SNL Transcripts: Steve Buscemi: 12/03/11: Ornaments



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 8
















11h: Steve Buscemi / The Black Keys

Ornaments

Male Sheila…..Steve Buscemi
Sheila…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on Christmas setting, Male Sheila seated before the tree holding a box of ornaments on his lap ]

Male Sheila: Oh. Hello. Well, it’s that time of year again — time to unpack the ol’ Christmas ornaments. Let’s see what we’ve got. [ he pulls out an ornament ] This one’s a little reindeer wearing a hat. It’s cute as heck! At least, I think so. Sheila, would you hang this, please?

[ reveal Sheila standing before the tree in a long, bright yellow robe ]

Sheila: [ smiling emptily ] Okay, well…

Male Sheila: This is, uh, a little Santa Claus in sunglasses. When I saw this, I was, like, “Santa’s on va-cay!” Okay? [ he hands it over to Sheila and pulls out the next ornament ] Here’s a little ski man. I tried to return this one because it only has one ski pole… but when I went back, the store had blown up. [ he hands it to Sheila ] You look very good tonight, Sheila.

Sheila: [ dumbly ] I know.

Male Sheila: She’s great. [ he holds up the next ornament ] Now, this is a little snowman. Ow! he bit me! I’m fully kidding. [ he hands it over to Sheila and pulls out the next ornament ] This one’s just a candy cane. Alright? [ he hands it to Sheila, then grimaces ] Sheila! What the heck are you doing? [ Sheila stares at the tree ] You can’t hang all the ornaments in one spot!

Sheila: [ she shrugs ] I know.

Male Sheila: Oh, wow! This one’s from my very first Christmas. [ he holds up the ornmament, dated “2008” ] 2008. [ he shrugs ] I just never heard of it! It never came up! [ he hands it over to Sheila and pulls out the next ornament ] This one’s a little computer. [ he touches the keys ] Beep-boop-beep! [ he hands it over to Sheila and pulls out the next ornament ] This one’s a little pine cone. [ he touches the pine cone ] Beep-boop-beep! [ he hands it over to Sheila and pulls out the next ornament ] Alright, quick — name this baby! If you said Larry… you’re close. It’s Jesus. [ he turns to Sheila ] Oh, no, Sheila! What are you doing?

[ Sheila is placing the ornaments along the window ]

Sheila: You said spread ’em out. [ she tosses an ornament to the floor ]

Male Sheila: This broad is trying to gaslight me. [ he pulls out the next ornament ] This one’s a little igloo. I wouldn’t want to live in there. Just kidding. I’d like to own any home. [ he pulls up an ornament from under his chair ] This one’s been up my butt. Not just a little bit — all the way. [ he turns to Sheila and grimaces ] Sheila! What the heck? [ the tree is gone ] Where’s the tree?!

Sheila: [ she shrugs ] It’s not here.

Male Sheila: [ he sighs ] Ohhhh, Sheila. [ an egg nog is handed to him ] Ooooh! Egg nog margarita! Well, ’tis the season! Merry Christmas, Sheila.

Sheila: Merry Christmas, Sheila.

[ they toast their glasses ] [ cut to title card ]

Announcer: Happy Holidays from Sheila and Sheila.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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