Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 9
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Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
…..Seth Meyers
Rebecca Larue…..Kristen Wiig
Captain Steve Rogers…..Alec Baldwin
Stefon…..Bill Hader
Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: Good evening! I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:
Rick Perry, on Thursday, announced that he would not be taking part in the Donald Trump-moderated GOP debate later this month. I don’t blame Perry — He’ll get all the Trump he can handle when he’s on next season’s “The Apprentice”. He’ll fit right in.
The Obama administration, on Wednesday, surprised women’s health advocates by rejecting a request to make the Plan B morning after pill available over the counter. Which means that a lot of people will just go with Plan C. [ image: “16 and Pregnant” card ]
People in Rhode Island, on Tuesday, protested the Governor’s decision to refer to the statehouse Christmas tree as a “holiday tree”. And they really don’t like his decision to refer to Jesus as “December Man”.
According to a new report, because of austerity measures, England’s Queen Elizabeth will face a pay freeze until 2015. And, sadly, the effects of the pay freeze are already showing. [ image: The Queen wearing a Burger King crown ]
Seth Meyers: The holidays are upon us, but they can be less than festive for single people. Here to tell us how you can meet a siginificant other by New Year’s — flirting expert Rebecca Larue.
[ Rebecca Larue slides in, tossing her hair back and forth playfully ]
Rebecca Larue: [ giggling ] Hi, Seth! Thank for having me!
Seth Meyers: Well, hi, Rebecca. Um, I bet a lot of people are — [ she shakes her hair back and forth ] uh — excited to hear what you have to say. [ she tosses her hair back and holds her mouth in an open gape ] I mean, I think everyone’s intimdated by — [ she touches his hand ] Wow! It looks like you’ve strted flirting already!
Rebecca Larue: [ teasing ] No, I’m not! I’m just listening to you. [ she giggles ] I’m just really hearing you. [ she cups her hand to her chin and leans closer to Seth ]
Seth Meyers: Okay, uh — [ she inches even closer ] Alright. I see what you’re doing — uh, flattering me by listening, to show that you’re interested. [ she holds her arms up high and bounces her head back and forth ] That is, uh — that’s a great tip.
Rebecca Larue: [ giggling ] I don’t know — maybe! [ she blows him a kiss ]
Seth Meyers: So, Rebecca — being single during the holidays… [ she blows another kiss ] must be especially difficult… [ she stretches her arms out and bounces her head back and forth ] especially when – okay! Rebecca, do you want to explain what you’re doing right now?
Rebecca Larue: Just like… body language stuff, you know, that people can do! [ she laughs, turns her head and covers her hair over her eyes shyly ] Like… flirt!
Seth Meyers: Okay, so — oh! Oh! You’re using, like, verbal cues to entice me?
Rebecca Larue: Seeeeth! Entice? I’m sure! [ she turns her head away, shakes it, then holds her arms up ]
Seth Meyers: Why — why do you keep putting your arms in the air? Is that, like, a flirting technique?
Rebecca Larue: [ she covers her eyes and giggles ] What are you looking at? [ she lays her head on the desk, the crawls under and sticks her butt in the air ]
Seth Meyers: Rebecca… Rebecca. I’m sure that everything you’re doing —
Rebecca Larue: [ she lifts her head ] I’m shy…
Seth Meyers: Works for you… but, like, what if someone’s more shy than you are? You know?
Rebecca Larue: [ she returns to her seat ] Well, if you’re too shy, you just do whatever you’re comfortable with. Just, like, little small things like: [ she throws her arms in the air again and bounces her head and pulls her hair, then extends her arms to touch Seth’s face ]
Seth Meyers: Rebecca! Rebecca… you are making me very uncomfortable.
Rebecca Larue: [ she slinks back ] No, I’m not!
Seth Meyers: You kinda are.
[ suddenly, without warning, she lifts her legs in the air and spreads them ]
Seth Meyers: Rebecca…
[ she clutches her legs with her hands and tries to spread them further apart ]
Seth Meyers: Rebecca, what are you doing?! What are you doing? Rebecca!
[ she scootches her chair forward until she has her legs wrapped around Seth ]
Rebecca Larue: [ innocently ] What?
Seth Meyers: What are you doing?
Rebecca Larue: [ sobbing ] I’m a slut!
