Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 9
Soulmates
Pianist…..Jason Sudeikis
Becky…..Katy Perry
Bartender…..Abby Elliott
Guys in Crowd…..Taran Killam, Paul Brittain, Jay Pharoah
Mike…..Bobby Moynihan
Priest…..Bill Hader
[ open in elegant nightclub, as Pianist sings ]
Pianist:
“I’ve got a ring made of gold
A handsome face, so I’ve been told
Well, I’ve got enough money to last ’til I’m old
But I ain’t got nothing if I ain’t got love.”
[ Becky enters the nightclub and steps up to the bar ]
Bartender: What do you need?
Becky: What do I need? A soulmate. But I’ll settle for a Scotch.
Bartender: Coming right up. As for the other thing… just look around. Maybe he’s here tonight.
[ she glances around the room, spotting a trio of men who try to get her attention but fail to impress her. She sighs at these results. ]
Bartender: Can I get you something to eat?
Becky & Mike: How about a Colby beef burger, a Diet Sprite, and two bowls of clam chowder…?
[ they express surprise at their dual response ]
[ the Bartender steps away to give them a moment ]
Mike: What’s your name?
Becky: Rebeckie.
Mike: That’s my mother’s name.
Becky: What’s yours?
Mike: Mike.
Becky: That’s my mother’s name.
[ pan back to the Pianist singing ]
Pianist:
“I got a big Cadillac
Got a fur coat on my back
I got a house so big you’ll have a heart attack
But I ain’t got nothing if I ain’t got love.”
[ dissolve back to Becky and Mike ]
Mike: First thing you need to know about me: I’m bad news. Trouble follows me everywhere.
Becky: I’ll take my chances. Favorite drink? Go!
Together: Scotch on the Rocks!
Mike: Nickname in high school?
Together: “Stupid Idiot”.
Becky: Favorite Ghostbuster?
Together: WINSTON!
Mike: Who’s the Boss?
Together: MONA!
Mike: You cagy little prairie dog.
[ pan back to the Pianist singing ]
Pianist:
“I got big alligator shoes
I get ripped off of top-shelf booze
I got a backyard full of kangaroos
But I ain’t got nothing if I ain’t got love.”
[ dissolve back to Becky and Mike ]
Becky: What do you do?
Mike: I’m an English professor, specializing in the poetry of Jewel. You remember that singer? Jewel?
Becky: I-I think so. Does she look like this: [ she tugs her dress down to reveal Jewel tattooed over her right breast ]
Mike: And you?
Becky: I’m a psychiatrist, specializing in Ostroconophobia. The fear of shrimp.
Mike: I think I know it. Is it spelled like this: [ he pulls his shirt apart to reveal a tattoo of the word “Ostroconophobia” and a shrimp with a red line over it across his belly ]
[ pan back to the Pianist singing ]
Pianist:
“I eat filet mignon
I played Hoops and beat Lebron
Well, instead of a pillow, you know I sleep on a swan
But I ain’t got nothing if I ain’t got love.”
[ dissolve back to Becky and Mike, arms wrapped around one another while dancing ]
Mike: I told you — I’m bad news.
Becky: And I told you, I don’t care.
Mike: Well, then, I’ve got a question for you.
Becky: And I’ve got an answer for you.
Mike: You want to know my question? Just look in your glass.
[ she reaches into your glass and pulls out oan engagement ring ]
Becky: You want to know my answer? Look in your mouth!
[ he unfurls a note in his mouth that reads: “YES!” ]
Becky: How long before we get married?
Mike: Well, how long will it take you to turn around?
[ a Priest rises from behind the bar ]
Priest: Dearly beloved… we are gathered here today…
[ pan back to the Pianist singing ]
Pianist:
I got a flatscreen TV
A lot of models falling for me
I even got to sit down when I pee!
But I ain’t got nothing if I ain’t got love.”
[ Becky and Mike stroll past ]
Becky: This was… the BEST night of my life!
Mike: It doesn’t have to end yet. As a matter of fact, I think we can make it last forever.
[ they kiss, as the elevator dings ]
[ the doors open to reveal an empty shaft, and Becky steps right into it without looking and screams ]
Mike: REBECCAAAAAAA!!!!
[ she lands with a splat ]
[ the music picks up, so Mike shakes it off and ambles over to the piano ]
Pianist: Well, you told her you were bad news.
Mike: I did. But I never told her that I loved her. Also, someone should take a look at that elevator.
Pianist: “But I ain’t got nothing if I ain’t! Got! Looooooove!”
[ fade ]
