SNL Transcripts: Katy Perry: 12/10/11: An SNL Digital Short



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 9


















11i: Katy Perry / Robyn

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Katy Perry
Drug Addict…..Matt Damon
Brilliant Lunatic…..Val Kilmer
Abraham Lincoln…..John Solomon
Amelia Earhart…..Vanessa Bayer
Marilyn Monroe…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on Katy Perry sitting outside by a holiday display, as Andy Samberg rushes in ]

Andy Samberg: Hey, Katy! Guess what I got you for the holiday?

Katy Perry: [ excited ] What!

Andy Samberg: The best gift there is — FRIENDSHIP!

Katy Perry: [ touched ] Aw, Andy!

[ cut to Andy and Katy dancing forward down the street ]

Andy & Katy: “We’re two best friends…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy decorating a Christmas tree ]

Andy & Katy: “…with holiday cheer.”

[ cut to Andy and Katy wrapping presents ]

Andy & Katy: “We’re wrapping lots of presents…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy caroling ]

Andy & Katy: “…and going caroling!”

[ cut to Andy and Katy dancing forward down the street ]

Andy & Katy: “We’re two best friends…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy dressed for New Year’s Eve ]

Andy & Katy: “…at the end of the year.”

[ cut to Andy and Katy wearing funny hats ]

Andy & Katy: “We’re wearing funny hats…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy lying on a bed eating pocorn ]

Andy & Katy: “…and watching “Lion King”!”

[ cut to Andy and Katy dancing forward down the street ]

Andy & Katy: “Two best friends…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy holding up a dish of cornish hens ]

Andy & Katy: “…eating cornish hens.”

[ cut to Andy pointing ]

Andy Samberg: Look! It’s a handsome drug addict!

Drug Addict: How’s it going?

Katy Perry: Do you want to be best friends with us, too?

[ the music shuts off, as the drug addict growls ]

Drug Addict: …Okay.

[ cut to Andy, Katy and the drug addict dancing forward down the street ]

Andy, Katy & Drug Addict: “Three best friends…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy wrapping presents ]

Andy, Katy & Drug Addict: “…with holiday cheer!”

[ cut to Andy and Katy smelling flowers as the drug addict swats them ]

Andy, Katy & Drug Addict: “We’re smelling all the flowers…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy eating pizza, as the drug addict swipes Andy’s slice ]

Andy, Katy & Drug Addict: “…and munching on pizza!”

[ cut to drug addict stealing socks from a railing ]

Drug Addict: “We’re stealing socks…”

[ cut to drug addict digging through trash ]

Drug Addict: “…and digging through trash.”

[ cut to Andy holding his nose as he drops below frame in front of a businessman ]

Drug Addict: “And paying for our meth with sexual favors.”

[ the drug addict gives two thumbs up ]

Andy, Katy & Drug Addict: “We’re three best friends…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy holding up a dish of cornish hens ]

Andy & Katy: “…eating cornish –“

[ the drug addict jumps in front with a box of Depends ]

Drug Addict: “Wearing Depends!”

[ a brilliant lunatic walks up ]

Brilliant Lunatic: Hey — I’m a brilliant lunatic. I want to be friends, too!

Andy Samberg: Uh, no — we’re good.

Brilliant Lunatic: Then, it’s settled.

Katy Perry: No!

[ cut to Andy, Katy, the drug addict, and the brilliant lunatic dancing forward down the street ]

Andy, Katy, Drug Addict & Brilliant Lunatic: “Four best friends…”

[ cut to the drug addict and the brilliant lunatic holding up meth baggies ]

Drug Addict & Brilliant Lunatic: “And we all love meth!”

[ cut to Andy and Katy with worried looks on their faces ]

Andy & Katy: “…who love holiday cheer…”

[ cut to the drug addict and the brilliant lunatic leaning against a car ]

Drug Addict & Brilliant Lunatic: “And huffing on gas fumes!”

[ cut to the brilliant lunatic’s science lab ]

Brilliant Lunatic:
“Then, I’ll force you over to my science lab
and make you watch me feed my failed bird-man experiment!

[ reveal Bird-Man ]

Bird-Man: Kill meeee!

[ cut to the quartet ]

Andy, Katy, Drug Addict & Brilliant Lunatic:
“We’re four best friends
Fun never ends!”

Brilliant Lunatic: Speaking of fun — let’s play Russian Roulette.

Drug Addict: Great! I’ll go first!

[ the drug addict sticks a revolver in his mouth and pulls the trigger ] [ blood splashes behind Any and Katy ]

Katy Perry: Okay, fuck this, I’m out of here!

Andy Samberg: [ worried ] What…?

Brilliant Lunatic: Bye.

[ Katy exits ]

Andy Samberg: [ nervously ] Looks like it’s back to two… [ he chuckles ] [ the Bird-Man clears his throat ] [ cut to Andy, the brilliant lunatic, and Bird-Man dancing forward down the street ]

Andy, Brilliant Lunatic & Bird-Man: “Two-and-a-half friends!”

Bird-Man:
“I’m finally free!
I’m going to the mall to have sex with a white girl!”

[ the music stops ]

Andy Samberg: Oh.

Bird-Man: So, uh…

Brilliant Lunatic: Yeah. See ya’.

Bird-Man: [ holding a roll of condoms ] Don’t wait up! [ he exits ] [ cut to Andy and the brilliant lunatic looking bored ]

Andy & Brilliant Lunatic: “Two guys left!”

Brilliant Lunatic:
“I built a time machine.
Let’s turn it on and meet Abraham Lincoln.”

[ a switch is pulled, and Abraham Lincoln appears ]

Abraham Lincoln: What’s up?

[ cut to Andy, the brilliant lunatic, and Abraham Lincoln ]

Andy, Brilliant Lunatic & Abraham Lincoln: “Three best friends!”

Abraham Lincoln: Slavery sucks!

Andy Samberg: “This button is jammed…”

Brilliant Lunatic: “I’m sure it’s no problem.”

[ Amelia Earhart appears ]

Amelia Earhart: I’m the first woman —

[ cut to Andy, the brilliant lunatic, Abraham Lincoln, and Ameia Earhart ]

Andy, Brilliant Lunatic, Abraham Lincoln & Amrlia Earhart: “Four best friends!”

[ Marilyn Monroe appears ] [ cut to Andy, the brilliant lunatic, Abraham Lincoln, Amelia Earhart, and Marilyn Monroe ]

Andy, Brilliant Lunatic, Abraham Lincoln, Amrlia Earhart & Marilyn Monroe: “Five best friends!”

[ others are zapped into the lab in wild succession ]

Andy & Crowd:
“We’re all best friends, with holiday cheer!
Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!”

[ SUPER: “Happy Holidays” ] [ Bird-Man pops up ]

Bird-Man: “To meeeeee!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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