Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Nicolas Cage….. Andy Samberg
Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: Good evening! I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:
Donald Trump, on Tuesday, announced that he is dropping out as moderator for the December 27th Republican Presidential debate. Trump decided to cancel when he learned that the candidates would also be allowed to talk.
Insiders are speculating that Trump dropped out of the debate because he has found a younger, sexier debate.
During Thursdays Republican debate, Governor Rick Perry said that he was confident of his chances saying: Im the Tim Tebow of the Iowa caucuses. But I still dont think the face paint was necessary.
Mitt Romney, who is falling in the polls, on Wednesday began attacking front-runner Newt Gingrich by calling him “zany.” “Oh snap!” said the voice in Mitt Romney’s head.
According to a new census report, nearly 1 out of every 2 Americans has fallen below the poverty line. Which is the invisible line that separates Target from Walmart. That’s what it is. You didn’t know that, but that’s what it is.
Researchers in Japan are planning to use wild monkeys equipped with radiation monitoring devices to study the levels at the Fukushima Nuclear power plant. Well, I think we all know how this ends. [ image: giant radioactive monkey crushing the city ] We watch your movies, Japan!
Seth Meyers: And now it’s time for “Get In The Cage!”, a recurring segment where actor Nicolas Cage sits down with fellow thespians to discuss the craft of their recent work. Please welcome Nicolas Cage and Jude Law!
Jude Law: Thank you. Thank you. It’s really great to be here, Nic.
Nicolas Cage: Well, that’s very kind of you, Rabbi. Let’s begin! Now, you’re currently in the film “Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows”. Which I am told involve explosions, screaming, and an evil genius hell-bent on destroying the world.
Jude Law: That’s right, I am.
Nicolas Cage: So my FIRST question is: HOW AM I NOT IN THAT MOVIE?!! It has all the classic elements I look for in a movie! 1. It exists. 2. Much like Sherlock Holmes, I am a high-society playboy who moonlights as a cyborg assassin.
Jude Law: I’m sorry, sorry. Have you ever read the Sherlock Holmes books?
Nicolas Cage: No! I never read ANYTHING!! Including the scripts of the movies I’m in! That’s why all my characters always look SO SURPRISED!! I’m finding out plot twists at the EXACT same time as the AUDIENCE!! I STILL can’t believe they took my FACE OFF in “FACE-OFF”!!
Jude Law: Why don’t you just read the scripts?
Nicolas Cage: There’s no TIME!! I’m too busy making a new movie every three days!
Jude Law: That’s impossible.
Nicolas Cage: No, it’s NOT!! In fact… I’m making one right now![ Director enters ]
Director: Aaaaand CUT! Okay, that’s a wrap on Nic Cage!
Nicolas Cage: Thanks, guys! It was an honor! That movie opens tomorrow in Japan!
Jude Law: Then, you see? what are you worried about? You’re — you’re in a million movies this year. You’re like a psychotic Ryan Gosling.
Nicolas Cage: [ pleased ] That’s high praise. You’re a sweet kid, Judy Blume! But you lack the key qualities of a true movie star. Namely: A shock of brown hair that zigs and zags across my ever-changing browline. Like polarized metal filings, at the cruel mercy of their mother magnet. All perched upon the face of a weathered possum king. [ he smiles ] And ,i>that, my friend, is the TRUE meaning of Christmas!
Jude Law: I’m sorry, really, but how is that the meaning of Christmas?
Nicolas Cage: DON’T SASS ME, HAT!! I have a massive overpriced sword collection, and my blades will cut through you faster than a Whoopi Goldberg fart!
Jude Law: Okay, um — I think I’m ready to get out of the Cage now.
Nicolas Cage: There’s only one way out of the Cage — a fight to the death! Two men enter! Two men and a baby leave!
Jude Law: What?
Nicolas Cage: I don’t have time to argue with you!! And so, I must ride on to my next adventure!
Jude Law: What is that?
Nicolas Cage: [ as the camera zooms on his face ] I’m gonna impregnate the Statue of Liberty!
Seth Meyers: Jude Law and Nic Cage, everybody!
It was reported this week that Sarah Palin has been trying to pitch a new reality series about her husband Todd and his snow mobile racing, but no networks have any interest. Which is a huge burn on Palin, because there’s a whole show thats literally just about shopping with coupons.
One of the hottest books in China is called “Wolf Dad”, which highlights a man’s method of beating his children so that they would get into a good college. You know, like wolves do.
It has been rumored that after Yankees short stop Derek Jeter has a one-night stand with a woman, he sends her home with an autographed baseball. That story again: If you want to see how much sex Derek Jeter is having, you can just go on eBay.
A new study suggests that senior citizens who walk at least 3 miles-per-hour live longer than those who walk more slowly. Because the cheetahs will usually just take down the first one they catch.
A man in Florida was arrested for allegedly having sex with his roommate’s Chihuahua. As he was being taken into custody, the man could be heard yelling: “Tell everyone it was a normal-sized dog!”
According to a new report, the average age when people marry has risen, with most women getting married at 26, and most men getting married at 29, 37 and 54.
Seth Meyers: A strip club in Chicago is offering a free lap dance to patrons that bring in a toy for needy kids. So give a toy to charity, and Charity will give it to the manager.[ Jimmy Fallon wheels forward ]
Jimmy Fallon: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! A strip club giving free lap dances if you bring a toy… and that’s the best you’ve got?
Seth Meyers: You think you can do better?
Jimmy Fallon: Oh, I know I can!
Seth Meyers: Oh, well… you know what this means, don’t you? It’s time for a good old-fashioned…
Together: WEEKEND UPDATE JOKE-OFF!![ Amy Poehler wheels up to Seth ]
Amy Poehler: Oh… did somebody say we were having a Joke-Off?[ Tina Fey appears next to Jimmy ]
Seth Meyers: I don’t know if you know the rules. One more time, for everybody: A strip club in Chicago is offering a free lap dance to patrons who bring in a toy for needy children. GO!!
Jimmy Fallon: Beep-boop-boop! The strippers aren’t getting paid for this, they’re doing it pro-boner!
Amy Poehler: Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep! The most popular toy so far is Tickle Me Brenda.
Tina Fey: Bleep-blorp! This strip club is the only place you can pick up a Barbie and a Barbie… and crabs.
Seth Meyers: Beep-beep-boop-boop-boop! So remember, kids — that isn’t Christmas magic, that is stripper glitter.
Jimmy Fallon: Beep-boop-boop-boop-boop! Unlike the strippers, the toys must not be damaged.
Tina Fey: Bing-bong! More than just your heart will grow three sizes that day!
Amy Poehler: Ring-ding-ding-ding-ding! Speaking of heearts, it’s nice to see people doing something out of the goodness of their heart-ons.
Jimmy Fallon: Brrrrrrng-boo-boo-boo! This gives a whole new meaning to the term “toy chest”.
Seth Meyers: Beep-beep-dee-dee-beep! Yes, that’s a Bananagrams in my pocket, and I’m happy to see you.
Tina Fey: Bleep-blorp! Looks like the hottest toy this holiday season is the crumpled 20!
Amy Poehler: A-woo-ga! Deck the halls with balls of bally! no, that’s not good, it doesn’t make any sense…
Jimmy Fallon: A-womp-womp-womp-womp-womp! I’ve got it! The charity is called Toys for Tatas![ ding-ding-ding-ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Jimmy and Tina win the crown in the “Weekend Update Joke-Off”! For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers…
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler!
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon!
Seth Meyers: Good night, and happy holidays!