SNL Transcripts: Katy Perry: 12/10/11: An SNL Digital Short



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 9


















11i: Katy Perry / Robyn

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Katy Perry
Drug Addict…..Matt Damon
Brilliant Lunatic…..Val Kilmer
Abraham Lincoln…..John Solomon
Amelia Earhart…..Vanessa Bayer
Marilyn Monroe…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on Katy Perry sitting outside by a holiday display, as Andy Samberg rushes in ]

Andy Samberg: Hey, Katy! Guess what I got you for the holiday?

Katy Perry: [ excited ] What!

Andy Samberg: The best gift there is — FRIENDSHIP!

Katy Perry: [ touched ] Aw, Andy!

[ cut to Andy and Katy dancing forward down the street ]

Andy & Katy: “We’re two best friends…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy decorating a Christmas tree ]

Andy & Katy: “…with holiday cheer.”

[ cut to Andy and Katy wrapping presents ]

Andy & Katy: “We’re wrapping lots of presents…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy caroling ]

Andy & Katy: “…and going caroling!”

[ cut to Andy and Katy dancing forward down the street ]

Andy & Katy: “We’re two best friends…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy dressed for New Year’s Eve ]

Andy & Katy: “…at the end of the year.”

[ cut to Andy and Katy wearing funny hats ]

Andy & Katy: “We’re wearing funny hats…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy lying on a bed eating pocorn ]

Andy & Katy: “…and watching “Lion King”!”

[ cut to Andy and Katy dancing forward down the street ]

Andy & Katy: “Two best friends…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy holding up a dish of cornish hens ]

Andy & Katy: “…eating cornish hens.”

[ cut to Andy pointing ]

Andy Samberg: Look! It’s a handsome drug addict!

Drug Addict: How’s it going?

Katy Perry: Do you want to be best friends with us, too?

[ the music shuts off, as the drug addict growls ]

Drug Addict: …Okay.

[ cut to Andy, Katy and the drug addict dancing forward down the street ]

Andy, Katy & Drug Addict: “Three best friends…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy wrapping presents ]

Andy, Katy & Drug Addict: “…with holiday cheer!”

[ cut to Andy and Katy smelling flowers as the drug addict swats them ]

Andy, Katy & Drug Addict: “We’re smelling all the flowers…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy eating pizza, as the drug addict swipes Andy’s slice ]

Andy, Katy & Drug Addict: “…and munching on pizza!”

[ cut to drug addict stealing socks from a railing ]

Drug Addict: “We’re stealing socks…”

[ cut to drug addict digging through trash ]

Drug Addict: “…and digging through trash.”

[ cut to Andy holding his nose as he drops below frame in front of a businessman ]

Drug Addict: “And paying for our meth with sexual favors.”

[ the drug addict gives two thumbs up ]

Andy, Katy & Drug Addict: “We’re three best friends…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy holding up a dish of cornish hens ]

Andy & Katy: “…eating cornish –“

[ the drug addict jumps in front with a box of Depends ]

Drug Addict: “Wearing Depends!”

[ a brilliant lunatic walks up ]

Brilliant Lunatic: Hey — I’m a brilliant lunatic. I want to be friends, too!

Andy Samberg: Uh, no — we’re good.

Brilliant Lunatic: Then, it’s settled.

Katy Perry: No!

[ cut to Andy, Katy, the drug addict, and the brilliant lunatic dancing forward down the street ]

Andy, Katy, Drug Addict & Brilliant Lunatic: “Four best friends…”

[ cut to the drug addict and the brilliant lunatic holding up meth baggies ]

Drug Addict & Brilliant Lunatic: “And we all love meth!”

[ cut to Andy and Katy with worried looks on their faces ]

Andy & Katy: “…who love holiday cheer…”

[ cut to the drug addict and the brilliant lunatic leaning against a car ]

Drug Addict & Brilliant Lunatic: “And huffing on gas fumes!”

[ cut to the brilliant lunatic’s science lab ]

Brilliant Lunatic:
“Then, I’ll force you over to my science lab
and make you watch me feed my failed bird-man experiment!

[ reveal Bird-Man ]

Bird-Man: Kill meeee!

[ cut to the quartet ]

Andy, Katy, Drug Addict & Brilliant Lunatic:
“We’re four best friends
Fun never ends!”

Brilliant Lunatic: Speaking of fun — let’s play Russian Roulette.

Drug Addict: Great! I’ll go first!

[ the drug addict sticks a revolver in his mouth and pulls the trigger ] [ blood splashes behind Any and Katy ]

Katy Perry: Okay, fuck this, I’m out of here!

Andy Samberg: [ worried ] What…?

Brilliant Lunatic: Bye.

[ Katy exits ]

Andy Samberg: [ nervously ] Looks like it’s back to two… [ he chuckles ] [ the Bird-Man clears his throat ] [ cut to Andy, the brilliant lunatic, and Bird-Man dancing forward down the street ]

Andy, Brilliant Lunatic & Bird-Man: “Two-and-a-half friends!”

Bird-Man:
“I’m finally free!
I’m going to the mall to have sex with a white girl!”

[ the music stops ]

Andy Samberg: Oh.

Bird-Man: So, uh…

Brilliant Lunatic: Yeah. See ya’.

Bird-Man: [ holding a roll of condoms ] Don’t wait up! [ he exits ] [ cut to Andy and the brilliant lunatic looking bored ]

Andy & Brilliant Lunatic: “Two guys left!”

Brilliant Lunatic:
“I built a time machine.
Let’s turn it on and meet Abraham Lincoln.”

[ a switch is pulled, and Abraham Lincoln appears ]

Abraham Lincoln: What’s up?

[ cut to Andy, the brilliant lunatic, and Abraham Lincoln ]

Andy, Brilliant Lunatic & Abraham Lincoln: “Three best friends!”

Abraham Lincoln: Slavery sucks!

Andy Samberg: “This button is jammed…”

Brilliant Lunatic: “I’m sure it’s no problem.”

[ Amelia Earhart appears ]

Amelia Earhart: I’m the first woman —

[ cut to Andy, the brilliant lunatic, Abraham Lincoln, and Ameia Earhart ]

Andy, Brilliant Lunatic, Abraham Lincoln & Amrlia Earhart: “Four best friends!”

[ Marilyn Monroe appears ] [ cut to Andy, the brilliant lunatic, Abraham Lincoln, Amelia Earhart, and Marilyn Monroe ]

Andy, Brilliant Lunatic, Abraham Lincoln, Amrlia Earhart & Marilyn Monroe: “Five best friends!”

[ others are zapped into the lab in wild succession ]

Andy & Crowd:
“We’re all best friends, with holiday cheer!
Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!”

[ SUPER: “Happy Holidays” ] [ Bird-Man pops up ]

Bird-Man: “To meeeeee!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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