SNL Transcripts: Steve Buscemi: 12/03/11: An SNL Digital Short

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 8

11h: Steve Buscemi / The Black Keys

An SNL Digital Short

Jim Gordon…..Steve Buscemi
Batman…..Andy Samberg
Aquaman…..Paul Brittain
Doctor…..Jason Sudeikis
Wife…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on Gotham City — night ] [ standing on a rooftop, Commissioner Jim Gordon turns on the Bat Signal and waits ]

Batman: Looking for someone?

Jim Gordon: [ startled ] Geez, Batman — you snuck up on me.

Batman: I think there’s something fishy going on in Arkham!

Jim Gordon: The Joker?

Batman: Only one way to find out!

Jim Gordon: Great. I’ll send out an APB. [ he turns his head for a split-second ] Yuo let me know what you find — [ he realizes Batman is gone ] He likes to do that…

[ transition from nighttime city sweep to Jim Gordon’s kitchen, as he opens the fridge and digs into a Haagan-Daaz container ] [ suddenly, Batman pushes the fridge door closed ]

Batman: You really ought to get a BOWL!

Jim Gordon: [ startled ] What the hell are you doing here?!

Batman: I think the Scarecrow’s up to something!

Jim Gordon: Okay, I’ll look into it… but can you let me know you’re coming next time?

Batman: No one in Gotham will be SAFE if we don’t stop him!

Jim Gordon: Fine! I’ll put in a call and have them do a sweep down in — [ he looks up, but Batman is gone ] What a weirdo!

[ transition from daytime city sweep to Jim Gordon scrubbing in the shower ] [ he turns and is startled by Batman’s presence in his shower ]


Batman: Aquaman, too!

Aquaman: [ meekly ] The water’s off in my building.

Jim Gordon: Get out, NOW! And put some pants on!

[ wide shot reveals all three men are bottomless, as Aquaman slowly looks down at Jim Gordon’s penis ] [ cut to Jim Gordon at his doctor’s office ]

Doctor: Well… Jim, you’re in great health. All we gotta do is check the ol’ prostate, and we’ll get you out of here.

Jim Gordon: Great. Let’s get this over with.

[ the doctor tightens his surgical glove, as Jim winches ] [ suddenly, Batman rises over Jim ]

Batman: The Penguin got a credit card!

Jim Gordon: [ annoyed ] GET OUT OF HERE!!

Batman: FINE!!

[ Batman smiles and raises a digital camera for a compromising photo, as the doctor poses behind Jim, then he disappears ] [ transition from nighttime city sweep to Jim Gordon’s bedroom, as he sits in bed next to his wife ]

Jim Gordon: He has no boundaries.

Wife: Well, you don’t need any boundaries with me, Mister.

Jim Gordon: Is that so? [ he drops his newspaper ] Well, I’m happy to oblige, my lady…

[ Jim jumps on top of his wife, only to find Batman lying in her place ]

Batman: Her Riddler costume is weird!

Jim Gordon: [ outraged ] OH, COME ON!! [ he jumps to his feet ] WHERE’S MY WIFE?!

Wife: Over here.

[ reveal his wife wearing a Riddler costume ]

Wife: He made me put this on.

Batman: See how WEIRD it is!

Jim Gordon: That’s it! Don’t ever TALK to me again!

Batman: FINE!! [ he stomps away ]

Jim Gordon: Unbelievable!

[ Batman reappears in a squirrel costume ]

Batman: Hey! I’m the Squirrel! I’m a new villain that’s gonna take over Gotham — but Batman won’t stop me because you were MEAN to him!

Jim Gordon: Take that off, Moron!

[ Batman appears behind Jim ]

Batman: I’ve always loved you!

[ Batman logo zooms forward ]

Jingle: Batman!!

[ fade ]

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