Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 10
Ode to Joy
Ludwig van Beethoven…..Jimmy Fallon
Gregor Lindt…..Taran Killam
Herman Frump…..Jason Sudeikis
Gayhard Munch…..Bill Hader
Rolf “The Hitman” Hitler…..Paul Brittain
Franz Liebsch…..Andy Samberg
Casper Niles…..Fred Armisen
Voldemort Robin…..Bobby Moynihan
Victor Heinz…..Horatio Sanz
Octo Olrich…..Chris Kattan
Triangle Sally…..Kristen Wiig
Choirboys…..Vanessa Bayer, Abby Elliott, Nasim Pedrad
B.B. King…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on postcard photo, SUPER: “Vienna, May 7th 1824” ]
[ dissolve to stage interior, Ludwig van Beetoven finishing a piece with a full orchestra ]
Ludwig van Beethoven: [ turning to face his applauding audience ] Danke! Danke! On behalf of myself — Ludwig van Beethoven — I thank you for attending the premiere of my Night’s Symphony. This momentous piece of music would not be possible without the exceptional musicians behind me, and so I’d like to introduce the band. Let’s do this!
[ the orchestra breaks into a jazzy version of “Tighten Up”, as Beetoven grabs a microphone ]
Ludwig van Beethoven: Let’s meet the fellows! Let’s start over here! He’s first on the bassoon, and last to pick up the check! Let’s hear it for my friend Gregor Lindt!
[ Gregor Lindt stands and plays a medley on his bassoon ]
Ludwig van Beethoven: Movin’ on, an INCH to the left! Right under the candles! Oh vo, he didn’t — oh vo, he did! First on oboe — a whirlwind of woodwind! This guy blows — in a good way! Herman Frump, everybody!
[ Herman Frump stands and plays a medley on his oboe, then smiles ]
Ludwig van Beethoven: God, I am GOOD at classical music! Let’s keep moving! We got a lot of guys to get through! This next guy plays flute — both regular and skin — Who said that? — Not me! [ he laughs ] He’s our principle flautist — and yes, he “flauts” it! Give it up for — and this is his REAL name — Gayhard Munch! What?!
[ Gayhard Munch stands and plays a medley on his flute ]
Ludwig van Beethoven: On first clarinet — Hitler’s his name… and music’s his game. He was born in Austria, but dreams of moving to Germany. He’s alays angry about something. Let’s hope he never has kids! Rolf “The Hitman” Hitler right there!
[ Rolf “The Hitman” Hitler stands and plays a medley on his clarinet and waves at the crowd ]
Ludwig van Beethoven: Moving on over to strings, where it PAYS to be high-strung! On first viola, the unvi-o-lent — this guy showed up today with a slight fever, which means… he’s probably gonna die! Let’s all say goodbye to Franz Liebsch!
[ Franz Liebsch remains to play a strained medley on his viola ]
Franz Liebsch: I’m so cold…
Ludwig van Beethoven: Get well soon, buddy. [ he puts his hand over his microphone ] He won’t! Hey! “Ode to Joy”. Next up — either this guy’s playing the cello, or a dwarf got a hold of a violin! Funny story — his mother was killed by an ox. He’s from Gras… and he loves to smoke it! [ he mimes puffing a joint ] Say hello to my little friend — Casper Niles, everybody!
[ Casper Niles struggles to play a medley on his oversized violin ]
Ludwig van Beethoven: You alright, buddy? Alright, there’s fifteen more string players to get through. Luckily, they’re all named “Olaf”. Give it up for OLAF right there, everybody!
[ the Olafs play a medley on their string instruments ]
Ludwig van Beethoven: Sounds beautiful! Hey, on a side note — for those of you who like the quieter stuff — my “Moonlight Sonata” is dropping next week. I wanted to call it “Panty Raid”, but the suits said “Nein!” Which is a shame, because I think that title is a “ten”! [ a rim shot is heard ] I signed that joke up for Kindergarten, because it’s five years old. Moving on over to the brass section! I call these guys “The Brass Holes”! First up, on the French horn — this guy went to Berlin on our off-day, and he was nice enough to bring back syphillis! His key is B-flat, and his wife be ugly! Wearing the CHEAPEST wig I’ve ever seen — Voldemort Robin!
[ Voldemort Robin plays a medley on his French horn, with his lips barely touching the stem, then shrugs playfully ]
Ludwig van Beethoven: One of my favorite jokes is that a French horn is like a woman — it’s beautiful, it’s curvaceous, and it’s filled with tubes I don’t understand! [ he laughs ] Let’s move over to the tuba — music’s answer to the fart. This guy and I do not get along. He put the “dick” in “tuba”. [ Victor Heinz frowns ] I’d like to hit this guy on the head… with a tuba-four! Tuba-four! [ he laughs ] I’m gonna assume you’re all laughing. I don’t need to tell you folks I can’t hear a gosh-darn thing — I’m deaf! Famously! Famously deaf! Give it up for Victor Heinz, everybody!
[ Victor Heinz plays a medley on his tuba ]
Ludwig van Beethoven: That’s Mozart, you son of a bitch!
[ Victor Heinz points a finger and laughs at Beetoven ]
Ludwig van Beethoven: What a dick! Just behind him — he used to be a harpist, then he got kicked in the head by a horse, and now he plays the jug. Make some noise for Octo Olrich!
[ bandaged Octo Olrich blows into a jug and looks up in great confusion ]
Ludwig van Beethoven: Sad. I still don’t know what he was doing behind that horse. Moving on. We’re sorry she doesn’t get to do her thing tonight, but it’s a man’s world. So give it up for Triangle Sally!
[ dressed in a jumpsuit, Triangle Sally shimmies then raises her leg and hits her triangle one time ]
Ludwig van Beethoven: Moving on over to the choir — let’s meet the fellows behind those angelic voices. [ reveal three choirboys ] These guys have a thousand harmonies and zero testicles among them. Give it up for Castrataaaa!!
[ the choirboys harmonize a medley ]
Ludwig van Beethoven: And, finally — last but not least — his axe could cut down every tree in the Black Forest! He’s icing on my streudal! The power of my wing! He’s the Master of Disaster! The Minister of Blues! You’ll WISH you could be like him, but you CAN’T! On lead guitar — Bertram Bertram King! But you know him as B.B. King!
B.B. King: [ he plucks out a blues tune on his guitar ] “The thrill is gone!”
Ludwig van Beethoven: We are Beetoven’s Orchestra, and this has been our “Ode to Joy”! Good night, Vienna!
[ fade ]