SNL Transcripts: Katy Perry: 12/10/11: Kalle


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 9

11i: Katy Perry / Robyn


Kalle…..Kristen Wiig
…..Katy Perry

[ open on station graphics ]

Announcer: you’re watching Finland 6, Finland’s fifth biggest television network. And now it’s time for “Kalle”!

[ dissolve to opening credits ] [ dissolve to Kalle on-set ]

Kalle: Hello! I’m Kalle Jakkolla Welcome to “Kalle”. Today, our guest is a pop star of great renown. Please welcome Katy Perry!

[ Perry enters ]

Katy Perry: Hello, Kalle!

Kalle: Hi!

Katy Perry: Thanks for having me!

Kalle: Oh. Thanks for coming. You are a pop star of great renown!

Katy Perry: Uh — if you say so!

Kalle: I do! And I have!

Katy Perry: Okay.

Kalle: So tell us what’s one of your favorite music videos is.

Katy Perry: Well, there’s one called “Last Friday Night”… and that was inspired by my love of 80’s movies.

Kalle: We have a clip!

[ cut to clip from the music video ]

Kalle: That was it, yes?

Katy Perry: Yeah, that was it. It was a really fun video to make.

Kalle: Very good. Now, Katy — tell us about your personal life.

Katy Perry: Uh — okay. Well, uh — I’m married to Russell Brand…

Kalle: Ooh! We have clip!

[ cut to clip of Brand from “Arthur” ]

Kalle: That was him, yes?

Katy Perry: That’s him, alright…

Kalle: Yes! We have an EXCELLENT research team! Now… has has your trip to Finland been?

Katy Perry: It’s been a blast, um — although, sad story, I lost my luggage at the airport. So I don’t really —

Kalle: [ excited ] We have a clip!

[ cut to black-and-white security camera footage of Perry at the Lost and Found desk ]

Katy Perry: … It’s this big… and this tall… I’ve got my initials on a backpack: K.P.

[ return to talk show set ]

Katy Perry: [ unsteady ] How — how did you get that tape?

Kalle: I told you — we have an EXCELLENT research team!

Katy Perry: You know what? Uh — I don’t want to talk any more.

Kalle: Yes, but why not?

Katy Perry: Because I’m afraid of… whatever I say, you’ll have a clip.

Kalle: What is wrong with that? Having a clip is a common talk show device.

Katy Perry: I understand that, but when I came on your show today, I didn’t —

Kalle: Ooh! We have a clip!

[ cut to clip from earlier in the talk show ]

Kalle: I do! And I have!

Katy Perry: Okay.

Kalle: So tell us what’s one of your favorite music videos —

[ return to live interview ]

Kalle: [ laughing ] I remember that! Now… tell us some things!

Katy Perry: Uh — no, thank you!

Kalle: Yes! NOW, please!

Katy Perry: I don’t… want to… [ she shakes her head ]

Kalle: Pleeeeeease, Katy? Ooh, please!

Katy Perry: Fine. Um — but promise me you won’t do any more clips, okay?

Kalle: Very good! Now… tell us more things!

Katy Perry: Okay. I, uh —

Kalle: We have a clip!

[ cut to close-up on an eye looking about ]

Katy Perry: What is it with you? Talk show hosts are supposed to have charisma — you’re like… a robot. Now, what happens at the end of this show? Let me guess — [ intended sarcastically ] you go back to a cold, dark apartment and drink tea while your cats watch, or something?

Kalle: [ sullen ] We have clip.

[ cut to Kalle drinking tea in a cold, dark apartment surrounded by cats ] [ return to Perry, stunned by this reality ]

Katy Perry: I’m so sorry, I-I did not know…

Kalle: Yes. It’s not your fault.

Katy Perry: Look — it’s just, i’ve been on tour and I’m tired, I’m really stressing… I shouldn’t have snapped like that.

Kalle: [ perking up ] You snapped! We have a clip!

[ cut to clip of Perry snapping her fingers at one of her concerts ]

Katy Perry: [ stunned ] Wow… you really do have a great research team.

Kalle: [ pleased ] Do you mean it?

Katy Perry: Yeah!

Kalle: Did you have fun on “Kalle”?

Katy Perry: I did. I think you’re great.

Kalle: [ touched ] You do?

Katy Perry: I do! I can even see us being friends one day.

Kalle: [ ecstatic ] We have a clip!

[ cut to Kalle and Perry laughing over glasses of wine at a restaurant, clinking their glasses and wrapping them around each other’s arms before taking a sip ]

Katy Perry: [ stunned ] When did that happen?

Kalle: [ matter-of-factly ] The future!

Katy Perry: [ suddenly very afraid ] Okay… I’m going to leave now. [ she stands and leaves ]

Kalle: They all do. [ to the camera ] Well, that’s all the time we have on “Kalle”! Good night!

[ she stands to dance like a robot as the credits roll ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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3 years ago

Thanks for the lyrics!

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