]

Instructor: He-e-e-eyy!

[ checkerboard dissolve to the Instructor with tiny bandages all around his mouth ]

Instructor: Hiring a prostitute. It’s a tradition as old as time. The ruels are simple; Give them money, and they are seduced.

Prostitute: [ deep-voiced ] $5,000.

Instructor: What?! I only have, like, sixty bucks. [ he pulls out that money ] [ the prostitute grabs the money and knifes the Instructor in the belly and runs ]

Instructor: Ohhh! He stabbed me! Ohhh! I’m dying! I’m dying, and I never made sex to a girl! Goodbye, my love…

[ the prostitute runs back in and worls the chessboard ]

Prostitute: Checkmate!

Instructor: FUCK!!

[ cut to end credits card ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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