Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 7
11g: Jason Segel / Florence + The Machine
An SNL Digital Short
Instructor…..Andy Samberg
Woman #1…..Nasim Pedrad
Woman #2…..Abby Elliott
Woman #3…..Kristen Wiig
Woman #4…..Olivia Wilde
Prostitute…..Jason Segel
[ title card: “An SNL Digital Short” ]
[ dissolve to Instructor holding a chess pawn in the palm of his hand ]
Instructor: Chess! For centuries, it’s confounded men and aroused women. Tonight, I’ll teach you how to stay three moves ahead. Welcome… to “Seducing Women… Through Chess!”
[ title card absorbs the screen ]
[ lightning strikes mark the dissolve back to Instructor, who stands before Woman #1 at the chessboard ]
Instructor: There is no greater joust of the mind than the game Chess. Each move represents thousands of choices made or unmade. The game, much like the mind of a woman, is a dance of seduction.
Woman #1: Checkmate!
Instructor: DAMMIT!!
[ checkerboard dissolve to the Instructor approaching second woman at a chessboard ]
Instructor: Chess. A game as ancient as it is mysterious. Knight takes Rook, Bishop takes Pawn, and King takes…
Woman #2: Checkmate!
Instructor: Nooooo!!
[ checkerboard dissolve to a makeshift “Checkers” sign, as he approaches a woman at a checkerboard ]
Instructor: Checkers. A game of seemingly simpler taste. But did you know that checkers was the key to a woman’s heart? Especially when it’s her first time. Your move, my dear.
[ she jumps her black checker over all of his red checkers, even across an adjacent board ]
Woman #3: King me!
Instructor: FUCK!! [ he shoves her ]
Woman #3: Hey!
[ checkerboard dissolve to the Instructor standing in front of a Jenga tower ]
Instructor: The game of Jenga! [ he swings his arm back and accidentally knocks down the Jenga tower, then growls at his bad fortune ]
[ checkerboard dissolve to the Instructor holding a glass in front of a woman ]
Instructor: Eating glass! Most chicks can’t do it. So if you can… that might be attractive to them?
[ she shakes her head No ]
[ he struggles to eat the glass, cutting his mouth in various places and trying to maintain the art of seduction as his mouth bleeds ]
Instructor: He-e-e-eyy!
[ checkerboard dissolve to the Instructor with tiny bandages all around his mouth ]
Instructor: Hiring a prostitute. It’s a tradition as old as time. The ruels are simple; Give them money, and they are seduced.
Prostitute: [ deep-voiced ] $5,000.
Instructor: What?! I only have, like, sixty bucks. [ he pulls out that money ]
[ the prostitute grabs the money and knifes the Instructor in the belly and runs ]
Instructor: Ohhh! He stabbed me! Ohhh! I’m dying! I’m dying, and I never made sex to a girl! Goodbye, my love…
[ the prostitute runs back in and worls the chessboard ]
Prostitute: Checkmate!
Instructor: FUCK!!
[ cut to end credits card ]
[ fade ]
