Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 9
An SNL Digital Short
…..Andy Samberg
…..Katy Perry
Drug Addict…..Matt Damon
Brilliant Lunatic…..Val Kilmer
Abraham Lincoln…..John Solomon
Amelia Earhart…..Vanessa Bayer
Marilyn Monroe…..Nasim Pedrad
[ open on Katy Perry sitting outside by a holiday display, as Andy Samberg rushes in ]
Andy Samberg: Hey, Katy! Guess what I got you for the holiday?
Katy Perry: [ excited ] What!
Andy Samberg: The best gift there is — FRIENDSHIP!
Katy Perry: [ touched ] Aw, Andy!
[ cut to Andy and Katy dancing forward down the street ]
Andy & Katy: “We’re two best friends…”
[ cut to Andy and Katy decorating a Christmas tree ]
Andy & Katy: “…with holiday cheer.”
[ cut to Andy and Katy wrapping presents ]
Andy & Katy: “We’re wrapping lots of presents…”
[ cut to Andy and Katy caroling ]
Andy & Katy: “…and going caroling!”
[ cut to Andy and Katy dancing forward down the street ]
Andy & Katy: “We’re two best friends…”
[ cut to Andy and Katy dressed for New Year’s Eve ]
Andy & Katy: “…at the end of the year.”
[ cut to Andy and Katy wearing funny hats ]
Andy & Katy: “We’re wearing funny hats…”
[ cut to Andy and Katy lying on a bed eating pocorn ]
Andy & Katy: “…and watching “Lion King”!”
[ cut to Andy and Katy dancing forward down the street ]
Andy & Katy: “Two best friends…”
[ cut to Andy and Katy holding up a dish of cornish hens ]
Andy & Katy: “…eating cornish hens.”
[ cut to Andy pointing ]
Andy Samberg: Look! It’s a handsome drug addict!
Drug Addict: How’s it going?
Katy Perry: Do you want to be best friends with us, too?
[ the music shuts off, as the drug addict growls ]
Drug Addict: …Okay.
[ cut to Andy, Katy and the drug addict dancing forward down the street ]
Andy, Katy & Drug Addict: “Three best friends…”
[ cut to Andy and Katy wrapping presents ]
Andy, Katy & Drug Addict: “…with holiday cheer!”
[ cut to Andy and Katy smelling flowers as the drug addict swats them ]
Andy, Katy & Drug Addict: “We’re smelling all the flowers…”
[ cut to Andy and Katy eating pizza, as the drug addict swipes Andy’s slice ]
Andy, Katy & Drug Addict: “…and munching on pizza!”
[ cut to drug addict stealing socks from a railing ]
Drug Addict: “We’re stealing socks…”
[ cut to drug addict digging through trash ]
Drug Addict: “…and digging through trash.”
[ cut to Andy holding his nose as he drops below frame in front of a businessman ]
Drug Addict: “And paying for our meth with sexual favors.”
[ the drug addict gives two thumbs up ]
Andy, Katy & Drug Addict: “We’re three best friends…”
[ cut to Andy and Katy holding up a dish of cornish hens ]
Andy & Katy: “…eating cornish –“
[ the drug addict jumps in front with a box of Depends ]
Drug Addict: “Wearing Depends!”
[ a brilliant lunatic walks up ]
Brilliant Lunatic: Hey — I’m a brilliant lunatic. I want to be friends, too!
Andy Samberg: Uh, no — we’re good.
Brilliant Lunatic: Then, it’s settled.
Katy Perry: No!
[ cut to Andy, Katy, the drug addict, and the brilliant lunatic dancing forward down the street ]
Andy, Katy, Drug Addict & Brilliant Lunatic: “Four best friends…”
[ cut to the drug addict and the brilliant lunatic holding up meth baggies ]
Drug Addict & Brilliant Lunatic: “And we all love meth!”
[ cut to Andy and Katy with worried looks on their faces ]
Andy & Katy: “…who love holiday cheer…”
[ cut to the drug addict and the brilliant lunatic leaning against a car ]
Drug Addict & Brilliant Lunatic: “And huffing on gas fumes!”
[ cut to the brilliant lunatic’s science lab ]
Brilliant Lunatic:
“Then, I’ll force you over to my science lab
and make you watch me feed my failed bird-man experiment!
[ reveal Bird-Man ]
Bird-Man: Kill meeee!
[ cut to the quartet ]
Andy, Katy, Drug Addict & Brilliant Lunatic:
“We’re four best friends
Fun never ends!”
Brilliant Lunatic: Speaking of fun — let’s play Russian Roulette.
Drug Addict: Great! I’ll go first!
[ the drug addict sticks a revolver in his mouth and pulls the trigger ]
[ blood splashes behind Any and Katy ]
Katy Perry: Okay, fuck this, I’m out of here!
Andy Samberg: [ worried ] What…?
Brilliant Lunatic: Bye.
[ Katy exits ]
Andy Samberg: [ nervously ] Looks like it’s back to two… [ he chuckles ]
[ the Bird-Man clears his throat ]
[ cut to Andy, the brilliant lunatic, and Bird-Man dancing forward down the street ]
Andy, Brilliant Lunatic & Bird-Man: “Two-and-a-half friends!”
Bird-Man:
“I’m finally free!
I’m going to the mall to have sex with a white girl!”
[ the music stops ]
Andy Samberg: Oh.
Bird-Man: So, uh…
Brilliant Lunatic: Yeah. See ya’.
Bird-Man: [ holding a roll of condoms ] Don’t wait up! [ he exits ]
[ cut to Andy and the brilliant lunatic looking bored ]
Andy & Brilliant Lunatic: “Two guys left!”
Brilliant Lunatic:
“I built a time machine.
Let’s turn it on and meet Abraham Lincoln.”
[ a switch is pulled, and Abraham Lincoln appears ]
Abraham Lincoln: What’s up?
[ cut to Andy, the brilliant lunatic, and Abraham Lincoln ]
Andy, Brilliant Lunatic & Abraham Lincoln: “Three best friends!”
Abraham Lincoln: Slavery sucks!
Andy Samberg: “This button is jammed…”
Brilliant Lunatic: “I’m sure it’s no problem.”
[ Amelia Earhart appears ]
Amelia Earhart: I’m the first woman —
[ cut to Andy, the brilliant lunatic, Abraham Lincoln, and Ameia Earhart ]
Andy, Brilliant Lunatic, Abraham Lincoln & Amrlia Earhart: “Four best friends!”
[ Marilyn Monroe appears ]
[ cut to Andy, the brilliant lunatic, Abraham Lincoln, Amelia Earhart, and Marilyn Monroe ]
Andy, Brilliant Lunatic, Abraham Lincoln, Amrlia Earhart & Marilyn Monroe: “Five best friends!”
[ others are zapped into the lab in wild succession ]
Andy & Crowd:
“We’re all best friends, with holiday cheer!
Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!”
[ SUPER: “Happy Holidays” ]
[ Bird-Man pops up ]
Bird-Man: “To meeeeee!”
[ fade ]