SNL Transcripts: Steve Buscemi: 12/03/11: “Sex” Ed Vincent’s Couples Workshop Sex Intensive

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 8

11h: Steve Buscemi / The Black Keys

“Sex” Ed Vincent’s Couples Workshop Sex Intensive

Ed Vincent…..Paul Brittain
Dustin Van Camp…..Steve Buscemi

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] The following is a paid advertisement for Ed Vincent’s Sex Symposium.

[ cut to close-up of Ed Vincent ]

Ed Vincent: Hello! My name is Ed Vincent, I’m a sex education educator. So you can call me “Sex” Ed — that’s me. “Sex” Ed — that’s me!

[ SUPER: “The following is required by NYSBSH” ]

Ed Vincent: The New York Board of Sexual Health requires me to read the following disclaimer: “Ed Vincent has NO authority to give advice in matters relating to sex. Do the opposite of what he says”? His opinions should be regarded as farcical”? What?! Well, I don’t know about that. What I do know is that you can put the sex spark back in your marriage by attendng —

[ cut to Symposium graphics ]

Ed Vincent V/O: Ed Vincent’s Couples Workshop Sex Intensive.

[ show footage of the 3 Day Seminar ]

Ed Vincent V/O: You’ll be treated to a series of lectures that’ll help you pump some razzle-dazzle back into your love life. Covering topics like: Aphrodisiacs… [ footage of Ed tossing a streamer across the room ] Sounds That Arouse… [ footage of Ed enticing a woman in the crowd with a cowbell ] and Changing The Routine. [ footage of Ed lying on his back with his legs spread in the air ]

[ wipe to Ed demonstrating with a coffee pot ]

Ed Vincent: What if we replace your regular coffee filter with… [ he pulls out a pair of women’s panties ] a pair of women’s underpants? Right? [ a mna in the crowd doesn’t seem amused ] And that’s a great way to kickstart your morning!

[ wipe to Ed giving another demonstration ]

Ed Vincent: Spice thing up with sexy love coupons. One right here says: “One Free Dry Hump”. [ he holds up the coupon ] Alright? Here’s another one: “You Can Go To Town On Me”. Okay? A little more open-ended.

[ a man in the crowd jots these phrases down ]

Ed Vincent V/O: You can also surprise your spouse in the spouse with: Shower Surprises.

[ two men from the crowd hold up a spotted shower curtain ]

[ Ed appears from behind the curtain with pool floaties on his arm ]

[ SUPER: “Mr. Floaties” ]

[ next, Ed appears from behind the curtain while blowing a party favor ]

[ SUPER: “It’s Your Birthday” ]

[ next, Ed appears from behind the curtain weilding a rubber knife ]

[ SUPER: “The Psycho” — “DO NOT ATTEMPT” ]

[ next, Ed appears from behind the curtain while wearing a Ronald Reagan mask ]

[ SUPER: “The Reagan” ]

[ wipe to Day 2, with guest speaker ]

Ed Vincent V/O: On Day 2, we’ll hear from guest speaker — The Erotic Chef, Dustin Van Camp.

Dustin Van Camp: Now, we tend to think of the kitchen as a boring place. But what if I told you that food can be sexy? [ a woman in the crowd looks dubious ] Now, what do we got here? Just another old boring hot dog on a plate. But — what if I took these two grapes, and I put them at the bottom of the hot dog? [ he demonstrates the phallic imagery ] I think you all know where I’m going with that! [ another woman looks embarrassed ]

[ wipe to the Erotic Chef’s next demonstration ]

Dustin Van Camp: Now, what do we got here? Boring old cantaloupes sitting next to each other on a plate? I couldn’t be less aroused. But — what if I took these two red Lifesavers, and I just plopped them… [ he demonstrates ] I think you know where I’m going with that! I just plop one of these hot dogs right in the center, and… [ he holds up the obscene imagery ] and Voila!

[ wipe to Day 3 graphics ]

Ed Vincent V/O: In Day 3, we’ll move to the bedroom with techniques for heterosexual couples, as well as same sex couples.

Ed Vincent: Same sex couples need to spice things up in the bedroom as well, okay? Here’s an exciting change of pace for you. [ he holds two fingers together at a perpendicular angle ] Everybody see that? That’s a front of a penis… pushing into a nice side of a penis. Just like that. Here’s another one called “The Credit Card”, alright? [ he demonstrates ] You got a side of a penis and a side of a penis, right? Run it across. It says “Swipe card again.” Alright? Run it across… swipe card again, it says. Run it across one more time. “Transaction authorized”? I think we all know what that means. Alright? Here’s another one I call “Bumps On A Log”. [ he demonstrates ] Alright? You just swoop across — top of a penis, like that. [ he holds up his fist ] These are NARDS here, okay? This is two dudes, again — you just get bottom of the nards against the top of the penis… bottom of the nards against the top of the penis… bottom of the nards against the top of the penis. [ the Erotic Chef smokes as he watches ] And on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on!

[ wipe to Ed Vincent performing a bondage demonstration and passing out star balloons to his group ]

Ed Vincent V/O: So come on down to “Sex” Ed Vincent’s Couples Workshop Sex Intensive, at the Raymondville State Park EconoLodge — December 4th, 5th… and from 8 a.m. until checkout on the 6th.

[ cut to Ed Vincent holding his fingers in the Credit Card position ]

Ed Vincent: All major credit cards… [ he swipes his fingers ] accepted! Swipe again!

[ Disclaimer: “Cash is the preferred method of payment” ]

[ fade ]

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