Seth Meyers: Alright! Oh, good, I thought so! But, you know, Rebecca — I think deep down you’re still a good person.
Rebecca Larue: [ seductively ] Seth! Take your shirt off for one second…
Seth Meyers: NO!! Flirting expert Rebecca Larue, everybody!
[ she backs her chair away and waves her fingers at Seth as she disappears ]
A new fat-rich diet that has become extremely popular in Norway is being blamed for depleting the country’s stocks of butter. Thanks in no small part to Norway’s celebrity chef — Paula Deenflurgen.
An experiment for the Discovery show “MythBusters” went awry, Tuesday, when a cannonball missed its target and caused damage in a nearby neighborhood. Still, they did bust that old myth about the suburbs being safe from cannon fire.
Because of a new cost-cutting measure, schoolchildren in a town in Spain have been told to limit their use of toilet paper to 82 feet a month. That is outrageous! Or totally acceptable. I have no idea how much toilet paper that is.
A new website has launched called “Toygaroo”, which is a Netflix-style system that allows parents to rent toys for their children and send them back for new ones. It’s all part of an effort to make the movie “Contagion” come true.
Seth Meyers: On Wednesday of this week, actor Alec Baldwin was kicked off an American Airlines flight after he refused to turn off his phone and stop playing “Words with Friends.” Now here to comment, the pilot of that flight — Captain Steve Rogers. [ the Captain, obviously Alec Baldwin in disguise, rolls in ] Thanks so much for coming, Captain.
“Captain Steve Rogers”: Well, thanks for having me, Seth.
Seth Meyers: So… Captain Rogers, uh — what’s your take on the events of last Wednesday?
“Captain Steve Rogers”: Well, it was awful, Seth, which is why it was very important for me to come here tonight, and on behalf of everyone at American Airlines, issue an apology to Mr. Alec Baldwin.
Seth Meyers: [ whispering ] Alec, are you sure this is the right way to handle this?
“Captain Steve Rogers”: [ whispering ] Yeah, yeah — keep going, keep going.
Seth Meyers: So, let me get this straight: You, Captain Rogers, want to apologize to Alec Baldwin?
“Captain Steve Rogers”: Yes. Mr. Baldwin is an American treasure, and I am ashamed at the way he was treated. I mean, what harm would it do to let him keep playing his game — not any game, mind you — but a word game for smart people?
Seth Meyers: But, Captain Rogers, don’t phones interfere with the plane’s communication system?
“Captain Steve Rogers”: Oh, you don’t believe that, do you, Seth? Would you really get on an airplane that flew 30,000 feet in the air if you thought one Kindle switch could take it down? COME ON!! It’s just a cruel joke perpetrated by the airline industry. And we would have gotten away with it, but Alec Baldwin was just too smart for us. He really is something, Seth.
Seth Meyers: [ whispering ] Seriously, Alec, I just don’t think…
“Captain Steve Rogers”: [ sternly ] Keep going, Seth.
Seth Meyers: Okay. But didn’t Alec Baldwin getting kicked off the plane delay takeoff?
“Captain Steve Rogers”: It did. And it was the first time in the history of American Airlines that one of our flights was delayed. COME ON, SETH!! We’re bankrupt! How DARE we speak ill of the great Alec Baldwin, and we can’t even take off on time!
Seth Meyers: It was also reported that Alec Baldwin slammed the bathroom door so loudly that you could hear it in the cockpit.
“Captain Steve Rogers”: Now, Seth, “Words with Friends” can be frustrating in a game. I just started playing the game myself. But when you think you’re about to play “JAILERS” off of someone’s “QUICHE”, and then you realize you don’t have the “I”, let me tell you — that’ll make you slam the bathroom door, too. Besides, when I go to the bathroom on a plane, I always want that door slammed nice and tight! Doesn’t everyone? Gee willikers!
Seth Meyers: Okay, Alec, this is too much. I don’t want to be a part of this anymore.
“Captain Steve Rogers”: Seth, I’m not Alec! Do you hear me? But I wish I was! That man’s a hero! A SMART hero!
Seth Meyers: Captain Steve Rogers!
“Captain Steve Rogers”: Y’all drive safe now!
Seth Meyers: We’ll drive safe!New research suggests that humans have reached the limit of their mental evolution, and are not likely to ever develop a “supermind”. “Yayyy!” said everyone who works at the E! network.
