SNL Transcripts: Steve Buscemi: 12/03/11: Ornaments

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 8

11h: Steve Buscemi / The Black Keys

Ornaments

Male Sheila…..Steve Buscemi
Sheila…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on Christmas setting, Male Sheila seated before the tree holding a box of ornaments on his lap ]

Male Sheila: Oh. Hello. Well, it’s that time of year again — time to unpack the ol’ Christmas ornaments. Let’s see what we’ve got. [ he pulls out an ornament ] This one’s a little reindeer wearing a hat. It’s cute as heck! At least, I think so. Sheila, would you hang this, please?

[ reveal Sheila standing before the tree in a long, bright yellow robe ]

Sheila: [ smiling emptily ] Okay, well…

Male Sheila: This is, uh, a little Santa Claus in sunglasses. When I saw this, I was, like, “Santa’s on va-cay!” Okay? [ he hands it over to Sheila and pulls out the next ornament ] Here’s a little ski man. I tried to return this one because it only has one ski pole… but when I went back, the store had blown up. [ he hands it to Sheila ] You look very good tonight, Sheila.

Sheila: [ dumbly ] I know.

Male Sheila: She’s great. [ he holds up the next ornament ] Now, this is a little snowman. Ow! he bit me! I’m fully kidding. [ he hands it over to Sheila and pulls out the next ornament ] This one’s just a candy cane. Alright? [ he hands it to Sheila, then grimaces ] Sheila! What the heck are you doing? [ Sheila stares at the tree ] You can’t hang all the ornaments in one spot!

Sheila: [ she shrugs ] I know.

Male Sheila: Oh, wow! This one’s from my very first Christmas. [ he holds up the ornmament, dated “2008” ] 2008. [ he shrugs ] I just never heard of it! It never came up! [ he hands it over to Sheila and pulls out the next ornament ] This one’s a little computer. [ he touches the keys ] Beep-boop-beep! [ he hands it over to Sheila and pulls out the next ornament ] This one’s a little pine cone. [ he touches the pine cone ] Beep-boop-beep! [ he hands it over to Sheila and pulls out the next ornament ] Alright, quick — name this baby! If you said Larry… you’re close. It’s Jesus. [ he turns to Sheila ] Oh, no, Sheila! What are you doing?

[ Sheila is placing the ornaments along the window ]

Sheila: You said spread ’em out. [ she tosses an ornament to the floor ]

Male Sheila: This broad is trying to gaslight me. [ he pulls out the next ornament ] This one’s a little igloo. I wouldn’t want to live in there. Just kidding. I’d like to own any home. [ he pulls up an ornament from under his chair ] This one’s been up my butt. Not just a little bit — all the way. [ he turns to Sheila and grimaces ] Sheila! What the heck? [ the tree is gone ] Where’s the tree?!

Sheila: [ she shrugs ] It’s not here.

Male Sheila: [ he sighs ] Ohhhh, Sheila. [ an egg nog is handed to him ] Ooooh! Egg nog margarita! Well, ’tis the season! Merry Christmas, Sheila.

Sheila: Merry Christmas, Sheila.

[ they toast their glasses ]

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: Happy Holidays from Sheila and Sheila.

[ fade ]

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