SNL Transcripts: Steve Buscemi: 12/03/11: Steve Buscemi’s Monologue



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  Season 37: Episode 8






















11h: Steve Buscemi / The Black Keys

Steve Buscemi’s Monologue

…..Steve Buscemi
Roz…..Abby Elliott
Chance…..Kenan Thompson
Tex…..Bill Hader
Judge…..Jay Pharoah
Granny…..Nasim Pedrad
Jock…..Andy Samberg
Drunk…..Bobby Moynihan
Horror Girl…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Steve Buscemi!

Steve Buscemi: Thank you! Thank you very much! I am really very excited to be here! It’s been a few years since I’ve hosted “Saturday Night Live”, and in that time… I’ve done a lot of movies, a little directing, but, best of all, I got to be the LEAD on HBO’s “Boardwalk Empire”. [ the audience cheers ] A series that follows the seedy underworld of 1920’s Atlantic City. It’s hard to believe, but, back then, Jersey Shore was home to some pretty disgusting people. The success I’ve had with “Boardwalk Empire” is kind of special for me. You see, for a long time I played supporting characters — like the creepy bellhop… the creepy homeless guy… or the creepy creepy guy. Even though I love those roles, I’m excited that I made the leap from character actor to LEAD actor.

[ cut to woman in the audience holding shopping bags ]

Roz: Uh — excuse me?

Steve Buscemi: Yes?

Roz: Hi! I’m Roz. I’m a character actress.

Steve Buscemi: Oh. Well, what characters do you play?

Roz: Well, actually, I only play the clumsy best friend in romantic comedies. How can I get a lead role like you?

Steve Buscemi: That’s a good question, Roz. It’s hard to get lead roles.

Roz: Gosh! Of course! Duh! Come on, Roz! This is why I’m single! [ suddenly, she loses her footing and flails wildly to the floor ]

Steve Buscemi: Is she okay?

Chance: Oh, she’ll be fine! She just needs to get a twinkle pack!

Steve Buscemi: Have me wet?

Chance: No, but folks call me Chance! I always play the magical African-American character in films. Yeah, I give the pretty white guy ad-vice. But now I want to be the lead!

Steve Buscemi: Oh. That’s interesting. What kind of project would you be the lead in?

Chance: Well, it would be a show where I chew a straw! [ he chews on his straw ] And chuckle to myself! [ he chuckles ] Yeah — and give people ad-vice. As soon as the ad-vice works, however, I disappear! [ he lowers himself from camera view, though still within frame ]

Steve Buscemi: Uhhh — I can still see you. Alright, look — I’m glad you’re all particpating and excited, but —

Tex: Yeah, I’m excited! I’m Tex! And I always play the guy in war movies you just KNOW is gonna die! Can you help me get a lead role?

Steve Buscemi: Probably not, Tex.

Tex: You want to see a picture of my girl? I kep it right under my grenade pin. Uh, here you go… [ he fidgets with his grenade ]

Steve Buscemi: Stop, stop, Tex! We don’t need to see the picture.

Judge: [ waving a gavel ] I’ll allow the photo, Counselor!

Steve Buscemi: Who are you?

Judge: I’m a sassy female judge from many a legal thriller. I can’t stand nonsense in my courtroom… but I will allow it.

Steve Buscemi: Ma’am? I appreciate it, but everyone could stop jumping up, okay?

Dude: Heyyyy, Bro! [ a beat ] Yuo take care of her.

Steve Buscemi: What’s your whole deal?

Dude: I’m the dude who loses his girlfriend in a movie but tells the new guy: “Hey, Bro! You take care of her.”

Steve Buscemi: Okay, I’m sorry you lost your girl…

Granny: Oh, yeah! If you want someone to get freaky with, I’ll knock boots, Player!

Steve Buscemi: Ohhh… you’re that Granny character, who says dirty and/or hip-hop things.

Granny: Oh! You got me straight-tripping, whoo!

Steve Buscemi: Okay, look — I’m hosting right now, so here’s what we have to do —

Drunk: I know what we have to do! VEGAS!

Steve Buscemi: I am NOT going to Las Vegas! Any other ideas?

Drunk: Ummmm — [ she shakes his head ] Vegas?

Steve Buscemi: Okay. I’ll give everyone advice, but then we move on. If you learn your lines, work hard, cross your fingers… maybe — just maybe — you’ll get to be a leading actor.

Horror Girl: Steve! [ wielding a rubber knife ] I’m the helpless girl from horror movies who can’t find her friends! [ flailing wildly ] STEVE!! Steve, where are you?! I can’t see anything!!

Steve Buscemi: I’m behind you. Hold the knife steady! You’re holding it like a hair dryer.

Horror Girl: Who’s there?! Steve! Steve, this isn’t funny! Steve!

Steve Buscemi: I’m right here! Uh, we’ve got a great show! The Black Keys are here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

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