Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 8
An SNL Digital Short
Jim Gordon…..Steve Buscemi
[ open on Gotham City — night ]
[ standing on a rooftop, Commissioner Jim Gordon turns on the Bat Signal and waits ]
Batman: Looking for someone?
Jim Gordon: [ startled ] Geez, Batman — you snuck up on me.
Batman: I think there’s something fishy going on in Arkham!
Jim Gordon: The Joker?
Batman: Only one way to find out!
Jim Gordon: Great. I’ll send out an APB. [ he turns his head for a split-second ] Yuo let me know what you find — [ he realizes Batman is gone ] He likes to do that…
[ transition from nighttime city sweep to Jim Gordon’s kitchen, as he opens the fridge and digs into a Haagan-Daaz container ]
[ suddenly, Batman pushes the fridge door closed ]
Batman: You really ought to get a BOWL!
Jim Gordon: [ startled ] What the hell are you doing here?!
Batman: I think the Scarecrow’s up to something!
Jim Gordon: Okay, I’ll look into it… but can you let me know you’re coming next time?
Batman: No one in Gotham will be SAFE if we don’t stop him!
Jim Gordon: Fine! I’ll put in a call and have them do a sweep down in — [ he looks up, but Batman is gone ] What a weirdo!
[ transition from daytime city sweep to Jim Gordon scrubbing in the shower ]
[ he turns and is startled by Batman’s presence in his shower ]
Jim Gordon: GET OUT OF MY SHOWER!!
Batman: Aquaman, too!
Aquaman: [ meekly ] The water’s off in my building.
Jim Gordon: Get out, NOW! And put some pants on!
[ wide shot reveals all three men are bottomless, as Aquaman slowly looks down at Jim Gordon’s penis ]
[ cut to Jim Gordon at his doctor’s office ]
Doctor: Well… Jim, you’re in great health. All we gotta do is check the ol’ prostate, and we’ll get you out of here.
Jim Gordon: Great. Let’s get this over with.
[ the doctor tightens his surgical glove, as Jim winches ]
[ suddenly, Batman rises over Jim ]
Batman: The Penguin got a credit card!
Jim Gordon: [ annoyed ] GET OUT OF HERE!!
[ Batman smiles and raises a digital camera for a compromising photo, as the doctor poses behind Jim, then he disappears ]
[ transition from nighttime city sweep to Jim Gordon’s bedroom, as he sits in bed next to his wife ]
Jim Gordon: He has no boundaries.
Wife: Well, you don’t need any boundaries with me, Mister.
Jim Gordon: Is that so? [ he drops his newspaper ] Well, I’m happy to oblige, my lady…
[ Jim jumps on top of his wife, only to find Batman lying in her place ]
Batman: Her Riddler costume is weird!
Jim Gordon: [ outraged ] OH, COME ON!! [ he jumps to his feet ] WHERE’S MY WIFE?!
Wife: Over here.
[ reveal his wife wearing a Riddler costume ]
Wife: He made me put this on.
Batman: See how WEIRD it is!
Jim Gordon: That’s it! Don’t ever TALK to me again!
Batman: FINE!! [ he stomps away ]
Jim Gordon: Unbelievable!
[ Batman reappears in a squirrel costume ]
Batman: Hey! I’m the Squirrel! I’m a new villain that’s gonna take over Gotham — but Batman won’t stop me because you were MEAN to him!
Jim Gordon: Take that off, Moron!
[ Batman appears behind Jim ]
Batman: I’ve always loved you!
[ Batman logo zooms forward ]
[ fade ]