SNL Transcripts: Katy Perry: 12/10/11: Kalle

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 9

11i: Katy Perry / Robyn


Kalle…..Kristen Wiig
…..Katy Perry

[ open on station graphics ]

Announcer: you’re watching Finland 6, Finland’s fifth biggest television network. And now it’s time for “Kalle”!

[ dissolve to opening credits ] [ dissolve to Kalle on-set ]

Kalle: Hello! I’m Kalle Jakkolla Welcome to “Kalle”. Today, our guest is a pop star of great renown. Please welcome Katy Perry!

[ Perry enters ]

Katy Perry: Hello, Kalle!

Kalle: Hi!

Katy Perry: Thanks for having me!

Kalle: Oh. Thanks for coming. You are a pop star of great renown!

Katy Perry: Uh — if you say so!

Kalle: I do! And I have!

Katy Perry: Okay.

Kalle: So tell us what’s one of your favorite music videos is.

Katy Perry: Well, there’s one called “Last Friday Night”… and that was inspired by my love of 80’s movies.

Kalle: We have a clip!

[ cut to clip from the music video ]

Kalle: That was it, yes?

Katy Perry: Yeah, that was it. It was a really fun video to make.

Kalle: Very good. Now, Katy — tell us about your personal life.

Katy Perry: Uh — okay. Well, uh — I’m married to Russell Brand…

Kalle: Ooh! We have clip!

[ cut to clip of Brand from “Arthur” ]

Kalle: That was him, yes?

Katy Perry: That’s him, alright…

Kalle: Yes! We have an EXCELLENT research team! Now… has has your trip to Finland been?

Katy Perry: It’s been a blast, um — although, sad story, I lost my luggage at the airport. So I don’t really —

Kalle: [ excited ] We have a clip!

[ cut to black-and-white security camera footage of Perry at the Lost and Found desk ]

Katy Perry: … It’s this big… and this tall… I’ve got my initials on a backpack: K.P.

[ return to talk show set ]

Katy Perry: [ unsteady ] How — how did you get that tape?

Kalle: I told you — we have an EXCELLENT research team!

Katy Perry: You know what? Uh — I don’t want to talk any more.

Kalle: Yes, but why not?

Katy Perry: Because I’m afraid of… whatever I say, you’ll have a clip.

Kalle: What is wrong with that? Having a clip is a common talk show device.

Katy Perry: I understand that, but when I came on your show today, I didn’t —

Kalle: Ooh! We have a clip!

[ cut to clip from earlier in the talk show ]

Kalle: I do! And I have!

Katy Perry: Okay.

Kalle: So tell us what’s one of your favorite music videos —

[ return to live interview ]

Kalle: [ laughing ] I remember that! Now… tell us some things!

Katy Perry: Uh — no, thank you!

Kalle: Yes! NOW, please!

Katy Perry: I don’t… want to… [ she shakes her head ]

Kalle: Pleeeeeease, Katy? Ooh, please!

Katy Perry: Fine. Um — but promise me you won’t do any more clips, okay?

Kalle: Very good! Now… tell us more things!

Katy Perry: Okay. I, uh —

Kalle: We have a clip!

[ cut to close-up on an eye looking about ]

Katy Perry: What is it with you? Talk show hosts are supposed to have charisma — you’re like… a robot. Now, what happens at the end of this show? Let me guess — [ intended sarcastically ] you go back to a cold, dark apartment and drink tea while your cats watch, or something?

Kalle: [ sullen ] We have clip.

[ cut to Kalle drinking tea in a cold, dark apartment surrounded by cats ] [ return to Perry, stunned by this reality ]

Katy Perry: I’m so sorry, I-I did not know…

Kalle: Yes. It’s not your fault.

Katy Perry: Look — it’s just, i’ve been on tour and I’m tired, I’m really stressing… I shouldn’t have snapped like that.

Kalle: [ perking up ] You snapped! We have a clip!

[ cut to clip of Perry snapping her fingers at one of her concerts ]

Katy Perry: [ stunned ] Wow… you really do have a great research team.

Kalle: [ pleased ] Do you mean it?

Katy Perry: Yeah!

Kalle: Did you have fun on “Kalle”?

Katy Perry: I did. I think you’re great.

Kalle: [ touched ] You do?

Katy Perry: I do! I can even see us being friends one day.

Kalle: [ ecstatic ] We have a clip!

[ cut to Kalle and Perry laughing over glasses of wine at a restaurant, clinking their glasses and wrapping them around each other’s arms before taking a sip ]

Katy Perry: [ stunned ] When did that happen?

Kalle: [ matter-of-factly ] The future!

Katy Perry: [ suddenly very afraid ] Okay… I’m going to leave now. [ she stands and leaves ]

Kalle: They all do. [ to the camera ] Well, that’s all the time we have on “Kalle”! Good night!

[ she stands to dance like a robot as the credits roll ] [ fade ]

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