SNL Transcripts: Jimmy Fallon: 12/17/11: Boston Teens


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 10

11j: Jimmy Fallon / Michael Bublé

Boston Teens

Pat Sullivan…..Jimmy Fallon
Denise…..Rachel Dratch
Teacher…..Bboby Moynihan
Patrice Donovan…..Amy Poehler
Male Student…..Taran Killam
Female Student…..Abby Elliott

[ open on VHS static that clears to reveal girls’ legs standing in line ]

Sully V/O: Hey, Tommy! Tommy! you’re on? Over here! Over here, you creep-ah!

[ camera pans up to reveal Pat “Sully” Sullivan standing in front of a line of students ]

Sully: Hey! How ya’ doin’? This is Pat Sullivan, coming at you on VHS from the Shawshene Vo-Tech Winter Formal. As always, I am joined by my life partner — Denise.

Denise: [ poking in ] Call me Za-zoo! Wicked psyched for holiday cheer! And, for me, NOTHING says CHristmas like two fake school IDs and a Franzia bladder — sans box! [ she holds up these objects ]

Sully: Although we are no longer enrolled, we are hoping to talk our way into the festivities to recapture the magic of our second date.

Denise: Yeah! We woulda recreated our first date, but that patch of woods is now a PetSmart! And if I wanted a bunch of ferrets to watch us do it, I woulda stayed home. Oh, God, Sully… it feels wee-id being back at our old stomping grounds! Do you seriously think we could still pass as high school students?

Sully: Denise, you are forever 14 to me!

Denise: [ touched ] Awww…

Sully: I am, of course, referring to your jean size!

Denise: Ugh! You’re a moron!

Sully: You ahh!

[ they start making out ferociously ]

Teacher: Next! Next! [ Sully and Denise run forward ] Hey! Hey, let me see your school IDs!

Sully: Sure. [ he tosses the IDs down ]

Teacher: So… you are ninth-grader Avi Punjabi?

Sully: We grow big in… Bangalore.

Teacher: [ to Denise ] And you are supposed to be Assistant Principal Evelyn Chang?

Denise: Yeah! Ours is a forbidden love, in the style of Mary Kay LeTourneau and that little Samoan boy they named the Girl Scout cookies after.

Sully: Billy ??, you are my hero!

Denise: You ahh!

[ they start making out ferociously ]

Teacher: Wait a minute, waut a minute… I remember you two dopes! Weren’t you in my home Economics class in 2004?

Denise: Busted! That hamburger pillow now graces our marital bed!

Teacher: [ he chuckles condescendingly ] Alright — now GET OUT OF HERE, before I unbuckle my peppah spray!

Denise: [ eyeballing his pepper spray canister ] Whoa! Whoa! No conflict! No conflict!

[ they back away form the line ]

Sully: My girl’s already been pepper-sprayed TWICE this holiday season! Once, at K-Mart on Black Friday… and once, when she flashed her boobs at Occupy Boston!

Denise: We ahh the 99 per cent! [ she flashes her jacket ] WHOO!!

Sully: Alright, alright, alright! [ he approaches some students ] Hey there, pallies! Who here wants to be a hero and open the side door for soem alumni?

Female Student: Oh, my God… how old ahh you two?

Sully: We may never know for sure. My mother lost my birth certificate in a sex-fire.

Denise: Word to the wise: Do NOT make love next to a space heater if your lingerie is mostly rayon.

Sully: Rayon! Nawt flame-re-tawd-ent!

Denise: You ahh!

Sully: You ahh!

[ they start making out ferociously again ] [ Patrice Donovan enters ]

Patrice Donovan: Oh, my God! Sully! Denise! My God, it’s you!

Sully: Patrice Donovan!

Denise: Oh, my God…

Sully: I haven’t seen you since you left 8th Grade with mononucleosis.

Patrice Donovan: Yeah, well… that “mononucleosis” just turned fifteen, and her name’s Linda.

Denise: Linda! Gaw-geous name! Gaw-geous. Hat’s off to ya’. Linda.

Sully: You here to party?

Denise: Oh, God, I wish. I gotta pick up Linda, ’cause apparently she just bawffed> all over the dance floor.

Denise: Hmm… alcohol poisoning, pregnancy, or bulimia?

Patrice Donovan: [ thinking ] I’m guessing two out of the three. What have you two been up to for the last fourteen years?

Sully: Just building a paradise, brick by brick. [ he wraps his arm around Denise ] Five beautiful children: Weezer, Chubbsie, Squeezebox, Hags, and Baby Richard.

Denise: I wouldn’t quit until I got a boy.

Sully: She’s the Mom of the Year, this one! She never loses her temper, really maintained her looks, works tirelessly to keep the babies in fully-licensed… [ he reveal his jersey ] Nomar jerseys! NOMARR!!

Denise & Patrice: NOMARR!!!

Sully: Don’t forget!

Denise: You ahh!

Sully: You ahh!!

[ they begin to make out ferociously once more, Sully even stealing a squeeze of ??’s breast ]

Patrice Donovan: Alright! Alright! [ she removes Sully’s hand from her breast ] Okay, good for you, both of you! Take care, God bless. Alright.

[ she walks away ]

Male Student: Hey! You gonna stand out here all night, Gramps? Be careful you don’t catch hypothermia!

Sully: You wanna go, Pee Wee? I fight Southsie style — that means no black guys and weiner pulling’s fair game!

Denise: Sully! Sully, calm down! Calm down! Look into these crystal blue persuadahs! [ she points to her eyes ] Calm down.

Sully: You’re right. We didn’t coem here to be treated like a couple of lowlifes! We can do that ANYWHERE! Merry Christmas, suckers! You don’t have Pat Sullivan to kick around any more!

Male Student: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up! You’re the great Pat Sullivan? [ suddenly impressed ] I heard you once set fire to Mr. Church’s hair with a Bunson burner!

Sully: [ he shrugs ] Hearsay.

Female Student: I heard you hocked a loogie on Mr. Banes from the fourth floor window!

Sully: Pure conjuncture.

Male Student: I heard you got kicked off the class ski trip for flashing the chaperone!

Sully: Not entirely true. Mrs. Gillepsie just happened to enter the room at the exact moment I was hanging brain.

Male Student: Man! You’re a legend!

Denise: You ahhh!

Male Student: Oh, my gosh, Mr. Sullivan… will you pahty with us? It would be honor to let you in the back door!

Sully: Tommy! PLEASE tell me you got that on tape! ‘Cause “LIVE from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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