Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 9
Kalle
Kalle…..Kristen Wiig
…..Katy Perry
[ open on station graphics ]
Announcer: you’re watching Finland 6, Finland’s fifth biggest television network. And now it’s time for “Kalle”!
[ dissolve to opening credits ]
[ dissolve to Kalle on-set ]
Kalle: Hello! I’m Kalle Jakkolla Welcome to “Kalle”. Today, our guest is a pop star of great renown. Please welcome Katy Perry!
[ Perry enters ]
Katy Perry: Hello, Kalle!
Kalle: Hi!
Katy Perry: Thanks for having me!
Kalle: Oh. Thanks for coming. You are a pop star of great renown!
Katy Perry: Uh — if you say so!
Kalle: I do! And I have!
Katy Perry: Okay.
Kalle: So tell us what’s one of your favorite music videos is.
Katy Perry: Well, there’s one called “Last Friday Night”… and that was inspired by my love of 80’s movies.
Kalle: We have a clip!
[ cut to clip from the music video ]
Kalle: That was it, yes?
Katy Perry: Yeah, that was it. It was a really fun video to make.
Kalle: Very good. Now, Katy — tell us about your personal life.
Katy Perry: Uh — okay. Well, uh — I’m married to Russell Brand…
Kalle: Ooh! We have clip!
[ cut to clip of Brand from “Arthur” ]
Kalle: That was him, yes?
Katy Perry: That’s him, alright…
Kalle: Yes! We have an EXCELLENT research team! Now… has has your trip to Finland been?
Katy Perry: It’s been a blast, um — although, sad story, I lost my luggage at the airport. So I don’t really —
Kalle: [ excited ] We have a clip!
[ cut to black-and-white security camera footage of Perry at the Lost and Found desk ]
Katy Perry: … It’s this big… and this tall… I’ve got my initials on a backpack: K.P.
[ return to talk show set ]
Katy Perry: [ unsteady ] How — how did you get that tape?
Kalle: I told you — we have an EXCELLENT research team!
Katy Perry: You know what? Uh — I don’t want to talk any more.
Kalle: Yes, but why not?
Katy Perry: Because I’m afraid of… whatever I say, you’ll have a clip.
Kalle: What is wrong with that? Having a clip is a common talk show device.
Katy Perry: I understand that, but when I came on your show today, I didn’t —
Kalle: Ooh! We have a clip!
[ cut to clip from earlier in the talk show ]
Kalle: I do! And I have!
Katy Perry: Okay.
Kalle: So tell us what’s one of your favorite music videos —
[ return to live interview ]
Kalle: [ laughing ] I remember that! Now… tell us some things!
Katy Perry: Uh — no, thank you!
Kalle: Yes! NOW, please!
Katy Perry: I don’t… want to… [ she shakes her head ]
Kalle: Pleeeeeease, Katy? Ooh, please!
Katy Perry: Fine. Um — but promise me you won’t do any more clips, okay?
Kalle: Very good! Now… tell us more things!
Katy Perry: Okay. I, uh —
Kalle: We have a clip!
[ cut to close-up on an eye looking about ]
Katy Perry: What is it with you? Talk show hosts are supposed to have charisma — you’re like… a robot. Now, what happens at the end of this show? Let me guess — [ intended sarcastically ] you go back to a cold, dark apartment and drink tea while your cats watch, or something?
Kalle: [ sullen ] We have clip.
[ cut to Kalle drinking tea in a cold, dark apartment surrounded by cats ]
[ return to Perry, stunned by this reality ]
Katy Perry: I’m so sorry, I-I did not know…
Kalle: Yes. It’s not your fault.
Katy Perry: Look — it’s just, i’ve been on tour and I’m tired, I’m really stressing… I shouldn’t have snapped like that.
Kalle: [ perking up ] You snapped! We have a clip!
[ cut to clip of Perry snapping her fingers at one of her concerts ]
Katy Perry: [ stunned ] Wow… you really do have a great research team.
Kalle: [ pleased ] Do you mean it?
Katy Perry: Yeah!
Kalle: Did you have fun on “Kalle”?
Katy Perry: I did. I think you’re great.
Kalle: [ touched ] You do?
Katy Perry: I do! I can even see us being friends one day.
Kalle: [ ecstatic ] We have a clip!
[ cut to Kalle and Perry laughing over glasses of wine at a restaurant, clinking their glasses and wrapping them around each other’s arms before taking a sip ]
Katy Perry: [ stunned ] When did that happen?
Kalle: [ matter-of-factly ] The future!
Katy Perry: [ suddenly very afraid ] Okay… I’m going to leave now. [ she stands and leaves ]
Kalle: They all do. [ to the camera ] Well, that’s all the time we have on “Kalle”! Good night!
[ she stands to dance like a robot as the credits roll ]
[ fade ]
