SNL Transcripts: Katy Perry: 12/10/11: Soulmates


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 9

11i: Katy Perry / Robyn


Pianist…..Jason Sudeikis
Becky…..Katy Perry
Bartender…..Abby Elliott
Guys in Crowd…..Taran Killam, Paul Brittain, Jay Pharoah
Mike…..Bobby Moynihan
Priest…..Bill Hader

[ open in elegant nightclub, as Pianist sings ]

“I’ve got a ring made of gold
A handsome face, so I’ve been told
Well, I’ve got enough money to last ’til I’m old
But I ain’t got nothing if I ain’t got love.”

[ Becky enters the nightclub and steps up to the bar ]

Bartender: What do you need?

Becky: What do I need? A soulmate. But I’ll settle for a Scotch.

Bartender: Coming right up. As for the other thing… just look around. Maybe he’s here tonight.

[ she glances around the room, spotting a trio of men who try to get her attention but fail to impress her. She sighs at these results. ]

Bartender: Can I get you something to eat?

Becky & Mike: How about a Colby beef burger, a Diet Sprite, and two bowls of clam chowder…?

[ they express surprise at their dual response ] [ the Bartender steps away to give them a moment ]

Mike: What’s your name?

Becky: Rebeckie.

Mike: That’s my mother’s name.

Becky: What’s yours?

Mike: Mike.

Becky: That’s my mother’s name.

[ pan back to the Pianist singing ]

“I got a big Cadillac
Got a fur coat on my back
I got a house so big you’ll have a heart attack
But I ain’t got nothing if I ain’t got love.”

[ dissolve back to Becky and Mike ]

Mike: First thing you need to know about me: I’m bad news. Trouble follows me everywhere.

Becky: I’ll take my chances. Favorite drink? Go!

Together: Scotch on the Rocks!

Mike: Nickname in high school?

Together: “Stupid Idiot”.

Becky: Favorite Ghostbuster?

Together: WINSTON!

Mike: Who’s the Boss?

Together: MONA!

Mike: You cagy little prairie dog.

[ pan back to the Pianist singing ]

“I got big alligator shoes
I get ripped off of top-shelf booze
I got a backyard full of kangaroos
But I ain’t got nothing if I ain’t got love.”

[ dissolve back to Becky and Mike ]

Becky: What do you do?

Mike: I’m an English professor, specializing in the poetry of Jewel. You remember that singer? Jewel?

Becky: I-I think so. Does she look like this: [ she tugs her dress down to reveal Jewel tattooed over her right breast ]

Mike: And you?

Becky: I’m a psychiatrist, specializing in Ostroconophobia. The fear of shrimp.

Mike: I think I know it. Is it spelled like this: [ he pulls his shirt apart to reveal a tattoo of the word “Ostroconophobia” and a shrimp with a red line over it across his belly ] [ pan back to the Pianist singing ]

“I eat filet mignon
I played Hoops and beat Lebron
Well, instead of a pillow, you know I sleep on a swan
But I ain’t got nothing if I ain’t got love.”

[ dissolve back to Becky and Mike, arms wrapped around one another while dancing ]

Mike: I told you — I’m bad news.

Becky: And I told you, I don’t care.

Mike: Well, then, I’ve got a question for you.

Becky: And I’ve got an answer for you.

Mike: You want to know my question? Just look in your glass.

[ she reaches into your glass and pulls out oan engagement ring ]

Becky: You want to know my answer? Look in your mouth!

[ he unfurls a note in his mouth that reads: “YES!” ]

Becky: How long before we get married?

Mike: Well, how long will it take you to turn around?

[ a Priest rises from behind the bar ]

Priest: Dearly beloved… we are gathered here today…

[ pan back to the Pianist singing ]

I got a flatscreen TV
A lot of models falling for me
I even got to sit down when I pee!
But I ain’t got nothing if I ain’t got love.”

[ Becky and Mike stroll past ]

Becky: This was… the BEST night of my life!

Mike: It doesn’t have to end yet. As a matter of fact, I think we can make it last forever.

[ they kiss, as the elevator dings ] [ the doors open to reveal an empty shaft, and Becky steps right into it without looking and screams ]


[ she lands with a splat ] [ the music picks up, so Mike shakes it off and ambles over to the piano ]

Pianist: Well, you told her you were bad news.

Mike: I did. But I never told her that I loved her. Also, someone should take a look at that elevator.

Pianist: “But I ain’t got nothing if I ain’t! Got! Looooooove!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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