Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 10
Pat Sullivan…..Jimmy Fallon
Patrice Donovan…..Amy Poehler
Male Student…..Taran Killam
Female Student…..Abby Elliott
[ open on VHS static that clears to reveal girls’ legs standing in line ]
Sully V/O: Hey, Tommy! Tommy! you’re on? Over here! Over here, you creep-ah![ camera pans up to reveal Pat “Sully” Sullivan standing in front of a line of students ]
Sully: Hey! How ya’ doin’? This is Pat Sullivan, coming at you on VHS from the Shawshene Vo-Tech Winter Formal. As always, I am joined by my life partner — Denise.
Denise: [ poking in ] Call me Za-zoo! Wicked psyched for holiday cheer! And, for me, NOTHING says CHristmas like two fake school IDs and a Franzia bladder — sans box! [ she holds up these objects ]
Sully: Although we are no longer enrolled, we are hoping to talk our way into the festivities to recapture the magic of our second date.
Denise: Yeah! We woulda recreated our first date, but that patch of woods is now a PetSmart! And if I wanted a bunch of ferrets to watch us do it, I woulda stayed home. Oh, God, Sully… it feels wee-id being back at our old stomping grounds! Do you seriously think we could still pass as high school students?
Sully: Denise, you are forever 14 to me!
Denise: [ touched ] Awww…
Sully: I am, of course, referring to your jean size!
Denise: Ugh! You’re a moron!
Sully: You ahh!
Teacher: Next! Next! [ Sully and Denise run forward ] Hey! Hey, let me see your school IDs!
Sully: Sure. [ he tosses the IDs down ]
Teacher: So… you are ninth-grader Avi Punjabi?
Sully: We grow big in… Bangalore.
Teacher: [ to Denise ] And you are supposed to be Assistant Principal Evelyn Chang?
Denise: Yeah! Ours is a forbidden love, in the style of Mary Kay LeTourneau and that little Samoan boy they named the Girl Scout cookies after.
Sully: Billy ??, you are my hero!
Denise: You ahh![ they start making out ferociously ]
Teacher: Wait a minute, waut a minute… I remember you two dopes! Weren’t you in my home Economics class in 2004?
Denise: Busted! That hamburger pillow now graces our marital bed!
Teacher: [ he chuckles condescendingly ] Alright — now GET OUT OF HERE, before I unbuckle my peppah spray!
Denise: [ eyeballing his pepper spray canister ] Whoa! Whoa! No conflict! No conflict!
Sully: My girl’s already been pepper-sprayed TWICE this holiday season! Once, at K-Mart on Black Friday… and once, when she flashed her boobs at Occupy Boston!
Denise: We ahh the 99 per cent! [ she flashes her jacket ] WHOO!!
Sully: Alright, alright, alright! [ he approaches some students ] Hey there, pallies! Who here wants to be a hero and open the side door for soem alumni?
Female Student: Oh, my God… how old ahh you two?
Sully: We may never know for sure. My mother lost my birth certificate in a sex-fire.
Denise: Word to the wise: Do NOT make love next to a space heater if your lingerie is mostly rayon.
Sully: Rayon! Nawt flame-re-tawd-ent!
Denise: You ahh!
Sully: You ahh![ they start making out ferociously again ] [ Patrice Donovan enters ]
Patrice Donovan: Oh, my God! Sully! Denise! My God, it’s you!
Sully: Patrice Donovan!
Denise: Oh, my God…
Sully: I haven’t seen you since you left 8th Grade with mononucleosis.
Patrice Donovan: Yeah, well… that “mononucleosis” just turned fifteen, and her name’s Linda.
Denise: Linda! Gaw-geous name! Gaw-geous. Hat’s off to ya’. Linda.
Sully: You here to party?
Denise: Oh, God, I wish. I gotta pick up Linda, ’cause apparently she just bawffed> all over the dance floor.
Denise: Hmm… alcohol poisoning, pregnancy, or bulimia?
Patrice Donovan: [ thinking ] I’m guessing two out of the three. What have you two been up to for the last fourteen years?
Sully: Just building a paradise, brick by brick. [ he wraps his arm around Denise ] Five beautiful children: Weezer, Chubbsie, Squeezebox, Hags, and Baby Richard.
Denise: I wouldn’t quit until I got a boy.
Sully: She’s the Mom of the Year, this one! She never loses her temper, really maintained her looks, works tirelessly to keep the babies in fully-licensed… [ he reveal his jersey ] Nomar jerseys! NOMARR!!
Denise & Patrice: NOMARR!!!
Sully: Don’t forget!
Denise: You ahh!
Sully: You ahh!![ they begin to make out ferociously once more, Sully even stealing a squeeze of ??’s breast ]
Patrice Donovan: Alright! Alright! [ she removes Sully’s hand from her breast ] Okay, good for you, both of you! Take care, God bless. Alright.[ she walks away ]
Male Student: Hey! You gonna stand out here all night, Gramps? Be careful you don’t catch hypothermia!
Sully: You wanna go, Pee Wee? I fight Southsie style — that means no black guys and weiner pulling’s fair game!
Denise: Sully! Sully, calm down! Calm down! Look into these crystal blue persuadahs! [ she points to her eyes ] Calm down.
Sully: You’re right. We didn’t coem here to be treated like a couple of lowlifes! We can do that ANYWHERE! Merry Christmas, suckers! You don’t have Pat Sullivan to kick around any more!
Male Student: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up! You’re the great Pat Sullivan? [ suddenly impressed ] I heard you once set fire to Mr. Church’s hair with a Bunson burner!
Sully: [ he shrugs ] Hearsay.
Female Student: I heard you hocked a loogie on Mr. Banes from the fourth floor window!
Sully: Pure conjuncture.
Male Student: I heard you got kicked off the class ski trip for flashing the chaperone!
Sully: Not entirely true. Mrs. Gillepsie just happened to enter the room at the exact moment I was hanging brain.
Male Student: Man! You’re a legend!
Denise: You ahhh!
Male Student: Oh, my gosh, Mr. Sullivan… will you pahty with us? It would be honor to let you in the back door!
Sully: Tommy! PLEASE tell me you got that on tape! ‘Cause “LIVE from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”