Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 10
Tim Tebow…..Taran Killam
Chris Clark…..Kenan Thompson
Matt Prater…..Andy Samberg
Brian Dawkins…..Jay Pharoah
Sportcaster V/O: Another miracle win for the Denver Broncos, who beat the Chicago Bears by 3 in Overtime. The Broncos have now won 6 in a row behind quarterback Tim Tebow![ dissolve to the Broncos applauding Tim Tebow (who is on his knees in prayer) in their locker room ]
Tim Tebow: [ jumping to his feet ] Alright, alright — hey, guys! I want to thank you all for believing in me! I know it started off a little shaky out there, but we pulled it off beause WE STUCK TOGETHER!! [ the team applauds ] And, also, I’ve gotta thank the most important person in my life — my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! Because I could NOT do this WITHOUT him! Thank you, Jesus![ Tebow drops to his knees again, as smoke rises in the hallway, heavenly music pots up, and Jesus enters the locker room ]
Jesus: Hey, everybody!
Tim Tebow: Jesus! He has risen!!
Jesus: No, no, no, no, no… not really, just a quick visit. So, uh — hey, everybody, take a seat! Go ahead, take a seat. Chill out. [ the team sit upon their benches ] Uh, first of all — You’re welcome! Alright? Yes, I, Jesus Christ am indeed the reason you won your past six football games, okay?
Tim Tebow: [ rushing forward with glee ] I knew it!
Jesus: [ backing up ] Whoa, Tim! Easy! Easy! Hey, buddy — leave a little room for the Holy Ghost, okay?
Tim Tebow: [ excited ] Alright!
Jesus: [ to the team ] Here’s the thing, okay? If we’re gonna keep doing this… you guys gotta meet me halfway out there. I mean, let’s face it — it’s not a good week if every week, I, the Son of God, have to come in, drop everything and bail out the Denver Broncos in the Fourth Quarter, okay? I’m a busy guy!
Tim Tebow: So, wait, wait — you’re only helping in the Fourth Quarter?
Jesus: Ah — yeah. Yeah! Have you watched the game films, Tim, of the first half? I mean, come on! 3 for 16? You know, I could throw better, and I’m 2010 years old, huh? [ he laughs and playfully punches Tebow in the gut ]
Tim Tebow: But I pray to you before every game!
Jesus: Yeah, I know, I know. Yeah, and I appreciate that, but, uh, here’s something else you should do before the game, okay? Stretch! You know? Get the arm warm! Read the playbook, alright? Do you read that?
Tim Tebow: [ in all seriousness ] The Holy Bible is my playbook.
Jesus: [ he rolls his eyes ] Oh… great. That’s great… that’s great. But, uh, you need to read the regular playbook, okay? Seriously. I’m doing all the work here.
Chris Clark: Oh, come on. Don’t be so hard on Tim. He’s helping us win!
Jesus: Oh, that’s cute! That’s cute! No, I know — Tim’s doing his best, Dad bless ’em. Uh — but you know who you should be thanking? Your kicker. Okay? I mean, you don’t win unless this guy hits a 59-yarder. I’m serious, man. Matt Prater? I pray to you, Brother!
Matt Prater: [ in awe ] Wow. You pray to me? I didn’t know that!
Jesus: Well, yeah. You know, uh — that’s because, uh, I’m not in everyone’s face about it. [ he gives a knowing nod to Tebow, as Tebow hangs his head in shame, then bumps heads with him ]
Chris Clark: [ confused ] So, Jesus just spends his time helping people win football games?
Jesus: Well, you know… here’s the thing: [ he crosses his legs, revealing Jersey socks ] I, uh, I just go where people call me the most. You know? Nowadays, that’s a lot of football games… uh, also the Country Music Awards. You know, I decided all of those. Uh — I’m right there at any Black event where food is served.
Chris Clark: Hey, man! [ he playfully punches Jesus in the gut ]
Jesus: [ laughing ] I’m sorry! [ he touches his head ] I’m forgiven! Alright, uh — look. You see, the point is: You guys gotta help yourselves a little. I mean, can you do that for me?[ the team agrees ]
Jesus: Okay. Alright, now, listen — I can’t be around next week, I got a big birthday coming up, and, uh, I’m kind of tough to shop for. I mean, what do you get for the man who sacrificed everything, right? [ he laughs ] [ Tebow laughs harder than the rest of the team, right into Jesus’ face ]
Jesus: [holding his arm up ] Easy. Don’t — I don’t need that. It’s a medium joke, at best. I don’t need that, alright? Come on. [ continuing ] So here’s my advice, alright? Just focus up, alright? And you’ll be fine. Alright? Who do you play next?
Tim Tebow: The Patriots.
Jesus: [ alarmed ] Oh, boy… really? Wow! Okay. Did not know that. That’s gonna be a tough one. I mean, hey! It just doesn’t leave this room, but, uh — If I’m the Son of God, then Tom Brady’s gotta be the guy’s nephew. Alright? That guys a miracle worker, okay? Oh! But that, uh, Coach Belichick? Well, lets just say, uh: [ he makes devil horns over his head and shrieks ] So they’re coming at you both ways there, alright? So, uh — anyhoo! [ he stands to leave ] I’m off to a beauty pageant. Okay? Best of luck next week. I’ll try to watch. Uh, Tim? Tim?[ Jesus motions Tebow forward, and he rushes to get at Jesus’ side ]
Jesus: I love you. Okay?
Tim Tebow: [ trembling ] I love you, too!
Jesus: Okay. Alright. Uh — but just take it down a notch, alright? Will you, buddy?
Tim Tebow: Yes! Whatever you command!
Jesus: Okay, but not a command. Just a request, alright? Uh — great! Well, I gotta catch this cloud, okay? I’ll see you all — [ he suddenly remembers something ] Oh, oh, oh, by the way: Uh — Mormonism? All true. Every single word. Yeah. All right, peace. See you, guys![ Jesus exits into the smoke ]
Chris Clark: Alright! Let’s hit the showers![ the team rushes into the showers ] [ fade ]