According to a new list, the least happy city in America is St. Petersburg, Florida. But that’s only because Reno, Nevada finally killed itself.
A man in Alaska, whose truck became stranded in a snowdrift for three days, survived by eating frozen beer in his truck. The man said it worked so well he never even had to unwrap his sandwich.
Seth Meyers: It’s Christmastime in New York, which means millions of tourists will be coming to see what holiday magic the Big Apple has to offer. Here with some tips on where you and your children should go, is our city correspondent — Stefon!
Stefon: Hi.
Seth Meyers: Hi. Hi, Stefon. Uh — it’s an exciting time, isn’t it?
Stefon: I know, right? So many Republican candidates… who to pick?
Seth Meyers: Okay. So, Stefon, a lot of families are making their way to Manhattan to have some holiday fun. Are there any places you can recommend?
Stefon: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. If you’re looking to get festive with your family, I’ve got the perfect place for you to take them. New York’s hottest club is Heyyyyyy! Built from the bucket list of a dying pervert, this Battery Park bitch parade is now managed by overweight game show host Fat Sajak. This place gas EVERYTHING: Tweekers, Skivvies, Spud Webb, a child… and a Russian guy who runs on a treadmill in a Cosby sweater. So come on down this weekend. The bouncer’s a bulldog who looks like Wilford Brimley, and the password is: [ in a Brimley voice ] “Die-uh-beat-us!” [ he covers his face ]
Seth Meyers: Stefon, that sounds like a very cool place, and I’m sure that —
Stefon: Right!
Seth Meyers: Yeah. And I’m sure people exist who would enjoy hanging out at a place like that —
Stefon: I knowwww!
Seth Meyers: But, since New York has no many holiday —
Stefon: Holiday.
Seth Meyers: Holiday sights to see. Maybe you can think of something more traditional for ordinary salt-of-the-earth people to check out.
Stefon: Yes! Loud and clear. If you’re ordinary and love salt… I’ve got just the spot for you: New York’s hottest holiday club is: [ he baas like a sheep and covers his face ]
Seth Meyers: Could you, uh — could you use that in a sentence for me?
Stefon: Um — in a sentence?
Seth Meyers: Yeah.
Stefon: Um — “Let’s go to [ he baas ] because the line is too long at Spicy!” [ he covers his face ]
Seth Meyers: That was a sentence. Thank you.
Stefon: Opening condemned in 1904,this seasoned psycho ward is the creation of Hanukkah cartoon character Menorah the Explorer. [ he grins and covers his face ] And this place has everything: Kiwis… Spud Webb… [ he cracks up and covers his face ]
Seth Meyers: Spud Webb’s doing double duty?
Stefon: Yeah! [ continuing ] The Cleo Awards… someone’s mom… plus a special showing of the African holiday classic: “A Fish Called Kwaanza”. [ he covers his face ] Look who just walked in — it’s a lady who works at CVS, but do not bother her becaus she is on break. [ he covers his face ]
Seth Meyers: I don’t know if this place captures the holiday spirit.
Stefon: And all the proceeds go to charity.
Seth Meyers: Oh? Which charity?
Stefon: Flaccid outreach group — Doctors Without Boners! [ he laughs and covers his face ]
Seth Meyers: Stefon… I would never disparage a charity, and I’m sure Doctors Without Boners does amazing work —
Stefon: Not really! [ he laughs ]
Seth Meyers: Okay! But this is not what I was looking for.
Stefon: I’m trying my best.
Seth Meyers: You’re right. I shouldn’t get mad at you. [ soft Christmas music plays ] I just get emotional around the holidays, you know, Stefon? My family is all back in New Hampshire, and I don’t… get to spend the holidays with them any more. I guess I just… miss them this time of year.
Stefon: Sorry. I never knew you had a family. I just thought you were built by gay scientists! You know what? This year, i’m gonna get you a Christmas present.
Seth Meyers: [ excited ] Oh! Stefon! Well, what are you gonna get me?
Stefon: A human boombox!
Seth Meyers: what’s a human boombox?
Stefon: It’s that thing of when you carry a midget over your shoulder… while he sings gangsta rap.
Seth Meyers: That’s just what I’ve always wanted!
Stefon: Happy Holidays, Seth Meyers!
Seth Meyers: Stefon, everybody! For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers! Good night!
[ they hug to fade ]
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