SNL Transcripts: Steve Buscemi: 12/03/11: An SNL Digital Short


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 8

11h: Steve Buscemi / The Black Keys

An SNL Digital Short

Jim Gordon…..Steve Buscemi
Batman…..Andy Samberg
Aquaman…..Paul Brittain
Doctor…..Jason Sudeikis
Wife…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on Gotham City — night ] [ standing on a rooftop, Commissioner Jim Gordon turns on the Bat Signal and waits ]

Batman: Looking for someone?

Jim Gordon: [ startled ] Geez, Batman — you snuck up on me.

Batman: I think there’s something fishy going on in Arkham!

Jim Gordon: The Joker?

Batman: Only one way to find out!

Jim Gordon: Great. I’ll send out an APB. [ he turns his head for a split-second ] Yuo let me know what you find — [ he realizes Batman is gone ] He likes to do that…

[ transition from nighttime city sweep to Jim Gordon’s kitchen, as he opens the fridge and digs into a Haagan-Daaz container ] [ suddenly, Batman pushes the fridge door closed ]

Batman: You really ought to get a BOWL!

Jim Gordon: [ startled ] What the hell are you doing here?!

Batman: I think the Scarecrow’s up to something!

Jim Gordon: Okay, I’ll look into it… but can you let me know you’re coming next time?

Batman: No one in Gotham will be SAFE if we don’t stop him!

Jim Gordon: Fine! I’ll put in a call and have them do a sweep down in — [ he looks up, but Batman is gone ] What a weirdo!

[ transition from daytime city sweep to Jim Gordon scrubbing in the shower ] [ he turns and is startled by Batman’s presence in his shower ]


Batman: Aquaman, too!

Aquaman: [ meekly ] The water’s off in my building.

Jim Gordon: Get out, NOW! And put some pants on!

[ wide shot reveals all three men are bottomless, as Aquaman slowly looks down at Jim Gordon’s penis ] [ cut to Jim Gordon at his doctor’s office ]

Doctor: Well… Jim, you’re in great health. All we gotta do is check the ol’ prostate, and we’ll get you out of here.

Jim Gordon: Great. Let’s get this over with.

[ the doctor tightens his surgical glove, as Jim winches ] [ suddenly, Batman rises over Jim ]

Batman: The Penguin got a credit card!

Jim Gordon: [ annoyed ] GET OUT OF HERE!!

Batman: FINE!!

[ Batman smiles and raises a digital camera for a compromising photo, as the doctor poses behind Jim, then he disappears ] [ transition from nighttime city sweep to Jim Gordon’s bedroom, as he sits in bed next to his wife ]

Jim Gordon: He has no boundaries.

Wife: Well, you don’t need any boundaries with me, Mister.

Jim Gordon: Is that so? [ he drops his newspaper ] Well, I’m happy to oblige, my lady…

[ Jim jumps on top of his wife, only to find Batman lying in her place ]

Batman: Her Riddler costume is weird!

Jim Gordon: [ outraged ] OH, COME ON!! [ he jumps to his feet ] WHERE’S MY WIFE?!

Wife: Over here.

[ reveal his wife wearing a Riddler costume ]

Wife: He made me put this on.

Batman: See how WEIRD it is!

Jim Gordon: That’s it! Don’t ever TALK to me again!

Batman: FINE!! [ he stomps away ]

Jim Gordon: Unbelievable!

[ Batman reappears in a squirrel costume ]

Batman: Hey! I’m the Squirrel! I’m a new villain that’s gonna take over Gotham — but Batman won’t stop me because you were MEAN to him!

Jim Gordon: Take that off, Moron!

[ Batman appears behind Jim ]

Batman: I’ve always loved you!

[ Batman logo zooms forward ]

Jingle: Batman!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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