SNL Transcripts: Jason Segel: 11/19/11: An SNL Digital Short

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 7

11g: Jason Segel / Florence + The Machine

An SNL Digital Short

Instructor…..Andy Samberg
Woman #1…..Nasim Pedrad
Woman #2…..Abby Elliott
Woman #3…..Kristen Wiig
Woman #4…..Olivia Wilde
Prostitute…..Jason Segel

[ title card: “An SNL Digital Short” ] [ dissolve to Instructor holding a chess pawn in the palm of his hand ]

Instructor: Chess! For centuries, it’s confounded men and aroused women. Tonight, I’ll teach you how to stay three moves ahead. Welcome… to “Seducing Women… Through Chess!”

[ title card absorbs the screen ] [ lightning strikes mark the dissolve back to Instructor, who stands before Woman #1 at the chessboard ]

Instructor: There is no greater joust of the mind than the game Chess. Each move represents thousands of choices made or unmade. The game, much like the mind of a woman, is a dance of seduction.

Woman #1: Checkmate!

Instructor: DAMMIT!!

[ checkerboard dissolve to the Instructor approaching second woman at a chessboard ]

Instructor: Chess. A game as ancient as it is mysterious. Knight takes Rook, Bishop takes Pawn, and King takes…

Woman #2: Checkmate!

Instructor: Nooooo!!

[ checkerboard dissolve to a makeshift “Checkers” sign, as he approaches a woman at a checkerboard ]

Instructor: Checkers. A game of seemingly simpler taste. But did you know that checkers was the key to a woman’s heart? Especially when it’s her first time. Your move, my dear.

[ she jumps her black checker over all of his red checkers, even across an adjacent board ]

Woman #3: King me!

Instructor: FUCK!! [ he shoves her ]

Woman #3: Hey!

[ checkerboard dissolve to the Instructor standing in front of a Jenga tower ]

Instructor: The game of Jenga! [ he swings his arm back and accidentally knocks down the Jenga tower, then growls at his bad fortune ]

[ checkerboard dissolve to the Instructor holding a glass in front of a woman ]

Instructor: Eating glass! Most chicks can’t do it. So if you can… that might be attractive to them?

[ she shakes her head No ] [ he struggles to eat the glass, cutting his mouth in various places and trying to maintain the art of seduction as his mouth bleeds ]

Instructor: He-e-e-eyy!

[ checkerboard dissolve to the Instructor with tiny bandages all around his mouth ]

Instructor: Hiring a prostitute. It’s a tradition as old as time. The ruels are simple; Give them money, and they are seduced.

Prostitute: [ deep-voiced ] $5,000.

Instructor: What?! I only have, like, sixty bucks. [ he pulls out that money ] [ the prostitute grabs the money and knifes the Instructor in the belly and runs ]

Instructor: Ohhh! He stabbed me! Ohhh! I’m dying! I’m dying, and I never made sex to a girl! Goodbye, my love…

[ the prostitute runs back in and worls the chessboard ]

Prostitute: Checkmate!

Instructor: FUCK!!

[ cut to end credits card ] [ fade ]

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